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Yes, as ridiculous and impossible this might sound, I am totally serious. You see, I was flipping through the Guinness World Records 2004 just to admire the numerous egregious feats achieved by the many great, incredible and remarkable human beings on earth. Most of them are undeniably impressive indeed, but guess what I found under the "marathon feats" section?
Quote: "Myles Anderson (UK) pushed an orange with his nose for 1.6 km (1 mile) in 1 hr 14 min from London Bridge to Bishopsgate, London, UK on 22 March 2002."
What the hell is that? Some asshole pushed an orange with his nose. Since when fruitful endeavours like pushing an orange with the nose are so astounding that they deserve a place in prestigious record books? Also, what actually constitutes a world record? Do I get the same privilege of being in the Guinness World Records if I did likewise, but using an apple instead? What if I used my penis instead to push the orange? Or my penis with an apple!?
This is another loophole I found. Why must all the records be so specific? If suddenly someone decides to try it out with an apple or another anatomy (as I suggested above), will he be a record holder as well, assuming he completed his attempt? Guinness better recognise his attempt, otherwise it would essentially be discrimination against a genuine record holder. Hell, even if he did it in 5 hours, he would technically still hold a world record, because he did it with an apple -- not an orange -- but an apple. It is just impossible for Guinness to endorse all attempts because everybody will be coming up with their all-so-creative feats. Hell, even I can do the same. Picture this: "Most packets of BBQ-flavoured Mamee Monster noodle snack consumed in one hour by a male while wearing a red shirt, a Polo brief and listening to Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Anyone who ate more packets than me in one hour but did not wear a Polo brief would automatically be disqualified, or in this case, setting up YET another new record. Nonsense.
The only reason Myles Anderson was able to do the "fastest orange nose push" is because nobody else in the world is stupid enough to even attempt it. I do, however, salute him for his accomplishment only because frankly, very little people have the kind of perseverance and determination he possesses. It takes a great deal of foolishness to get on the knees and crawl along roads (while holding up traffic); pathetically sniffing the ground while pushing an orange to a designated destination. Nevertheless, Myles Anderson can still be content with the fact that he is undoubtedly going to hold his record for a very, very long time until yet another moron tries to outdo him.
On a side note, guess who holds the record for "fastest man" on earth, with an average speed of 36.8 km/h? Introducing Tim Montgomery, USA, the men's 100-metre record holder and the same person who got barred from competing in the Olympics due to drugs consumption. Cheap bastard.
Guinness World Records is truly a sham.
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