When I woke up, I felt like there was something inside my head that was trying to get through my skull from the inside. I tryed to get out of the bed without waking Willow up but she was already awake.

"Hey."
"Hey. How are you feeling ?"
"Like Hell. Maybe I would feel better if you closed those curtains over there."
"..."
"Sunlight isn't my best friend."
"Oh, sorry. Here you go."
"Thanks. How are you feeling then ?"
"Even worse than you I think. My mother is so gonna kill me. I can tell her that I slept at Buffy's, but she's still gonna kill me for not calling."
"Sorry about that. About last night..."
"Spike, there's something I've gotta tell you. I've been in love with you for the past two months. I never said anything to you because of Buffy but now that...,well, you know what I mean."
"Willow, I really care about you and I can't say I've never thought about asking you out if things didn't work out with Buffy. As you know, things didn't work out, but I'm still in love with her. I would never put you thru what I had to got thru while I was with Buffy. You don't how it is to be with somebody when you're not sure if it's you they're thinking about. When you know that they're in love with someone else."
"Spike I...I can try. We can try together."
"I don't know, maybe you're right. I do have feelings for you, and after what happend last night...But what if Buffy hates me for being with you ?"
"What do you mean ?"
"My soul. The only way I can loose it is if Buffy hates me. I don't think that she'll be very please when she finds out that I slept with you on her birthday."
"But you said it yourself, it was over between you and her. Technically, you had the right to do whatever you wanted to."
"Buffy doesn't think technically. If she was, do you really think she would be in love with a vampire ?"
"I know but...I don't wanna be with you in secret. Things like that always end up in some awful kinda way."
"Yeah, I know. But we don't have to keep it secret forever and ever. We can just lay low for a while and just pretend like we're not seeing each other. But we still flirt and stuff. And maybe after one or two weeks, we can go on our 'first date'. D'you know what I mean ?"
"Uh, sort of ? What you're saying is that, we see each other in secret for about two weeks, and after that, we pretend like we're just starting to date. Is that it ?"
"Yeah. So ?"
"Why not ?"
"Okay, then you should go to school. You know, show up, pretend everything's normal. Are you still mad at Buffy ?"
"You bet I am !"
"Then be mad at her. Okay, go now. Remember to stop by your house to change clothes. If Buffy asks you, I just dropped you off last night. I'll see you here after sundown. See you later."
"After sundown. Bye."

So, I'm seeing Willow now. And I'm still in love with Buffy. I wonder if I'm doomed to love her until I die, like Angel. I hope not. I really hope that she won't hate me. I like my soul. Or maybe I could find this curse to make human again. Nah, I'd rather be immortal. But I'd like to be able to get out in daylight, to be able to have some sort of imitation of a normal life. I could ask Willow if she can find a spell that does those things. Now, what can I do today ? Let's see what's on TV.

Willow should be here any minute now. I really wanna try to make it work between me and her. She's so sweet. And she's smart too. Oh, here she is.
"Hey. How was your day, pet ?"
"Horrible. Well, not for me, for Buffy. Yesterday, she did go to the library after we found her. She told the Gang about what happened, and they totally deserted her. Even Xander !"
"Xander too ?! He doesn't hate me that much, after all. So, what happened ?"
"Well, when she got to school today, no one was talking to her. She looked really sad. I guess the fact that all her friends were on your side kinda suprised her. I almost went to talk to her but I remembered the look on your face when you saw her kissing Angel."
"Thank you, ducks. You didn't tell anybody about last night ?"
"No, of course not. They all think that I'm at a family dinner right now. Are we going to the Bronze tonight ? Or we could go back to those clubs we went to last night !"
"Don't think so, ducks. What if your friends are at the Bronze ?"
"Oh. Right. Then we can just stay here. How long do we have to go on like this ?"
"At least two weeks. Do you know where Buffy is ?"
"No, but she's either patroling or with Angel."
"I think I should go talk to her. About what happened. Maybe we can still be friends. Do you mind if I do ?"
"No, just go ahead. Do you want me to come with you ?"
"Now, that wouldn't seem suspicious !"
"Right. God, I hate this !"
"I'm going now. Are you staying tonight ?"
"Yes, my Mom thinks I'm at Buffy's."
"Okay, I won't be long then. See you later."

