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I have a confession to make -- train rides are a torture. Ever since I learnt that I would have to rely on public transportation to get around for the next few years, I prayed daily that I would not meet anyone odd or disturbing on my rides. But my efforts were in vain. Almost every train ride I had was horrid thanks to the endless legions of assholes that come and go and annoy me to no end. It is like they all belong to some underground, secret society whose sole mission is to piss me off to the best of their abilities. Here are some of the morons I have met:
1) The 60-year-old lady with take-away food in her hand
We all know this type of people -- the overweight senior citizen in her mid-sixties with red permed hair, flabby arms and saggy breasts the size of dinner plates. I seriously do not understand these grandmothers. What is the point of dying your hair? Keeping up with the trends, eh? Does it make you feel self-confident and youthful now that you share the same hair colour as your granddaughter? News for you: you are haggard and withered – deal with it; no amount of cosmetic alteration could change that fact. What really bothers me, however, is not their hideous outlook, but the take-away chicken rice or fried bee hoon they carry into the train. Let us just say that the aroma of food diffuses very quickly and ubiquitously and not everybody is comfortable with inhaling the smell of food whilst travelling. I sure as hell am not. But I learnt to keep away from Chinatown and this incident has not repeated itself since, thankfully.
2) A group of school girls whose mouths cannot seal
Then we have the talkative school girls who chatter and laugh non-stop like their forefathers invented the MRT. Every word uttered by them reeks of gossip and nothing they have to say is important. What I notice is they normally try to look as prominent as possible to everybody on the train, and to achieve that, they speak in the most raucous and obnoxious tone ever. Oh please, you think that your chattering is cute? STOP, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. You girls are not pleasant to look at or pleasant to the ears. Gossips belong to hell, and I swear I am going to send you girls to hell if you do not shut up. Or bitch about you on my website, whichever I feel like doing.
3) The queer guy wearing earphones
This is the retard who puts on his earphones and bangs an imaginary drum set whilst closing his eyes. I would not care so much if he would be thoughtful enough to make subtle movements instead of vigorous and hyperactive fidgeting. It vibrates, and I cannot sleep properly, moron.
4) A horny couple
Yes, a horny couple. Not that I am envious of anything, but I cannot help but to get pissed off when there is a couple beside me smooching like they are seated on a spotlighted pedestal and everyone else is transparent. I usually turn away from them, but if I happen to catch a glimpse of them, they are usually caught up in some extreme tonguing and mutual, full-body groping. Talk about disgusting. Listen fuckers. I know you are proud of yourselves for staging an erotic show, but no one else is. If you get turned on so easily, just limit how far you can go to your house entrance. Making out leads to sex, and public sex leads you to hell, because I will kill you then. These people normally irritate you to the point that you feel like kicking their heads. And when they finally alight and you think you can catch your breath, for some inexplicable reason, another equally horny couple ALWAYS boards and sits right beside you again! And usually with more violent kissing this time – it is a vicious circle.
5) Fat people
They are not space-efficient or pleasant-smelling. In fact, they smell like public toilets. You know, the kind which people take turns to pee in, but nobody ever bothers to flush. Also, I am not quite fond of the idea of having other people’s greases seeping into my clothes. That is just ghastly. If I were in a position of authority, I would shrink MRT doors to about as wide as myself. Maybe then we would finally have no people emitting excess heat and warming the train and depleting oxygen level to the point of asphyxiation, no pigs perspiring like leaking pipes (and wetting me in the process) and definitely no mammoths taking up the space of two people and increasing the inertia of the train, thus resulting in a higher cost in order to replace the brakes more frequently. Now that I think of it, fat people are really troublesome. I do not mind if you are fat, but make sure you do not inconvenience others by being fat (i.e. do something about your weight, fat so).
6) Everyone
That is right. Having to share the train with anyone else is pain to me. They should reserve at least one carriage for me, or better, one carriage for everyone else. I own the rest. Anyone who questions this implementation will be shot right away for having such audacious thoughts.
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