Edith,
I can't wait to go home. Howie looks like death. He barely eats, but he drinks plenty! The other guys are worried. It's been 9 months or so since she left. I know he took seeing Kate again hard last week, but it's getting worse. I don't think he's been with other women, but he gets drunk enough these days that something stupid is bound to happen.
He doesn't talk to me any more. Hasn't since the tour began. I don't know how we got through the recording sessions. That wasn't as bad as it is now. He talked to me occasionally. Now, not at all. Especially since the fundraiser. She refused to talk to him.
I…I really wish there was something I could do.
Buck
April 16
Edith,
Kevin talked to Lita today. They still talk nearly every day. Kate's as upset as Howie, but she's keeping busy with a new tutoring job on campus. Her residency at the hospital is going well. She's on rotation on the cancer floor. They thought it would be good for her to get out of the lab.
What are you doing? I don't know why I bother asking. You've never answered me back. I'm not sure you're even getting these. Nick says you are, because I'd get a notice if you had blocked me. Yeah, I told Nick. I told all of them. I can't explain the look on Howie's face when I did.
Buck
April 17
Well, things were a little better. Howie didn't go drinking after the show. Some of his family came to visit. His mother started crying when she saw him. He's lost like 30 lbs. It's not a good look on him. Me? I was born to have chicken legs. Ha. I told Kate that once. I didn't know she and I had the same ones. No, Kate doesn't talk to me either these days.
We're off to LA and to do Leno tomorrow. We've got three shows in three days. I don't know if I'll be able to write then. We'll be NY in June. I'd like to meet you. We're doing Central Park. I could get you tickets or something. I don't know.
AJ
April 20
Hey Edie, Howiedoing? Sorry, bad! He's actually looking good. Hasn't had a drink in three days, but his parents are still around. Did you see us on Leno? God, did we suck or what? Nick was sooo off key and don't ask me wtf Kevin was singing! LMAO! God it was shit! Thank god, the shows went better. I've got one more tonight, then I'm off to Vegas. It's late, I gotta go!
Your buddy, Buck
April 21
Howie's parents went home. It's not good.
April 22
Kevin is really worried. Howie got so drunk; we almost took him to the hospital. We couldn't wake him up. Our tour medic got him up and we kept him awake. He was really drunk, telling Kevin he wanted to die. Now I'm worried.
I never wanted this! No woman was worth this. Not even Kate. He needs help, but I can't help him! He's my best friend and this is all my fault.
Buck
April 24
Sorry I missed a day. Howie has mellowed, but he's depressed something awful. Kevin and Nick are making sure he doesn't drink. He says he doesn't remember saying he wanted to die. God, I hope it's not true. This is all my fault.
April 30
Howie has gone off the deep end. Rachel in NY finally succeeded in killing herself. She hung herself with her own sheets. She left a note saying how much she loved Howie and the baby and how it killed her; he hadn't seen the baby. I wish there was something I could do to help him! This is all my fault.
May 1
We finally had to take Howie to the hospital this time. We may send him to a treatment center or some place where he can get some help. I guess we'll finish the tour without him. I can't imagine that. It can only be better. For all of us. He's a mess.
We all are. Ever since that other night, no one will leave him alone; afraid he'll hurt himself.
Where are you! I need to talk to you! Goddamn it!
AJ
May 2
Howie promises to stay away from the booze! Swears he doesn't have a problem! He won't even look at me! It's all my fault.
May 3
Howie's looking better. Nick got him to start eating. He actually laughed out loud for the first time in forever. He's getting better! Now, if I can just get him to forgive me!
Buck
May 5
Edith,
Sorry, I missed another day. Show rehearsal and a lot of press in Texas. I'm so tired, I just fell into my bunk.
I hope you're okay (not that you'd tell me)! Howie's not so bad. He's hanging with Kev or Nick most of the time. He and Nick played foosball last night. I just heard about it.
Maybe he will start talking to me soon! You think?
Buck
Send.
It was late and so dark that AJ felt he was wrapped in a cocoon. He was in the very back of the bus; sitting propped in the corner of the bench for the breakfast table. The vinyl was pleasantly sticking to the back of his legs, where they were exposed from his boxer shorts. He rubbed his eyes and then heard someone stumble in. He logged off and began to close down the laptop when Howie stumbled up to the table.
His dark eyes were hooded with exhaustion, his moody presence enhanced by the black jeans, black tee shirt and long leather blazer. He slapped his hands on the table and stared at AJ.
