The Past Master Club - SEER'S JOKES (cont'd) - © 1981 "Look LOIS, there is the car that was responsible for the accident that killed us?" After turning around, she replied, "Yes CLARK and that is the same driver waving at us." "LOIS, next time you have an earache, please go home instead of picking the phone up before it rings!" There was a young girl named Miss Bright, Who could travel much faster than light, She departed one day, In an Einsteinian way, And came back the previous night! - ANON - "Now that is fortune telling at its finest!" - "Who can't take a guarantee like that!" - "Wish fulfillment? I THINK SO!" - It's a good thing that on reflection light never   left the lightbulb! - Einstein should have called the light bulb 'perpetual motion'! - Why do some people call it a disaster or a 'blackout'????   Could it be the price!!!!! It takes an 'Einstein' to put a joke like that thru! An old dillema was the real route to the orient. Paid seers get caught by fortune hunters. A horse's prediction determines the fate of the bettors at a horse rase. A horse race is won by the horse's nose - according to GHOSTS; and not the horse's mouth - according to the bookies! It's predicted that the first alien will have a tail, because it's the only story we'll be able to believe. The 1st alien will probably predict that you'll be the next alien. If random motion in space is an (anti)clockwise swirl, then anything that moves like that must be an ALIEN; this must include every bird that soars in our skies; every glider looking for a lift from HOT air; and every criminal, heading for the electric chair, trying to talk circles around a judge! I'D LIKE TO THINK OF MIND READING AS RERUNS OF WHICH ANIMALS HAVE THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF, SO MANY THAT THEY'VE FORGOTEN 'THE NOW', 'THE PRESENT', AND SO HAVE STOPPED TALKING! - IT IS NOT A MEASUREMENT OF PERSONAL WORTH. ISN'T IT SATAN'S PROMISE TO LET YOU DO YOUR LIFE OVER AGAIN TO ESCAPE THE FATE OF HELL. FAT LOT OF GOOD IT WILL DO IF HE EXPECTS NOTHING BUT RERUNS! If YOU CAN MIND READ SOMEONE IN FRONT OF YOU, WITH A KILLER IN THE MIDDLE, THEN THERE IS NO REASON THAT YOU CAN'T MIND READ ANYONE IN JAPAN OR IN THE MILKYWAY! - BUT IS HE ASLEEP AND DREAMING OR BETTER YET SLEEPWALKING OR IS HE HAVING A RERUN. IF THE TONGUE IS A SYMBOL OF SATAN'S WORM AND IS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM, EVEN ANIMALS, (SOME ARE QUITE LONG AND CURVATEOUS) THEN STICKING YOUR TONGUE OUT MUST MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANIMAL! - IS THERE NO ABSOLUTE DEFINITION FOR AN ANIMAL (SATAN)? - EVER WONDER WHY WOMAN WANT TO BE PRICKS: BECAUSE THEY'RE CALLED TITS! - IF STICKING ONE'S