A pious rabbi passed away and arrived in heaven; he was immediately served a meal of schmaltz herring. Though surprised and a little disappointed at this humble meal, the rabbi said nothing. But later, glimpsing into the Other Place, he noticed that the people there were eating bagels and lox, toast, and eggs.
For the next meal the rabbi was again served a plate of schmaltz herring, only this time it was accompanied by a glass of tea. After the meal, the rabbi looked again at the Other Place, and noticed that the people there were feasting on blintzes, soup, sour cream, and berries.
For supper an angel came and brought the rabbi another plate of schmaltz herring and a glass of tea. Later, he looked at the Other Place, where he noticed that the people were eating steak and turkey, and drinking fine wine.
Finally, the rabbi could not control himself, and he turned to the angel and said, "I don't understand it. This is supposed to be heaven, but all I get to eat is schmaltz herring. But in the Other Place, I see that they eat like kings."
The angel gave an uneasy smile and replied, "I know. But to tell you the truth, it doesn't pay to cook for just two people."
Ira comes home from his visit to the doctor very flustered; he calls to his wife, Esther: "Esther, I have terrible news."
"What is it Ira?"
"The doctor says I have HERPES!"
"Herpes! Oy that's terrible! Hey Ira, by the vay, vat is herpes?"
"You know, Esther, I'm not sure myself, I'm going to look it up."
After with much panick, looking in a book, Ira says: "Oh, thank God Esther, the doctor made a mistake."
"But Ira, how can you be so sure?"
"Because it says right here: 'Herpes: a disease of the GENTILES!'
Commercial break:
What a happened when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
Why do Jews get circumcised?
Because Jewish women like twenty percent off.
Johnny came home from school and proudly announced to his mother that he had landed a part in the school play. Mother was, of course, quite pleased and asked what character he was going to play.
"I'm going to play the part of the Jewish husband."
Mother replied angrily, "Now Johnny, you march right back to school and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES???"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season!"
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
THE ETERNAL JEWISH TRUTHS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S TALMUD
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
Commercial break:
OK, we now return...
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
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