Drake will rule you

Navigation Menu

Drake will rule you!

Thanks Drake...have a chocolate drop on me!
Lisa from England, age 29

Dear Lisa, Drake does not usually get mail from a whole country. Drake thinks you're question was very smart, for a silly human. Drake does not go to dog shows. Drake is the ultimate dog, so a dog show would offer no competition. Drake refuses to enter dog shows, because Drake knows he would rule them. Drake thinks that if other dogs want to be on the show, that's their business. Waggiest tail, indeed! Drake's tail wags like no other! Drake's tail can knock over a lamp at three paces with one swipe. Drake does not prance for anyone. The future ruler of the world stalks, prowls, strides, and possibly even struts. Drake prances like a fairy for no one. Those dog show dogs will be the first against the wall when the revolution ...No, hold on! Drake thinks you have been mislead. The dogs will be marking territory; Drake did not mean to imply otherwise. Conquer the world? That is the last thing on Drake's mind. Drake just wants to eat hard brown pebbles and catch flying disks in a large grassy field. Drake is a normal dog. Drake will have that chocolate now. Your life will be spared, Lisa. Good thinking sending chocolate with your letter.

`The chocolate has been consumed, and it was good, Drake`

Drake,
Love the page and kudos on typing so well without thumbs. Apocalypse, the dog to whom I give food, keeps trying to steal my thumbs when I'm not paying attention. I'm beginning to think she has plans to take over the world.
She really doesn't like it when I touch her stuff, like the front door, or the back door, or the refrigerator, or the couch, or the rug.

If we were still doing our monthly show "Stupid Questions Weekly" we'd invite you as a guest host. We gave guest hosts food you know.

Thanks,
Josh from Florida, age 23

Dear Josh, Apocalypse is a very cool name. The obtuse humans who gave named Drake should have gone with something very cool like DRAGON!, or GENGHIS DOG!, or FLUFFY! No, not Fluffy! Drake meant to say KILLER!. I swear I didn't mean Fluffy; Fluffy is a girl's name. What kind of world conqueror would be called Fluffy? Oh, back to the letter. Drake thinks you are a very smart human, for recognizing that all that stuff really belongs to Apocalypse. The easiest way to determine who is in charge is to look at Apocalypse's canines, then looking at yours in the mirror. Whomever has the largest (or most abundant) canines wins. Drake thinks you have gotten off lucky if you still have any fingers left at all. But humans always make such a big deal about opposable thumbs. Drake has no opposable thumbs, and it does not stop Drake! Drake does not need your ape-hands to subjugate humanity, Drake will use his cunning mind and ninja tactics to subjugate you all! Drake thinks your show has merit, and may permit it to air once again. Drake noticed that you did not enclose any of the food in your letter, however, so you will still be sent to the beef mines with the other short-sighted humans, for no less than one dog year. That's about six weeks your time. Bring back prime rib, and Drake will be merciful. Give Apocalypse extra food tonight, and Drake may let you off the hook altogether. Drake will know if you have fed Apocalypse extra, so don't try any tricks.

`Apocalypse is a cool name, man Drake`

Dear Drake,
You are invited to the 10th Annual Student BBQ and Faculty VS. Students Softball Game held on Saturday, from 11 - 3 p.m. at Fox Glen Park (4200 East Butler - right hand side going east). If you plan on coming, please RSVP to the department office (room 209). You don't need to bring anything but yourselves!

Jodi Erickson, Administrative Assistant Department of Physics & Astronomy Northern Arizona University

Dear Jodi Erickson, Of course Drake will come to your barbeque. Finally, someone from the secondary education establishment has noticed Drake's genius, and offered Drake food. Drake will reward you for your foresight in sending this invitation. Drake does not RSVP, however. Drake will come when it is convenient for Drake, but it will probably be early. In fact, Drake demands that you move the picnic to Friday, because Drake wants a head start on the food before inane humans get a chance to eat it all. Drake will not 'fetch' or 'catch' or 'other-things-ending-in-tch' just because the picnic is at a park. Drake does not stoop to the level of the obedient, servant dog. Drake thinks you should chase the stupid stick, or flying whirly-gig, or rolly-whosiwhatsit. Drake will want both hot-dogs and hamburgers, and they better not be those tofu-burgers, or the punishment will be harsh. Drake will also have the steak and chicken, with some chips on the side. Be sure to purchase large amounts of bacon for a side-dish, as well. Drake will not be bringing any food for others to consume. That was a silly idea. Drake would appreciate it if you would be less obtuse in the future.

`Thanks for finally recognizing Drake's genius, Drake`

Dear Drake,
If you had to decide between buying a golden pimp-dog collar with lots of diamonds or food, which would you choose? I would choose the collar, because I'm sure your humans buy you food anyway.

Thanks Drake,
Jared from North Dakota, Age 22

Dear Jared, Drake thinks your question has some merit. Drake does get most of his food from the ignorant people in the house, and so would not go without food if Drake bought the pimp collar. However, Drake would have more food if the collar was forsaken. Drake will have to think about this one for a few minutes. Drake has considered your question. While the pimp collar has it's advantages, Drake does not need glamour and shiny things to get attention. Drake will get all the attention soon enough. In the meantime, Drake would have to decide that buying food is a better option. Drake always has room for more food in this stomach. Drake will buy steak. Send the money for the pimp-collar, so arrangements with the grocer can be made.