Tuesday Jan 1, 1991
3:30
WhiteWater Falls. Cloudy, cold, windy. Very few people. Drank my beer, sat and watched a fhile, now I lay down beneath balknkets, towels and things, head on pack, and doze. A couple of the adventurous souls came down. "Good sleeping weather," one said. Anyway, it's another New Year's Day and I will leave the 1991 edition of "ThoughtSmithing" here (#67).
Wednesday Jan 9, 1991
6:15 AM
Garren's. The wake up at 3:30 routine is back. "they" fired Matthews yesterday and Bob G. 'the Accountant' is in charge now. Me thinks, Joe B still runs the company. It will be interesting concerning the 14% raise promised last year and whether I stay or leave, "this time."
Friday Jan 11, 1991
5:15
Pizza Inn. Have to go into work tomorrow, like the "new top dog" wants a Saturday morning meeting. An additional rumor of required ties and shirts and such. maybe Earl was right, he's a real sonofabitch. It's spoiling my evening too. Do I be the "nail sticking up" like I feel libe being? Do I let them hammer me down? But there's more -- [there's an old sounding song playing on the speaker system -- Maimi Vice I think. It instills feeling within my mind, of things long long ago.] --- important things to be concerned about, like the war that's going to happen. Another war, I'm old and wiser and still I do little or nothing.
Sunday Jan 13, 1991
4:30
WhiteSide. on Top. It has been a long time since I sat here, before the LA trip. A lot has happened since then too. I tied eight yellow ribbons this afternoon and will leave the rest of the roll here. I will leave "ThoughtSmithing" #68 too. But the one important thing I came here to do is pray to God about the war thing in the gulf.
{{See Prayer '91 in Prayer Room.}}
Friday Jan 18, 1991
5:20
Pizza Inn. The war started? (Aug 2), the hostilities started? (Aug 2), the missiles began to fly after midnight MidEast time Thursday Jan 17, '91 [Wednesday afternoon 4:30 PM]. They exploded just in time for the evening news. I think it was planned that way. The most massive single time air attack ever. Thousands of missions, and it's continued ever since. Last evening, just in time for the new, Iraq let their missle fly, into Jerusalem (Med Coast). By the hand of God no one was killed (I think and hope). Another (continuing) tense evenig, but Isreal did not retialate, such restraint! But did any of the Arabs really take notice? (This afternoon, Iraq attacked again, that's all I know about that.) BUT last night, after I left mom's house, Iraq sent a missle toward Dharahan, where Bob and Edna are, the first reports were of an explosion near (at) the airbase. But hours later (11:00PM) it was finally explained taht an AirForce missle intercepted it. I wonder what the event will be tonight? Hussein is trying hard to involve Isreal, he will probably succeed, One can only turn the other cheek once. But will i break the alliance? Maybe there will be a more venganceful punishment upon Hussein.
Anyway, it was a good day at work, I got to spend the day makig armature shafts, learning how to lathe, grind and hobb.
Oh yes, me thinks the two guys were brothers and farm boys at that, flirting with the waitress, who flirted with them first.
Thursday Jan 24, 1991
11:45 PM
GSP Airport. Waiting for Robert. This is a deserted place, late evening, it snowed this morning, but I think that's not why, this is an out of the way airport. Anyway, I here, alone, in the resturant - bar area. Probably only the second time her, to waste time waiting, since the remodeling job, such a fancy airport for so little traffic. (The last time was the CA trip in May '90, just passing through then.) Thougth it would be a slow rough trip this morning due to the snow, but it wasnt. Fog mostly, one bad spot wher the four-two lanes meet west of Berea. [some lat night talk show on tv in the bar][Robert's plane should be leaving Atlanta now] Back at work this morning, most everyone left after the snow started. I stayed till five. Been doing machining last two days, which has been really different. An occasonal thought of doing what Dad did.
Sunday Feb 3, 1991
4:00
Glassy Mtn. (EastSide) It's a clear, warm, sunny Sunday afternoon. Just came from Linda's, took a copy of the family names to her. Sat on her neighbors porch, they were working on an addition to the neighbors house. So that task is done.
Robert's gone back to Seattle, left yesterday afternoon at 5:00 Sat in a Pete's #4 drivein with Susan (she and Chris came to the airport too). Saw Roberts pland leave, me sitting in Greenville looking up in th sky to see the plane and knew my brother was on it. But the week's visit is over now, probably another long time before seeing him again. Last Sunday afternoon took Robert up to Whiteside. It was cold and icy up there, but still nice to be able to do a "walkabout" with him. Went over to Kathy's place, Dennis ws ther too, so that was new too, to sit and listen to them talk. Lea and family visited a couple of times. But it's over now. Back tothe ole boring lonely routine.
Friday Feb 8, 1991
5:25
Pizza Inn. Need to write another GP paper and/or editor letter abuot the war. Need to go to Athens too, there's a perminant anti-war protest there. Maybe another trip to WhiteWater and WhiteSide, I've got two more copies of T.S. ready. Maybe just anything but the same lonely, boring weekend routine.
