The Story of Joshua Alexander Shillito Our littlest Angel Joshua ... Ohhhhh how you are loved and missed! You were with us for such a short time that we still have difficulty holding back the tears each time we remember your so short stay with us. Each day brings gentle reminders of your dear sweet face and of the angelic time you were able to spend with us. You were the miracle in our lives and we feel so blessed to have been able to know you for the time we did. I miss holding you and kissing your sweet baby face. We will never forget you ... sweet son. When we see a glittering of sunlight through the darkening clouds ... we will think of you and send you as many kisses and hugs as there are stars in the Heavens. We love you! The Pregnancy Joshua had been a very difficult pregnancy. He was my eighth pregnancy and only my third child to reach 20 weeks gestation. I worried everyday. I was a "high risk" pregnancy ... as I had prematurely delivered my older son (3 yrs) at 32 weeks and my daughter (1 yr) very early at 27 weeks. Both were now healthy and happy children ... we were blessed! But I still worried excessively with the pain of 5 miscarriages (one with twins) and 2 premature births (1 only months earlier) still fresh in my heart. Every week I completed was a small victory won. I counted obsessively against the days towards a safe delivery. I remember hitting the crucial 25 weeks, when babies could survive outside of the womb and breathed a sigh of relief ... but prayed harder! At 26 weeks, during a weekly doctor's appointment I explained the pulling I felt in my lower abdomen and the extreme fullness I felt. My doctor assured me it was normal, since I had had a c-section only months previously. So I went home nervously ... and waited. But I knew something just wasn't right. The heavy feeling in my abdomen wouldn't go away and the baby was moving around so much I lost my breath occasionally. I went to bed on November 5th feeling full. I hadn't been able to eat much as I felt so full. I knew the baby was big for his gestation ... my doctor had put me on a special diet to help the baby gain as much fat as it could because of the very real possibility of an early delivery. I thought ... more hoped ... that this was the feeling I was having. I remember praying a lot that night. But, my heart told me something was wrong. I woke around 1 am with a heavy and excruciating pain in my chest and abdomen. I tried to get up. It took some time but I painfully moved into the living room while my husband quickly dressed to take me to the hospital. Something was very wrong. I was sweating and shaking badly. I was afraid of going into respiratory failure as I had the year earlier when pregnant with my daughter ... I came within a whisper of dying that time and wasn't anxious to repeat the process. I had ended up on life-support that time and delivered her via c-section at 27 weeks to save both our lives. I thought the same thing was happening and I was never more scared. I tried to steady my very rapid breathing and found that I couldn't really move my arms and the pain squeezed my chest. I felt overwhelmingly dizzy and collapsed to the floor unable to even cry out. My husband called 911 and quickly got our neighbour to come over to look after our two older children, still asleep in their rooms. The pain was beyond anything I could handle and I couldn't see properly. My neck and shoulders hurt, as did my chest. Ambulance attendants came quickly and after hearing the details, looked gravely at Glenn and told him they had to move me NOW ... before they could even finish assessing me as they were losing my pulse and my oxygen levels were extremely low. I remember very little after that. I do remember that I arrived at the hospital and was taken immediately up to Labour and Delivery. They did an ultrasound and assessed the baby to be 26 weeks and 2 days gestation and actively moving ... with the heart beating steady. I remember breaking down with relief at that moment. They were able then to give me drugs to ease the pain. Suddenly they discovered another problem. Fluid (blood?) was building up in my body and they couldn't find out why or where it was coming from. They didn't think it was my uterus as the fluid levels were normal and there didn't seem to be anything amiss with the baby. They were worried about me going into respiratory failure, as my body doesn't tolerate pregnancy well. They decided to put me on a ventilator ... just in case. My blood pressure was only 60/32 and getting lower. My heart began to speed up and my temperature was at 104. Things were NOT good. Another ultrasound, a short time later, showed the baby was tolerating whatever was happening in my body well. Its heart rate was steady and it was moving