Drake will rule you

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Drake will rule you!

Thanks,
Arnold from Kansas, age 14

Dear Arnold, Drake likes cats...for breakfast! Hahahahahaha! No, really though, Drake does not like cats very much. Cats are far lower than Drake on the food chain. Drake thinks cats are stuck up, snotty, and rude. They always want you too feed them, or pay attention to them, or play with them. They want to sleep on your lap, or in the bed, and eat food out of a can. Cats have no ambition, they don't even want to rule the world. They are not like dogs at all. Drake thinks humans should stop wasting perfectly good fish and animals by putting them in cat food, and instead give them to Drake. Drake deserves your food more than cats do. Drake will turn them all into slaves when he takes over the world! Hahahahaha! Just kidding, Drake will not take over the world. Today. Maybe.

`Cats are very stupid, and dumb, Drake`

Dear Drake,
What would happen if Stone Cold Steve Austin and you were in a wrestling match? Who would win?

Thanks,
Joey from Texas, no age given

Dear Joey, Drake will rule Stone Cold! Drake does not fear any puny wrestling man! Drake would beat Stone Cold nearly senseless, then finish him off with a Flying Fat Slam. No one expects the Flying Fat Slam! One Slam would bring Stone Cold to the ground, and one more would finish him off for good. Drake would be the WWE Champion if they didn't have such strong rules about animals as wrestlers. Drake will show them, when Drake is in charge! Uhh, in charge of napping on the couch, of course...not in charge of the whole world...Drake does not want to rule the whole world, or anything... Right...moving on...

`Drake would RULE Stone Cold, Drake`

Dear Drake, if that IS your real name,
I need to know about a condition called Plantar Facilities. I was just diagnosed with the rather common disorder of the foot due to fallen arches. Mine are particularly flat and as rough skinned on the "arch" as the otherwise rough sided part of the foot. Also, do you know where I could score some heavy painkillers. The doctor wont sell them to me because he fears I will sell it to my friends and boyfriend. Aw, gee. Drake, I need some help. Oh, and you should wrestle me, too. I bet I would win.
p.s check out homestarrunner.com, its a rad sight.

Signed, Abigail from Arizona, age 23

Dear Abigail, Of course Drake is Drake's real first name. Why would Drake need a secret identity? Do you think Drake is some kind of superhero, hiding behind the facade of a normal Do you know how often Drake gets requests for medical advice? Okay, this is the first letter. Since Drake is neither a doctor nor can Drake read, Drake is uniquely qualified to help you out. The first thing a dog will do when faced with a dilemma is lick the testicles for a while. If you cannot reach yours, or you do not have any, move along to step two. Step two is to lick the infected area. This can be done in a variety of ways, but Drake recommends Yoga to help with the stretching. Falling arches can be cured by tying them up with string, or by walking on all fours. Choose whichever option you desire. Drake also recommends using one of those pumice stones in the B...A...T...H to rub off the rough skin. Painkillers are all well and good, but what you need is a milkbone and a good scratch behind the ears. This has always worked for Drake. To trick some other unsuspecting human into giving you these, do something utterly moronic, like sitting on you hind legs with your paws in the air, or bringing someone their slippers. If all else fails, try the Jedi mind trick. Also, Drake hears those 'back massagers' you can buy at the adult bookstore do wonders for stress. Drake will RULE you right after Drake rules Stone Cold Steve Austin. Do you think an insignificant human could take on Drake the Mighty? Drake is the undisputed rule o the wrestling world...and soon, the entire world will be mine- sorry, just thinking out loud, hypothetically, of course. Drake has checked out homestarrunner.com. The best part of that site is Strong Bad's e-mail. Drake thinks Strong Bad would get along well with Drake, as long as Strong Bad remembers who wears the pants, err...collar in the relationship.

`Thanks for your letter, Abigail, Drake`

Dear Drake,
I work for UPS, and often wonder what dogs think of us delivery people. How do you feel about deliveries? Do you prefer one carrier over another? Don't you think the price of stamps is rather high? Do you think I am too old to write letters to a dog on the Internet?

Thanks Drake,
Charlie from Nevada, Age 29

Dear Charlie, Drake knows this UPS of which you speak. Drake will recount his favorite UPS memory for you. It was an average day. There was only one dumb human in Drakes house, the rest were out doing whatever it is you dumb humans do all the time. Drake was napping quietly in the back yard, absolutely NOT planning world domination, when a large truck stopped in front of the house. Drake has super hearing, and so wasn't surprised at all when the doorbell rang. Nevertheless, Drake ran to the front door barking like mad. Drake knows this scares off anyone dumb enough to come to the front door. The dumb human in the house opened the door, and outside was an even dumber human wearing all brown clothes. With Drake's super sense of smell, Drake detected a glazed ham in the back of the truck. Using Drakes super-sneaky ninja moves, Drake made a break for the truck. Drake jumped in through the front door of the truck as the pitiful humans with their two-legs-pumping-up-and-down-running-motion tried to catch up. Drake could really smell the ham now, and walked right into the back of the truck, pulled the Ham off the shelf, and began opening it. Before Drake could open it, the stupid humans got in the truck and took it away from Drake. Drake will not forget this. The dumb UPS human took a ham away from Drake, and that human will one day be forced to feed Drake a whole glazed ham every day, for the rest of his life. As for the other services, Drake thinks they are pretty much the same. They come to the house, Drake barks to scare them away. They are stupid because they keep coming back almost every day, but one day they will learn. Charlie, Drake does not know how to put this delicately, so Drake will just come out and say it: You're 29. Get a life. And send Drake food. A glazed ham would be acceptable, and would go a long way towards repairing the breach the other deliveryman created. Perhaps Drake will go easy on UPS if you send food. Drake may find it in his heart to forgive you. Perhaps you will not have to be Drake's slave...

`Drake has no plans for world domination, none at all, really, Drake`

Send Drake an e-mail! Drake may answer it and put it on the website. Mail Drake Now!

Letters from 04/21/2003-04/28/2003

Letters from 04/14/2003-04/20/2003

Thanks, Arnold from Kansas, age 14

Cats are very stupid, and dumb, Drake

Thanks, Joey from Texas, no age given

Drake would RULE Stone Cold, Drake