Page 1859

To: All Who Dare Cross D.A.N.G.E.R.

Re: Evilution by Natural Selection

There has been some debate in recent years as to whether or not the theory of evolution by natural selection should be taught in public schools, sometimes along with so-called creation science. We thought it would be helpful to explain to the parents of children in Michael Selby Elementary and Schmick High Schools our position, here at D.A.N.G.E.R., to the theory of evolution.

First off, we do not teach "creation science." As Groucho Marx once said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." We couldn't agree more, although we do not fully understand what mass he was talking about. We think he meant kilogram, although any other mass could easily be converted, which is the beauty of the metric system. We are fairly certain that he did not mean pound, as that is a force, not a mass.

So you may be saying to yourself right now, "Then that means that you there at D.A.N.G.E.R. are nothing more than godless Darwinian heathens bent on world domination." The answer to that, even though it is not a question, is yes and no. Yes, we are godless Darwinians bent on world domination. No, we are not heathens, we are more of barbarians, there is a world of difference. Frankly, evolution fits our world (domination) view. If we did not believe in evolution, we would believe that the world is static, and therefor we would believe that the most fit (i.e., D.A.N.G.E.R.) would not outcompete the less fit organizations (i.e., f.e.a.r.) to rule the world.

But, we are not strict Darwinians. Far from it. We have our own theory of the descent and modification of species. We call it the theory of Evilution. You see, Darwin had the right idea. At least he was pointed in the right direction, but his intentions were misplaced in a few areas. The survival of the fittest idea was perfect if you make one conjecture. That is that the fittest is always the evilist. Darwin's theory was based on five facts and three inferences from those facts.

Fact 1: a species has the potential to produce more than can survive; quite evil.
Fact 2: Relative statis of natural populations (could you get any more evil?).
Fact 3: There is a finite amount of resources. Stop me if I'm wrong, but so far, very, very evil.

Inference from first three facts: There is a struggle for existence among individuals. From this struggle, the most evil survive.

Fact 4: each individual is unique (uniquely evil).
Fact 5: Offspring resemble their parents (the heritabililty of evilness).

Second inference: there is differential survival, i.e., natural selection. According to our theory, natural selection would favor only the most evil. I am confident that this will be shown in field studies.

Finally, the third inference, changes through many generations leads to evilution. The theory's beauty lies in its simplicity. It is clearly shown how the most evil form is favored, and how that would lead to changes in generations. Yes, the evil shall inherit the Earth. I, for one, cannot wait. Long live Schmick!

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