Now I've gotta find Buffy. I won't go to Angel's place if she's not at the cemetery. Oh, here she is. Maybe I should go over there give her a hand with that vampire. Yeah, I should and I am.

"Spike ? What are you doing ?"
"Shut up and take out your stake."
"What the..."
"Stake him. Now !"
"Thank you for helping me. What are you doing here ?"
"I wanna talk to you."
"So do I. About last night, I wanna apologize. What I did was wrong but I really don't think that we should break up."
"I think we should. Buffy, what you did to me was more than wrong. It was...horrible, cruel, awful, lower than low..."
"I get the point. But I love you. And I know you love me too."
"Of course I love you ! I try not to, but I can't stop ! I felt like something died in me when I saw you kissing Angel. Well, not that there was anything alive in me but you get the point."
"But Spike...I don't want you to leave me. I..."
"No, Buffy, please, don't start to cry. I hate to see you cry."
"You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over. We were happy together."
"No, Buffy. We weren't. You were always thinking about Angel and I was always wondering when you were gonna leave me."
"You were ? Spike, I had no idea. I didn't know I was hurting you so much."
"Well, now you know. I...I have to go home now. Good-bye."
"Wait !"
"What ?"
"I don't know, I just don't want us to be apart."
"We can still be friends."
"Friends ? How can you be so cruel ?"
"I don't know, Buffy. Do whatever you want. I'm going home."

Now that was awful. I can't stand seeing her like that. She looked really hurt. Not that I was having the time of my life either but I don't get it. If she loves me as much as she says she does, why did she cheat on me ? Anyway, I don't wanna think about her. I wanna think about Willow. She's the one I should worry about. She's the one that cares about me. I gotta go home and see her. I still don't get it, how come, even if she knows I still love Buffy, Willow is willing to try to make our relation ship work ? Sometimes, I wish I could just forget all about Buffy and only care about Willow. But that's unfortunatelyy impossible. For the moment, at least.

When I got home, Willow had already fallen asleep on the couch. I didn't want her to wake up in the middle of the night so I just turned of the TV. I don't know how, but she woke up.

"Spike ?"
"I'm here, pet. Did I wake you ?"
"Yes."
"Sorry about that. And sorry for taking so much time."
"Oh, how did it go ?"
"Not so well. There was a lot of crying. Buffy really didn't want us to break up."
"Oh. Do you ?"
"Wanna break up ? I guess, yeah. I mean...Yeah. Yeah. I wanna break up with her. I wanna be with you."
"I'm glad you do. So she was pretty sad. That's...That's sad."
"I guess it is. I mean, I wasn't happy either but...you know."
"I know. So ?"
"So ?"
"Uh, I'm pretty tired and I'd like to get some sleep. So, if we could just go to sleep."
"Oh, right. Let's go to sleep. I'm tired too."
"But if you sleep now, you won't be able to sleep during tomorrow. And if you don't sleep tomorrow, you won't be able to get thru tomorrow night."
"I can't believe how much you care about me. You know what ? You're simply wonderful ! I don't deserve you."
"Sure you do. But what *I* deserve right is some sleep. I'm just gonna crash in your bed. You stay right here and do whatever you do during the night."
"Allright. Sweet dreams."
"Good-night."

One month later

I was just sitting at home, watching TV, when the phone rang.
"Hello."
"Spike ?"
"Buffy. How are you doing ?"
"I'm fine. What about you ?"
"I'm fine. What do you want ?"
"Nothing. I just...It's been a long time since we talked."
"It's been a two weeks."
"I wanted to say that it's great that you and Willow are seeing each other. She's so sweet and smart and funny and perfect for you."
"I know that. That's why I'm seeing her. How are thngs between you and Angel, by the way ?"
"Well, he and I cannot be together. So, nothing happened since the kiss."
"Oh. Sorry about that. Willow and I are going to the Bronze later, do you wanna come ?"
"I...No, I don't think so. I would feel like the fifth weel or something."
"No, you wouldn't. Why don't you take Xander with you ? I mean, it's not like he's been out a lot since his break-up with Cordelia."
"You know what ? You're right. I'm gonna call him. I'll call you back when I when I know. Bye."