[Pause to eat and start the GP/Letter] A sign that someone has taken note of my words. One of the waitress stopped to tellme that she liked the Jan 13 Prayer, her grandmother did too (even put it in her Bible). A once in a great while signe that I've done good. {{Margin note: A sign of hope for my miserable life.}}
Friday Feb 15, 1991
6:45
Pizza Inn. Another week has passed.
Friday Feb 22, 1991
8:05
Carolina Creme. Another week has passed by with little to show for the effort to live through it. Maybe,not. I helped Jason with some of his homework this week, and visited with Jackie and Scott. So I did do something diff this week. The problem is Friday night and anothe lonely pre-weekend blues.
Last Sunday afternoon, I went to Greenville andleft "ThoughtSmithing" laying around, one at Coffee St Mall and the other at the old stone seat in Cleveland Park. That's four (#67-71) since Jan1. Not a word or card from any of them. No contact from the outside since Dec 5. Someone must be silencing my life. Cant remember ever going this long without so much as a wrong number.
Jackie found some reference to Tolliver Hughes in the Anderson area from the 1860 and 1870 census. More and offical name of his family. So that was exciting this week. Her discovery has made me want to do more. Collect some of the Old Stuff and then send it out to the few who helped. It's hopeless to try for the current families.
Monday Feb 25, 1991
7:45
Carolina Creme. the "ground war", as if there's a difference, started Saturday evening. News (rumor) reports Sunday and today, "easy advances", "remarkably light causalities" [for the coalition side], "surrendering by the hundreds". But all that can change with the next news (rumor) report. Two days of ground fighting and the firs reports of "ordr to withdraw for Kuwait" hopefully it's true, sadly thought that the evil man didnt do it months ago. Some of the early rumors of excutions and torture are beginning to proove false. I have always wondered how much of what Bush's people say is realy true. It was too much of close timing for events to be unrelated, like starting the grund war and "increases of terrorism" within hours of each other. Hopefully the truth will be know in the near (weeks) future. All the truth.
{{It's almost Spring of another year, but it doesnt feel like it, completely. The gloom and doom of war has cast it's shadow over rebirth of things anew.}}
Friday Mar 1, 1991
5:50
Pizza Inn. Wednesday midnight the fighting stopped. A four day ground war. two or three hundred dead on the allies side, thousand on the Iraqi side. The rumors of atrocities by Iraqi soliders against the Kuwaitans are probably true, sometimes yes sometimes no. For most of the Americans it ws a ride through the desert. For the ones who were killed or wounded, it was war. A lot of the talk is of the few casualities, but that's the typical American view, no thought of the poor Iraqian. Most of them were forced into batle, common folk who had to choose the rock or hard place. Narrow minded views, "Flying the Flag Fever, when America's at war." {Killing people} "Blind patritism" {a dictator expects no less] from an Iraqian view.
Saturday Mar 2, 1991
1:25
WhiteWater Falls. the Other Face of Victory
Saturday Mar 2, 1991
5:10
Carolina Creme. the horror of death by brutal torture is no less horrorfing than death by incenaration within a tank / both are victims of someone else's evil / those who protested this war, protest all wars / for they know the other face of victory.
Sunday Mar 3, 1991
4:50
Carolina Creme. Just here. Typed up "the other face of victory" and sent it off to P.J. at ABC. So that's the last of that. It could have been better, but the words dont flow like they use to.
Friday Mar 8, 1991
7:50
Huddle Resturant. The Iraqii people are trying to overthrow S Hussein, the US and the rest of the world will stand by and do nothing to finish the job they started. The Iraqii people will hate the US for the bombing and they will hate the US for not helping them rid the world of this evil man. The poor Iraqii! I fear for them, for they are a doomed people. Bush discredits his words, encourage them to revolt,then do nothing to help. But what does he care,he lead the world into the killing, he has gained the popularity as well as the oil. That's all he ever cared about.
Friday Mar 8, 1991
8:20
Carolina Creme. Just down the road. The American People dont care either, their sons and daughters and fathers and and uncles and aunts are on their way back from danger. That's all they care about. Selfish and conceited people, (their oil and cars and jobs). [pause] the news people wont cover "the post war struggle" of the Iraqii people. The welcome home story will be over covered such that it covers over the other face of victory. {{Bush and his people have tripped upon their word twice now. The first time about "no support agreement with Kuwait" before the war, and "the over throw S Hussein" thing.}}
And No One seems to have noticed!
Saturday Mar 9, 1991
2:00
Whiteside, On Top. I've been imagining how it would be to be able to "jaunt" from place to place, like in the SciFi book I read a long time ago. Like sitting here, looking at Glassy and knowing I've been there before. [Connecting with the space - time line and "being" in Iraq or Saudi Arabia or Kuwait]. There is a faint, very fait, sense (feeling) of being in Europe (Brisindi, Bari, Barcelona, etal.) while sitting here half high. {{That I could "will" the evil one out of existence. That I could be a citizen of the Earth, of Galaxy, or Universe}} Time to piss on the situation and leave.
