How many JAPS does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
The captain of a Syrian airliner sends out a Mayday message. "This is Syrian airlines 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast other than Israel."
No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian airlines 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-east other than Israel."
Silence.
A while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian airlines 174. We are desperate. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at airports in the mideast other than Israel.
Still no answer.
Finally, the captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airlines 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at any airport in the mideast including Israel."
Shortly thereafter a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit: "Shalom Syrian Air 174-this is Tel Aviv airport. We would like to help."
"God bless you," says the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?"
"Repeat after me: Yitgadal, Vyitkadash."
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.
Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
Commercial break:
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grandpa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grandpa Moishe. Go tell Grandma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver."
Ben went out and told Grandma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grandpa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Grandma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Grandma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grandpa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman that I want to marry. She is a Native American and her name is 'Shooting Star.'"
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too--it is 'Running River.' You have to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom."
"I do," says the mother. "Just call me "Sitting Shiva."
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them.
Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour-ninety minutes long, tops." They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president.
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "Shoot me first!"
Commercial break:
Adirondack Life
Magazine Description Adirondack Life, published eight times a year, is a guide to the regions of the Adirondacks. Each issue showcases full-color photography along with such regular departments as "Northern Lights," "Special Places," and "Yesteryears."
OK, we now return...
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the Jewish man was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... .and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS...."
Three Hadassah ladies are killed in a tragic accident. Their souls head up to Heaven. At the gates they are met by St. Peter. St. Peter takes their names and looks them up in his manifest. "I'm sorry ladies, but you're not in here. I'm afraid you'll have to go to Hell."
The next day the Lord calls St. Peter in and asks, "Hey Pete, where are those Hadassah ladies I called up yesterday? I've got plans for them and want to talk to them."
Commercial break:
Rolling Stone
Magazine DescriptionRolling Stone is the granddaddy of rock and roll magazines. It serves up the latest news in popular culture, music, celebrities, and politics. Each jam-packed issue includes music, film, and book reviews. With an unabashed eye, the magazine's writers go backstage and report on what's hot and up-and-coming in the music industry. With its musical savvy and humorous tone, Rolling Stone will amuse and edify you.
OK, we now return...
St. Peter: (trembling a bit) The Hadassah ladies? But they weren't on the manifest!
Lord: Manifest Shmanifest. Just bring them to me.
St. Peter: But since they weren't in the manifest, I couldn't let them in...
Lord: So what did you do, send them to Purgatory? No big deal just bring them back.
St. Peter: Well actually, since they weren't Catholic...
Lord: What, you sent them to Hell!?!?!?!
St. Peter: Um er ah yeah.
Lord: Well get down there and bring them back!
St. Peter leaves and heads down to Hell. When he gets there he meets up with Satan.
Satan: Petie boy, pleasure to see you. What brings you down here?
St. Peter: I made an awful mistake yesterday. Those three Hadassah ladies I sent down belong in Heavan. The Big Boss is all over my case. I've got to bring them back.
Satan: No way. I'm not giving them back.
St. Peter: Whaddya mean you won't give them back?!?! The Lord is demanding them back.
Satan: I don't care. They've been here a little over 24 hours and already they've raised over 30 million to air condition this place and put in a senior center!
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