I wonder why she called me. It's not like we've been bestest friends of all time since our break-up. Maybe she wants us to be friends. I don't think that it's such a good idea. I mean, I've finally gotten over her. And I'm in love with Willow now. At least I think I am. I don't mind going to the Bronze with Buffy but I feel like things are...I don't know difficult between me and her. I mean, we used to talk for hours but now we can't stand five minutes together alone. God, I hate this !

Willow and I arrived to the Bronze at about 10 p.m. Buffy and Xander were already there. Xander doesn't hate me as much as he used to. I found out when Bufy and I broke up. He was on my side. Since then, he and I have been sort of friends. I haven't seen Angel since the break-up and I don't wanna see him either.

"Hi guys ! How are you ?"
"Hey. We're fine, aren't we, Willow ?"
"Sure, we're fine. What about you, Xander ? How are you feeling ?"
"I'm good. Don't worry about me. So, Spike, it must be kinda strange to be here. You know, the ex girlfriend and the new one at the same table. The worst part is that they are best friends."
"It's not strange." I answered, "It's...different."
"What about you, Buffy ? How do you feel about this ?"
"You know what, Xander ?" Buffy said, "It's not because your life's miserable that you have to make everyone else's miserable too."
"Now, let's overreact, shall we ? My life isn't miserable and I'm not trying to make anyone's life miserable. I was just having a little fun."
"It's not fun !" Willow said, "What is it with you ? God, breaking up is not a thing that you should do that often. Spike, I'm going home. I'll call you later."
"Now look what you've done !" I said, "I'm leaving too. Buffy ?"
"So am I."
"Need a ride ?"
"Actually, yes."

I could've killed Xander. The jerk made Willow go. And I have to give a ride to Buffy. At least she and I can talk things thru.

"I can't understand why Xander would do what he just did."
"He's jealous. He can't stand seeing me with Willow."
"You've got a point. He was really in love with her. I guess you are too."
"Yes, I am. Buffy, you've probably noticed that we haven't been the bestest friends since your birthday."
"Yeah, I know. We need to talk things thru."
"Exactly. What do you wanna talk about ?"
"You and Willow. Is it to hurt me ?"
"What ?!"
"I mean, she's my best friend, Angel was your best friend. Is it to hurt me ?"
"Of course not ! And you know why ? 'Cuz *I* would never do that to you !"
"Okay, sorry. Another thing, are you still in love with me ?"
"No."
"Look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."
Now she's got me. I can't do it. I still love her.
"I can't. I still love you."
"Then why are you with Willow and not with me ?"
"Because Willow cares about me. She knew that I still loved you but she did everything for our relationship to work. And she loves me. And she would never cheat on me."
"Do you always need to bring that up ? I admit it, I cheated on you. You were like devoted to me and I cheated on you. I still feel bad about it, I feel real bad. It was on of the biggest mistakes of my life. But I love you. And you love me. Why can't we just be together ?"
"'Cuz we can't, that's it. You hurt me, Buffy. I don't ever wanna feel like that again. Anyway, here's your house. Thanks for a lovely evening, now I gotta find Willow."
"Spike, stop doing that ! What's wrong with you ? This whole situation is ridiculous. We love each other but we can't be together ?"
"It's not that we can't be with together. It's just that I don't wanna get hurt again. I don't wanna hurt Willow either."
"You said it yourself, she knew you were still in love with me. Maybe she'll be happy for you."
"Yeah, if she'll be happy for me then I'll be breathing. Look, it ain't gonna happen. If you and I get together, Willow will hate both of us. Before we got together, she and I were great friends. If she and I break up, I'll loose both my friend and my girlfriend. And you'll loose your best friend."
"Don't think so. Things between me and her have been really... different for a while. And anyway...Kiss me."

So I kissed her. But I realized then that it was a huge mistake so I just drove home. Willow was there when I arrived. I felt so bad when I saw her.

To Be Continued


What Happened After The Kiss

Part One

Part Two

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