Friday Mar 15, 1991
5:55 AM
Huddle Resturant. NAM DREAM. I was in Nam last night, trying to help an AmerAsian girl (woman now). A couple of "pimp" types were trying to keep her from me. Gave them a few dollars, then made a run for it, we ran to a truck (it was Ronnie's), tossed her inside and locked the doors. That's when I woke up at 3:00.
There was another dream two weeks ago, a blow job in a car (VW I think). Got excited about a sex dream (I knew I was dreaming) and woke up.
It's the killing that went on in Iraq, and still goes on, but mostly of the Americans thinking it (the war) was over.
PreDawn Darkness, Beside the Traveling Road.
Friday Mar 15, 1991
7:00
Pizza Inn. Some of the truth is being resurrected from the war. The government lies. Exgarations of tortures, executions, and other killings and atrocities. It was hundreds of executions, not thousands; few thousands of capitive not tens of thousands; atrocities are atrocities, bat regardless of number. The miricilous few casualties of combat is really hundreds of death (320) from just being there. The truth is slowly being ressurected.
At lunch time today, most of the work clics was here. Two or three power tools people are moving to floor care. I give money an dindicated I would come too, but I didnt. I know I dont belong to the work clic. They never missed me. But I missed not being a part of the work clic.
So what will I write, tonight? When will the truth of the "real killing" be reserrected? When will the American people admit they supported the killng of tens (hundreds) of thousands?
Friday Mar 15, 1991
8:15
Carolina Creme. It has felt like ages (eons) since wrote a "street people" thing. The feel of the street evade (fades) my spirit. Almost a year since the big LA city street thing. Slowly, with aging (getting old) the feelings fade. "Timothy Dalton {{Devon}}, how do ye fare these seasons?"
Wednesday Mar 20, 1991
7:25
Carolina Creme. Only three or four hours till Spring, my forty-secondth. I have sortof thought I would not go to work tomorrow. Go to Whitewater instead. Do something different for Spring Day.
Thursday Mar 21, 1991
1:15
WhiteWater Falls. There is this time, after about three and one half beers with two and half to go, that the oneness with the world is achieved. Like here I sit, wrapped in beach towel and hitchhiker's head towel, feeling good. A cool breeze blowing but somewhat warm beneath my wraps. Thinking (dreaming) how nice it would be, to be this way for a long, long time.
It is just past five beers, the clouds have drifted in, the temperture is falling but my mind rises. I can move my eyes with the running river and see the patterns on the rushing waters, as I've noted before, the white water is really multitudes of crystal bubbles. I've been looking up stream for an hour now, the vista is behind me, the source of the waters before me. Before high falls, there are wide steps of shallow rapids, before the eruption of gorge, there are tress and leaves filling the space.
Is this kind of high any diff than a city street high in any big city? Any diff than a high on any planet of any system of any galaxy?
It is six beers high now, my mind races through space, to be on different world, while on the same high. [Up stream, they share a joint, down stream I am alone, within my mind, I wish I could be with them, to share my travels in space.]
[[He pisses in the river, his buddy stands so near, that I could be so bold, to piss before a friend. That I could have a friend to piss in front of.]]
It is just after three, maybe I should let them have this space, they have smoked and pissed and now they sit at the edge of the Falls, to experience their MJ high. Tis't I who outlasted them, as their moving forms, upstream do roam.
At last, a first, either the two guys or the guy and gal got the T.S., I looked to see it the guys had it, but there were no signs. {{Margin note: if the two guys took it, they ditched it.}}
Friday Mar 22, 1991
7:20
Huddle House Resturant. So what's new? My mind is on the pay raise, wondering (worrying) if it will happen. Deep down, me thinks it will not. I can feel it, I can sense it. They do not like me, my performance is not good enough to keep me around. Neither will they really miss me when I am gone. They want me to leave, but not by firing me, just make it hard on him and he will leave on his own. "they've" done it to other people, more valuable than I. Besides, maybe, deep down, I want them to do it to me. Out on my own, I die a slow, agonizing mental death.
{{Margin note: "You will be silenced!"}} I've been silenced too. No contact with the outside world since the T.S. beach thing. No responses from G.P, or LTE, or PJ or anyone else. No calls, [I've disconnected the answer machine.] No letters. Nothing. What I have to say or write, is not worth hearing or reading. Even Jamie ignores my words. [I knew he would.]
My spirit's down, down low, depressingly down. And it will never rise again!
Friday Mar 22, 1991
8:25
Carolina Creme. Like what will I do? Trash an inadquately paying job for a lack of few dollars more? A few strains of hair? Give up more of my personal principles? Nothing will change if I stay! Nothing will change if I go! Force myself to change. Work a different crowd, place, job, ... existence! Aimlessly amble around. Vegetate vigously. Will my self out of existence. There's millions of jobless, homeless, people. They survive. Why would I be different? Fear of lossing it all. {{Margin note: a 62 wheel Aussie rig is 6 trailers long.}}
Saturday Mar 23, 1991
afternoon
Campfire Side I have been to a thousand planets of a thousand galaxys and everywhere I find campfires. That first symbol of the quest for civilization is the same through out the Universe. I'm a product of the Science Fiction, when SiFi had moral values woven within the High Tec fibric. I am a product of the quest for the Universe when that quest was held in highest reguard. To be beside a campfire on a planet a thousand light years from here, is to be at home in the Universe.