happily ... even sucking its thumb. They decided to wait and see. I was checked every few hours and as nothing was changing too much, decided to just relax. About 14 hours after I arrived at the hospital, I remember waking with sharp chest pains and I couldn’t feel my body. I wasn't sure if it was the drugs they gave me to kind of "paralyse" me or what. I couldn't breath ... even with the ventilator. I managed to alert my nurse. One look at me and she screamed for the doctors STAT! I don't remember anything after the look on her face ... but I will NEVER forget the look of sheer terror she wore. I must have lost consciousness after that. His Birth What I learned had happened was that in the early morning of November 7th, my uterus blew apart. What had been happening in me was that slowly ... over a period of weeks, my uterus had been tearing along my previous c-section, then it actually "blew" apart ripping my uterus, bladder and part of my intestines apart. When the doctors opened me up to do an emergency c-section, they found the disastrous conclusion to their questions. I had blood everywhere and there was nothing they could do but deliver the baby, perform a hysterectomy and repair the damage to my internal organs. I eventually, through it all, needed more than 8 units of blood and 2 blood transfusions during a 4-hour operation. I was in critical condition. Our second son, Joshua Alexander, was delivered at 8:08 a.m. on November 7th, 1999. Once removed from me he was quickly handed over to the specialists who began to work on saving him. They began to resuscitate him quickly. They suctioned Joshua' s lungs, intubated him, transfused 4 units of blood and shot him up with adrenaline 5 times ... all the while performing CPR and "bagging". They continued doing everything modern medicine had from steroids to caffeine to stabilize him. Finally our small son was somewhat stabilized ... enough to be moved to the NICU. He weighed 2 lbs 2 ozs and was 15 inches long ... a "big" boy for 26 weeks! Just as he was settled into the unit he began to have problems again. Something else appeared to be wrong. Every time they fixed one problem, another seemed to arise. They got him stabilized once again ... heart rate steady and his blood pressure under control when he developed a cord haemorrhage and began to bleed out. Meanwhile, Joshua had already lost so much blood for his tiny body. The doctors tried to transfuse his own blood back into him and even did a "cord tie-off" at a lower point to control the haemorrhage, but they couldn't stop the bleeding. Joshua no longer had a blood pressure and his heart wasn't beating properly anymore. There was nothing further they could do. He had lost too much blood during the rupture and with the haemorrhage on top of everything else ... it was the end for our valiant little fighter. Since I was still in surgery, Glenn went to meet our son alone. Joshua was still on the ventilator and looked as though he might be okay ... as our daughter had been hooked up to the same machines and had turned out fine. But when he questioned the nurse, she assured him that everything had been done and he was only "alive" by the machines now ... and just until we said our good-byes. Joshua ...really ... had already died. His Death Our infant son died at 10:31 a.m., only a few hours after birth, due to a uterine rupture and a cord haemorrhage ... on his record of death, his cause of death is listed as "delivery complications" ... essentially meaning our baby bled to death. I never got to see Joshua before he died. I know he was surrounded by love as he slowly slipped away being held by Glenn. But I still wish I could have just met him briefly before he went to Heaven to become the youngest of our 7 angels. I know his brothers and sisters met him and welcomed him to their circle with much love, but it still hurts. Glenn was sitting next to me when I woke up. I remember taking one look at him and knew something wasn't right. He was shaking and pale. He told me that the doctors not only had to perform a c-section to deliver our son, but that our beautiful baby had just died ... only a few hours after his birth. He had lost too much blood. I remember thinking I wasn't hearing him right ... the baby had been fine minutes before the surgery. We had had premature babies before ... surely ...... He just shook his head and cried. I knew then it was over. Meeting Joshua and saying good-bye After I was settled into my hospital room, thankfully away from other new mothers, I was still sobbing when a nurse brought my sweet son to me all wrapped up in a nice warm blue blanket. My little angel looked so peaceful and innocent, totally unaware of the heartbreaking circumstances of his death and of the impact he has forever