* Tigger{2}'s Standard Disclaimer *
The views expressed represent my own observations and opinions.
They are not directed at any particular individual(s).
Please don't waste your time or mine with
"your kink is not my kink " flames or personal testimonials.
If a certain style of d/s suits you, that's wonderful.
Questions and discussions of substance can be sent to:

Introduction:

Most of my remarks are directed at women newly exploring their submissiveness. (I suppose they would apply to male subs, but I couldn't say with any certainty). Lately, I have talked with several women experiencing similar problems with Doms (used here interchangeably w/ Dommes) (dishonesty and trust issues), and wrestling with more or less the same issues about their role as sub. What follows is a summary of my advice and commentary to them on how to avoid similar problems in the future.

What Is Self-Identity?

As I am using it, "self-identity" is short-hand for a strong sense of self, a backbone, a take-no-shit attitude, a certain level of confidence, a highly developed individualistic streak, and similar qualities that allow a woman to stand on her own two feet.

Naturally, for some, the whole point to being sub is to be removed from having to be in the decision-making role. However, even in such a case, self-identity is still an important quality.

Why Is Self-Identity Important?

Master Isn't Always Going To Be There.

It's wonderful to be able to say that "Master protects me." Real life being what it is, it isn't always going to be the case. He could get hit by a bus. Or leave you for another. It happens.

I have seen too many women here and in real life (my mother being one) who after years of marriage suddenly find themselves fending for themselves for the first time in a long while... or ever. The crisis of identity that occurs is not pretty.

Prevents Misunderstandings And Other Abuses Of Trust In The First Place.

Ensuring that as much honest discussion as possible occurs before the first article of clothing is removed will go a long way to preventing mistakes and misunderstandings. Doms (used here interchangably w/Dommes) are human beings, and as such, make mistakes.

Knowing and understanding your limits and needs will prevent abuses of trust. Clearly defining boundaries (even if those boundaries are to be tested and pushed) also gives you a way to build a bond of trust. The more opportunities to show you that he understands and respects your limits, the stronger that trust will be. By clearly defining the terms of engagement, you are fostering such opportunities.

How Can A Sub Exercise Her Self-Identity And Still Be Sub?

Negotiate In *Full* Before Allowing *Anything* To Happen.

Talk not only about limits, but about things within those limits. You do not need to be precise about what will happen during play - we don't have to ruin the sense of anticipation or mystery - but do discuss the parameters of types of interaction (safety concerns to be sure, but also the joys and fears of all types of play).

One comment I hear a lot from subs is "But I don't know what to ask..." Start talking...the questions will come if the discussion is honest. Start with easy questions... discuss oral sex... everyone has opinions and preferences on that. If you get stuck, ask the question "Is there anything I should be asking?" (This is actually a very telling question... pay attention to his response to this question.)

One reason for engaging in prolonged negotiations is it gives the unscrupulous or inept Doms (used here interchangably w/ Dommes) a chance to trip themselves up. It is an unfortunate reality that they exist. We would be doing ourselves a disservice if we ignored this reality. I tell subs to treat new Doms (used here interchangably w/ Dommes) like used car salesman... don't be fooled by the charm.

If It Wasn't Discussed Beforehand, Don't Let It Happen During Play.

The corollary to the previous section is that anything that wasn't discussed in negotiation should not be allowed to enter into play. This is the really tough one to enforce, because once play begins, subs tend to get swept up in emotion/arousal and their own desires to please (or to not disappoint). But if the Dom whips out a knife, and edge play wasn't discussed, make him put it back. This even goes for dildos and other "innocuous" play. (Before playing with any toys... ask its history as you would/should ask a Dom's. Make certain that if any toy has been used on another person, that it has been sterilized (chlorine bleach) and not just washed in soap and water.)

The logical extension of this is that Doms (used here interchangably w/ Dommes) should not "up the ante" during play. That is, they should never take advantage of a sub lost in headspace. Pressing such an advantage is patently unfair and (IMHO) the sign of a weak Dom. Using the headspace to test limits is one thing (if such pushing has been discussed beforehand). Using it to spring surprises on a sub is opportunistic and cowardly.

THIS APPLIES TO COLLARS. Proffering a collar is not something that should ever, ever be done during a scene. It is a serious decision that must be made while both parties are in full control of their faculties... stone cold sober. I have heard from several subs of "Masters" who offer a collar without a discussion of all the responsibilities and commitments that are entailed beforehand.

It goes like this: After teasing and playing with a sub, giving her an orgasm or three, the "Master" leans in close and whispers, "Who's your Dom? Who's your Master? Who loves you, baby?" What is the sub supposed to say? "Well, to be honest, I'm talking with a couple of guys... but please continue with what you were doing..."

Not going to happen... What will happen is she will say "You are, Sir." Then the Dom will reach for a collar and say "Wear this as a symbol of your devotion/submission?" Then, after the collar is already in place, he starts telling her about what is and isn't expected of her. This is ASS-BACKWARDS. If something like this should happen to you, decline the collar... you can always accept it later.

(I am not suggesting that all Doms are like this. But I have heard this kind of story told enough times to know that it happens with some regularity. And again, if it happened to you and you are happy with the results, wonderful... you are one of the lucky ones. I still think the practice is highly questionable.)

DEMAND Honesty. Full Disclosure.

This is even harder than tough negotiating. It seems like a direct challenge to a Dom's authority. Submission is not automatic, however. It is an active choice on a sub's part each and every time a demand is place on her. Honesty from a Dom should be a requirement of a sub in order to give that submission.

The sad truth is that there are Doms who flirt up several subs at once and are not truthful about it. Even to the point of collaring one and flirting up others behind her back. Some Doms have even gone so far as to limit a sub's IRC interaction to prevent her from learning of his promiscuity.

It is one thing to be above board and fully inform your partner's about your activities. At least then, they have the information to make a reasonable choice about whether they want to be a part of such an arrangement.

Being truthful is also more than just not telling lies. Sins of omission are still deceptions. You can not get off on a technicality.

If A Dom Balks At Such Hard-Line Negotiating, Run Like Hell.

If he doesn't respect your limits now, he isn't likely to later. Don't buy into the "If you loved me, you'd trust me..." bullshit. It is manipulative. The correct response is, "If you love ME, you'd be open and honest with me."

A Dom who is not insecure should not have any problems with full disclosure up front or with respecting and understanding your limits. Trust is earned. And once negotiations are finished and the fun begins, there is plenty of room for you to express your submission to him.

What I am talking about is a sense of appropriateness. Everything in it's place and at the right time. It requires patience, resolve, and determination. In the long run, I believe, it will lead to safer and more enjoyable d/s experiences for all.

* Let the flames begin! *
I'll start: Well... that's just your opinion.
My response: Duh!
*grin*

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