TONGUE OUT IS THE DEFINITION FOR AN ANIMAL THEN THE STEAMY DOG'S TONGUE IS 'IT'! - IF DOG IS GOD SPELLED BACKWARDS WE CAN'T EXPECT GOD TO STICK OUT HIS TONGUE! - IS THE TONGUE A MEASURING STICK! - DOESN'T IT REMIND ONE OF SKIPING FLAT STONES IN THE LAKE! - 'SKIP TOO MY LOO' WOULDN'T IT BE SOMETHING IF JOGGERS RUNNING AROUND THE PARK IS TRYING TO QUALIFY FOR BEING 'IN THE AIR' WITH EACH TROT AND THUS TURNING INTO ... GODS! THE CHURCH LIKES TALKING IN TONGUES & ESPERANTO MIGHT BE SIN FREE, BUT BRAIL IS STILL OVER MY HEAD EVEN IF IT IS UNDER THEIRS! WIGGLY WORMS MAKE ENDS MEET, IS THAT WHY WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING ENDS MEET WITH A STRAIGHT LINE! TREES CAN'T MAKE ENDS MEET, BUT DO THEY NEED AN ORGANIZATION TO STOP LOGGING TO END A FEW ENDS! TREES MIGHT PRODUCE OXYGEN, BUT THEY ALSO PRODUCE CARBON-DIOXIDE - A HEAVY ODORLESS INCOMBUSTIBLE GAS. IS THE SECRET OF PHOTOSYNTHESIS A TREE'S MEASURE OF COPYRIGHTING POTENTIAL ALONG WITH THE PERFUME COMPANIES - WHAT A GAS IS MOSS THE SYMBOL OF A TREE'S GENIUS TO POINT NORTH! THE TREE WAS THE GARDEN OF EDEN'S FOCUS POINT, SO IS IT A SYMBOL OF SATAN'S BACKBONE AND WAS IT STICKING ITS TONGUE OUT IN THOSE DAYS BEFORE THE SERPENT LEFT IN DEFEAT? WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD HAD UNLIMITED RIGHTS TO YOUR MIRROR AND TALKED INTO IT AND THROUGH IT WHILE DREAMING. NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A DREAMY LOOK IN THE MIRROR, TAKE A GOOD LOOK;IT MIGHT NOT REALLY BE YOU! THE MIRROR ISN'T THE IMAGE THAT OTHERS SEE; TRY COMBING YOUR HAIR NEXT TIME YOU'RE INFRONT OF A TV MONITOR. PRETEND TO TALK TO SOMEONE IN JAPAN WHILE LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR. IF YOU CAN'T LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR PERHAPS YOU'RE AT PAR WITH A VAMPIRE. DON'T THINK OF MIRAGES AS ESCAPISM: THE JEWS OWN THE CENTRE LINE ON EVERY ONE OF THEM - EVEN IN THE DESERT! - IF YOU'RE A MIRAGE THEY ARE LOOKING FOR YOU! THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO OWN SWIMMING POOLS AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO SWIM IN THEM. IT WOULD SEEM THAT THEY LIVE AND PLAY TOGETHER - AN AREA SPECIALY MADE FOR THE SOCIABLE OR EXTROVERTED ELITE! - BOSSES WITH RICH SLAVES WHO HAVE SOLD THEIR KIDS DOWN THE DRAIN! - BEAUTIFUL POOL ATTENDANTS TO ATTRACT THE UNWARY! - THE RICH NEED ALL THAT MONEY TO BUY KIDS TO DO ALL THOSE ODD JOBS THAT REQUIRE OODLES OF MOOLA! IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THINGS COME TOGETHER UNDER PRESSURE PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GRAB THE WATER DRAIN/OUTLET AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SWIMMING POOL UNTIL YOU THINK