My Pregnant Life … Bittersweet Memories I first pregnant in October 1992 very quickly after deciding to begin our family. Our world shattered at 9 weeks with a miscarriage ... Zachary. I then decided to wait (I was afraid) for a while and didn't try again until September 1994. I again easily became pregnant and held on for only another 9 weeks ... Hannah. I was devasted. i didn't care what people were saying. I didn't want to hear that I would have more, that I was young, or that something must have been wrong with my babies. I hated hearing "Just move on." Another year went by and we tentatively tried and once again on the first try we became pregnant. I held my breath until week 12, when I had heard chances of miscarriage dropped. I had an uneventful pregnancy until 32 weeks. Suddenly I went into fast and furious labour. Nothing could stop it. The baby was transverse (sideways) and in distress. I was also 6 hours from the nearest hospital equipped to deal with deliveries earlier than 36 weks. I was air-lifted to a hospital where I gave birth to a 3 lb 10 oz boy ... Jared Christopher ... via c-section. He did wonderfully. He didn't require to be vented for more than 48 hours. We proudly took him home after a 28 day stay in the hospital weighing 4 lbs 10 oz. In January 1997 I became pregnant and had problems from that first day. At 9 weeks, we discovered that I was carrying twins. The doctors told me I had less than 10% chance of carrying them to 20 weeks. I prayed everyday. I began to heavily bleed, cramp and have seizures at 14 weeks. At an ultrasound at 15 weeks, we discovered that one of our twins had died and an infection set in. I delivered a tiny 11 oz boy ... Noah ... at 14 weeks 5 days. I held on to the hope that the other twin would survive. Doctors told me that if the other twin held on for 72 hours, it would look good for survival. one weeks and 1 day later, I went into labour and delivered a second tiny son ... Nate ..., whom struggled for the briefest of moments before passing away. After some testing, we discovered I had an RH incompatibilitiy and that was what was causing the problems. In our extreme sadness, we had answers and hope for the future. In November of 1997, I became pregnant again and miscarried ... Emma ... on New Year's Eve. I became pregnant again quickly and miscarried ... Abigail ... on my 27th birthday. Nothing could console me now, not my energetic son, Jared. People meant to be kind, but their words cut to my soul. I couldn't understand why my body hated me so much. I hating seeing pregnant women and didn't tell a soul when I suddenly became pregnant again. At 10 weeks morning sickness triggered off Glenn and we quietly told family and friends. At 12 weeks, I woke up one morning with that old familar tugging in my lower abdomen. I went into the ER and the doctor confirmed another miscarriage. Since I hadn't began to bleed, he thought it would be best to do a D&C to get rid of the tissue (my baby was refer to as tissue!). I agreed to that, but refused to talk about a hysterectomy, which he felt was a necessary move with my terrible obsetrical history. Before heading into the OR, they did a quick ultrasound only to discover a tiny heart beating away. My baby was fine! But the pain was terrible. Further exploration found a ruptured apendix! However, my elation lasted only minutes as the doctor told me that surgery was extremely risky for someone with not only my obsetrical history, but 12 weeks pregnant. I cried all the way to the operating room. I didn't dare hope. I didn't miscarry that day and as each day after that went on, I grew to hope. Every day I spent in the hospital with severe morning sickness, seizures, and migraines, I never once complained. My baby was alive and I would have put up with anything to deliver a safe baby. At 26 weeks my body gave up and I went into Pregnancy Induced Respiratory Failure. I needed to be put on life support to breath and keep my heart going. Infections set in and doctores finally told my husband that they needed to take our miracle baby to save my life ... I was going to die. At 27 weeks exactly, our 2 lb 7 oz daughter was born. She never took a breath on her own nor did she move voluntarily. Doctors decided to go ahead and put her on a ventilator so that when I was able to, we could at least say good-bye. I came out of my coma 5 days later and our daughter still hadn't moved nor had her condition changed any. Glenn and I went to the NICU to say good-bye. After looking at this tiny infant, so beautiful and fragile we decided to let her go. I placed my finger in to the palm of her right hand and watched in amazement as she closed her fist around my finger! Nobody could believe that she chose that exact moment to come out of her state. I believe it wasn't to say good-bye, but to tell us she was there ... fighting in her own way. We decided not to take her off the life-support and the doctors and nurses told us she would be blind, deaf, physically and mentally handicapped, suffer cerebral palsy, face extreme respiratory problems and probably ever only eat through a feeding tube. They continued to paint a horrible future for her and told us about parents that had chosen as we had only to regret it later when faced with a lifetime of looking after a "vegtable". We didn't care. they told us she would be hospitalized for at least 6 months and still required years of nursing care. She would be a burden. Aspen Brenna Elizabeth, the child everyone said was beyond hope was released from the hospital only 63 days after her birth and to the entire amazement of the hospital staff ... never showed any of the typical problems associated with extreme premature births. Aspen was assessed by our "Capital Health Region's Assessment Team" to be a "child of considerable intelligence ... at 24 months (corrected), she shows herself in an age bracket of 36 months". Our daughter was well beyond the intelligence of her age. However, our pregnancy story, of course, doesn't end there. When Aspen was 6 months old, I discovered I was pregnant again. I suffered through terrible problems again and at 26 weeks, delivered Joshua Alexander via c-section. Of course, Joshua only lived a short time, and for a long time I wanted to seek malpractice ... but I really believe that accidents happen ... doctors are oly human and people can only expect themselves to react as humans. We are not God, nor can we play God. It doesn't mean I don't miss Joshua terrible. I do. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my healing. After the hystectomy ... my pregnancy story now officially ends. I wish I could have another child ... but at the same time don't miss the horrible problems pregnancy has always given me. Doctors concluded that I have a rare condition associated with being pregnant. Simply put ... my body HATES being pregnant and treats the baby as an invader ... something to fight off. However, I have had the pleasure of knowing 9 beautiful children ... 7 of whom live in Heaven ... but will ever be forgotten. I love and miss them all! The death of my youngest son has left permanent scars on me and I will never get over his death. I miss him and the other children more than anyone can know. I have learned to take the gifts God has given me and now help other parents that have suffered through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I sit on the Board of Directors for The Compassionate Friends (a support group for bereaved parents) and am Editor of the newsletter "the next step". All this has helped me heal. I also spend time on the net reading stories, and find a sad companionship with those that have been brave enough to share their story. I find a blessing each day in my 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter. Getting my children hasn't been easy and there are some who haven't known the joys of parenting a child here on Earth and I feel for them. However, I still do count myself lucky ... and blessed. Pregnant with Joshua