Shared Secrets part 7
Monday came with a blast of hot air and humidity. It was unseasonably hot… the hottest I can remember before or since for June. But still I rolled out of bed, took a quick shower and headed for school. It wasn't that I had class that early. I just wanted to be there to support Emily if she needed it. I peeked in her office and found her sitting at her desk typing something on her computer. It took a second for her to register my presence since I didn't flash her light. She smiled brightly at me with tired eyes. "What?" she signed.
I laughed and replied, "You know what. Have you said anything yet?"
"No… I have a meeting scheduled at noon to tell them," she signed.
"I see. Jane will be here then?"
"Yes."
"Good I didn't want you to be alone."
"Thank you but I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."
"Ouch," I thought, "Getting moody." But I didn't sign that thought to her. "I know. I just care about you."
She looked at me with a look of surprise. I'm not sure she realized how much I had grown to care about her in the short time we'd really known each other. My greatest fear then and even now is that somehow I will do or say something that though unintentional will hurt her. I'm telling you this story even though I'm petrified by it. So much of the time hearing people oppress those who are deaf. I worry that somehow even though I am deaf myself that I will do something or say something that is oppressive. I worry about this because I didn't grow up in the deaf world I grew up in the hearing and think mostly as a hearing person would.
I know I have been oppressed. I know that irrational as it is that people who love me have convinced me on some level that I can't function as a human being and be deaf. On some level I believe that I can't stand on my own two feet and will always need someone to support me. It wasn't until I met Emily and Jane that I realized how wrong my own internal beliefs are. And it is probably the same oppression that I have been living with all my life that I turn and use with Emily and Jane. The need to protect them runs deep and maybe in just saying this here and now I have a better idea of what I need to be careful of. But at the time of Emily's pregnancy, I didn't have this insight. I was worried and concerned about Emily maybe more so than I would have been a hearing person. I hope not but I have nothing to compare the situation against. Emily was the first older woman in her situation that I had direct contact with on a daily basis. The women in my support group are and were out of my three dimensional sphere. I only know them via their words not their lives.
Emily just smiled and waved me off after a minute of looking at me with a strange expression. "I'm going to the computer room," I answered and then ducked out of her office as Jane came flying through the door. We nearly collided but somehow managed to not make complete fools of ourselves.
I went to the computer lab and messed on the Internet. But my mind really wasn't on what I was doing. It was thinking about more of what I had learned about the deaf world. There are things that drive deaf people nuts. The most common one the unknowing hearing person does is ask, "Can you read lips?" More than likely you will be told no. It's not that the deaf person can't read lips. It's no matter what you do they will not be able to read everything that is said. There are too many things going against them. The letters B, M and P all look the same formed on the lips. The same holds true with V and F and C and S and sometimes C an K. So unless the context of the sentence tells the deaf what the word is then they must guess and easily they can guess incorrectly. There is also the problem with sounds formed in the mouth and not on the lips like words beginning with the Q. To see it on the lips they might think the word is actually a word with a W sound and not Q.
Mustaches and beards also hamper speech reading. A deaf person must be able to see the lips to have even a clue as to what is being said. Hearing people have a tendency to turn away or look down when speaking. These actions also make it harder for a deaf person to understand what is being said.
As a deaf person I didn't know these things myself. I didn't know why I had so much trouble learning to speech read. No one ever told me that I'd at best be able to read only about 80% of anything anyone says. I thought I was some sort of failure. Now I look back with anger and hurt that no one thought to tell me that I was not a failure but very normal in my inability to understand lip-reading fully.
I have a funny story to do with trying to understand my mother. I was sitting in the back seat of my parent's car. My mother was talking to my father when she saw a sports car she liked. I'd not been paying attention to anything that was being said. I didn't hear most of it anyway but when her voice grew excited it caught my attention. I heard her exclaim, "There's a Mercedes with a sports toupee!" Well we all know what she really said was, "There is a Mercedes Sports Coupe!" I haven't lived that Toupee down yet. This is just an example of how a word can be misinterpreted.
If you want to communicate with a deaf person and you do not know sign the best thing you can do is write down what you want to say. Don't force them to try and lip-read. It only frustrates them. If for some reason lip-reading is the only option follow some simple rules… Don't turn away or cover your lips. Elocution is very important. Speak clearly, at a normal volume and speed. Don't get angry if the deaf person doesn't understand what you said, repeat it gracefully maybe trying a different approach if it's still not understood after repeating at least once. However, in general your best bet for keeping everyone happy is writing. Writing leaves no margin for error.
These lessons bring to mind something else that I feel I must share. If a deaf person and you are talking give them your full attention. If a deaf person is trying to communicate with you, don't turn away or look elsewhere. Eye contact is very important in the deaf world. It is like sticking your fingers in your ears so you can't hear someone speaking when you turn away from them. You are effectively saying that you don't care what they have to say. If the phone rings while you are talking to a deaf person, ignore it or ask them to stop communicating while you answer. Just don't turn away.
