I never thought it could end like this. The details, while they should be fuzzy with time, are as clear as if it all happened yesterday. The joy, the hardship, brotherhood, and pain. Resentment builds through even the good times. If I had realized when I was 8, 10, or 13 that my life would end this way, I would have made some different choices. I would have gotten out of TransCon sooner, I would have discouraged Aaron and Leslie and even BJ from the spotlight. I would have been less of a pain to Kevin and made damn sure that my mother had less control over me than she did, and still does.

The Backstreet Boys was the best, and worst thing that ever happened to me. I love the guys; they're my brothers. We're like the three musketeers, only there's five of us. Sure we had our bad times, but it was more like mild sibling rivalry than threatening to our friendships. The guys are my best friends, and know me better than almost anybody. On the flip side, while the success was, and is, great, it brought me a lot of grief with my parents, especially my mother.

I shouldn't even call her mother; she doesn't deserve the title. A real mother loves her kids and does everything for them. She doesn't use them in her neverending quest for money. Perhaps the stork just dropped me off on the wrong doorstep. I am grateful for the fame she helped me achieve, but only because it brought me to Brian, Kevin, AJ, Howie, their families and later wives, as well as Charity.

Oh Charity baby, I'm so sorry. Know that I love you and would not have done this unless I truly felt it was the only solution. Take care of yourself and find someone who can love you as much as I do. Don't let Jane take anything, but let AC, Angel, BJ, and Leslie have what they want. Take care of Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Howie. I love you, and will be watching over you always.

B-Rok, you're the best friend a guy could have and I love you. Stay strong, have plenty of kids with Leighanne, and don't let the fans bug you two, because you were destined for each other. Keep an eye on Kevin, he's not as strong as he makes himself out to be. Name a kid after me would you? And make sure he stays out of the entertainment business and plays basketball better than you. That won't be too hard for him to accomplish. :)

AJ, don't cry. I know you man, and you can't put that front up like you do with the fans. I'll miss you, bro. Wear your zebra print cowboy hat to my funeral. Love ya man.

Howie, you'll be the one holding things together for a while, and I know you can handle it. You can handle anything that comes your way. Keep your head up, and move into my house. You've been living with your parents all your life, it's time to move out! I love you, Howie, remember that always.

Kevin, you've been the backbone for so long, you just need to really let go. You and I have had a lot of heart-to-hearts recently, and I can read you better than those stupid "See Jack Run" books from kindergarten. I know your feelings for me. I'm the kid, I need looking after, and I know you're gonna blame yourself. Don't say that you should have been here, there was nothing you could have done. It isn't your fault, its Jane's. I love you man. Don't grieve too long, and let Kristin take care of you.

Jane, I can't even call you my mother anymore. You had no right, NO RIGHT to say what you said to me yesterday. Its none of your business to tell me about my relationships, either. I've made my mistakes, yes, and I've paid for them. I wanted nothing more than to grow old and have kids with Charity, but with you threatening to undermine me emotionally and financially, I couldn't put my love, my friends, and my life go through all that you threatened. You can't break me down anymore mother, you've done the ultimate breakdown to my life, and that was driving me to kill myself. I hope you're happy. This was the only way I knew of that I could keep you from doing what you told me you would. I did this for my friends and family, and because of you. Have a nice life, and don't you DARE do what you did to me to the other kids - I've left a standing order with my attorney that he must read every contract that goes through their hands before you.

To all the fans, you got us where we are and kept us there. Please don't make any rash decisions and end your own lives just because I did. I love all you guys, and want you to live life to the fullest, and make some serious waves.

To whoever finds this note, I'm tied to the anchor of my boat, where I'm assuming you're standing right now.

~Nick

Chapter 2
Table of Contents
Hosted Stories