The silence in the car on the way back to the city was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Josh kept wanting to say something, but his anger and hurt prevented him from opening his mouth to speak. When he pulled in front of James' apartment building just past one am, he stopped the car and turned towards James. "Here we are." James sighed. "Yeah. Thanks for the ride back in. I guess I'll see you around." James stepped out of the car slinging his bag over his shoulder. Josh wanted to reach out and stop him, but didn't. Instead he drove away quickly speeding the distance back to his apartment. When he reached his home, he finally let the tears that had been threatening all through the drive back finally fall. That night he dreamt of a future lost. Over the next month, Josh buried himself in his work. It was the only way he knew to keep his mind off the love he lost. He worked at his office till all hours of the night. He even avoided Chris cause he knew that he would mention what happened between him and James. One night as he sat watching television drinking a glass of wine, the phone rang. He almost didn't answer it, but on the third ring he picked up. "Hello," he mumbled. "Hey, stranger. How ya doing?" Josh groaned. He should have let the phone ring. "Hey, Chris. I'm doing shitty." Chris sighed. "Probably don't want to hear this, but so is James. He told me what happened." "So you know he was the guy that I talked to." "Yeah. Listen, Josh. He quit that job. He just couldn't do it anymore knowing it was what caused the problems between you two." "Yeah. Well, if he would have told me sooner, I might have been okay. Chalked it up to it being a small world, you know." "Do you still love him, Josh?" Josh took a sip of his wine, as he glanced out the window. "Yeah, I do. I think I loved him more than I even loved Joe." "Then why don't you call him. Talk to him. I know he misses you like crazy, Josh." "I'll think about it." "Well, anyway, there was another why I called. I've got these tickets to this play, and thought you would like to come with me. Get out of the house for a night." "Chris, I don't know." "Come on. It'll be fun. Might meet some cute actor, you know." "I already did, Chris." "Well, yeah, but come on. I don't want to go alone to this thing." "Fine. I'll go, but drinks are on you." "Got it. I'll meet you at the bar tomorrow at six." The next night Josh walked into the bar and sat at his usual bar stool. He remembered the last time he had been in there was the night Chris had set him up with James. He was already on his second drink by the time Chris showed up. "Man you look like shit." Josh laughed. "Thanks for the compliment." Chris motioned towards the door. "Let's go. We don't want to be late." Shrugging his shoulders, Josh stood up while Chris paid off the tab. Chris drove them to a small playhouse, and parked the car. "Josh, don't get mad. I sort of lied to you." Josh groaned. "Chris, what did you do?" "Set you up again." "Chris, I just told you I was still in love with James. How stupid can you get?" Josh stepped out of the car running his fingers through his hair. "I'm still in love with you, too, Josh," James whispered as he stepped away from the shadows next to the building. Josh whipped his head between James and Chris in shock that James was even talking to him. That he was standing here saying that he still loved him was almost too much for him. Chris whooped before he jumped back into his car. "My job is done again, boys. Have fun." Josh looked down at the ground kicking a rock near his foot. Sighing, he looked up, "James, I..." James laughed, that low rumble that he hadn’t been able to let out since Josh found out he was Lance. “You’re at a loss for words maybe?” Josh felt his throat tighten with a rush of emotions he hadn’t been prepared to feel. It was a trick, he snorted, but as the streetlight illuminated James, he didn’t care. He was ashamed in so many ways -- in how he let James go unfairly. How he denied his heart all the while *he’d* been the one dialing phone sex. And he was willing, he realized, so fucking willing to do anything to have James back in his arms. Seeing him standing there was just punctuating that fact. “I was wrong,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. James licked his lips and forced himself to breath, to make air move in and out of his lungs because no matter how hard he thought facing Josh might be -- it proved to be so much more brutal. To look into those eyes and face, and see the hesitation that was there because of him. Because he had lied.  He raked his fingers through his short hair and sighed. “You were wrong?” he queried. “About?” “Oh God,” Josh crumbled, forcing his gaze upward. “About this. About you. About me. All of it!” The words licked at James’ wounds, salting them unmercifully. He’d been wrong to come, he knew that now. A crushing blow that landed square on his chest. “I’m sorry,” he garbled, stepping back. His body trembled as he looked toward the street, hoping a cab would come by quickly and save him from any further anguish. He tripped over his feet trying to get by, trying not to shed any tears, wishing he’d chosen to stay home and get drunk. As he dashed by, Josh grabbed his elbow roughly. “Jesus, James. God! No!” He yanked at the man who was struggling valiantly beneath his touch. “James, no. Not like that.” But James couldn’t hear what Josh was saying, and he pulled free, stumbling away. Josh grimaced as he reached out again, pained that his words weren’t being heard -- that his message was drifting toward ears that didn’t listen. He caught the back of James’ shirt and heaved him back into his arms, grabbing him from behind. “James, I love you and *I* made the mistake by letting you go.” His voice shook  unsteadily, laying ground for apologies he wanted to say --  needed to have heard. Message received -- on some level. Josh’s voice slipped into James’ ear, and he stopped fighting, drifting back against the strong chest that flushed his back. Words he’d been hoping desperately to hear. Words he thought would never come. He turned in Josh’s arms and stared up at him, blinking back the tears that set in his eyes, ready to fall. “You do? You are?” “Oh God, I am,” Josh whispered, drawing James to his chest. “I was an asshole to you. Can you forgive me?” James was stunned, and resistant. Not sure. Unwilling to have his heart smashed again. Still, the apology sounded so good, like music to soothe his soul. And Josh was holding him with an intensity that sank into him. “Yes,” he said quietly, pulling back to gaze into Josh’s face. “I can forgive you. And I can forgive me too I think.” Josh’s eyes glistened with tears as he cupped James’ face, drawing it closer. There was no hesitation as his lips crushed over James’ -- in need, in want. James held Josh’s wrists, not able to focus. Swimming in the world Josh was creating. Knowing that loving him was going to be hard at times -- but rewarding in all. He barely recalled climbing into the cab and returning to Josh’s home. It was nothing more than a blur as they tripped up to the trendy apartment entangled in each others arms. And this time, when Josh lowered James to the bed, there were no secrets or hidden agendas, only pure emotion and a love that had survived the biggest ripple. Sheets tangled and hands clasped. Eyes met the soul’s desire. Bodies sweat and writhed as one. Walls collapsed as hearts united. When the blue met the green, it was one light that shone. And when their orgasms had torn away the last hint of energy, they lay entwined with breathless caresses and sleepy eyes. “I love you, James,” Josh sighed, kissing the top of his lover’s head. “And never will my stupidity, or insecurity get the best of me.” He pulled James closer and took a deep breath. “Because you are the best of me.” It was a phrase that James had ached to hear his whole life. It was a tightrope that he dared walk, knowing if he never tried, he’d never know. The view from up high was exhilarating, though. His stomach flapped as Josh wrapped him up tightly. “That was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” he whispered. Josh craned his neck up a little and smiled. “Yeah? Then I think you’ll like being with me because I plan on saying a lot of junk like that -- often.” James chuckled and snuggled down beneath the covers, ready for round two. “Then we’ll get on just fine,” he said deeply, nipping at Josh’s inner thighs. “Just fine.” Josh’s moans filled the bedroom as Lance rewarded the poetic words with the first of many affections he planned to shower  --  on his man. MTW 9 MENU