James woke up to a light breeze coming through the open balcony doors. He looked to the bed next to him, and saw that it was empty. Sitting up, he saw Josh outside leaning against the railing in only a pair of shorts. After pulling on a pair of shorts, he walked stepped out onto the balcony wrapping his arms around Josh's waist. He felt horrible now that he had slept with Josh. He should have told him first. Now they had this whole awful secret between them. Josh sighed putting his hands on James' arms. "Did I wake you, baby?" James smiled at the endearment. He shook his head as he pressed his lips to the back of Josh's neck. He could stay like this forever. Leaning his head on Josh's shoulder, he looked out over the ocean. The sun had already set a long time ago, and he could see the stars so much better here than in the city. It reminded him of home. "What you thinking about?" "Home," James whispered. "Haven't seen the stars fill the sky like this since I was back home." Josh turned in James' embrace. "You must miss it." "Yeah, but I like the city too you know. Especially since being in the city brought me to you." James kissed josh on the lips lightly. A knock on the door interrupted the moment. Josh stepped away, and walked back into the room. "I ordered room service. Hope you don't mind?" James watched as the tray was brought into the room. He had to tell Josh about what he did. It was only right. "Thanks for ordering the food," James said as he sat down on the bed with a plate. He watched as Josh poured them each a glass of wine. As he began to eat his food, he could feel it settling in the pit of his stomach. He had to force himself to chew his food because the more he ate, the more sick he felt. He should have told Josh before they made love. Now he might lose everything. He looked up and noticed Josh watching him intently. When James looked up, Josh lowered his head smiling. He had to do it now before he lost his nerve. He hated the thought of wiping that smile off Josh's face, but he knew he had to tell him. Putting his plate down, James reached for his glass. Taking a sip of wine, he put his glass down and cleared his throat. "Josh, I need to tell you something." Josh looked up at James. James looked so nervous. He set his own plate aside, and lowered his hands to his lap. "What is it?" James sighed. "I've been keeping something from you, Josh. I didn't mean to. It just happened." Thoughts ran through Josh's head. What could James have kept him from him to cause that look on his face."Whatever it is, you can tell me. It won't change anything. It won't change how much I love you." James looked down at his hands clutched tightly in his lap. "It might, Josh." Josh stood and walked over to sit next to James on the bed wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "Just tell me," he whispered. James took a deep breath, and turned towards Josh. "I'm Lance, JC." Josh dropped his arm from James' shoulders. He hadn't heard what he thought he had. James was Lance? He knew he was JC? JAMES was LANCE? Josh stood up. As he ran his fingers through his hair, he turned back to look at James. "You're Lance?" James couldn't speak, so he just nodded his head. Josh never saw this coming. Lance was supposed to be a fantasy. Not a flesh and blood person that he could touch and smell. Now that he knew who Lance was, this changed everything. He had done things with Lance on the phone he had never done with anyone.  "How long have you known I was JC?" "Since that night I stayed over." "That means that last call with Justin.. Oh my God." OH MY GOD sang sickly through Josh’s head as his temples throbbed bitterly. A lie. A big lie. Deceit. All of it just sitting in the air like the fucking plague. “I didn’t mean *not* to tell you, Josh. My God, I never meant ..” His words were cut off with a prickly glare sent straight from Josh’s heart, through his eyes -- direct hit. “Jesus,” Josh hissed lowly. “How could you even? I mean, the last phone call ... Then here ..” His words were sputtering as his mind churned, as his stomach lurched with an ill feeling. As what he thought was real collided with what he knew to be fantasy. James lowered his head as tears pressed against his eyes. He swiped at them and turned away, the ball of fire in his belly rocking angrily. There was just so much confusion and hurt coming from Josh -- it was not repairable. The delicious tingles of love making were suddenly scrubbed from his body and he felt dirty -- lower than a snake’s belly. Like trash. “I’m sorry, Josh. God, you have to know, I’ve never felt like this about someone.” His words were low, and deep, and lost in so much anguish he was unsure if he could even move. Telling the truth had garnered a far worse response than he’d imagined. Just the despondency that seeded in Josh’s eyes was disturbing enough an image to last him a lifetime. “Can I do anything?” James pleaded as his knees tried to buckle beneath him. “Anything Josh because I would never knowingly do anything to hurt this ...” “But you did,” Josh spat angrily, spinning around to face the man he’d professed love to, his eyes burning with fury. “You did hurt this -- us. You lied to me, took something I wanted to keep secret threw it at