OTHERWISE. - AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T SWIM. YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT THEY LIVE TOGETHER! I'D LIKE TO THINK OF A SQUIRREL AS AN ALIEN WITH VERY DEXTEROUS HANDS AND A TINY LITTLE SPACE SHIP WHICH CAN'T BE SCALED UP WITH ITS POWER SOURCE. THEY SEEM VERY SECRETIVE AND LEAVE THEIR FOOD ON THE ROOF IN PLAIN SIGHT AS IF OFFERING OR SAYING PEANUTS! SOMEONE SHOULD MEASURE THEIR LEAP AGAINST A KANGAROO; YOU'D NEVER HAVE ONE JUMPING AROUND IN YOUR LIVING ROOM; COULD IT BE USING A POWER PACK! THEY ARE VERY POLITE AND SHY AS IF TRAINED BY A JAPANESE! IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO TRAIN IT TO JUMP ON A UFO FROM THE TREE TOPS! - IT MIGHT STILL A LOT OF BLUEBOOK DOUBTS! - UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S LOST ITS UFO KEY! - DID IT DRIVE A FLYING SQUIRREL BATS! IF DOGS CAN SMELL EVERYTHING AND ID EVERYTHING AS POLICE OFFICERS CREDIT THEM WITH THEN MAYBE THE 'DOG-NOSE' SHOULD BE A SYMBOL OF A MAN'S BEDROOM DOOR KNOB - AS OPPOSED TO THROWING A BOOT AT A MEOWING CAT! AND IF DOGS SPORT A RING AROUND THEIR EYE AS SOME CARTOONS DO THEN MAYBE IT'S SAYING KNOCK MY EYES OUT. BUT IF IT'S FORTUNETELLING OR MIND READING, DOG OWNERS ARE IN TROUBLE. IF A DOG DARED YOU TO WALK ON THIN ICE WOULD IT BE BECAUSE OF ITS WEIGHT OR BETTING PROBLEMS - HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO? DOGS MAY BE A SYMBOL OF 'SUPER-EGO': HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THE COMPLAINT OF A SMALLER DOG ATTACKING A LARGER DOG! - WHAT ELSE COULD FREUD HAVE HAD IN MIND; RING A BELL. - IF IT'S BREATH LOOKS LIKE STEAM IT IS STEAM AND SHOULD BE CHARGED 'IN HEAT'& SMOG TOO MAY BE DOG-BREATH AS WELL AS DOG-ODOR! IF DOGS COULD ADD UP THEIR WEIGHT IN WASTE ON CITY STREETS IT WOULD COME TO A BIG BLOB OF TAR - ARE THEY PAVING OUR WAY OR THEIR OWN OR AN ALIEN'S OR IS IT A DOG'S WAY OF SCARING THE SNAKES AWAY; LAID END TO END IT PROBABLY EQUALS THE EQUATOR? - DONT THEY MAKE YOU THINK IT'S CHOCOLATY? THE SHULTZS WATCHED PRISON CAMP ESCAPEES (HIS SNAKES) EXCERCISE THEIR HORSE: - IS THAT WHAT DOG OWNERS ARE DOING LETTING SOME SORT OF MONSTER ESCAPE AS A WITNESS TO THEIR OWN FOLLY? IT'S DISGUSTING TO WATCH OWNERS PICKING UP AFTER THEIR DOG - CAN'T THEY DO IT OUT OF SIGHT OR DOES IT TURN BOTH OF THEM ON? ALL THE PARKS ARE FULL OF 'NO DOGS ALLOWED' SIGNS BUT ALSO DOGS! I LIKE THINKING OF THE PANTING DOG AS A VOLKSWAGON'S DRIPPY EXHAUST AND ITS WAGGING TAIL AS THE CAR'S LOOSE STEERING WHEEL! - PERHAPS VOLKSWAGONS ARE REALLY GOING BACKWARDS IN MORE WAYS THAN 1! - ON THIS HAND A DUMB DOG IS A NEW ENTITY READY FOR REBIRTH AND THE JOY OF POOPING! - IT IS 'GOD' SPELLED BACKWARDS - AGAIN! PERSONALLY I