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This represents some of the corners of my mind and some of the things that interest me.
Here I offer my theory that Dorothy Gale of "The Wizard of Oz" was a cold blooded murderer. Dorothy Page
The best joke ever
A horse walks into a bar and takes a seat.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A woman walked in to the vet with a dog. She put it on the table an explained that it was unresponsive. The vet examined and said, "I'm sorry lady, but this dog is dead." She exclaimed that it couldn't be. This dog had been her companion for 15 years and couldn't be dead. "You have to do something." She demanded. He told her to wait a minute while he went to the back room. He emerged with a cage and in it was a cat. He set it on the table and opened the cage door. The cat stepped out and sniffed the dog and pawed at it for a few minutes, then returned to its cage. The vet set the cage on the floor and said, "I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no doubt that this dog is a dead dog."
She returned to the secretary and was handed the bill. Upon reading it she exclaimed, "530 dollars! How in the world do you get that figure?" The receptionist replied, "That is 30 dollars for the visit and 500 for the cat scan."
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? (singing) Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? Your eyes would be big too if you saw his phone bill!
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news for you. I have checked this result with several of my collegues and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for the remainer of the day trying to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth.
When the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says "SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with thingy's a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"
TEXAS DONKEY RACING
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church. upon being told there was
a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and
enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going prices
were so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well enter it in the races. The donkey came
in third.
The next day, the Daily Racing Form carried the headline....
"Preacher's Ass Shows"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again the next day, and this time, the donkey won. The Racing
Form read:
"Preacher's Ass Out In Front"
The Bishop was so upset with the publicity that he ordered the preacher
not to enter the donkey in another race--well this brought the headline
the next day to read.....
"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"
This was to much for the Bishop! He ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent--The
next day the paper read.....
"Nun Has Best Ass In Town"
The Bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey. Finally, she found a buyer willing to buy the animal for
$10.00. The paper wrote this the next day:
"Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day. On the following morning the paper
had written the headline.....
"To Much Ass Responsible For Bishop's Death"
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
VULGAR LANGUAGE IN THE OFFICE
It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive and refined
workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express his feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and implement these phrases so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue uninterrupted.
When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discuss golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"
He thinks to tell the truth is the only way to go. So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what why did you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy! What are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through." My mother had morning sickness *after* I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different: When I answer the door, the kids hand *me* candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him , "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right, you're ugly, too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face , turned me over, and said, "Look! Twins!"
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I don't get no respect. The other day my tie caught on fire and my wife tried to put it out with an axe.
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her butt in it!"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my butt."
A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Her eyes filled with admiration for his statuesque physique, she shakes her head yes. As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this."
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what is their names?". The man giving the lady an angry look replied ' I don't know."
The lady asked again '" which is a boy and which is a girl". The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know " The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
Between the age of 16 and 18, she is like Africa , virgin and unexplored;
Between the age of 19 and 35, she is like Asia , hot and exotic;
Between the age of 36 and 45, she is like America , fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful and free with her resources;
Between the age of 46 and 56 she is like Europe , exhausted but still has points of interest;
After 56 she is like Australia , every body knows it is down there but who gives a damn!
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.
He decided to something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.
Just then two old ladies were strolling along the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move and tickle it , with her cane. Then she remarked to her companion:
"There is no justice in this world." The other old lady asked, "Why do you say that?"
The lady with the cane said:
"Well, When I was 20 I was curios about it
When I was 30 I enjoyed it
When I was 40 I asked for it
When I was 50 I paid for it
When I was 60 I prayed for it
When I was 70 I forgot about it
And now that I am 80 the damn things are growing in the sand
and I am too old to squat"
Bill, Bob and Bernie are discussing their wives' christmas presents. "This year I'm buying my wife a necklace and scarf. That way if she doesn't like the necklace she can cover it with the scarf," says Bill. Bob says , "I'm getting mine a ring and a pair of gloves. So if she doesn't like the ring she can cover it with the gloves." Bernie says ,"I'm buying mine a hat and a dildo. If she doesn't like the hat she can go and f*** herself."
A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he said "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you." She said "you can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun...I have heard just about everything."
The cabby said, "Well, I've always had this fantasy to have a nun
give me a blow job." She said "Well, let's see what we can work out.
1.You have to be single, and
2...You have to be Catholic."
The cab driver said "Oh, I am single and I am Catholic!" She said
"O.K. Pull into an alley." and he did.
She did her thing and they were on the street again and the cabby started to cry and she said "My child, what is the matter?" He said, Sister, I have sinned. I lied! I am married and I'm Jewish!!! She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I am on my way to a Halloween costume party."
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to cliean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very catiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presense of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object oriented".
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resouce allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous, that he could hardly speak. After a mass ,he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied- " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous , I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on his door-
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping way at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death-we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!!!!!"
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment". Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my carrots !
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being rescued.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what a woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?"
The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well, for Lord's sake!" responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"
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