Sunday March 24, 1991
3:50
CampFire Side. Walked up to the top of the ridge, the clearcut area. Meet a man who works in the tool and die shop, talked about the clearcut, learned taht the six hundred acres sold for $400 an acre, I think that works out to $1.25 a tree. Such a waste.
CampFire
Monday March 25, 1991
7:45
Carolian Creme. CampFire
Friday March 29, 1991
2:15
Carolina Creme. It's raining, not working and it rains. A dreary do nothing day, I'm feeling down, and to think I'm thinking of quitting work so that I can do this every day.
Saturday Mar 30, 1991
8:15
Carolina Creme. First Full Moon of Spring, it's cold again, and I didnt go anywhere or do anything for this Full Moon. So this will be "the event", sitting here with coffee, beside a city street, watching the moon through window reflections of city life. It certainly did get busy and crowded in a hurry.
Sunday Mar 31, 1991
5:00
Glassy, EastSide. Been to Carolina Creme and here. So this will be my Easter Holiday outting event. Big Deal!
Monday Apr 1, 1991
2:05
WhiteSide. See Prayer '91.
[for once I got to see and talk with the one who picked up T.S.]{another loner]. Now it's hours later, the afternoon is spent, here, the evening there, mine with peaceful solitude (loneliness), their's with terror filled anguish, My thoughts I wish to be thre, that some of us do care they know. Were it to be that I rule this nation, help for them would be my will. [tis so beautiful, the sound of youthful voices.] It's fivethirty time to go.
Friday Apr 5, 1991
7:45
Carolina Creme. Silenced! My thoughts have been silenced. One causal contact on top of the Mountain: a tantaliziing tidbit just to smash false hopes int bits: it must be ture, what I have to write is not worth reading: Silenced the way the military acadimia silence unwanted cadets: Spoken to only in offically required circumstance: never socially: I have given away my thoughts, not even a thank you, save only one, another tantalizing tidbit: [long pause] Even my thoughts of being "silenced" have surpressed the words to be silent: Abandon Ship! Delete my job from this life. Erase my life from history. The absentance of a grain of sand from the Sahara Desert will be more significant than my existance from space and time.
Monday Apr 8, 1991
6:05 EST
Carolina Creme. Bush can not object to the devils agent's killing, because he instigated the killing of tens of thousands himself. That's why Bush does little to help the Kurds.
Poor Kurds, Poor Shitte, Sunnmi, poor Iraqii, the killing, the dying, the suffering goes on with NO immediate end in sight. What was Lenin's song about Bagadash? An ode, a requiem, a tragic ballard? Is another tragic ballad in poor Iraq's future? There's enough sadness for one now. The whole world knows the source of this particular evil, yet part of the world make swar with ordinal people, the other part turns it's eyes and ears, and hearts away. The more effort I put into willing this evil from the world, the more tragic it is for victims. The kurd of Turkey and Sunmi of Iran provide waht help they can. Individual people helping other individual people. But that is for only those who have "made it" to the boarder of help. Internally, there's the helpless, more rumors of massacres, genicide. How many such acts since the Holocaust of the Jews? Tens, hundreds? Still the world does notheing to stop them, much less to prevent them.
/ it is two or three in the morning, there / cold and homeless and hungry cling to the mountain side / not for days but for weeks they have waked / burying those who could walk no more / another trail of tears made of other native people, driven toward extinction / to sit beside that campfire, on that mountain side, surrounded by human misery, feeling the heart of heartlessness, remembeing the terror of being hunted by deamons / if only all the world leaders could sit by that campfire, to know such existance up close and personal / then there would not be any -----
{{Margin note: [Within a meter or two, there's signs of compassion and helping. A young lady with a baby is helped wtih her sandwiches and drinks to her car.}}
Wednesday Apr 10, 1991
6:45 EST
Car. Cre. I have damaged myself, the asaphagus I think. Last night after going to bed, my mouth watered a lot, sort of felt like stomach acid up in the throat. So I didnt sleep well, but I did dream a dream, something about me being "right" in most all I've done, but people still putting me down, being harassed even though I am right. I think some of them came around to my point of view, toward the end of the night.
----- deamon dictators in the world / for some, if not most, there is no campfire / only the cold, wind, darkness / "offically" the rest of the world lives with cold, dark, heartlessness / something called national sovernity. {{Margin note: What is the real story?}}
Friday Apr 12, 1991
5:30 EST
Pizza Inn Easley. Maybe it was mostly heartburn, acid in the lower asaphagus, but now it is my throat that bothers me. So I have damagedmyself in one way or another.
I want to leave work again, no promotion, more gear stuff and I am tired of ti all.