LIKE THE IDEA (OR ACT) OF THROWING A BOOT AT A CAT FOR MEOWING ON SOME BACKYARD FENCE - IT ADDS CHARACTER TO 'WILD AND FREE' FELINES. BURYING ITS OWN WASTE IS A NICE CLEAN HABIT FOR A WILD FURRY PURRING PET. KATNIP SEEMS TO GIVE CATS THEIR HERETAGE AND POVIDES MORE QUESTIONS THAN IT ANSWERS. OR, PILOTS SHOULD WELCOME DOG OWNERS ONBOARD TO CLAIM THE DOG'S TONGUE AS AN AIRPLANE PROPELLER IN HEAT! SNAKE OWNERS SHOULD HAVE MORE FUN WALKING THEIR SNAKE WITH DOG OWNERS; THEY CERTAINLY SMELL THE SAME AND ARE JUST AS LONG! - AND ARE JUST AS FAR SIGHTED IN READING 'NO DOGS ALLOWED!'! ONE PERSON'S MEAT IS ANOTHER'S POISON. ITS A GOOD THING THAT EVERYONE BELIEVES THAT THEY'RE WALKING A NARROW PATH AND THAT IT TAKES A CHRISTIAN TO UNDERSTAND THAT A HERETIC'S PATH IS THE WIDE ONE. BUT THERE'S A LOT OF ROOM (OR ROADWAY) FOR ANGELS TO SAVE PEOPLE INTO 'IN' FROM S'IN'! IF IT'S EASIER TO SAVE PEOPLE THEN SURELY ANOTHER ANGEL TURNING INTO A SATAN ISN'T POSSIBLE. MAYBE HE WAS TIRED OF WORKING AND/OR LORD'S JOBS LOOKED TOO SIMPLE TO TURN DOWN! IT WOULD SERTAINLY BE MORE DIFFICULT TO CONVERT NONCHRISTAINS IF THEIR MIND KEPT ON REFERING TO THE OLD ROUTE. KEEP IT SIMPLE BUT NOT TOO SIMPLE - A. EINSTEIN. - REALY SMART FOR A GENIUS WHO IDOLIZED THE PENDULUM FORMULA: E= MGH = MV2. I AM SURE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD NOT WANT TO BE RIDICULED BY A TAPE RECORDER OR DVD WHEN THEY GET BACK INTO HEAVEN! - ALTHOUGH THERE WILL PROBABLY BE A FEW WHO WOULD 'TAR & FEATHER' A REVEREND FOR THE SAME REASON ONCE THEY GET BACK INTO HEAVEN! IT IS A GOOD THING THAT PSYCHIATRISTS BELIEVE THE BOOKS THAT STATE A MADMAN'S INSANITY TO WRAP THEM UP AND DISPOSE OF THEM WITH DISCRETION; BECAUSE THEY'LL BE FOREVER TRYING TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE AS SANE AS ANYONE ELSE! - I DONT THINK THEY HAVE THAT TIME LIMIT! IF PSYCHIATRISTS COULD CONVINCE NUTS THEY'RE ON THE RIGHT ROAD THEY'D NOT ONLY LOOSE THEIR JOB, THEY WOULDN'T BE NEEDED! NOT LIKE DOCTORS WHO COULD GIVE YOU ENDLESS PERSCRIPTIONS WITH A POSSIBLE LESS-ONE-RAISE ON THE NEXT ONE. - IF ONLY PLACEBOS DIDN'T WORK, THEY'D NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT! FOR ALL THE PEOPLE SAYING: "I HAD A DREAM!" THERE IS A PSYCHIATRIST SAYING "AND I HAD A MILLION NIGHTMARES PER NIGHT!". FOR ALL THE JOKES ON EXES: IT'S THE FEMALE THAT SEEMS TO BE TAKING THE GREATEST PRIDE IN DRAWING A HORIZONTAL LINE THRU THE WORD 'HELP-MATE'! - IF SHE EVER HELD IT! I'D LIKE TO THINK OF CRETE AS ATLANTIS AND THAT IT HAS AN UPSIDEDOWN PSYCHOLOGY, IDEAL FOR AN ISLAND OF UNCLES. - CON-CRETE EVIDENCE: MICHAEL VENTRI'S LINEAR B TRANSLATION OF CRETIAN CLAY TABLETS, IN CODEBREAKER: WHENEVER ANYONE WRITES A LETTER HE