It's been about two weeks since Buffy and I kissed in my car and we have since then gone on three secret dates. Each and every one of them ended up in my bed. I feel awful about this. I mean, Willow would never forgive me or Buffy if I told her. But if I don't tell her, I'm the biggest bastard alive ! I mean un-dead. And anyway, I can't go on like this. I gotta choose between Willow and Buffy. But I can't do that myself ! I need some advice ! I can't ask Xander 'cuz, in my wicked mind, this is all his fault so I guess I'll just have to pay Angel a visit. I'm going right now.

I got to his appartement. I almost turned away when I stood in front of his door. But then, I thought about Willow so I knocked on the door. And Angel opened.

"Spike ! What are you doing here ?"
"I need to talk to you. Can I come in ?"
"Sure. I thought you never wanted to see me again."
"Oh, I don't. It's just that I need someone to talk to. And you'll have to swear that you won't tell a soul, or a vampire, about what I'm gonna tell you."
"Okay, I swear."
"There's something else. I'm gonna ask you to give me some advice. Swear you won't let any of your personal feelings affect your judgement."
"I swear. Now, tell me."
"I guess you know I'm seeing Willow ?"
"Yeah, you two started dating about a month ago, right ?"
"Actually, no. What really happened is that after seeing you with Buffy that night, Willow and I went out and got drunk. And we kinda slept together."
"What ?! I didn't know that ! On Buffy's birthday ? Man, you're disgusting !"
"Yeah, you're one to talk. Remember what *you* did on her 17th birthday ? And by the way, I had already told her that it was over. So, back to my conplicated life. We slept together. After that, she and I started to see each other in secret. Two weeks after that, we went on a 'official date'. Everything was just fine 'till about two weeks ago. Buffy, Willow, Xander and I were at the Bronze. Xander was in one of his bad moods so he started bugging the rest of us. Willow got pretty mad and left by her self. Buffy needed a ride so I gave her a ride. We got to talking and we ended kissing. Since then, I've gone on three secret dates with her which all ended in a intimate kinda way. You see what in Hell of a mess I got myself into ?"
"And you don't know what to do."
"Yeah. What do you think I should do ?"
"It depends. Do you love Willow ?"
"I don't know. I feel someting but I'm not sure if I'm actually in love with her."
"Do you love Buffy ?"
"Never stopped."
"Then you've got your answer."
"But I don't wanna hurt Willow."
"You've alredy hurt her."
"I gotta talk to Buffy about this. To see what she thinks about this. Thanks."
"Anytime. And Spike, good luck."

Angel's got a point. If I'm not sure that I love Willow, why should I choose her ? And Buffy. Maybe she doesn't want me to tell Willow about what's going on. But something's sure : if Willow is gonna find out, I don't want it to be like I found out about Buffy and Angel. I hope Buffy's home. I'm just gonna call her, I don't wanna risk having another one of those 'sleep-over party'. Not that I don't like it, but if I choose Willow, I don't want any more of those on my conscience.

"Who ever it is, you're dead."
"I'm already dead, Buffy."
"Spike ? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night ?"
"I gotta talk to you. And remind me to never wake you up in the middle of the night again."
"What do you wanna talk about ?"
"Us."
"I don't think we should have this conversation over the phone. I'm coming to your place."
"No ! I mean, no, you don't have to."
"Why ?"
" 'Cuz you know how it ends when you come over."
"Oh. *that*. No, I'm too tired. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
"Okay."

Now, I gotta take control over myself. Buffy and I are not gonna end up in my bed tonight. We are just gonna talk. And maybe we can make out when we're finished talking. Oh, here's Buffy.

"Here I am. Let's talk."
"Okay. Well, I've been thinking a lot lately and I got to the point where I have to choose between you and Willow."
"Oh. Have you made your mind ?"
"Yes. Well, I love you, Buffy. You're like... my favourite mistake."
"So I'm a mistake."
"No ! Of course not. But cheating on Willow is. You see what I mean ?"
"Yes. So, What are going to do ?"
"I'm gonna tell Willow. And I'm gonna stay with you."
"Are you sure ? I mean, she's gonna be crushed. And she's probably never gonna speak to us ever again."
"I know but I don't want her to find out like I did about you and Angel. And we knew that we would have to tell her sooner or later when we got together."
"I know but this is gonna be so hard ! And she won't have anyone to talk to you, since her best friend that stole her boy-friend. I never intended to hurt her. God, I never knew there was something inside me that could feel so bad !"
"I know. I don't feel good either. I feel so selfish."
"Me too. Okay, then we can tell her tomorrow, I guess. I'm going home now."
"Okay, see you later, luv."
"Bye."

