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I went to a public restroom the other day (out of necessity) when I happened to observe a few things which utterly pissed me off. As if entering an enclosed space with a nauseating, eye-tearing odour did not piss me off enough, the restroom was overly clamarous with annoying children (I never leave them out; I cannot emphasize enough on how much they always piss me off) playing catching, ON SLIPPERY FLOOR, and bald, impotent men puffing cigarette smoke, like as if they were doing their part in neutralising the smell of urine and crap. Jostling through the swarm of sweaty, fat people, I barely made my way to the nearest urinal. I could already hear my hardcore bladder begging to unleash its golden stream of prosperity so I promptly unzipped my pants, pulled out my unit and started urinating like a horse, just to find a TOTAL IDIOT NEXT TO ME who was DISTRACTING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Did I mention that one of the things which pisses me off most is having my urine session interrupted? That chump totally ruined mine.
Incident 1: So what possibly could that idiot have done to piss me off? Simple, he was standing this close [ ] (go ahead and measure the distance between the two square brackets -- in actual scale) to the urinal bowl, with his abdomen, forearms (because his hands were holding his genitals) and thighs touching the bowl. Try picturing that. I know that most of you have come across this type of people in some point of your life, but that particular moron really did gave "insecurity" a whole new meaning. As if the people around him were not minding their own business and peeping at his pathetic little birdy. Yeah, we are really curious about how a penis looks like because we have never seen one in our lives. Pig shit.
Incident 2: If the asshat above has written a mathematical function on how to feel perfectly self-conscious, then this next moron I am about to mention would be formulating the inverse function. He was standing on my left side, with legs 3 feet apart, his penis held with one hand and tip-toeing while he was at it. I was about to present him the award for "best pissing stance of the year" until I realised that he was standing A WHOLE FEET away from the urinal bowl, which pissed me off. Way to go, jackass, we all know that your piss can travel that far, no need to confirm our theories. Cases like this are often rare, if not, non-existent in certain places. I admit though, watching clowns like this making a fool out of themselves can be amusing sometimes because you get to see their cocks (not that I care, just some tips if you are interested in the first place). What puzzles me is what is their motive of doing so, other than feeling erotic or for self-pleasure? Professor Tan has come to a plausible deduction that they do not want to get any piss stains on their clothes. I would say it is a great and wise idea, but EXTREMELY SELF-CENTRED. Back to that asshole, what happened when his bladder was about to go empty? His stream grew weaker, right? So what did he do? He stood rooted and LET HIS STUPID URINE DRIP ITS WAY BACK TO HIS PENIS, LEAVING A TRAIL OF PISS STAINS ON THE FLOOR INSTEAD. I am not even kidding. Hey asshole, heard of hygiene?
Incident 3: I zipped my pants and farted loudly when suddenly this metrosexual male who was dressed in his Emporio Armani t-shirt (tight enough to accentuate his nipples), Guy Laroche leather belt and faded jeans from Levi's came in, parading his homosexual carcass as he made his way flamboyantly towards the sink. Oohhh, you wear designers' goods. BIG DEAL. Also extremely self-conscious, that particular queer ass did not mind waiting outside occupied cubicles for minutes when he was clearly desperate to let loose. Yet, right behind him was a row of unoccupied urinals, ready to take his perfume-scented urine and menstrual blood. But alfresco urination seemed too exposed for him (I used the word rather loosely here). Observing him gave me nothing less than a chuckle, because only then I knew that people were so varied in their characters. If I were in a position of authority, I would impose a rule in which no cubicles are allowed in male restrooms; only urinal bowls. Nationwide. Only then sexually-challenged beings like this will learn to utilise a urinal bowl for the first time in their lives. And you may ask "...but how are we going to take a dump, then?" No worries, I have considered that earlier. No toilet bowls? Use the urinal bowls! Wait... What about the metrosexuals? We need to cater to their needs as well, since they are constantly required to change their tampons. Arghh, those troublesome hermaphrodites are giving me a headache. Tell you what -- forget about abolishing cubicles.
Incident 4: It seems that metrosexuals are also neatly divided into two categories -- those who pee directly on to the water in the toilet bowl and those who are afraid to make splashing sounds and therefore, pee on to the porcelain instead. Yet, the latter is also neatly divided into two groups -- those who SIT DOWN AND PEE (call these people doo-doos, because the term sounds adequately gay to describe them) and those who are slightly manlier who do their business upright. As much as I do not want to, I commend the former for creativity. Bad luck struck me though; I got to meet a doo-doo on that particular day, further destructing my already ruined day. Frankly, I do not see the need for a man to pee silently in private cubicles, much less SITTING DOWN LIKE A WOMAN to do their business. Where do these doo-doos come from and why have not they been shot!? If there is a message that they are sending out, it is "hey, I am desperate for castration and vasectomy".
Incident 5: This guy here was pissing normally, but he was having such a good piss that he pissed me off.
Incident 6: When I was just about to leave this living hell, another idiot caught my attention. He was probably in his mid-forties and appeared affluent and educated. The only problem was he brought his 6-year-old daughter into the men's washroom with him because his girl probably needed to take a leak (and her mother was not there to accompany her to the ladies' washroom). It would not be so bad if he tended to his daughter, but he did not. He left his daughter unsupervised while he went on to comb his grey hair to hide his receding hairline, while his girl ventured further and further into the crowd of people. I do not know about his mental condition (he probably had mental impairments that I was not aware of, either that or he was just too damn stupid) but if I were him, I would try my best to constantly keep an eye on my young child where ever I bring her to, much less if it was a MEN'S PARADISE. I did not hesitate any further and went up to him, tapped him on his shoulder and waited for him to turn back. It was really time to knock some sense into his pea-brain. He turned back alright, only to be met by a smack *BOOM!!!* on his face (which effectively broke his nosebridge, which was my intention in the first place). While he was weeping away and wiping his nose blood, I gave him another punch right in the cojones. That successfully shut him up, because then he realised that the amount of crying was proportional to the amount of beatings. I proceeded to yell at him, "HEY ASSHOLE, WAKE UP!!! YOU ARE COMBING YOUR HAIR AT THE SINK WHILE YOUR DAUGHTER'S ASS GETS GROPED AND FONDLED, YOU IRRESPONSIBLE SHIT!" Obviously that was not the case, but I was just illustrating my point. Doing what he did is tantamount to leaving his daughter in a dark alley to be raped by sadistic strangers. Damn irresponsible parent. He is the reason why the rate of paedophilia continues to sky-rocket throughout the country.
There you have it! Six simple ways to tell whether someone needs a broken nosebridge or not. To help you with your judgment, I have put together an abridged version of my guide. It is advisable to print it out and keep a copy in your wallet, just in case. Here are some easy things to keep in mind:
1) Anyone who stands too close to the urinal bowl deserves a broken nose.
2) Include people who stand too far as well.
3) See a sissy? Do not hesitate.
4) Encounter someone who prides himself in peeing quietly? You know that they do not deserve to leave unharmed, don't you?
5) Anyone who feels better than you after taking a piss pisses you off. Everybody knows that. No worries though, send him a message.
6) Corporal punishment is mandatory for negligent parents. Be brave and lay the law down.
Remember, next time you visit a public restroom, look out for these people. They are bound to piss you off.
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