He knew the sound of his retching was ringing through the bus, even though he had closed the door. He knew he was still drunk, too. He didn’t hear the door open, but he did see a pair of legs in sweatpants come around the side of the toilet. A cool rag hit his forehead and he groaned with relief. It was short lived as he got to his knees and began to vomit again, the cool rag still holding his head up.
“Thanks, Kev.” Howie mumbled.
“Next time Kevin does this for you, you can thank him.” He heard AJ say as he wiped Howie’s face, and then rinsed the rag again.
Howie didn’t fight it. He let AJ take care of him. AJ handed him a small glass of water that Howie rinsed his mouth with and spit into the toilet. AJ left him to close the bathroom door again and sit on the floor with Howie.
“We can’t go on like this, man.” AJ sighed.
Howie didn’t say a word.
“I’m sorry, man! How many more times do I have to say it!?” AJ groaned, pulling up his knees and covering his face with his hands.
Howie still didn’t speak. His stomach roiled again and he vomited. AJ was up with his cool rag again, but Howie swatted him away.
“Get the fuck away from me!” Howie slurred. He wobbled to his feet and lunged for AJ. slamming them both against the closed bathroom door.
AJ shoved Howie back down and was able to kick him in the leg to keep him down. AJ turned to leave the bathroom, but realized that the weight of them hitting the door together had broken it. It was stuck shut. He looked back at Howie who was clutching his leg and lying with his head on the floor between the wall and the toilet. He didn’t say a word as he just slid to the floor with his back to the door. No point in waking the others this early. He was safe as long as Howie stayed passed out.
Howie wasn’t out. He groaned lowly and AJ saw Howie’s body begin to tremble.
“Oh god, I’m gonna die.” Howie sobbed.
“No you’re not, you’re just hung over.” AJ sighed.
“I can’t do this, Bone. I can’t live like this…without her.” Howie sobbed.
“You’ll be fine, once you lay off the booze.” AJ sighed again.
“I can’t. I can’t deal with it…” Howie continued.
“You’re just doing this to yourself. No one is making you suffer.” AJ said.
“All that time, she never loved me. She loved you.”
“What?! D, you’re nuts!” AJ snapped.
Howie erupted into fresh drunken sobs, not hearing AJ anymore. AJ got up, went to Howie, and pulled him into a sitting position. Howie looked up and began to struggle. AJ wrapped his arms around Howie’s chest, trapping Howie against his own chest. AJ was able to pull Howie close as he struck out at him.
When the need to vomit again overwhelmed Howie, AJ let go of him and Howie pulled himself to the toilet. AJ got up and got another rag. Howie tried to swat AJ away again, but AJ just slapped him in the back of his head, stunning him. AJ cleaned his face and the surrounding area. He put the rag in the sink, sat back down and pulled Howie back into his arms so that Howie was between his legs and resting his back on AJ’s chest.
Howie was quiet. His breathing slowed, the fight all worked out of him. AJ knew he wasn’t asleep though. He knew Howie when Howie was asleep.
“She loved you, D. More than she ever thought she loved me.” AJ said quietly. Howie just shook his head, ‘no’. “She’d be upset about what you’re doing to yourself.”
“She was in love with you.”
“Not like she was in love with you. She was with you, wasn’t she? You were the one she chose.” AJ said. “I never slept with her, man.”
“Don’t lie to me, AJ.”
“I’m not. She was too upset the night she came over. I couldn’t take advantage of her like that.” AJ said.
“You were the one who went after her.”
“That’s true, but when she told me she wanted you, I backed off.”
“It doesn’t matter!” Howie protested. “She is still in love with you!”
“You don’t know that! Besides, we can’t be together.” AJ sighed.
“Great, I get her by default.” Howie choked.
“If you’re lucky enough to ever get anywhere near her again, you’ll ‘get her’ because she loves you and she makes you happy.” AJ said. “Why don’t you call her?”
“She won’t talk to me, AJ. I tried, I tried, I swear! She ran away from me at the fundraiser, right in front of everyone.” Howie moaned. “God! AJ! I just want to die!”
AJ’s arms tightened around Howie. Howie kicked his legs out, pushing himself closer into AJ’s chest in frustration.
“You aren’t going to die, Howie. I know it feels like that, but it isn’t going to happen. I won’t let it.” AJ whispered in his ear. “You’re my brother and I love you, man.”
It was too much for Howie. AJ’s admission drove him to more drunken tears. He and AJ both slumped to the floor, Howie in AJ’s arms. AJ held Howie as he sobbed, telling AJ how much he loved Kate and how much he wanted to just die. AJ pushed aside all of his anger and frustrations over the whole situation just to take care of Howie. After all, Howie was his best friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was another beautiful spring day in Orlando, but Kate didn’t even notice. She kept her head down as she stepped from the public bus and headed the two blocks to the hospital. She did glance at her watch.
At 4:30 she’d have to meet Matt, her tutoring assignment at the University. It paid well, so she made time to do it for two students a quarter. Her hand smoothed the short pleated skirt she wore today, and then she reached in her book bag to get her security badge. She rode the elevator up to the seven floor, maternity. That was her current rotation for the next three months.
She rather enjoyed it these last couple days. The needs of babies so different from the needs of disease stricken adults. Several dark-haired, dark eyed little boys had lain in her arms and she couldn’t help but think of Howie.
She had no doubt it could have been that way for her. She probably could have bore Howie’s children and had a household full of little dark eyed, dark haired babies. The same could’ve happened with AJ.
AJ.
AJ wasn’t a lover. He was her brother. She took a deep breath as she threw her bag in her locker and pulled on her white lab coat. She hung the stethoscope over her neck and attached her security badge to the pocket. She checked the pockets for pens and pencils and everything else she would need. She slipped out of the leather shoes Kristen had picked out for the skirt she was wearing and she pulled on her athletic shoes.
She had kept most of the clothes they had bought her when she left Howie. She didn’t have much of a choice. Nick had been furious when she returned the car. He called and yelled at her for at least 10 minutes. She apologized one last time and hung up on his ranting. She knew he just cared too much. She also knew he’d forget her in time. So would Howie and AJ. She only hoped they could be close again, some day.
She closed her locker and closed her eyes. She had given herself to Howie a year ago today. The sensations of his hands on her body the feel of his presence inside of her overwhelmed her. Tears pricked at her eyes behind closed lids. Why? Why did it have to be this way?
She still loved him so much even today, a year later. She also knew it was better this way. Howie had to protect himself and the rest of the boys from this kind of scandal. It still wasn’t public that Kate and AJ had the same father. It needed to stay that way.
She knew he would forget her in time, regardless of what he said at the fundraiser. It was all she could do not to throw herself into his strong arms and beg his forgiveness. She had been so wrong to lie to him; especially after all he had gone through.
Rachel in NY was nothing. He had just been trying to help her, but she had thought the worse and ran to AJ, begging him to make love to her. Thank god he hadn’t! What would’ve happened then?! At least one of them had their head screwed on straight!
She slid the lock down on her locker and safety pinned the key to the inside of her lab coat pocket. It was over, or it was going to be over, if she had anything to do with it.
Table of Contents
Prologue