I think it went pretty well. I really don't know how we're gonna tell Willow. She is so gonna hate me ! I don't want her to hate me. But I don't want her to love me either. I just want her to be a friend. But I don't think it's gonna happen now that I cheated on her. Why does everything have to be so difficult ? I mean, things were a lot easier with Dru. I loved her, she loved me, everything was just fine for years. But then comes Buffy. She's the Slayer so even if I have feelings for her, I try to kill her. Of course, I never actually kill her. But somehow, she never kills me either. So I start to get attached to her. Then Dru cheats on me with Angel. So I get this kind of reason for falling for someone else than Dru. After that, things got too difficult. There was Acathla, the truce with Buffy, when I came back to kill Angel, when I killed Dru and finally when I got this soul. Then Buffy cheated on me so I got together with Willow. But then, I cheated on Willow with Buffy and now I gotta tell Willow about this affair that I'm having and I don't even know how I'm gonna do it and...Everything is just so confusing lately. And if it's confusing for me, I can't even imagine how it is for Buffy. I mean, I never even asked how *she* was feeling. I didn't know how selfish I could be. I should ask her. Nut I can't just call her now. I've already waken her up once. And she needs to sleep. I'll ask her tomorrow.

Buffy and I were at the Bronze, waiting for Willow and Xander. Xander was nicer than when he broke up with Cordy so I couldn't blame everuthing on him anymore. Buffy thought that it would be a good idea to invite him along when we were gonna tell Willow. So that when she would get so mad at us and leave the Bronze, she won't have to leave alone.

"I really hope that things aren't gonna get out of hand."
"Stop worrying, Buffy."
"Yeah, you're right. So, are you nervous ?"
"You bet I am. Buffy, Yestersay, I realized that I've been really selfish about this. I mean, I never asked you what you were feeling or how you wanted to deal with the situation. I mean, I feel like a scum bag, how are you feeling ?"
"Confused, really confused. And I don't feel good about myself. I mean, Willow used to be my best friend. But I also feel relieved, or I will after we've told Willow about us."
"I see. Oh, here they are. Hey !"
"Hey !" Willow said, "How come you two are together ?"
"I, uh, Buffy and I took my car to get here. What about you two ?"
"I picked Willow up on my way." Xander answered, "So, how are you guys ?"
"We're just fine. Spike ?"
"What is it ?"
"Wasn't there something you wanted to tell Willow ?"
"No. I mean, yes. Willow, you're not gonna like this. God...I can't. Buffy ?"
"Coward. Willow, there's no easy way to tell this so I'm just gonna say it. Spike and I are having an affair."
Xander was so chocked, he was speechless. Willow didn't seem chocked at all.
"I knew it. I've always known."
"WHAT ?!"
Xander was even more chocked now. If I had a beating heart, I'm sure it would've stopped. I'm sure Buffy's heart stopped for a second.
"How...When...What...Huh ?"
"I can read you like an open book, Spike. I found out the time you got home after driving Buffy back to her place. I mean, it was written all over your face."
"I didn't know." Xander said, "I had absolutely no idea. Is it some kind of a chick thing ? Like a radar or something ?"
"Of course not, Xander. I just knew."
Buffy finally spoke :
"Then why didn't you say something ?"
"I wanted to see if you were gonna tell me or just let me walk in on you. I'm glad you decided to tell me. I guess you chose to stay with Buffy, huh ?"
"Yes, I chose Buffy. I'm sorry, Willow. I never meant to hurt you. It's just that... I was a selfish bastard and I'm really sorry about it."
"And I was a selfish bitch and I'm really sorry too. But you don't seem upset at all. How come ?"
" 'Cuz I knew it was gonna happen. I knew Spike cared about me but you're the one he truly loves, Buffy. And I can't believe you let him get away once. But now that you've got him back, don't make the same mistake again."
"Willow, I..."
"Don't worry, Spike. I'll be all right."
"But I...Willow, where are you going ?"
"Home. Can you drive me, Xander ?"
"Sure. I...This is so confusing."

After Willow and Xander went home, Buffy and I stayed at the Bronze for a little while and then decided to go home as well. I was still chocked over Willow's reaction. How could she have known ? Anyway, Buffy and I can be happy now. I still feel bad, but that's just my soul.
So, that's my story about how I got my soul. What do you think about it ?

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

BACK TO MAIN PAGE