| Articles » Attention all males: how to avoid getting ass-raped. |
It has been brought to my attention that today, not only females suffer from sexual assaults, but even males experience similar mishaps. The only reason behind this recent trend? Gay men. Those trouble-makers. Those sexually-challenged beings with a sexual identity crisis. Now, if you find yourself saying "I would rather take the most brutal physical assault that has been ever dished out than to be reamed in the ass", you are damn right buddy! Absolutely. I would jolly well rather have my teeth knocked out and my eyes blinded, but no way am I having anything going into my rear opening. Hell, even homework is a better option than to receive an exclusive treatment of butt rape. That being said, it has become my responsibility to prevent this unhealthy atrocity from rearing its ugly head and me being your saviour in times of need, I have taken the liberty to compile a comprehensive list of precautions to take to avoid getting a sore asshole.
1) Always stay away from guys with fringes longer than your wee wee.
This is a very simple precaution to take. When you see any guy (both familiar and unfamiliar; I warn you) with some freaking long locks, that is a fairly good indication that you should keep your distance from him. Like if you ever had the misfortune of walking into the old Hanson brothers, you should know better than to get any closer to them. Dash as quickly as possible in the opposite direction if you value your sub-virginity. Now, I know that not all guys with long hair are homosexuals, but this is merely for good measure. Just avoid them completely to really be on the safe side. Would you want to hang around an unscrupulous-looking hermaphrodite, who could possibly be a potential attacker? Not if you want your asshole to remain intact after a night long's party. I would not risk it either.
2) Bring a pitbull wherever you go.
The pitbull will have its teeth sinked in your attacker's meaty ass cheeks before the latter can even get out his lubricant for any erotic activity.
3) Butt plugs! Butt plugs! Butt plugs!
I cannot emphasize enough on this method. All you have to do is search for small articles (which should not be difficult, just look around on your office desk) and shove them up your ass! JUST CLOG IT UP, YOU SKANKY SON OF A BITCH! You can use marbles, cigarette buds or even Mentos tubes -- whatever the hell suits you! I would recommend baby pacifiers though. They are pretty compatible with the delicate insides of your rectum linings, yet fashionably hip. The good thing about this method is it is fool-proof. The reasoning is simple. If your rectum is occupied, there is no chance in hell any foreign object (read: a penis) is reaming its way into your cornhole. End of story. If you like sadomasochism, please proceed to 4) and for those who are not utterly comfortable with the idea of having extraneous objects in a peculiar location in your body, proceed to 5).
4) The I-will-bite-your-penis-off method.
This precaution is for heavy duty purposes only. For instance, if you have been continuously stalked by a gay man for quite some time now and you have finally decided to end his self-satisfying escapades, then try using the I-will-bite-your-penis-off method. The IWBYPO in short. This is fairly elementary as well. Wear a strip of double-sided tape lined with little razor-sharp teeth around your anus (so that an aerial view of your anus would resemble a mouth, kind of) and start luring your stalker! Because if you have a stalker, chances are big that he will eventually ass-rape you. Anticipate that moment and once he is in, contract your sphincter muscles! Game over. His penis would have been detached from the razor-sharp teeth slicing through his erectile muscles and urethra. If you dislike the tingling sensation of a decapitated dick being in your rectum, you may shit it out.
5) The pole-in-the-pool method.
That is right. Let me make it less ambiguous -- it means pulling your penis back and stuffing it in your asshole. Nothing fancy, same old concept as butt-plugging.
6) Just oppose the force!
If all of the above fail, do not worry -- there is still a last resort to bail you out in the aforementioned situation. Just oppose the force! To break it down into simple terms for the slow, it means shitting out every time your attacker inserts his stick. That would be adequate to force him out of your cornhole. Never oppose the opposite direction though, you would not want to pull him back into you. You would want to expell him like a log of shit. If you do this often enough, your attacker would eventually give up and probably bitch-slap you in the end. Who cares? Remember, anything is better than involuntary sex with a man. If you lack confidence in this method, you can always plan out a practice routine using Aladdin's ice-cream cones. Be careful not to crunch.
At this point, you should be pretty familiar on how to defend yourself against a male rapist. Never, I repeat, never lose your guard in a place filled with men like the army training camp or prison (this one is tough). You never know what could possibly happen but things do happen. Things much worse than your worst nightmares. I have issued you a fair warning.
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