I tried to close my eyes and let sleep find me but it seemed impossible. My mind was too full of thoughts. It would seem that since I'd been awake for close to 24 hours I'd just be able to lay my head down and go to sleep. It didn't happen though so I got back up from the cot and tiptoed to the dining area. There I placed a call to Matt whom I knew would also be having trouble finding sleep.
"Hi," I said quietly so not to wake Cherry who slept just a few feet away.
"Hey yourself. You need something?" Matt asked knowing I probably did.
"Well, I don't think anyone remembered to make arrangements on how to get home later today."
"Nope, but I was planning to come get you all anyway. I asked Debbie on the way out when Emily could leave. She said whenever Emily felt up to it. But she thought mid-morning would be the earliest."
"Yeah, I think so too. There is something you need to do first, actually a couple things. One I don't think Emily called the animal care-taker yesterday so will you go over and take care of her other babies? Make sure they have food and water. The ferret food is in the garage."
"Now?"
"If it is not too much trouble."
"Okay, what else?" he asked.
"You'll need the baby seat that's also in her garage. We forgot it yesterday. She can't take Laurel home without it."
"Okay, I'll get that when I go check the pets. Anything else?"
"One other thing. When you come to get us, bring food! Emily won't have eaten anything much since mid-afternoon yesterday. She's going to be famished. I think she'll need food that has more protein and fat in it. So think eggs and bacon kind of thing at least for her."
"I'm not even going to ask why she needs more protein. I know you'll tell me something I really don't want to know. And I thought I was going to have nightmares after that film. The real thing is about 50 times worse."
"I'm sorry to have to do that to you Matt. Emily needed help and Cherry was not able to give it to her. I figured you might have nightmares but you'd be able to handle what was happening with you chemistry background."
"Okay, It wasn't so bad. I admit. I found it rather moving but I was slightly embarrassed. I mean I don't know Emily all that well and here I was present at the birth of her child."
"I'd say you know Emily plenty well. You just don't want to admit it."
"Admit what?"
"Oh never mind. I'm going to try and sleep again. I'll see you at like 9:30 okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Thanks, Rachel."
"For what?"
"You know." He replied as the line went dead.
I whispered to myself, "Yeah, I know," as I crept back to the bedroom and peered at Emily and her sleeping babe. They were lit by the glare of the moon off the snow-laden ground. Emily lay on her side with the baby snuggled against her body. I didn't fear for the baby. I knew Emily was aware that she was there. She had too many fur babies that shared her bed not to know when something was laying against her. I stood looking at them sleeping and tried to tattoo their image to my mind. I didn't ever want to forget the beauty of the moment.
I finally laid down again and tried once more to let sleep find me. But as before the moment I shut my eyes I'd begin to relive what all had taken place in the previous 48 hours. Eventually, I decided to try and think of other things, things that maybe would lull me to sleep then again maybe not.
There are some things that I question and wonder about in my learning about the ways of the Deaf. I have asked Emily before and Jane and neither seem to have an answer that is satisfactory to me. The question is will I ever be culturally Deaf? I guess I need to explain this question. There are two types of Deaf persons really. One is deaf that is the physical deaf. I am of this type. Even though without my hearing aid I am profoundly deaf when a Culturally Deaf person introduces me to someone else they will sign that I am hard of hearing not Deaf. Deaf, with the big D is someone who is culturally Deaf. This means they were born Deaf or became deaf soon there after from illness. Then they went to a Deaf residential school. They learn the ways of other Deaf people while at school, the norms and mores that is expected of them as members of the Deaf community. This process is what makes them part of the Culture. Because I didn't become deaf until I was 22 I was mainstreamed and had no real Deaf Cultural influence before I came to Wolf Lake. I am not culturally Deaf, just deaf.
This differentiation of deaf and Deaf is confusing to me. When Jane or Emily say I'm hard of hearing, I think no, I'm not hard of hearing. I don't hear that makes me deaf. But to them only Culturally Deaf are the true Deaf people I guess. So even though I belong to the Deaf Community I am still an outsider. I am still in no mans land belonging to neither the Deaf World nor the Hearing World. It is a frustrating place to be when you don't even know how to categorize yourself because what you think is the truth is not, like my being deaf but not Deaf. I often wonder how Emily or Jane would introduce someone who was completely without hearing, unable to wear a hearing aid and was latent deaf like me? How can Emily or Jane call that person hard of hearing if nothing is heard? I guess someone needs to invent a sign for the little d deaf so there is differentiation between the Culturally Deaf and the physically deaf. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused then by my place in the Deaf World.
So how can I become Deaf? By learning the ideas, mores and norms of the Deaf community, by advocating Deaf rights and ways. By empowering my Deaf friends and myself and fighting for the betterment of the Deaf world, I think is how it is done but at this point I am not sure. I ask these questions only to not have the answers explained so that I understand with depth the knowledge that I must have in order to move forward within the Deaf community. I know it will just take time and patience. Eventually perseverance will prevail. Someday someone will have the answers I seek and be able to explain them to me. In the mean time I will just have to remain frustrated.
Laurel even if she hears will be culturally Deaf by way of her mother. She would be able to move freely between both worlds advocating for Deaf rights but also a member of the hearing world. Some days I think life would have been much simpler for me if I'd just been lucky enough to become Deaf as a child instead of as an adult.