INDENTS THE FIRST LINE AND TRIES TO SHRINK THE LAST LINE IN ORDER TO GET IT ALL ON ONE SHEET. I DON'T THINK THE PEOPLE OF ANCIENT CRETE WERE ANY DIFFERENT (A LITTLE MORE OBVIOUS IN CLAY); ON THIS PREMISE HE'S TRANSLATED HIS LIST OF BROKEN JUNK UPSIDEDOWN. UPSIDEDOWN: IT SEEMS TO TRANSLATE AS A FAMILY HERATAGE OF THREE GENERATIONS AND PROBABLY A NOBLE FAMILY TREE OR A CAREFULL FAMILY PLANNING MESSAGE (FOR UNCLES?) - TODAY'S PLAYBOY PERHAPS. Perhaps upside down it is 'The Lost Island Of Atlantis'! ONE THING I'D LIKE TO DO IS TO SPRAY ALL THE PEBBLES AROUND SATURN WITH PURE CRYSTAL CLEAR ICE TO MAKE IT THE LARGEST SINGLE OPTICAL MAGNIFYING LENSE IN OUTER-SPACE. - AND THEN, WHEN EVERYTHING IS READY, DIVE DOWN TOWARDS ITS CENTER AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT, IN A SPACE CRUISER, AND WATCH MYSELF SPLIT INTO MILLIONS OF DUPLICATES AS THE LENSE CAPTURES ME AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT AND BENDS ME AROUND SATURN REPELLING ME INTO THE COSMOS AT TRIPLE THE SPEED OF LIGHT, GIVE OR TAKE A FEW CLICKS, AS I ACCELERATE TOWARD THE NEAREST PLANET A FEW MONTHS AWAY AT SATURNUS SPEED! I LOVE TO THINK OF SATURN AS A PLANET SPLIT IN TWO BY SOME CALAMITY WITH ITS ENTIRE GUTS OR CORE SPRAYED INTO ITS HALO! - THE VAN CANYON! - WITH ALL ITS WATER FROZEN AT ITS CORE AND CREATING A 'VAN CANAL' SUPPORTING ITS ENTIRE DISK/RING SYSTEM WITH A HOLLOW CORE! - WITH WATER BONDING OR AMPLIFYING MAGNETISM CREATING THE STRONGEST MAGNETIC FIELD IN A PLANE FILLED WITH CORE MATERIAL! - JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO USE ALL THAT PRESSURE! - A GEOLOGIST'S DREAM IN STRATA? - A GRAVITY ENGINE PLANITARY IN SIZE! PERHAPS ALL THAT RING MASS IS SUPPORTED AT THE PLANET'S INVISIBLE NULL GRAVITY POINT, BUT WHAT EVER IT IS, IT SURE IS VISIBLE AND SHOULD BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY SOME SORT OF GRAVITY CLASS! - IF A SIZEMOGRAPH WERE TO BE LOCATED ANYWHERE IT SHOULD BE THERE! - IT MAY BE GRAVITY'S MOST PERFECT CD! - IT CAN'T SOUND WORSE THAN THE WHALES! <-- NOTICE THE CLOUDS or SNOW or SANDSTORM! A ROOSTERS'S TAIL, CREATED BY A NEAR COLLISION WITH A PLUTO LIKE ASROID, WORN LIKE A HALO AFTER EONS OF PLANETARY ROTATIONS AND EVOLUTIONS! WOULD HALEY'S COMET HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT! ONE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE A BLOND HAIR CAME FROM! ARE ASTROIDS BULLETS FROM OUTER SPACE! I'D LIKE TO THINK OF A BLACKHOLE AS A SIGN OF LIFE! - PEOPLE IN A FRYING PAN! POLARIS THE UMBILICAL CORD INTO THE GIANT BALLOON! - THE WHOMB OF HUMANITY! - THE INCUBATOR BEFORE BIRTH! ONLY DUMBELLS WOULD SHRINK TO SUCH AN IDEA! HASN'T 'THE PARKING LIGHTS' AWOKEN ENOUGH PEOPLE THAT WE'RE