Josh stood in the balcony doorway looking down at the food spilled across the floor. As moonlight began to slant across the balcony, he bent over and righted the cart. Sighing, he walked over to the railing, and leaned over it. Just hours before, he and James were at this very spot.  He could still feel James's body pressed against his back, and his arms around his waist. How did things go so bad so fast? In his mind, he couldn't connect the man he knew as James with the voice he knew as Lance, but he knew that they were the same person. Two very different sides of the same man. Why hadn't James told him sooner? Why had let that last call occur? After that call with Justin, he had felt sick. Now he knew that James was there, and let Justin say those things. He almost wished he had never met James. Then he wouldn't feel this pain. He wouldn't feel as if his heart was being ripped from his chest. He hadn't known James long, but the green-eyed man had found his way into his heart. He had fallen for him, and now that was lost. Even if he could get past the secrets and lies, he knew that James would never forgive him for the way he had thrown him out. This weekend was supposed to be the start of something. Instead, it turned out to be the end.  Now he was back to where he had started. Alone. He had lost the one thing he wanted most in life. Someone to love, and who would love him in return. Why couldn't have James told him when he first figured it out? Maybe then they would have laughed it off. By doing it this way, James had cheapened the day they had shared. Josh shivered as a light breeze came off the ocean. He turned his back to the ocean and walked back into the room. sitting on the bed, he let his gaze travel over the sheets. Only hours before, he had been here happily, and now he couldn't even bear the thought in sleeping in the bed alone. Standing up, he walked over to the small couch that lined one wall of the room, and laid down on his side. He felt the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He wanted to take back the words he had said to James. By the look on James' face, he knew he was sorry. He wasn't the type of person to intentionally hurt someone. He wondered where he had gone. He was five hours from the city, and he had no way to get back. "Damn it," Josh mumbled as he sat up. He couldn't just leave James like that. He was from Mississippi. He was even afraid to walk in Central Park at night. Grabbing his jacket, he picked up his room key, and left the room. As he walked by the car, he stopped. Shaking his head, he continued on foot. James couldn't have gone far. Turning towards the beach, he stuffed his hands in his pockets, and begin walking. There was an awful chill creeping over James as he lay there, unsure. His mind ached with a thousand ‘what if’s’ and he couldn’t for the life of him create an answer -- a solid reply to the endless questions. Doubting himself. Doubting what he thought he had with Josh. He sniffled loudly, and sat up a bit, resting his weight on his arms which spread behind him. The dazzling glow of the moon was cheerful, screaming it’s tale of love over the ocean. What had comforted him in previous nights was now mocking him. “James?” The call surrounded him like a blanket, a sweeping voice that meant so much to him. Even if the tones were shaky, and unsure, and still laced with a bit of anger -- or maybe that was resentment. James twisted his head to stare at the figure walking slowly toward him. His throat constricted with sentiment. The man coming toward him was Josh -- the first man he’d allowed into his heart. It was easy to sit there while Josh tread through the sand, to just stare into him like some mirage. He knew once Josh was closer the hurt might fly again, the words he couldn’t hear. The why’s that had no reply and the anguish that would cause daggers to stab deeper. So he wiped at his cheeks, hoping to etch some of the tear stain from them, and he sighed, hoping to keep a steady heart. “You’re all wet,” Josh said, as he came closer. The blue of the moon wandered over James, illuminating him -- taking Josh’s breath from him. The sight was like a poem -- a heart-breaking work of poetry that could cause a thousand tears. And his heart did sink as he stared at the man he’d held so gently in his arms. Because that was what he’d wanted -- needed to be whole. “You should have told me,” Josh said quietly, keeping his distance, fighting his body not to dive into the sand with James and kiss away the obvious tears that had been in his eyes. “I might have understood.” James snorted and scooped up a handful of wet sand. “Yeah? You would have understood that I’m nothing more than a foul-mouthed whore for sale?” He licked his lips as they trembled and tried to grasp onto some shred of dignity -- realizing he was failing miserably. His self-esteem was shattered, along with his heart. “Jesus, Josh,” he said as he chucked the sand into the water. “I don’t know if this means a damn thing, but I fell in love with you.” Sad jade eyes twisted up to face the source of pain. “I don’t love easily, Josh.” It was perhaps the most painful confession Josh had ever heard -- ever felt. It tore open his soul without thought, and settled tearfully in his heart. He was at a loss for words, for emotions. Numb with grief at what might have