What I really wan to do is sit and write great thoughts. But my mind just isn't going that way. I want to go back to the mountainside campfire, be witht he really hopeless people. {relative to what do I comare my future unemployment?} Some people are really upset over Bush's lack of action for the Kurds.
Friday Apr 12, 1991
7:10 EST
Carolina Creme. This place is too crowded too, taking up someone else's space I am. It is because there's only one behind the counter. Why do business places do this, one to serve the many at the busy times.
it's getting dark, dusk of the day / it's wet too, been rainig / a little bit cook, but not cold / the ground, paved with black asphalt (residual oil) / over there the ground is ground / mud every where, babies in mud, children in mud, grownups in mud / refugees, refugees from war, from genicide, from oppression, from drought / the world has always had refugees / but it's only the current ones in the news / that gain the world's attention / to be forgotten when the news move on to someother news.
Saturday Apr 13, 1991
11:45 EST
Pete's Open Kitchen. It is still wet, dont know where to go or what do to. This is the way it would be everyday if I didnt work, Not like the homeless, jobless, street people, they have no choice, I do, and I have a place to go home.
gloomy, shadows, beneath the dark clouds, filtered sunlight comes and goes, in spots around the clouds. But the effort to lighten up fails. Now the wet, heavy shadow hides surbrub buildings and trees from the mind.
Saturday Apr 13, 1991
1:45 EST
Carolina Creme. There's nothing in the mall, Thought I'd buy a book, but I did not, A dreadful dreary Saturday afternoon. Pointless fruitless ride to nowhere. Tist would have been better to sit on top of Whiteside in the rain.
Monday Apr 15, 1991
5:40 EST
Car Creme. The governments of the world dont care. The people do. The governments of the world have wars, using the people who want no wars. Bush has no calim to any kind of victory. History will write Kuwait was freed, but at an extraordinary price. The lives of tens of thousands who had no part in choice or decision about the invasion, destruction of a nation, a people's country where only the political power needed destruction, "overkill" in every sense of the word, the displacement of millions fleeing a terror not yet distroyed.
Wednesday Apr 17, 1991
5:15 EST
Huddle House. The other kid of the CarCreme, Jason, he asked waht I wrote. Gave him the last two GP things, the same ones I gave Manly. He said "Powerful". He's a Witness, so we talked about religion. So I did not write anymore about the Iragian thing.
Bush and his government (politics) have taken advantage of the situation, from the beginnnng to now (it's not the end yet). He is as much the cause of all the killing and destruciton as Hussein's (terrpr) brigade. Of course, the protesters were right, "war for oil" that is exactly what it was about. Not Kuwait's sovernity, not Hussein's threat, not anything else, but killing for oil. I think most of teh US people will start to voice their toughts fro what really happened and why. The Flags will quietly be lowered and put away. The returning soliders will start to tell the truth and magnitude of the destruction. [["Mama, I've killed a lot of people."]]
Wednesday April 17, 1991
6:50 EST
Carolina Creme. Will the world ever lear? Fifty year ago there ws anothe evil man, doing a final solution to his conntry's internal affairs. There's been more since. There's another one now. Still the world does little to nothing to stop another final solution. Will th world ever learn?
Friday April 19, 1991
4:30 EST AM
Huddle House. One of teh 2:30 wake up mornings. The greenville news really sucks. Like I get yesterday's INDEPENDENT and Sandy Grady of Philadelphi Daily writes it like it is with Bush and teh Gulf War and the Kurds. [[The sound of truth rings clearly and sharply like a silver bell.]]
Friday April 19, 1991
5:20 EST
Pizza Inn. Another week is done, and little has change, except getting older and nothing accomplished. Didnt even make any more copies of T.S. only two left too. Maybe that will be what to do tomorrow, it it rains. Could go to WhiteWater though, sit under the overhang, let it rain and storm then.
But then there is the MidEast thing to write about. There is so much wrong there, not taht I could write any words which would impreove things. Still no "major" feedback from any of the T.S. left behind. Still only write abut human misery, few (no?) words abut today's youth. --- Peter Jennings is on the tv news now, even he has not acknowledge my last words. "The Political Winds are a Changing" probably had no meaning either. Just my wishful thinking.
{{Four teenage girls, sitting at a table, in the back half, giggling and gestering, like teen girls do. Two teenage boys, sitting at a booth, in the front half, mumbling and snickering, like "bad" teen boys do (bad misfits). Two other older boys, in another booth, in the middle half, talking and eating, like good young men do.}} Margin note: Misfits? Is Jason a misfit?
Peter Jennings is doing "the person of the week" thing about right now.
James is here tonight, with his kid, he knows the other masciline handsome man. Another pair, but married and diviorced with kids.
Friday Apr 19, 1991
7:00 EST
Carolina Creme. The thoughts and words will not happen. Just trying to connect with some raining wet street scene is a major effort. Confusion with the intersection of connections and with mountains of northern Iraq and Big City Streets.
Prediction: [Bush is going to be nailed to the barn next year.]