"What's up?" AJ asked, closing the laptop.
"Whatthefuckdoyoucare?" he slurred. AJ took a deep breath and rolled his eyes.
"So, how much did you drink tonight?" AJ asked, not really looking at Howie.
"Notnearlyenough." He said heavily. "Whatcha'doing? You'posing'tothatbitchatJuillard?"
"Howie, shut up. You're drunk." AJ said.
"Trying to get your own high class pussy?" Howie snarled at him. Something in his eyes told AJ that Howie was about to beat the crap out of him. AJ began to brace for the impact.
"Look, why don't you go sleep it off." AJ said gentler than Howie deserved.
"I don't want to sleep it off!" Howie growled. Howie lunged for AJ who's trapped in the corner of the benched table area. They struggle until Howie has AJ on his feet on the bench, his back painfully pinched up against the side of the bus his angry face inches from AJ's. "Maybe I just want the last thing of yours to ever touch her."
Howie had him by his hair at the back of his head as his mouth came crashing down on AJ's. AJ could taste the alcohol on him and the excruciating pain as Howie drove his mouth into AJ's. AJ had a grip on both of Howie's arms, but he found the harder he struggled the more painful it got. He forced himself to relax and to not fight Howie in fear of Howie seriously hurting him. Howie's knee began digging in between AJ's legs and that was too much for him to resist not crying out.
Howie pulled away, looking at the pain he was inflicting on AJ. His hand slipped down the front of AJ's body and AJ's arms and legs exploded trying to get away from him. "Maybe this was the last thing to have her." Howie snarled.
AJ shoved back against Howie until he fell flat on his back across the small table. He forced both of Howie's knees apart until he got between them. He levered himself up on his own knees, looking down at Howie.
"Is this what you want you bitch?!" AJ snarled, pulling off his T-shirt. "I'll give you what you want!"
AJ's own anger at Howie's violation gave him the strength to flip the intoxicated Howie onto his stomach, still teetering dangerously on the small table. Howie struggled to get away as AJ lifted the back of his leather coat and began to pull at the back of his pants.
"What the fuck is going on in here?!" Kevin demanded from the doorway. AJ let go of a struggling Howie who slid off the table onto the floor at Kevin's feet.
"Get that fucking piece of trash away from me!" AJ screamed.
Only Kevin had pity for Howie as he began to crawl on his hands and knees past Kevin and into the bathroom. The trip would well under way for hours before he ever came out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ couldn't sleep. After Howie got in his own bunk, AJ was out of his. Nick was still up on his computer, sitting where AJ had been earlier. AJ got his own laptop and logged on next to him. They didn't speak. AJ began to type. He needed to vent. He needed to sleep. He was so tired and so angry and so…
Where the fuck are you? I need you!
Howie attacked me! I swear he was going to rape me or something. I fought back and started tearing at his clothes!
Would I have done it? Would I have actually raped Howie? I don't know. I think I might have. I've never felt that kind of rage before. He violated me. I hadn't forced him when I kissed him. I was only joking. He was going to hurt me, if he had the chance. Part of me wishes I had.
It really is his fault Kate is gone. He's the one that lied to her. He's the one who forced her into my arms. He's the one who embarrassed her so badly she can't face any of us again! He would deserve it. To know what it feels like!
I wanted to hurt him as bad as he hurt her. As bad as he hurt me. How dare he think he could do something like that to me! I'm his best friend and he would've done the same to me. He would have deserved it.
I'm sure now. If Kevin hadn't walked in I would've hurt Howie. And he would have deserved it.
I don't care if he kills himself now.
Where are you? Why won't you talk to me? God! How much more do I have to say to convince you I'm real?
Send.
Nick looked up at AJ as AJ's head dropped into his hand. An erie glow from the laptop's screen gave AJ an ill look of despair. Kevin had told him what had happened between Howie and AJ. Nick wondered how bad it was going to be? How worse could it get?
"You've got mail." AJ's computer said.
AJ looked at it then up at Nick. Nick was staring, too. AJ stared at the computer some more and as Nick's hand snaked across his keyboard it shook him from his reverie. He waved AJ to read it.
Quit calling me Edith. My name is Oria.
Nick raised an eyebrow at AJ and AJ read it again. A slow smile crossed AJ's lips as he looked back up at Nick. Nick smiled too, gave a nod and then went back to what he was doing.
Chapter One
Spiral Bound Fiction