Shared Secrets part 50
I was upset and frustrated when I entered Emily’s office on Friday the thirteenth of February. I wasn’t upset with Emily, as she was the one person who seemed to understand how I felt in regard to walking between the Deaf and Hearing worlds. I was upset because once again my past was getting the better of me.
Emily was trying to type up some sort of paper but Laurel was being quite persuasive that she needed to be fed more than her mother needed to get her work done. I stood and waited for Emily to respond to my presence. But had to wait until Laurel was happily eating and Emily sort of had two hands to talk with, “What’s up?”
“Jena is mad at me,” I signed. I was referring to Jena Barrett. She is a Deaf student taking ASL. Jena and I both had Jane as our ASL teacher. She’s a sweet girl but I think we have a personality conflict.
“Why?”
“Because I keep voicing with her in the room.”
“Why do you do that?”
“You know why. We’ve talked about it before.”
“Yes I know. What happen?”
I sat down in one of the chairs because this was going to be a long session. “It started out that another student asked me a question using her voice. I turned to answer the question and forgot Jena was in the room. The other student pointed out that I was voicing my reply. I apologized to Jena and replied in sign to the question. Afterward she said something to me about my voicing. I tried to explain that it’s not because I want to leave her out that I voice as much as I am afraid to let go of my voice in favor of signing. It’s an emotional conflict that I have because of my past and the time that I couldn’t hear and basically gave up talking.”
“Go on.”
“She seemed to understand but told me to try to use only sign if she was present. I told her I would try and that I need to be careful of voicing when I shouldn’t.
Later we were in class. Carol Pringle asked me a question using her voice. I answered her in sign because I knew Jena was in the room but then class started and Carol didn’t catch the very end of what I signed. I didn’t have time to repeat what I had answered. Then at break I was in the student lounge with several of my classmates talking. Again someone asked me a question using their voice. Jena was not in the room at that time so I answered using my voice. But while I was talking Jena came into the room. I didn’t notice whom it was who was standing to my right and slightly behind me. My concentration was on trying to take what was being asked of me and making words out of what I was hearing. Jena tapped my shoulder and signed, “Don’t you see me? Why are you using your voice?”
“I answered, “No, I didn’t she you. You were behind me.” I then went and told her what everyone had asked me using their voice and my reply so she’d know what exactly was said. Then we went back to class.”
After Jane dismissed us to the library Carol stayed behind. Everyone was talking and signing as they gathered their things. I looked over at Jena to see if she was looking at me. She was not. So I turned to Carol so that I was not facing Jena and quickly repeated for a 2nd time my reply to her question using my voice whereas the first time I had signed it. After I finished I turned to gather my things and saw Jena looking at me. She then signed, “I’m fed up with you. You keep voicing instead of signing when I am here.
“So now I’m frustrated because only onetime did I voice when she was present to start with and paying attention to me. The second time she walked in on a conversation that was already in progress. And the third time I had already answered the question in sign but she didn’t care when I signed it. Only as soon as I voiced it did she care and get angry. I feel like she’s singling me out now. Why isn’t she mad at Carol for asking the question in the first place using her voice? Or with everyone else in the student lounge who used theirs? I can’t change the way I am overnight. I know I have this problem with voicing. I am trying to work on it but it’s not a simple use it or not use it for me. I have emotional and mental stuff to come to grips with in order to stop using my voice at inappropriate times. And so far I haven’t come to grips with them.” I signed in frustration.
“Jena is just frustrated. She has a hard time too. Remember she keeps using Sign English signs and causes Jane to come down on her for it. She’s just taking out some of her frustration on you.”
“You’d think she’d get that I can’t easily stop using my voice anymore than she can stop using Sign English. She knows she’s not supposed to use Sign English but her past causes her to use it. Well my past causes me to use my voice even when I know it’s wrong.”
“Just let it go. Try hard not to voice if she’s around but if you slip it’s not the end of the world.”
“I know. I know. I’m just frustrated at myself because I want to not use my voice when I shouldn’t but I can’t just stop as easily as Jena wants me too. Just like I still have trouble trusting that you won’t hurt me again. I keep having to tell myself that the past won’t repeat. I have to keep telling myself that I must combine the Deaf and Hearing world and sign with everyone here no matter if they are hearing or not. Everyone here knows sign to some extent.”
“Just keep trying.”
“Okay enough of that what are you doing for Valentine’s day?”
“Nothing,” Emily answered. “I don’t have time to do anything.”