I remember one time Eunice had asked me to go with her to see Jane about a grade. Eunice had asked her question and Jane was replying. Instead of waiting for Jane to finish Eunice turned her back on Jane and started out of Jane's office. I was facing Jane just as Eunice had been and saw that Jane was still signing. I couldn't believe Eunice would just turn around like that without even thinking. I grabbed her arm and said, She's still talking." Eunice looked at me as if I was nuts and said, "Oh," and turned back to look at Jane. It still boggles my mind how Eunice just left Jane hanging in mid-sentence like that. The reason it bothers me is Eunice knew not to turn away from a deaf person. She knew the rules and yet she did it anyway. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Jane did harbor some ill thoughts about Eunice. Though, I know Eunice's paranoia was unfounded about Jane hating her. I totally understood how Jane might be less than thrilled with Eunice's actions.
I'm not sure where the time went that day. I was lost in my own reverie when Jane tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to come with her. I looked at a nearby computer screen and saw that it was almost 1:30 PM. Emily would have told the staff an hour and a half earlier. In a way I was glad I missed it because I didn't want everyone to ask why a mere student knew before everyone else. I'm sure that would have gone over like a lead balloon.
I followed Jane wondering why she'd come for me. My summer school class would be starting in less than a half hour with Emily as the teacher. The door was shut to Emily's office but Jane opened it and told me to come in. Immediately my eyes settled on Emily. If I had thought she looked like death warmed over the day she passed out on me at McDonalds, I was mistaken. I couldn't imagine her looking worse than that but she did. "What happen?" I asked seeing how ashen she was.
Emily didn't answer me. I turned to Jane seeing thinking perhaps Emily couldn't answer me. "Jane?"
"Jack came here."
"Oh I see, why?" I signed.
"Because he couldn't find her at home."
"Okay," I answered still lost to why Jane had me come to the office. I knew very little about the situation between Jack and Emily. Jane stood looking at me expectantly. "I'm sorry I don't understand why I'm here," I finally signed trying to sort through the bewildered thoughts that raced through my head.
"She needs us," Jane answered looking at the shell shocked Emily who still looked white as sheet. "Jack hurt her."
"Hurt her? How? Physically? Emotionally?" I signed in response slowly beginning to understand.
"He hit me," Emily signed. I was surprised when she finally responded to what we were saying. Jane had quietly left the office while Emily signed to me.
"Where did he hit you?" I had asked in a state of fear. She turned so I could see her face in the sunlight that came through the window. It was swelling and red around her left eye and there was a spot of blood at the corner of her lips.
You must realize Emily is no fragile flower. She's a tall, muscular lady that even years after no longer rigorously training her body still bore the mark of it. It would take a big man to take her on. Jack was big. I don't doubt, though, that if needed Emily could defend herself and do damage. But I also know Emily is passive. She doesn't like violence of any type. She'll turn from it and only defend herself if pushed to the very edge.
I never was told the whole story about what went on between Jack and Emily that day but I imagine when he hit her; her first reaction was not to defend herself but to back away. She'd try to get away from his fists and only if that didn't work would she possibly have struck back.
"Wow," I signed as I looked at the bruising that was beginning to appear.
"He slapped me hard enough that I fell," she answered as fear knotted around my stomach again.
"Do you think he will come back?" I asked as Jane came back with an ice pack for Emily's face.
"Maybe, he wants me to move to Colorado with him. I won't. I told him I didn't want to see him again. He became angry and hit me."
"Why did you want me here Emily?"
"Jane and you are the only people who know who Jack is," she replied as I tried to make sense of it. Jane and I were the only two people who knew Jack was the father. We were the only people she could tell what happen without revealing the last of her secrets. She had no other way to protect herself from him. She needed Jane and I to be her warning system.
"I don't mean to be defensive but you told me earlier you didn't need me. You said you could take care of yourself. I don't want to be more of a burden than a help to you."
"The people here, my co-workers, are more than my co-workers, they are my friends. I didn't need you to protect me from them. They don't know about Jack. I never said anything to anyone besides Jane about Jack. They don't know he can hurt me, has hurt me."
"Is there anyone you can tell to keep him from coming on campus?"
"The police but then I'd have to explain why. If I tell them that he hit me, he'd be arrested. I'd then have to deal with the court and everything would come out. I don't want that."
"Would a restraining order work? Would anyone have to know why you have a restraining order against him?" I asked as Jane ducked out again. I realized Emily and I were late for class. "I don't think you have to go to court to get one. I think you just need to file a complaint and then ask for a restraining order to keep him away from you."
Emily nodded as she stood up looking rather shaky, "I'll ask a friend who knows about that. Maybe it would work. We are late for class."
"Are you okay?" I asked as we walked to class together.
"Just shaken. I will be fine once I know Jack is in Colorado and far from me," she signed before entering the classroom and trying to smile out of swollen lips at the rest of the class.