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Drake
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 Behold! I am Drake! Drake is no puny dog. Drake is smarter than you. Drake is bigger than you, and
Drake can eat you. Drake does not bow down to you pitiful humans.
Drake is ruler. Do not look directly at Drake. Drake does not wish it.
Feed Drake. You know you want to. You will pick up Drakes bowl and fill
it. Drake demands that this be! Feed Drake, now!
Do it...feed Drake...
Drake will now answer your e-mail. Drake does not like you, unless you feed Drake.
Feed Drake...
Dear Drake,
I love your web site. How often do they feed you? Did you really eat a whole pot roast? I like pot roast. Did it have any gravy?
Thanks for answering my questions. I like you.
Thanks,
Susan from Indiana Age 6
Dear Susan,
Drake makes humans feed Drake up to four times a day. Drake will fake out the humans by pretending Drake hasn't been fed. The dumb humans will feed Drake over and over. Drake is smarter than they are. Drake did eat a pot roast. It did not have gravy, but it was tender. The humans were not happy, but Drake does not care. Drake rules them. Drake also likes gravy, but beef is beef. Drake will like you if you send Drake food with your letters. Drake will send you an autograph if you send Drake a whole pot roast.
Goodbye Susan,
Drake
Dear Drake,
I heard that you like to eat Velveta cheese. I like to eat Velveta cheese on nachos. Do you eat nachos? Nachos are chips with cheese melted on them. Sometimes my mom puts beans and meat on the chips, too. Once, my dad ate a green spicy bit, and he had to eat a whole roll of Tums. I thought Tums was candy, so I ate one. It didn't taste good. Do you like Tums? I think nachos are way better than Tums. Please write me a letter back. My brother does not think that dogs can talk. I told him you talk. My brother is dumb.
Thank you Drake,
Baker from Arizona Age 8
Dear Baker,
Drake likes Velveeta cheese. Drake likes bakers. Bakers make good food. Drake likes putting
Velveeta on bread. The dumb humans put the bread on top of the
refrigerator, but Drake is smarter than them. Drake gets bread from the store down the road. The human at the store likes Drake. He always gives Drake the old Twinkies. Drake does not eat nachos, because the dumb humans won't let Drake in to the kitchen when they are making nachos. Sometimes, the humans leave
Velveeta cheese on the counter, and Drake can sneak in and steal it. When Drake eats seven pound blocks of
Velveeta cheese, Drake usually has some Tums later. Drake has to spend those nights outside, but Drake doesn't mind. Drake buried food outside. Your brother is very stupid. Of course dogs can talk. Dogs don't like to talk to humans, because humans are dumb. Tell your brother to send Drake food, or Drake will eat him.
Goodbye Baker,
Drake
Dear Fatty,
Drake, you are a fat dog. Fat fat fat. If you were in Scotland, they'd call you Fatty McFatfat. If you were in Germany, you'd be Baron von Fat. If you were at my house, I'd call you Fatty Fatty Fat Fat. You are Tons of Fun. Tubby. Drake the Tubster. Tubaroony. You're not big-boned. You're fat.
Thanks, Fatty
Steve from Minnesota Age 11
Dear Steve,
Drake does not like you. Send Drake food, and Drake will not come to Minnesota and eat you. Drake is not fat. Drake is pure muscle. Besides, Drake does not listen to dumb humans who insult Drake. You are very dumb. If you were in
Spain, you'd be Senior Dumb el Stupidio. If you were in Poland, you'd be...a Pollock. If you were in England, you'd be Sir Dumbhead. If you were here, you'd be in Drake's stomach. Drake will not waste any more time on your very dumb letter. Drake has better things to do.
You are very stupid,
Drake
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