me, James.” His eyes searched the glassy jade ones before him for explanation. Something more solid than ‘I never intended to’ because that meant nothing to him. Josh clutched his stomach as he recalled the sounds of Justin on the line, describing what he was doing to Lance. Bile rose behind his tongue, and Josh wanted to faint -- to fall straight away and die into a sea of blackness where he wasn’t humiliated and ashamed -- and lied to. James was sniffling softly, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand. “I was scared, and hoping so fucking much that you weren’t JC. That this was a huge misunderstanding, and my mind was overreacting. God, Josh, I didn’t *want* it to be true.” He dared step closer, his body shivering in the cool night air. “I don’t want to be Lance. I hate Lance.” He wrapped his arms around his bare chest and shivered, his teeth chattering from the inside out. “I hate myself for doing this. I should have just said so. I shouldn’t have come this weekend. I shouldn’t have let you make love to me because it’s all sorts of fucked up now.” He shook his head as he forced himself to stare into the ocean of hurt that swayed around him. Josh was at a loss. The man before him was nothing more than a stranger -- a facade because he was Lance and James -- because he wasn’t real anymore. Flesh and blood was just the same as a distant voice for a lonely night. “Well, LANCE, I suggest you call someone and get the hell out of here. Because you’re not gonna play me anymore.” Josh was surprised at how even his tone was -- how steady and firm. It didn’t break his heart as much as he suspected it might, and while it hurt, stung like a bitch, it was expected. Somewhere deep inside him, he figured this time would come. The time of hurt. The time of betrayal, because nothing that good ever lasted long in his life. It was that cloud again -- the one that hung pitifully over his life tearing away all the good, leaving him with only the bad. He was annoyed at himself for letting James in -- annoyed for calling Lance that last time. Achy. “Josh, please,” James cried. “We should talk about this. I mean, hell yeah, I’ll go but I can’t leave things so broken!” He impelled himself forward and touched Josh’s arm lightly, just to feel the skin beneath his fingertips -- wincing when Josh flinched. He withdrew his touch as his heart sank, and he broke down further, his chest tightening with regret and so much pain. “Okay, okay. I’ll go.” He watched as Josh’s jaw set firmly and bit his lip as Josh turned from him. James stared heart brokenly at the dinner that was half eaten -- at the glasses of wine half drunk. He swallowed with trouble and wiped some tears from his cheeks. “Can I call you when you get back? On Sunday night? Maybe we can talk some more?” Josh’s fists clenches and he whirled around, pure hatred sailing from his body. “I’ll tell you what. Sunday night how about I call YOU? Hmm? I’ll get my gold card out and you can fuck me from the phone! I’ll let you be Lance and I’ll be JC because I gotta be honest ... it hurts less that way!” He saw the verbal slap ricochetted off James’ face, and cringed inwardly as it sent a new wave of tears flood that angelic face he loved so much. His lip trembled, and he almost let it all in -- all the pain. But before he could retract any words or contemplate an apology for the overly harsh outburst, James was gone, fleeing back inside the hotel room, dressing. And the door slammed unforgiving. “Mother of FUCK!” Josh screamed -- and only the loud cry of seagulls answered him. He sank down in his chair and kicked the cart of food to the balcony floor. “Shit, James, I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.” It was then, as the waves began their heartrending roar, that he sank his face into the palm of his hands -- and shook from the loss. James ran from the beautiful inn, lugging his overnight bag behind him. He dashed out over the tiny dune and headed for the ocean. The sand spit behind him as his feet dug into it, kicking it with force. He hated himself more than anything, and the curl of remorse panted sadly through him. The bag slipped from his shoulder and he released it to the sand, letting it drop with a faint thud. His legs were strong and carried him down the beach as the stars twinkled brightly, and the moon rose to guide his way. James ran until his breath was gone, and a sharp cramp struck his side, knocking the wind from him. Then he fell to the damp sand, letting his head crash into the unyielding sand. His clothes grew wet and the tide crashed in, lapping at his shoes. “Why? Why the hell did I do this?” he wailed, throwing his arm over his eyes. It was as if his life was churning endlessly and Josh had been the first real semblance of normalcy he’d found -- a true direction -- a glimmer of hope. He’d wanted to give up his night job, and he would have for Josh, for the future they could have shared. But he’d wimped out -- taken the easy route and lied in hopes of capturing that feeling forever. Depression was settling in for the long haul. He had no energy to move, no desire to get up. So he lay there, still as a stone, while the moon rose higher and higher, and the tide came closer and closer. MTW 7 Menu MTW 9