LIVING IN A FRYING PAN! PHILOSOPHY? LIFE IS LIKE A NEVER ENDING BOUNCING CORK: SOMETIMES SWEPT UP BY SOME SORT OF BREAKTHROUGH AND SOMETIMES BUTTED UP AGAINST AN INVISIBLE OBSTACLE. - SURPASSED BY FLYING FISH TRAPPED BY LARGER SAILS! WORMS CAN MAKE ENDS MEET, PERHAPS THAT IS WHY ONE HAS SUCH A HARD TIME STAYING WITHIN ONE'S ALLOWANCE AND STAYING WORM/ACNE FREE. - SATAN'S ANGEL, THE WORM, MUST BE ROLLING IN DOUGH! - THERE MUST BE A HOLE IN THE WALL FOR EVERY WORM TO MAKE A BREAKTHROUGH! WAR BABIES MUST BE MEASURING OUR LIFE AGAINST A FOX HOLE WITH RUNNING WATER: OUR FOREFATHERS HAVE ALL BEEN IN THE WAR AND WAR THREATENS ALL AROUND US EVEN IN THIS MODERN DAY AND AGE OF THE 'SPACE AGE'! WHILE THE SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WITH ACES UP THEIR SLEEVES, ARCHITECTS, MAKE THE SMALLEST TOILETS THAT ONE CANNOT EVEN TURN ARROUND IN; WITH DOORS THAT SWING 'IN' INSTEAD OF 'OUT' - TO HIT IT'S DESIGNERS! - SOME MULI-TOILETS LOOK AS IF THEY HAVE BEEN DESIGNED FOR A FLU EPIDEMIC! - THE CN TOWER TOILETS LOOK AS IF YOU COULD LIVE IN THEM! - ALL TOILETS SHOULD BE INVALID SIZED!!!!!! - ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TURN THE SCREWS AROUND FOR SOME RICH EGOTISTS! - I HOPE THAT THEY TURN INTO CHEFS: SO THEY CAN HOLLER 'OFF WITH THEIR HEADS' WITH EVERY DEHEADED-ENTRE! MINDREADING? WOULDN'T IT BE TERRIBLE IF FORTUNE TELLING IS SIMPLY SOME FORM OF MIND READING! YOU WOULD HAVE TO LINE UP ALL THE ANIMALS OR INSECTS FROM POINT 'A' TO 'B' AND CALL EACH ONE A DIFFERENT VERSION LIKE VERS1, VERS2, VERS3, ... VERSN+2. AND TO GET AN UNPOLUTED MIND READING OR FORTUNE TELLING WOULD REQUIRE THE DESTRUCTION OF EVERY THING BETWEEN POINTS 'A' AND 'B' A MEDITATING MONK HAS ONLY HIMSELF AT POINTS 'A' AND 'B'! WHAT IF SLEEPING IS MIND READING, THEN HALF THE EARTH COULD BE ENJOYING YOUR LEASURELY STROLL - OR NIGHTMARISH STROLL AND INFLUENCING YOUR FUTURE - WHILE PRACTICING YOUR STROLL! - WHAT IF VERS3 IS A SLEEPWALKER! - WHAT IF NONE OF YOUR ASSUMED VERSIONS INCLUDE A HYPNOTIST WHO HAPPENS TO BE LOOKING AT YOUR PROGRESS, IN SECRET! WILL WE SUFFER IF WE'RE ALL HYPNOTIZED TO BREATH IN CARBON DIOXIDE AND ENJOY A SHORTER LIFESPAN! BEFORE CHRIST'S RESSURRECTION, 900 YRS. OLD WAS THE NORM! - AFTER ALL, THE IDEA IS TO GET INTO HEAVEN, BEFORE SIN CATCHES UP WITH YOU! - ARE YOU EVEN STANDING IN LINE! - ARE YOU GOING TO BE 'TOASTED' FOR WHAT YOU WERE TRAINED FOR! WHAT STOPS DIRECTORS FROM CONFUSING ALL HIS CUSTOMERS WITH A DIFFERENT VERSION IN EACH THEATRE! - I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THEY MAKE THOUSANDS OF TAKES PER SCENE! - WHAT IF YOU DONT FEEL NORMAL AGAIN UNTIL YOU SEE THE TV VERSION (ie. RERUNS) FOR FREE! MAIN MENU | HOME PAGE | |