The next time I saw Emily was Monday. I had left school early on Friday to attend the wedding of my cousin Jordan in my hometown. However, the whole weekend something that I had said to Cherry during the betrayal played heavily on my mind. It was with this thought that I approached Emily when I saw her again on Monday. Though I knew she was going crazy with preparation for the ASLTA Gala, I needed to talk to someone who would understand my thoughts. I turned to Emily for the first time since what had happened to bare my soul.
She waved me on with a weary smile. I noticed immediately how tired she looked. It worried me. "Close Door, Okay?"
"Yes."
She attempted to smile when I turned around then sign, "What's up?
"Talk need. Understand something me try. Talk someone understand me need. Me like bother you not. Know busy.
"Talk, Fine.
"English word order, okay?
"Sure."
“In the past I told you that I had 6 surgeries on my ears. I prayed every time for a miracle. Every time my surgeries failed. Every time my hearing was made worse instead of better except for the last time when there was no change. Because I felt God had failed me I lost faith in him. I felt abandoned not only by God but everyone I thought of as my friends. I feel as if my own parents can't accept that I am Deaf. My mother keeps pushing me to have a Cochlear Implant. But I'm afraid."
"Afraid, why?" Emily asked.
"I am afraid that I will lose the one miracle I have found. I am afraid I'll lose my friends in the Deaf World. But that's not what I wanted to say right now. What I want to say is maybe that I have always looked at what happened when I had these surgeries wrong. What if the miracle I was seeking did happen? I mean maybe that the miracle is I am Deaf. Maybe this was all God's plan. Maybe he made the surgeries all fail or seemingly fail to me as a hearing person but as a Deaf person they weren't failures. I am Deaf because of them. Maybe my being Deaf is the miracle. If I am Deaf because God wants me to be and there is a reason he made me Deaf then my having a Cochlear Implant is turning my back on the reason God put me here."
"You think?"
"I don't know. But what if it is true. What if I am supposed to be Deaf? Then having a CI would be wrong. I'm so confused."
"You need to know that you won't be abandon by your Deaf friends if you have a CI. You were hearing before. It is what you know and understand. We won't hold it against you if you want to remain a hearing person. You'd still be an Ally because you have been a part of the Deaf World. You would still be Deaf. A CI doesn't change the fact you are Deaf. If you remove the transmitter you would not hear. It's just another aid that lets you belong in the hearing world but you would also be a member of the Deaf world. Don't be afraid that we will abandon you. We won't. I will always be your friend."
I was crying by the time that she finished, "When you believed Joanna... When we hurt each other so much, it was like my worst fear coming true. I thought I was losing you and the Deaf World. I couldn't go back to being the person I was before I came here. I was a shell. I lived as if I didn't exist. I couldn't and I was so afraid that was what was going to happen. I knew if we didn't find someway to mend our friendship that I'd disappear all together and there would be no reprisal. Rachel, this Rachel, the one before standing you, would cease to exist. I would become even less of a human than I was before."
"Rachel," I was startled because for the first time ever Emily used her voice to address me. I looked at her as if a different person was sitting before me. "Come here." she continued signing. I walked around her desk while she stood. Then she gave me a hug. After we let go of each other she signed, "I never hated you. I never believed you told Joanna. I knew the truth even if my head at the time was thinking differently. I never meant to hurt you and I know you never meant to hurt me. You have been my ally during this pregnancy. I care about you. I don't want you to disappear. I like the Rachel you are now."
I sat down in the nearest seat and cried for a long time letting go of all the hurt and also in relief. Maybe as with everything else the betrayal had to happen so that Emily and I could grow as people. Maybe it would make us more tolerant and understanding of each other at the same time teaching us both that not everything is always as it seems. Maybe it happened to make our friendship stronger. All I know is sitting there bawling my eyes out I thanked God once again for bringing Emily into my life.
After I dried my eyes, I decided to change the subject. I didn’t want to cry anymore, "Time pass fast. I surprise you almost 34 week pregnant. Only about 6 weeks finish."
"I hope more not."
"First time pregnant, baby maybe stay inside long."
Emily looked down instead of holding her gaze with mine. I realized that there was something Emily hadn't ever said. She had never told me that this was her first pregnancy. I had always assumed. I realized as I watched her body language that this pregnancy wasn't her first. When she looked back at me I waited for her to speak. "Before I tell no one."
"When?" I asked sitting back down in the chair across from her desk.