=== Campfire needs names and times, Planet names, Star names. ===
{{Outside, there's water on a round table top, the wind is making ripples in it.}}
Saturday Apr 20, 1991
2:00 EST
WhiteSide Parking. Mostly just waiting to see if the boys goin up as I was coming down picked up the T.S. It rained and sleeted while on toop and I didnt take my umbrella. But the boys were treking on across the top anyway. It's raining again now. There ws one time before now that I sat here in the ran and fog, dont think I ever got out. Just sat here thinking about being on the road, no place to stay, camping out in the truck. Anyway, about the TS thing, there were two groups who saw it and talked about it but left it.
Sunday Apr 21, 1991
3:30
Carolina Creme. Manly has not been seen by me in two weeks. Asks to use the GP and then nothing. He's probably left. His hair style turned slowly to skin head style. I've made contact with someone, now he is not. What does it mean that I will never seldom get feedback? A never to be published author. I still think the CIA - FBI - NSA ext have silenced my thoughts. No mail at the pobox in months. But that's what I wrote about silence my life from history. {{Margin notes: Fleece 471. vga 386 whole deal, for video games, computer talk instead of car talk. Iron Crosses.}}
{{[[ Once is a great while, I sense that this world, or maybe it is my life in theis world, is nothing but imaginary. The people, the places, only exist for my immediate sense. Once in a great while, I think that I really died in the baja bug wreck in '81. Now (ever since) this has been my hell for past sins and false beliefs. ]]}}
Monday Apr 22, 1991
5:45 EST
Huddle House. Nothing to do that is pleasurable for me anymore. No movies, no eating, no writing, no visiting (never did much of any visiting). Depressing time, no life, no going somewhere to write, no one pays me any attention. (still dont know if EHS paper used GP) except when they want to "save" me.
The general solider came home yesterday, to a hero's welcome.
Things I could be doing; guitar, house building, book learning, engineer software, travel, job shop, W and W hangout, write, teach, tour the world, write a song.
[[ Screwed up the order she did, no fries --- cook did it, slow fryer. ]]
6:35 EST
Carolina Creme. What do fortytwo year old loner do? Maybe all I need is a vaction, go somewhere, do something. But that will just be another loner thing, depressing isnt it? Go back home and cry.
Wednesday Apr 24, 1991
6:45 EST
Carolina Creme. I'm here, mostly talking with Jason, Manly quit, boss wanted him to cut his hair, paper every two months.
Friday Apr 26, 1991
6:45 EST
Carolina Creme. Why do refugees, most everywhere, have no sense of order? Tonight Peter Jennings said that after the American soliders arrived and got things halfway set up (this is in the mountains too, not the thing near an Iraqian city) the people started waiting their turn to get food and water and other supplies. Not like the past three (or is it four) weeks when the Turks drove a truck in and people started climbing in and aound, pushing and fighting, food thron out at random.
What is the diff? Did the Turks and Iraninans jsut not demand order? Why not the refugees themselves impose order? Maybe it was just what happens when people become desperate.
On the local news (Asheville) they had a spot about Bob Dylan. He ws at Greenville Memorial Auditorium Sunday night (after the show I learnt there were still tickets left). The starge door guard wouldnt let him in. Usual BD dress, shabbley. The guard didnt recognize him, talked with him a bit, till someone inside came outside. Anyway, thought I should have thought about going there, backstage door, and wait for him. To give him a copy of T.S. But it's too late for that now, isnt it? Wonder what he would have thought of "the NAM" and "Talk to me WALL" and "Circa 72 Post Script 82" and some of the others.
Oh, I've already wrote abut that thought. the one about driving along the rod, see some handsome young man and check him out, at the same instant he looks at you as if he sensed your thoughts. Yes I've already wrote about that havent I.
Saturday Apr 27, 1991
3:15 EST
Carolina Creme. It is a raining day weekend, again. This time I'm not on top of a mountain, jsut a city type raning day. The only accomplishment today is making 15 copies of TS. Now that I've got a feel of the machine I can make 5 copies at a time in about 25 minutes.
Now what do I do? Wait for 5:30 EDT and finish out the ususal, boring weekend. It's been months since any social contact.
{{ Margin note: "Mamma, I've killed a lot of people." }} Picture this: It is four days after the ground assault. Some young soldier man has made his way back to a rear encampment and telephone. He calls home. The mother asks, "How are you doing?" "Mama, I've killed a lot of people. I mean lots of people."
After the tension of fighting, shooting projectile at the others tanks, trucks and bunker. AFter a hundred hours of doing war, the soldiers now have time to think (ponder) about what happened. What they themselves have done. Some poor common worker has been pulled from his civilian job, and his family, to do the government's dirty work. And now he has to live out his life with what he has done. Not ever wanting to harm anyone, he has been force to kill. It ends with "Mama, I've killed a lot of people."
Monday Apr 29, 1991
7:05 EST
Carolina Creme. The DOORS are really playng at 9:00 so maybe I will go to the movies tonight. Called Dennis today, we are to go get me a guitar tomorrow. So I will spend money for another guitar, piddle around, get discouraged and then quite agaiin. Maybe I'll give him a T.S., maybe I'll make contact with someone and screw up his life again. When has anything good ever come of me trying to be socilabe?