“Oh Emily you should go out just to have time for yourself. Even mommies need a break now and then. You can’t let yourself feel guilty for needing some time for yourself.”
“I am not going out on Valentine’s Day by myself. That would be pathetic.”
“Ask Matt to go with you. He’s not doing anything either. You can go out have a good time together. I’ll baby-sit.”
“Why do I have the feeling you are trying to set me up on a date with your cousin?”
“Is that such a bad thing? You wouldn’t actually be going out for romance. You’d just be going out with a friend for some good food and a little adult non-school conversation.”
“Yes, I suppose it is not such a bad thing. I haven’t been outside of my house for anything not work related without Laurel since she was two weeks old. I suppose it can’t hurt to see if Matt would like to go out for dinner.”
“That’s the spirit.”
“Okay now go away. I need to get some work done.”
“Would you like me to take her to the lounge with me for a little bit?”
“Sure, she’ll need a diaper change.”
“How come I get stuck with the dirty work?” I asked teasing Emily as she patted Laurel’s back and hoped the baby burped.
“I’ll trade you. You feed her and I’ll take the diaper.”
“No thanks, my faucets don’t work the way she’s use to them working,” I answered before she passed the baby to me with a laugh.
***** The next day I stayed with Laurel while Matt took Emily out to have dinner and to an open caption film afterwards. I watched TV and held her most the time they were gone since she wanted to be held almost constantly. She liked to look around at her surroundings. I didn’t care. I love babies and love to see the world through their eyes as they discover each and every new thing. She wasn’t quiet two months old so she was just beginning to learn about her world.
Emily and Matt returned at midnight. Emily was smiling when she came through her front door and was greeted by her fur babies with rambunctious tail wagging. Matt followed her in to the living room as well, “Looks like you two had a nice time.”
“Yes it was nice. The movie was sold out so we took a walk along the creek and feed the geese that are too stupid to fly south.” Matt said with his voice but then said it again sort of with his hands.
“I guess if they get hand outs from people all winter they aren’t too stupid. They know where the food is,” I replied only using sign. I had to try and remember to answer only in sign no matter if someone asked a question with their voice to appease Jena if no one else. Emily laughed at what I said.
“It is a beautiful night. The stars are bright. I like winter nights like tonight,” Emily answered checking on her baby who had finally crashed about an hour before Emily came home. She wasn’t happy with the bottle I had given her. It just wasn’t mom. “Was she good?”
“Yes, all babies are good,” I answered leaving out the part about Laurel missing her mom so Emily wouldn’t feel guilty for going out and having a night to herself.
“I missed her. I never dreamed a baby would make such a difference in my life. I can’t imagine what my life was like without her in it now.”
“You got more sleep,” Matt teased.
“Besides sleep,” Emily answered opening a bottle of diet pop.
I didn’t tell Emily what her life was like to me before the baby. I think she knew the answer to her own question and didn’t need me to tell her. “You two will have to go out more often. You have been the only one to get her to leave this house, Matt, besides for work since school started up again in January.”
“That’s a thought. Where do you want to go next week?” Matt asked having no clue that I was setting him up but Emily was aware and gave me a I can’t believe you look.
“Rachel’s probably busy next weekend. Why don’t we see how things are in a few weeks?”
“I’m not busy next weekend. Go have fun. I like babysitting.”
“See! Now, come on have some fun. Maybe I can get tickets to a basketball game from work.”
“Fine, you win! A game would be nice. I haven’t gotten to go to a basketball game this year. I was too busy and then too big to enjoy myself or a the game.”
“Great. I’ll get tickets and we will decide from there what else to do,” Matt answered as I smiled knowingly to myself. It was a start anyway. I had a feeling that Emily would have liked to kill me if she hadn’t been so passive. She’d tell me is so many words I was sure on Monday.
“Just give me some advance warning so I know when I need to baby-sit. I need to go home sometime this week and do laundry I have like 3 weeks worth of clothes to wash,” I supplied.
“I’ll tell you after he gets the tickets. I don’t know if our NBA team plays Friday or Saturday here this week. I know one is an away game,” Emily supplied as I put on my coat.
“Fine. Laurel ate about 10 PM. She hates taking a bottle. She fussed the whole time.”
“I know. She’s a mama’s girl,” Emily said with a smile as Matt sat at her kitchen table obviously staying for a while anyway.
“Have a good night you two,” I signed and then in miniature sign I said to Emily, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“Oh, go home!” Emily replied in mock irritation.
I smiled as I walked through the crisp night to my car.