| Articles » The true Friendster user (Friendsterer) |
Hi. My name is =«º~swëét_Þ®ïñcÉs§~º»=. If you do not know yet, I am a certified, established, true Friendsterer. I have decided to post this guide for all newbies who are having trouble manipulating Friendster. Here is why I am such a successful Friendsterer:
1) I have more than two hundred friends on my friends list.
Therefore, I am cool. You see, it is compulsory to have at least a few hundred people on my list or I will risk being deemed "lonely" and "friendless". Being the desperate and insecure jerk that I am, I randomly add people on my list to build up the number. Having a non-sociable image is the last thing I would ever want. Look, I even have "William Hung", "Yishun Junior College" and "Jay Chou Fan Club" on my list. Just amazing. Hail me people.
2) I approve all testimonials I receive.
Likewise, many testimonials=many friends and vice-versa. Apparently, a true Friendsterer, like me, believes so. Regardless of the quality of a testimonial, or the amount of hypocrisy it comes with, I will jolly well approve it, because when it comes to testimonials, all people care about is just the quantity. Having many testimonials means I am well-known. I like being popular; everyone does. How do I achieve it? Easy. Just pester people (or strangers) to write you a testimonial. If they do not want to, keep trying. Never give up. If you try hard enough, people will eventually give in and at the very least, drop you a two-liner. Nothing to worry about, who cares about the content anyway? As long as it is a +1 to the number of testimonials I have. Hell, I even like approving testimonials which are copied and pasted, particularly text arts. Those portraying a flower, a heart or even chinese characters. They look really trendy; I will just approve them for the sake of it. Remember, to be a true Friendsterer like me, the rule-of-thumb is this: Approve all testimonials you receive. I mean ALL.
3) I never keep my image stale.
Hey, I am an attention whore. I know (I used the word loosely here) that everybody visits my page every other day and to really tell them that I have a pulse and still am breathing, I change my primary photo every two days. I fritter away and take new photographs daily with my daddy's digital camera (my conventional camera is way too outdated and scanning is a lot of work), bad lighting (to hide blemishes, black heads and acne), a cheeky smile (to appear seductive and lusty) and bad photography skills, because I have none to begin with. Sometimes if I feel that I am too much of an ugly hag and too hideous to appear on the internet, I will do the next best thing -- putting up my childhood photo. I feel that it is absolutely brilliant; at least I can still feel cute and youthful, when it is really the opposite. Hmm... It is not cheating in any way right? The only difference is the pimples. Wait, there is the shitty hairstyle. And the yellow set of teeth. And... Forget it. I also pride myself in fulfilling the "6 photos only" quota. Heck, maybe put a picture or two of Hillary Duff and Linkin Park's Meteora (the album cover) to tell that public that I am a pop and Hollywood know-all. Because I am not. I will do whatever it takes to get noticed. I love being in the limelight, which is not reserved for me anyway in the first place. Did I mention I love neoprints as well? Oh, wait.
4) I never type in proper grammar.
That is because I am unique. aNd UnIQuE pEOpLe TypE lIKe ThiS lolx... aLtERnAtINg bETwEen LoWeR CAsE aND uPpEr CaSE osO mAKeS mE SPEcIaL.. u Noe wAD?? bEiNG cOHeRenT is WaYYyYyYY oVeRrAtEd; WhaT wE NeED mORe iS mORE iNtERnEt AcROnyMs, rEPeAtEd pUNCtUaTiONs aND dElIBeRaTe TyPOs to mESs ThiNgs up. pROpEr GraMMaR iz 4 NerDs, dUN maKe uRsElf oNE lolZ..!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!
5) My name is not my real name.
I have to have a unique online pseudonym to show that I am an internet veteran who knows how to utilise the character map. Why put "Lim Xian Wen" when you can add a touch of mystery to your non-existent personality by disguising yourself as "=«º~swëét_Þ®ïñcÉs§~º»="? Look at the number of testimonials I have received. All thanks to my distinctive nickname. Give it a try, it works really well!
6) I utilise the Bulletin Board to its fullest advantage.
See a questionnaire posted on your bulletin board? Take the hint. People want you to fill up those, that is why they post theirs in the first place. But there is also the underlying motive... Do not hold back though, return the favour by clogging up their bulletin board and stealing their bandwidth! And you may ask how. Hello? Do I need to spoonfeed it to you? Just answer those questionnaires as well! You see, people love my posts on the bulletin board. Really, I answer surveys like "hair up/down?" or "last time you cried?" because it truly matters a lot. People care a great deal about my personal life and preferences and I should really please them by keeping them informed of my first kiss, the first thing I do in the morning and my favourite chocolate bar. Not only that, bulletin posts indirectly help to popularise me. Think about it. If your friend sees your name appearing enough times in his/her bulletin board, he would at least be aware of your existence and give your silly posts a brief read. But do not get your hopes up; I might be wrong.
7) I own an online blog.
Universally, you are never a true Friendsterer unless you have an online blog. For those of you who suck at life, online blogs are the hip things which are mushrooming rapidly and ruining the internet AT THE SAME TIME. Well, I am a regular blogger. What is a blogger? A blogger is an unimportant person who pretends to be by writing to an imaginary audience about her (go figure) daily encounters in a petty page called a "web blog". I like my blog to be excessively special. I use micro-fonts, type entirely in lower case (or in some cases, the infamous AlTErNaTe CaSEs), add stupid background music, add a chatbox on the side and link to other bloggers only so that they would link back to me. I know people are all very interested in my private life so to save them the trouble of stalking me, I would give them full-length, comprehensive journals about my life. I try to include every meticulous detail, regardless of how insignificant they might seem. The result? A chronological "diary" which includes how many times I took a piss, what topping I chose for my ice-cream and how tired I am after the band practice. Some misuse blogs to rant about this Mrs. X who gives too much homework or the annoying bus driver who can never brake properly. I do not endorse such usage.
That is it! The 7 golden rules to abide by if you aspire to be a true Friendsterer like me! Work hard at it, you know that it is an accomplishment that would entirely change your life if you ever achieve it. I know because I have! Good luck!
Back to articles | Comment here |
|
|