It's raining again tonight too, probably all night [ headlights, reflecting in the wet pavement ] It is really difficult to be contemplative while being undecide about the movie thing. Do it go, Do I not go?
Wednesday May 1, 1991
6:45 EST
Carolina Creme. Happy Brithday! I also have a new guitar. Dennis and I went to the MusicMaker last afternoon and did the deed, Takamini, like Jamie talked about. So how long with it last? Blistered a finger already.
Dennis writes goo lyrics too, thoughtful words. He remember them all too. How memerization will be repaired for me? Told Jamie,this afternoon, that for the first time in a lont itme I wanted to go straight home after work. Maybe this "deal" will be good for me. [[Wonder what Dennis thought of "ThoughtSmithing". Tis so sad a friend, Maggie Mae M, caught his attention. ]] Oh yes, the dude at the MusicMaker, he played a little. But he also asked about Dennis, how long he's played. Dennis referenced his past. The dude said diviorce is always good for a couple of songs. Dennis played his. {down is up and up is down on a guitar}
Still dont know about the DOORs movie thing, only at 9:00 and dont want to be the only one there.
[[A year ago, I was in L.A. on my birthday. And this volume is almost a year old.
Friday May 3, 1991
6:30 EST
Oh dear, another weekend to struggle through.
Dennis talked last night, after the lesson. He keeps a Journal not, says he's wrote stuff he's told no one else. So what's it like? Is it as he says or is it another party story he tells? I should even bother to write about it, it's none of my business. He did make connection with Circa 71 and the GP (Truth) papers, and Pin Ball Palor. That's what I need to do too, another short - short story.
"A thousand planets of a thousand galaxies of a thousand times. I've been to them all my young friend." The agile, white haired elder spoke as he stared with that far away erie blank look into the flames. I had just returned to the campsite with another bundle of fuel for the fire. But is had been hours ago when I asked him where he was traveling to. He had went on with the tasks of setting up camp without a word of response the, so I didnt ask again. Some beings just arent socialable. Some beings like tot talk, other dont, so I didnt ask anything else...
Monday May 6, 1991
6:10 EST
Dennis has "chased the dragon", the concert music one. For seven or eight years he was a professiona musican; and song writer, he has copyrights and royality checks. Burnt himself out by 26. He told me stuff Saturday night. I'm impressed. Mostly out of Austin, remember the times I listened for Austin City Limits. He knows top musicians and they know him. Or least they did; it's been seven years since he came home. He's "dont it all" man, and lived to tell about it, tickled the Dragon's tail.
Wednesday May 8, 1991
6:45 EST
.... It's always been easy to sign and gesture enough to convey basic thought to strangers. Like when is the next transport out of the city. Or where's carbon based foodstuffs. Or need water. It was when I picked this elder out of the crowd and gesture for transport that he looked long and hard at me, then signed follow. So there's not a whole lot of need to talk. Not that anyone understands anyone else if they did talk. Like I only asked for transport, didnt say where to, but he sensed I was headed for the thumber's camp....
Friday May 10, 1991
5:10 EST
Huddle house. {... Maybe we thumbers do look alike, not that.. } Why try. The thoughts are bouncing around in my head, but they will not make themselves into words and phrases.
Spend money --- bought guitar polish, strings and stuff -- go nowhere just to not be home. I wont pick up the guitar tonight, run away from it like I did homework and textbooks. It's ben weeks since the EHS paper thing and still I dont know if they did it or not. No response from T.S. but they'll never be, I tell them on the second page not to. All I can do is write this kind of junk. Never (Seldom) anything useful.
Friday May 10, 1991
6:50 EST
Carolina Creme. The real question is what would hitchhiking through the Universe really be like? Is it possible for individuals to hop in the mini - starcruisers and ride for a day or three to get from place to place? Like I could pack up the truck and ride to LA? Or will it be like H.H.G and Star Trek and Star Wars (Hans had his own ship.)
I'm in an (anticipated event mode) like mostly waiting till time to go to Randy and Shelia.
Wednesday May 15, 1991
5:50 EST
Dennis reads too much into T.S. He thinks it belongs in...
Friday May 24, 1991
3:20 EST
WhiteWater Falls. I have been here since twelve or so. Listened to Dennis's music and tape. Wrote (tried to) some on the "Dragon Chase" but it is not going like I feel. I have tried to make it into something it is not. (glamorized it). So now I dont know what to write. It was suppose to be about the rock concert dragon but it is not.
When I look at the trees and view the horzion, I feel good. My mind roams the world (space and time) and I feel good. But when I try to write about the dragon, I feel bad. Oh yes, there is a faint scent of the ocean in the air.
Saturday Jun 1, 1991
4:40 EST AM
Huddle House. The reason why I'm wide awake at 2:00 EST is that I told Earl I'm leaving the company. Madden is going to hurt (already has) a lot of people in order to make his $10 million profit, 3% wage increases (use to be 4%) which was bad to start with, replace family men with handicapped people to save a few dollars (maybe that's not so bad, I dont know). So I've bascially gotten mad and I'm leaving.