"Long time ago. You know I go hearing college. I have athletic scholarship, swimming. My dream."
"Yes."
"I young know things, not. I make mistake. Abortion I think I have. Only few year after Roe vs. Wade. Scary time. If I have baby I lose dream. I want dream. I want baby. I know what do not.
"Father better Jack, yes. Young same as me. He afraid same as me. Day I need go clinic I go not. I keep go not. One minute me think go. Next minute me not. Many weeks again same. Boyfriend say we go. He make appointment. Me sure not. Night before appointment I lose baby."
"Me sorry. You think baby you have?"
"Abortion me want? No. Baby want, yes. But my dream me want same. Think miscarriage best happen."
"I understand. Past Pregnant explain you pregnant now how? After 40 almost possible get pregnant not, if never pregnant before. Infertility treatment only way, I think."
"After Angel me lose, me stop think early baby not. That baby 26 year old now. Make me sad. I cry after that baby same as Angel."
"You can't change past. Maybe 1st baby die, Angel die so this baby can live."
"Before this pregnancy, I thought that my earlier miscarriage had messed me up inside. I wasn't always careful with precaution. I think I always hoped that maybe I'd have a baby. I was always in a long-term relationship that I thought might be heading somewhere but I never got pregnant. As it turns out it was probably a good thing." She said as I translated mentally into English because my brain was tired of trying to remember how she was saying things in ASL.
"Maybe miscarriage did mess you up and time fixed." I said as I saw that she was wincing with pain. “Fine you?" I asked reverting back to closer to ASL order of sign and facial grammar.
"Me Fine, Not. Tired. Pregnant finish know not. Me sleep can't. All night baby kick. Head baby go through my back, try. Hurt. Gala Saturday I know how finish, not."
"Baby head through back mean how?" I asked trying to understand what she was saying.
"Knot I have my back. Me think baby head."
"Show me you mind?"
"No, I show." She replied lifting the back of her shirt to show a red raised area that could be said to be the size and shape of a baby's skull below her rib cage and to the left side of her spine.
I reached out and touched it gently. It was hard to the touch. I tapped her shoulder so she'd turn to face me. "You have important thing do-do now?"
"No, have little time. Maybe 45 minutes before next appointment."
"Can you feel feet here?" I asked touching her stomach to see if the baby was pushing out with its feet at the same time as trying to ram its head through her back.
"Me not know. Me not sure what feet feel like."
I reached out tentatively and pressed on her abdomen to see if I could feel anything. I wasn't sure but thought I could. "Maybe I make baby move if rub you back. Maybe help you sleep"
"Try. Me tired. Me need help."
"Me try. You should see chiropractor. Acupuncture maybe help same."
"If you help not. I try find chiropractor," She said as she laid her head on her arms and I rubbed her back. After only a few minutes the lump seemed to be not so large or stick out as much and Emily seemed to doze off. I left her office quietly and told Sally that Emily was resting as I passed her office. As I started to leave Sally said, "Wait."
"What?"
"I don't think I have told you but since you are here all the time I guess I should, I am quitting. I have a job interpreting at the hospital."
"Oh... when is your last day. Has a replacement already been hired?"
"I am leaving after Thanksgiving and yes a replacement has been hired. Clarissa Dinkins will be taking over."
"Cool and I hope you like your new job."
"I think I will. It was just time to move on to something else."
"Good luck to you then."
"Thank you."
"Your welcome," I answered as I thought and good riddance. Sally was not on my favorite person list. She'd burnt me one too many times. I always felt like she didn't like me and wanted to find a reason to continue not liking me.
I remember one time I was struggling with a class. Another student was also having problems. I had an opinion as to why I thought we were having such difficulty and the other student had a differing opinion. When we were telling Sally about the problem she first heard from the other student and then me. After I finished stating my opinion, Sally looked at me and said, "That is not what she said," referring to the other student as if I was making up what I was saying or that my opinion because it differed from the other student's was a lie and wrong. It made me angry. I just wanted to say to her, "It doesn't matter whose opinion is right or wrong, we both still have a problem that needs dealt with no matter what the cause is." That wasn't the first time Sally had ticked me off or the last. So I was thrilled to see her go.
I had just turned to leave Sally's office when Cherry showed up, "There you are!"
"I didn't know I was lost," I replied with a smile.
"I need a haircut. You’re going with me right?" She asked imploringly.
I laughed, "Sure watching you get a haircut is right up there with the things I like to do best." I gave her shoulders a squeeze and we took off.