I fear to touch you, sometimes...
My Thoughts
Black - January 2002
The safest spot to be is far away from myself. Nothing good ever comes of being near to me, of knowing me. Some have been fooled for days, weeks, a few even for a year or two. Laugh at them, heartily. But they all learn eventually, and move on, to better things, better lives. I ask you now, if you know me, stop talking to me, it is a waste of time. If you don't know me, I congratulate you.
When I am dead, before I am charred into ashes, if there is some sort of place where people come to see my body (why bother?) ...although, the odds of many people showing are slim... and of those that did come, how many would be 'made' to come? There are very few who would have any true reason for being there, and of those, many of them are fooling themselves, I was not worth their time in the first place, and it's not worth coming to see my corpse, I'm dead, it's all over...go out, have fun, that's what life is about. Back to this viewing place, I want a song by the Smiths played... "how soon is now?" That is my song, I embrace it. Listen to it, and you will know me, at least part of me. ::Shrug:: So, if you've been forced to come see the dead bloated corpse, at least enjoy the music. Play the song continuously, and though I'll be dead and unable to hear, so what? I get my one last wish, play it loud, let it rattle my corpse's bones til they shake. Hmm, Dead Can Dance, wasn't that a group?
Yeah, I'm still alive, I realize this. I'm not stupid. I have my responsibilities, which I fulfill very poorly, let me assure you. I'm worth more dead than alive, at least that's an interesting thought, keep you warm at night. Blackness enfolds my soul ever more tightly, but even years ago, it was tight enough... it's had me for a long, long time....goodbye...
Gray - May 2002
Well... I'm alone now, feels about the same for the most part, guess that's not a good statement on my life. Then again, how many good statements COULD there be? Let me write my obituary. Duane's impact upon the world was roughly that of a cold sore, irritating and ugly but thankfully you didn't have to deal with him very often, if you're lucky then not at all. ... I will now rename this area the Three Dot Lounge. Some will know where this comes from, if you do, well if anyone reads this... you get bonus points. You know, I used to listen to Smashing Pumpkins sooo much, and now I almost never do, I wonder why? Okay, the color is Gray, not Black, so let me bring some light in, hmm? Still holding onto hope, though I'm kind of scared to admit it. Hope means you can fail and lose. Fear of failure, there's a recurring theme for me. If you refuse to try, can you really fail? Is that the ultimate failure? It's a positive though that I haven't tossed in the towel completely. As long as you're playing the game, you haven't quite lost yet.
Off-White - May 2005
Hmm, where to start? I'm living with my girlfriend now, and it's wonderful having someone there who is happy when you get home. And, someone you look forward to coming home to see... I still don't really have any friends, I only seem to connect with people I'm around for a significant amount of time, and I'm hardly ever around anyone that much. I guess I'm too shy and nervous about rejection to open up unless I've been around them long enough to trust them. It sucks though. My son Justin is growing into such a wonderful boy, damn I'm proud of him. I'm listening to Smashing Pumpkins a lot again, still love them. I miss the days when I was in chatrooms, sharing of myself, my life... with people I cared deeply about. I miss you.
And Then There Was Light - February 2007
Smashing Pumpkins still rule, btw. Major regret that I didn't go see them in concert when I was young and they were 'perfect'. Justin is getting some of my sense of humor and wit, watch out world! I really like seeing how his mind works on things sometimes, he's devious and clever, yet kind and caring. Kid is doing well so far, I might not mess this up. Married almost a year now. Funny, each time I get married, I go to Hawaii but a different island. This doesn't seem to be a disincentive to divorce... Kidding! But not. Work is work, I do it so they don't throw us out on the street, being broke just sucks though. Working poor, yuck. My wife April is so fantastic, I love her so muh. I can just hear her now, she'd say "Honey, you're the only one who feels that way." and I'd probably say the same to her. But as long as we both think the other is the bestest, that's all that matters, right? Go Light!
Duane