The other thing that I tossed about my mind as I waited for sleep to find me or Laurel to wake up which ever happened first was name signs. I'd never have guessed that something so simple as basically a shorthand nickname sign for a person could become such a pain in the butt! There are rules that have to be followed, well should be but it seems most Deaf don't even know the rules. One rule is that name signs should be arbitrary. They should not be descriptive of some thing about the person the name sign belongs to. They also should not have a meaning to the sign. I have had I think 4 name signs and only one actually met the requirements of the rules. My first name sign a 10-year-old girl with an unpronounceable name gave me. It turned out that the name sign had a meaning and I didn't feel the meaning was appropriate for me plus it went against the rules.
My 2nd name sign Jane gave me. I was honored that she gave me this sign name. It meant something special to me that Jane gave it to me. But then when I started showing people my new name sign if the people I showed were over 65 year of age they would say that my name sign meant something derogatory. The name sign Jane gave me while it is positioned close to the derogatory sign it is not in the same signing space, nor does it have the same palm orientation. Nevertheless, the more people I showed the more comments my name sign drew. And I began to feel bad about my name sign. I knew Jane's intent was not bad but my name sign, which I had cherished, had become tarnished. Because of the negative meaning this sign now carried for me I stopped showing it to people. In the meanwhile, others have tried to give me name signs but every time thus far they have broken the rules in one way or another. Someday I hope someone comes up with a name sign that everyone, okay most, including myself will like for me. But so far we seem to be failing. Oh yes, one other point, because I am not Deaf but deaf I can't give name signs. Also even if your Deaf you can't give yourself a name sign, only members of the Deaf community can give you a name sign. I'm about ready to tell everyone I don't want a name sign since they seem to be nothing but trouble!
It was while I was mulling my frustration over name signs that Laurel began to squeak. It really wasn't much of a cry but she'd figure out crying fast enough. It didn't take but a minute before she was howling like a pro. Emily must have felt Laurel squirming because she turned on the light next to the bed and looked blurry eyed at the little mite who was throwing quite a fit. I sat up, hugging my knees. Emily looked at me and signed, "She noisy."
"Yes, I think she's telling you she's wet, dirty, hungry or just wants to try out her lungs."
Emily awkwardly held the baby in her arms and signed one handed; "I needed more practice. I have no clue what I am doing."
"You've not babysat much have you?"
"Who would I baby-sit? If my friends have children, those kids are grown. Otherwise I might house sit pets. I don't have to diaper or breast feed them."
I laughed, as she tried to juggle Laurel into a better position. I got up and went and sat on the bed next to Emily. I waved to get her attention, "First, check her diaper. Babies don't like being wet or dirty. If she's needs a new diaper then change her."
"I can't tell," Emily signed in frustration as the baby still cried lustily.
I raised her little leg and felt her diaper and then rubbed the plastic outer lining. Wet diapers tend to have a mushy feel on the outside even if they don't really feel wet on the inside. I explained this to Emily and showed her what I meant. I then helped her change Laurel's diaper. After her diaper was changed she still was crying but not as hard. I signed for Emily to use a baby wipe on her hand and then check to see if Laurel had a rooting reflex. This reflex is if you touch a baby's cheek they will turn toward that touch in search of a bottle or breast. If Laurel were hungry she'd root. Emily did as I told her and Laurel opened her tiny rosebud mouth in search of breakfast or more likely a middle of the night snack.
"I'll never get the hang of this," Emily signed in frustration when she had difficulty getting Laurel to latch on to her nipple correctly.
"It's not easy to start with but you'll get better at it. You both will. She hasn't figured out that she can't put her tongue up to the roof of her mouth and expect to eat and you haven't figured out how to stop her from sticking her tongue up there to start with. But you both will learn."
"Is it supposed to hurt?"
"Hurt? How?" I asked because it could hurt two different ways.
"It's making me cramp and her sucking is painful."
"Yes, both are normal. The same hormone that was released when you were in labor by the water stimulating your nipples is being released while she nurses causing your uterus to contract back to normal shape and size. That is why you are cramping. And her sucking is painful because your breasts are heavy with colostrum, milk and extremely tender from the hormones pregnancy and birth release. Your nipples may crack and bleed even until they toughen up. Vitamin E oil, lanolin and some say breast milk itself will help heal that up if it happens. And you may become engorged. Meaning you might at some point not be able to nurse when you need to and it will be painful. It can lead to a blocked milk ducts and mastitis. Hot compresses and lettuce leaf compresses or is it cabbage? I forget which. One of those vegetables helps reduce the swelling and inflammation. I'll have to ask the gals in the group."
"I think you know too much."
"I think I need sleep but I was too excited and keyed up to sleep."
"I think we have the hang of this this time. Try and get some rest. I hope someone remembers to come take us back to my house later today."
"Matt will be here at about 9:30. I called him and asked."
"Thanks."
"Sure. I will try and sleep now. Next time she's hungry make sure you switch to the other breast. You have to rotate. I forget why or I'm just too tired to remember."
Emily just shook her head probably glad I couldn't remember since it meant one less lecture on something she'd rather not know. My last memory of the night was of Emily looking lovingly down at her daughter as she nursed in the soft glow of a lamp.