been. James saw the tumultuous stare that seemed to release from Josh’s face, that look of  instability. “I know that’s no excuse,” he said, shaking his head. “I fucking know I really screwed this all up. Majorly.” It’s not that, Josh wanted to scream. He wanted to fall to his knees and cup James’ face, stare into those eternally desirous eyes and *show* him exactly how he regretted the harsh words he’d spoken. How sorry he was that it had to be this way -- how his brain worked, unforgivingly. How he wished he had a crystal ball so he could show James how hard it would be for him in the future for them if they continued this ride of a relationship. Destructive was a good term. Fights -- jealousy. All of it. Josh knew himself better than anyone. He knew he was a grudge holder, and to destroy that simplicity in James’ eyes over and over again due to a miscalculation on his part -- it just wasn’t worth it. Not at all. “A lie is a lie,” Josh choked out. “But I’m heading back to the city. If you want to catch a ride.” James felt the finality slam into his chest like a truck, rolling over his body deliberately. He nodded, not relishing having to call Justin to come haul his ass out of this monstrous mess he’d made, and stood up. He refused to cry anymore, having given all he had. Explanations didn’t work. Reveling his heart didn’t work. So he shoved his hands deeply into his pocket and lowered his head -- and followed Josh’s tracks heading back toward the hotel. Josh could feel the connection prickling between them even as the fight raged angrily about. Even as he knew, deep down, that he should just try to forgive and forget the whole thing. After all, he tried to tell himself, it was one itty bitty lie. And one tiny cover up. That didn’t mean their whole relationship would be like that. Did it? He shook his head in confusion and picked up his pace, stepping around the bag James had abandoned in the sand. Taking the dune with giant strides to avoid feeling the pain burning off James any further. “Josh?” James had a hard time spitting the name from his lips, but with Josh’s pace so swift, so infuriated, he knew he couldn’t travel all the way back to the city with him like that. It would just kill him to sit in that car -- have the air thick with silence. “What?” Josh turned his head, and James blinked at the shadowy figure standing defensively against the outline of the hotel. “I’ll catch a ...” His voice wavered and he cleared his throat. “A ride. Ya know. Back. Don’t ah, don’t worry about it.” James stood solid and forced his body not to shake in the night air. So shattered. Just overwhelmed. “Don’t be silly,” Josh said. “It’s no biggie. I dragged out here. I’ll bring you on back.” “No thanks,” James said timidly. “I’d rather not ... ah .. you know. Put us through that. I mean, it’s hard enough. And. It’s okay. I’ll get a ride.” Josh set his jaw defiantly. Aggravation bubbling inside of him. “Who the fuck is gonna come get you James? Five fucking hours away. I’ll take you back.” James looked up and while he couldn’t see the anger, he could hear it. “Fine,” he conceded softly. “Okay.” Josh sighed and said nothing more, just walked over the dune and back into the room. Where fresh memories slapped him. Where emotions crashed into him. Where he couldn’t find enough air to breath. Where he faced the very real fact *he* could be the one that was wrong. After all, how could what they shared be deleted by one unthinking moment? He sank down on the bed and arched into the pillow, still thick with James’ shampoo scent. Inhaling deeply, he felt his stomach bend with the feel of love-making, and he wondered why he was so damn stubborn. James wandered into the room and saw Josh curled up. He stood against the wall and wondered what he could say -- what he should say. Debating on moving over there and trying to hug him. Or explain *again* just why he’d kept so quiet. He never felt like such a little boy -- not since the first day he landed in New York City from Mississippi to pursue his dreams of acting. Lost. Alone. Afraid. But he sensed the reluctance of Josh to forgive, so he exited the room quietly and shut the door, giving him the privacy he obviously needed. The door snapped, and Josh growled. So mixed up. So achy from the sting. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling fan absently. Wondering how bad it would be to just try to let it all go, to trust in James. Try not to make demands. He knew if it was to work, James would have to give up his job which led to an entirely new set of problems. Too much information swirled in his head. No, he couldn't get involved with James. Not with so much hanging. Bad note to start out on -- lying. With someone who gets guys off for a living. No. James was not for him. Miserable, he stood up and gathered his belongings. One final glance at the paradise that failed and he walked out of the room. “Ready?” he said evenly as James looked up at him with a forlorn look. He had to remove his eyes for fear of breaking down. “Mm hmm,” James said, falling into his place behind Josh -- walking silently out of the quaint little inn and slipping into the car once more. The moon arched over them as the car roared down the driveway, searching for the highway home. Two men desperately aching to amend. Neither knowing how. MTW 8 MENU MTW 10