I never thought it would end like this. Who knew that the best selling pop group, the Backstreet Boys, could be torn apart so easily, so violently? The world was ours - we had fame, money, popularity, and careers to last us a lifetime. We proved that we would make it several times over. Nothing could hold us back. We outlasted the competition, we set records and smashed them all over again.

One fight, that's all it took. I'm the one that found Nick's note. AJ, Howie, Brian and I were the ones to find his boat. AJ reacted first, he broke down just like Nick said he would. Brian calmly walked to the other side of the boat before grabbing anything not tied or braced to the deck and started slamming it into the water in a silent rage. Howie, being the only sensible, rationally thinking man on that boat called the Coast Guard and police, something I should have done. All I could do was wonder what exactly Jane had said to Nick to make him react the way he did. Well I found out REAL damn soon. Turned out that a clause in Nick's contract with his parents as his managers gave them an "allowance," enough to live on for the rest of their lives, as well as raise the other kids. When Nick found out about it from his lawyer he confronted Jane, who told him it was their compensation for raising him, and that the only way he'd be able to get out of it would be if they outlived him and his will left them out. She wouldn't tell us what she said about Charity, she said she was ashamed enough that she killed her oldest son. She wouldn't even tell Bob.

Well, as soon as Jane gave Nick motivation and solution he changed his will, leaving everything but a few small things to Charity, his fiancée, and drowned himself. That's how AJ, D, Rok and I found him, tied to his anchor in the ocean right behind his house.

So why am I writing all this? Because that was my undoing. Nick's death hit me harder than anybody thought it did. Only Kristin knows the truth. Or did, until now.

Charity, Kristin, guys, I am so sorry. For the group I carried this secret. I masked it with a promiscuous past, then a wife and child. I deceived and used people, lied to everyone including myself.

The truth is, Nick's death is my undoing because Nick was my life.

Years ago I fell in love with a scraggly 13 year old, about a year after I discovered that I was gay. I tried to deny it, and to stop myself from feeling this way I stepped into the father-figure/brother role. And there I stayed. Nick never knew, and couldn't know. Kristin found out on accident.

Kristin, we've discussed this before. I am truly sorry. Raise our child well, and make sure she knows Daddy always loved her, and always will. Tell her too that I regret not seeing her grow up, not seeing her develop into the beautiful young woman I know she will become. I love you both, always, from wherever I am.

To my brothers AJ, Howie, and Brian, please forgive me. I held this back so the Backstreet Boys would work and be successful. I wanted to at least tell you guys so many times but chickened out. Please go on and have families and be successful as solo artists or producers or songwriters. You can do it, I know you can, and your big brother will be rooting you along the path of Life. I love you guys.

Mama, all my apologies for not being a good son. I love you, and when you pass, please say hello to Dad for me and give him my love. I love you so much, and regret failing you like this.

Watching over all of you forever,

~Kevin

Chapter 3
Chapter 1
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