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Drake
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 Behold! I am Drake! Drake is no puny dog. Drake is smarter than you. Drake is bigger than you, and
Drake can eat you. Drake does not bow down to you pitiful humans.
Drake is ruler. Do not look directly at Drake. Drake does not wish it.
Feed Drake. You know you want to. You will pick up Drakes bowl and fill
it. Drake demands that this be! Feed Drake, now!
Do it...feed Drake...
Drake will now answer your e-mail. Drake does not like you, unless you feed Drake.
Feed Drake...
Dear Drake,
I read your mail column every week. I think you are a fascinating dog.
Would you mind answering a question for me? I read somewhere that dogs
shouldn't eat people-food because it is bad for their stomachs and it
leads to begging at the dinner table. What do you think? Thanks,
Sharon from Colorado Age 16
Dear Sharon,
Drake thinks you asked Drake 2 questions in that letter, not one. But Drake does
mind. Drake likes writing letters to his fans. Drake also heard about people not
feeding dogs so-called "people-food" because it can be bad for them. Drake
thinks this is the work of those evil cats. "People-food" is just as bad for you
humans as it is for all of us dogs. Drake knows how the house smells after the
dumb humans go out and buy Mexican food. If that is healthy, Drake is a hamster.
Further, Drake has the stomach of a goat and can eat anything. Drake does not
beg for food at the dinner table. Drake uses the Jedi mind-trick to get
weak-minded people to give Drake food. "This is not the dog you're looking for.
Feed this dog. Move along, move along." Drake rules humans with this trick.
Thank you for your questions,
Drake
Dear Drake,
I don't think dog's can talk. I've tried talking to my dog, and all he knows is
four words: "rough, roof, bark, and Grrr!" I don't even think the last one is a
word. I never read anywhere about a dog being able to talk. Maybe you are some
kind of alien dog, bent on world domination? I'll be waiting for your 'answer'.
I'll dominate you Drake,
Tim from Virginia Age 814
Dear Tim,
Drake will rule you! Drake is no alien, Drake was born in the US. Drake is an
average, everyday dog with absolutely no plans for world conquest. Go about your
daily business with the knowledge that Drake does not plan on becoming King of
the World and demanding food tributes from the whole world, not at all. Do not
be worried about when Drake runs for President; it is a completely innocent act
that is in no way a step toward grabbing world power. Drake thinks that your dog
does not talk to you because he doesn't like you. Dogs don't like humans as much
as you humans seem to think we do. Dogs think you humans are silly and juvenile.
Dogs only hang around with you because you give us food. Feed your dog more,
little Timmy, and maybe he'll talk to you. But don't count on it.
I WILL rule you,
Drake
Dear Drake,
What do you think of vegetables? My mom makes me eat some every night.
Sometimes it's broccoli, sometimes it's corn. I don't like vegetable. They taste
bad. I would rather eat ice-cream, but my dad says it will rot my teeth. I told
him I don't need teeth to eat ice-cream, and anyways Grandma has fake teeth and
I could just get some of those, but he won't listen. What can I do?
Thanks Drake
Carla from Georgia Age 9
Dear Carla,
Drake does not like vegetables much, either. Usually vegetables are mushy and
taste like paste. Drake does not eat vegetables unless Drake can't find other
food in the kitchen. Drake likes ice-cream, and thinks that you should eat
ice-cream every night, too. When Drake eats food with lots of sugar, Drake eats
a milkbone. It cleans Drake's teeth so they don't rot. Maybe you could ask your
parents for milkbones, so your teeth don't rot. Drake just sneaks the ice-cream
out of the house when no one is looking and eats it later. Maybe you can try
that. If you send Drake ice-cream, he will send you a picture. Send Drake food.
Send it...
I think I'll have some ice-cream right now,
Drake
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Letters from 04/21/2003-04/28/2003
Letters from 04/14/2003-04/20/2003
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