November 1997

Michael Selby

Agent 3.14,

I smell something stinky, and it smells like SWANC. Pee-you! If you think that you smelly super secret agents can take over the world, then I have news for you. You are sadly mistaken. Your superior looks are no match for our master intellects. With Dr. E working in the lab around the clock, creating new Super Weapons, neither SWANC nor the world can stop us.

It's barbeque season here at D.A.N.G.E.R. Who wants ribs?

So Agent 3.14, if that is your real name, you at SWANC will cower in fear when you see the terrors that Dr. E has created. Oh! You think you won't, but you will. Oh, yes you will. Will will will. And let me close by saying that you'll be sorry for ever crossing us when you die a horrible, grisly bad bad bad death.

With love,
Michael Selby
Viceroy of All Known Orbital Bodies Outside of Earth's Sphere

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Agent 3.14

Dear Sir:

Your "organization", D.A.N.G.E.R., poses no immediate threat to SWANC. As a matter of fact, I was washing down some beluga with a Bollinger '78 when I rolled over and asked General Mills, "have you heard of D.A.N.G.E.R.?" After clearing up that I wasn't actually referring to his middle name, he replied that he had, and "D.A.N.G.E.R. is exactly what it doesn't represent."

I am told Canada is still a free nation, so you must be having trouble seeing your plans to fruition. The members of SWANC don't find this particularly surprising. You claim to have implements of mass destruction. Well, your "Superweapon of the Month" has done little more than force our agent, Biggus Dikus, to get a certain tattoo removed. You will need more than that to get the men and women of SWANC to take you seriously.

To sum up, to the people of D.A.N.G.E.R.... pthhhhhtht. We at SWANC thumb our noses at you, bite our thumbs at you, and kindly request that you bend over so we can shove our thumbs up your asses. Barring the fact that for most of you that will probably have the same effect as a frontal lobotomy, I look forward to our next point / counter point.

Sincerely,
Agent 3.14

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Special Guest: Agent Special K

D.A.N.G.E.R.:

I scoff at your inability to carry out a mission in secret. I'll have you know, that I, super secret agent Special K, have got the skinny on your last four undercover missions in the great white north. Your super-duper-weapon project, code name "Vancouver"; the attempt to unseat the local government of Kikwatsau Manitoba, the failed submarine expidition across Hudson Bay, and especially your attempt to DRIVE to Prince Edward Island, have left me both laughing and thinking how nice it is to work for a formidable organization like S.W.A.N.K. You will here more from me... I am watching you, and I warn you that I have very nice figure. I'm off now, my women await; General Mills has recruited a new flavor of Trix (it's not just for kids.)

~~~~~ Special K~~~~~

Michael Selby

Ooo, SWANC is watching! I'm trembling in my boots. For the record, we did not fail to unseat the government of Kikwatsau (comma) Manitoba, we are the government of Kitwatsau, Manitoba. We have hundreds of submarines in Hudson bay, and not one has been lost or destroyed. Okay, it was kind of silly to drive to PEI, but that is not the point. The point is that we here at D.A.N.G.E.R. have done a lot more than we have been given credit for. And after a while that starts to hurt.

We also take pride here at D.A.N.G.E.R. in the fact that we know how to spell the name of our organization.

Schmick said that I can have more pie when I'm done.

In conlusion, I hope that I do hear from you agian, super duper secret agent Special K, if that is your real name, because I can always use a good laugh.

With love,
Michael Selby

Special Guest: General Mills

Members of D.A.N.G.E.R.,

It has come to our attention that your propaganda-incited website has been remodeled. Though as impressive the new combination of lush graphics and licentious comments is, it is still no match for the talents of our graphic design team here at SWANC. Through the employment of a majority of the SWANC petty cash, a room at the local Hilton, and Agent 3.14's free weekend we were able to procure the services indefinitely of Jim Henson inc. With services the likes of Miss Piggy's in, The Great Muppet Caper, at our beck and call 24 hours a day... be prepared.

Look for SWANC to be turning up the heat on D.A.N.G.E.R. We've been watching you, gathering information to make our strike. You won't know when or where, but we'll be there. Even I, the group's fearless leader General Mills, will be on the battlefield, DICK in hand ready to personally take on any of you that come my way.

Sincerely,
General Mills

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