engraved in my life. I flooded his little face with kisses as the initial wave of sobbing hit. I couldn't breath and my heart felt like it was going to burst ... of course it was broken. My sweet baby was such a "big boy" for all of the 2 lbs 2 ozs of him. I held him close and breathed in his scent. He smelled so fresh and clean, sort of like baby soap. A wonderfully kind nurse had bathed him and applied baby lotion to his soft skin. I will always be extremely thankful for that because I will always remember Joshua smelling so much like any other baby did. I kissed the top of his head. I laid him down on my lap and unwrapped him. His skin was slightly wrinkled but so soft. I brushed my hand across his dark hair then ran a finger down his nose. I smiled at little frowning eyebrows. He looked like any other baby did ... absolutely perfect to me. His little mouth was slightly open and I could swear I felt his breath on my hand when I touched his stilled cheek. I caught a sob in my throat. His lips were pursed together and he had a dimple in his left cheek ... just like his sister did. I looked at his tightly closed eyes and wondered what colour they were. I opened them and found them to be that hazy blue/grey infants are born with. I silently hoped they would have turned brown like mine. I next concentrate on his little button nose. It was so tiny and he had a slight flush running over his nose that spread across his cheeks. I will never forget his face. I could see so much of Glenn and myself in this little boy. My heart broke and I gulped for more air. I then turned him over. His little bum was so chubby and his legs were barely the width of my thumb. I turned him back over after finding a small birthmark on his back thigh ... just like me. I looked at his stomach which was a bit blue from the bleeding and he still had both the clip as well as the "tie-off" which was a bit lower. It didn't look as bad as I thought it could have. I had expected worse. I made a mental note to ask the nurse for his clip as a keepsake ... I needed everything I could to remember every bit of him. I ran my hand over Joshua's chest and tummy and felt his cooling skin, which was so soft. I just wanted to touch him and remember every part of him. I inspected him and found him to be everything I dreamed of. He was my angel. Then I saw his little feet ... those tiny toes. They were exactly like his daddy's feet with that short "big" toe. His was definitely his Daddy's Boy! I remember really crying at this point. I put my son's hands in mine and again marvelled at each tiny finger. I then put my finger into his right hand and watched as his fingers naturally curled around mine. I sobbed. It looked as though he was grabbing my finger. It was a totally involuntary movement, but imitated life so much it seemed impossibly real. Those little fingers were amazing to me. They were long and slender, slightly wrinkled and I couldn't stop staring at them. I don't know why, to this day, Joshua's fingers were so much a focal point for me then ... they just were. I wrapped him up then and carefully laid him against my chest. I remember not caring how hard I was crying and suddenly felt totally exhausted. I leaned back and fell into a deep sleep with Joshua against my chest. We stayed that way for hours. Later that night I returned Joshua to the nurse's gentle arms. I was so reluctant to let him go but she assured me that whenever I wanted him over the next few days, someone would bring him to me. I took advantage of that many times and am pleased I was able to spend so much time with him. I spent that first night crying in Glenn's arms, while we mourned the loss of our 7th child. I was in so much pain and my grief was beyond bearable ... but at least I "knew " my son now and felt comforted in that. I also know in my heart that he knew I was his mother and that I loved him very much. But I have regrets. I regret that I was still in surgery for the short time he was alive. I regret that we hadn't thought to take more pictures of him. I regret not being there when he needed me most. I love him and miss him. Now the only memories I have of him are during pregnancy. The soft kicks, gentle rolls, the need for grapefruit at 1 o'clock in the morning, the way he tenderly kicked to get my attention and the subtle silence of his peaceful dreams. I look at his pictures everyday and get Glenn to tell me everything over and over again of Joshua's so short life. I light a candle on the 7th of every month and I feel his presence in our house. We visit him every day and his “place”, in our backyard is surrounded by trees, flowers, angels and butterflies ... … and we miss him ... every single day of our lives! Please take a moment and sign Joshua's guestbook ~Thank You~