I did practice my guitar before coming here, 3:00 EST, solo jam session.
Wednesday Jun 5, 1991
5:30 EST
Pizza Inn. Have just been to the doctor, got 4 months of pills. This is good, I have almost become accustom to the thought (future reality) of not working. [young Christain me, high schoolers, praying over their food in a public place.] And I've got the happy pills to boot. I think the thought just occurred. I feel good about leaving the company because people are paying attention to me, but after I leave I will be alone just like always and the bad feelings will return.
Friday Jun 7, 1991
6:45 EST
Carolina Creme. The first week of the last four is now over. Danny begins at Anderson next week so 'they' had their Pizza Inn lunch for them. Me thinks "they" should not have one for me. I dont know 'them' and 'they' dont know me,so I dont want 'it'.
{{ What will I do when the money is gone and I cant get a good job? }}
Saturday Jun 8, 1991
2:00 EST
Glassy Mtn. So this is what it will be like to sit here and ponder old thoughts and feeling but knowing I wont have to go back to work some Monday.
Monday Jun 10, 1991
5:40 EST
Carolina Creme. I have this problem witht he time after work and before bed time this 5 - 8 time frame. I dont feel like staying home but dont really want to go any where either. Partly cause I dont like the way "Chase the Dragon" is going, it's too predictable, the usual "bad end drug use" story. (riches to rags story). And I dont like sitting here any more either.
Friday Jun 14, 1991
6:00 EST
Huddle House. Two weeks from now, I will be jobless. No more Ryobi (Singer). What will it truly be like? This week has been a hassle, the new computers, extra serial port doesnt work and nothing I've tryed fixed it. Decided that it's broke so there. That has caused me to get behind with programming again. Now I wont have all the HP stuff running on IBMs. But so what -- after next fortnight it wont be my problem anymore.
Saturday Jun 15, 1991
7:20 EST
Carolina Creme. I worked today. Did some programming, Gateway people called and fixed the serial port (Procom s/w problem).
Wendesday June 19, 1991
5:10 EST
Pizza Inn. At Car. Creme, Manly came in and after a few minutes we greeted each other. He sat with me and we talked a little (very little) two people of few words. Anyway, no use of GP in EHS paper, he says next year when he is editor. The Kids were still at the Beach. Reference to EHS kids, with Bad Reps. No diff from any other HS kid I commented. But all that was last Saturday.
Seven days to go. This weekend will be my last for haveing to go to work after Sunday. Then the last days of Ryobi.
Friday Jun 21, 1991
5:45 EST
Carolina Creme. IT'S SUMMER TIME '91
My thoughts are about guiting work. Next week will be my last. And I will probably miss the attention. The quiquote for today was about how nice people are to you when you are going away. ((Such a coincidence.))
This time next week, I will be a free man again.
I'm too tense to think or write. Martha and her girl friends went to Hilton Head this weekend. "You're Dennis, You're Dennis arent you?" the young lady said. When will the women say, "You're Jerry. You're Jerry arent you?" or "You're Jerry the TK."
Wednesday Jun 26, 1991
6;10 EST
Carolina Creme. Have just been to Dennis's. Mom had Village Part mix some more paint, she called at home ( I had gotten off a little early and the thought of "no contact" for this evening crossed my mind) for me to pick it up so that's why I'm here. Decided I should drive by just to see if Dennis was home. Mostly the usual talk.
Thursday and Friday left. What will it be like. It seems so easy to just walk away from a job.
Friday June 28, 1991
5:00 EST
WhiteWater Falls. I am here! I'm a free man again! No longer do I work for Ryobi or Singer! I am a free man!
Friday June 28, 1991
8:10 EST
Huddle House. I'm going to eat a breakfst tonight too. I'm going to eat extra food today too.
Got down to Hwy 11 and started to trun left, toward home, but the thought occurred go find where Sean lives. I did. Stopped at Reese Cafe where you turn to go back up into the hills. Asked directions, cross the highway two lefts and a right. I think I did three lefts, the last one before Cherokee Church. He parked his truck on the road too. So it was easy to find. Thought I saw Barbar too, walking along the road. Anyway I know where Sean lives, "If it swells, ride it."
I think I shall try the "Campfire" story again. Maybe, since I finished "Chase the Dragon" I'll be able to focus on it better.
Monday July 1, 1991
1:35 EST
WhiteSide Mtn NC. It is different! I've sat here before and felt the same feeling of being a world traveler, discovering great places to be. But it is different this time! I know I dont have to go back to Ryobi (Singer). I'm free of that burden. I'm free to do what I want when I want. It is different this time and I like it!
2:45 EST.. Where the repellers use to repell. It's really great! Another view point from the same place (almost) To be on the SouthSide of the fence (the other free side of the fence) to see the rains coming, headed this way. Or be about the trees so far below. It will be soon when the rains get here. (pause to talk a bit with some passerby) For the four and half years I've been to this mountain, this is another first.
4:00 EST. Atop a mountain beneath an Umbrella in the rain.