A week passed by but I couldn't bring myself to see Emily. The hurt I felt was too raw. I knew from Cherry and Jane that I had been forgiven, though I'd done nothing wrong that needed forgiving. But knowing that didn't ease my pain. I couldn't find it within myself to let go and just forget what had happened. And until I could do that I had to keep my distance. However, I was acutely aware that in staying away, that I was in a sense punishing Emily for thinking I'd ever betray her as she seemed to have thought I had.
For days on end, when I wasn't in class, I sat in my apartment in tears or in a state of shock, maybe. I had to turn over every single thing that had ever transpired between Emily and I and search for the reason that Emily could think I'd betray her. I grasped at every straw imaginable and a few not so imaginable. I had to understand why she had turned on me. But I was unwilling to go to her for the answer. I needed to find the answers for myself. So I sat in turmoil and heartbreak as my mind swirled out of control.
Oh, the things I thought of…. It was a never-ending cycle of self-destruction. I remembered things I had said that I should never have said to Emily. Things that at the time she'd let slide and never even batted an eye at my saying them. I remembered the look she'd given me the day that I found the home pregnancy test in her trash. I remembered the feeling that somehow just my knowing that truth was such a horrible act on my part. I remembered how guilty I felt because somehow I had crossed the line from being a nosy student who wanted to understand more than I had the right to understand, to being a confidant that she had to trust with her secret. But when had she stopped trusting me? Why had she stopped trusting me? I was supposed to trust her wholeheartedly but she hadn't done the same for me.
I laugh now thinking about how she always accused me of thinking too much. For once I had just acted and done what I thought was the right thing to do. And it had blown up in my face. I laugh because she had always claimed not to think but obviously that was a crock because she had to have had a thought to come up with my betraying her confidence. It all seemed like we'd been somehow living a lie. That nothing we had said or done for each other was as it had seemed. Was I only a pawn in her mind game? Was she a pawn in mine? The thoughts never ended.
One day I even thought, what if she thought I was attracted to her sexually? I thought this because before Cherry and I had left on the Monday night prior to Joanna's arrival on Tuesday, I had stopped and given Emily a hug good-bye. I am rather shy with my hugs. I am not one to give hugs openly. So I had waited until Cherry had already gone into the hall before I had given Emily her hug. I am even more conscientious at school. Hugs are rarely given there even if it is per Deaf Culture because school is a place of learning and not really a part of the Deaf Community itself even if the faculty is.
Hugging is a part of Deaf Culture and it is an expected greeting or farewell gesture. But in my desperate attempt to find a reason for Emily to turn against me and to believe Joanna's story without regard to my version, I was grasping at anything I could think of that might explain what had happened. Of course, I regret these thoughts, as I knew in my heart that this was not the problem.
As the days passed I began to accept what had happened. I began to be able to connect the dots and see things as Emily had to have seen them. I don't know if as my hurt and anger dissipated things seemed clearer or if all my over-analyzing had finally given way to what I suspected was the truth of the matter. What I finally accepted in my heart and mind as the truth could easily have been a far cry from the truth in Emily's heart and mind. But it was what I had to grasp onto and believe in so that I could move forward and forgive Emily for hurting me. The problem with my doing this was that if my truth differed from Emily's truth then I'd have to find a whole new path to acceptance. If I could just have faced Emily right off the bat, marched to her house, after she was released from the hospital, and asked her what in hell she was thinking when she believed Joanna's story then I wouldn't have had to sit in anguish for a week. But I couldn't face her so I resorted to the only means I had to come to terms with the blow she'd dealt my fragile self-esteem.
Looking back, all I ever wanted was acceptance. I wanted to belong someplace, to have people accept me as I am and not have expectations that I could never live up to in the first place. When I first started talking to Emily almost a year earlier it was in desperation. I was so hurt, lost and confused by what I was learning about the Deaf Community as a whole. I had turned to Emily to help me make some decisions regarding my school courses. She'd been so kind and understanding. Because she was so kind and seemed to understand why I felt like I did I sought her out. I needed her to feel like I belonged at Wolf Lake and in the Deaf Community. To be honest for a while I held on to her as if she was my lifeline, too tightly. For two months everything she did and said cut me to the quick because I took them way too literally. She could have been joking with me and I would take that joke and turn it into a double-edged blade and cut myself with it. I was always in tears. I was always afraid. I knew I had to do something because I was driving myself insane and in the process I knew I had to have been driving Emily insane too. It was at that point that I went to my doctor and got a prescription for anti-depressants.
After I started on the medication my whole world changed. I no longer was a basket case. I no longer thought everyone hated me. I no longer had to hold on so tightly to Emily. I no longer was in tears all the time. By April I would see Emily because I wanted to see Emily not because I had to see Emily. I stopped thinking about how she saw my actions and me because in my eyes my actions were very much improved. But to Emily I'm not so sure my actions were that much different. I still saw her almost daily. I still talked to her all the time. It had to have been rough on Emily when I was a bit obsessive with her because she couldn't get her work done if I was always in her office. But after my medication kicked in I didn't just walk into her office as I had before. I stood at her doorway and waited for her acknowledgment. If she said she was busy I would go away. I saw her daily still but I didn't stop and talk to her as I had before. I waited until the end of the day and would stop at her office just to tell her to have a goodnight. I meant nothing by my actions then other than just wishing her well. No matter what even when I was slightly left of center I really did care for her.
I guess in a way I was surprised when she had said she'd go to lunch with me that day in May when the world tilted a bit for both of us. We'd gone to lunch together before but it was prior to my becoming quite so obsessive. When I was obsessive to the point of driving us both insane I had asked once if she'd have lunch with me and she'd said no. I had been hurt but it was mainly my depression and my internal belief that no one could possibly like me for me. But I had been hurt and it had taken me two months and a lot of pills to finally get up my nerve to ask her again to have lunch with me. She'd said yes and I was happy. I was happy because I knew that I had turned a new chapter in my relationship with her. I was finally healed and could just accept Emily as she was, my friend even if I wasn't hers.
I think it was remembering how I had been that I realized that maybe Emily didn't trust me as I had thought because of my track record with her. I realized that perhaps she saw my wanting to help her as still being obsessed with her at least marginally. And I realized that Emily had had stress after stress dumped upon her in the last few weeks leading up to her most recent hospital stay. Emily was basically a pressure cooker just waiting to explode. Joanna' s story of my betrayal was the catalyst she needed and explode she did. Unfortunately, Emily's and my friendship seemed to be the only casualty. But the question remained could we put the pieces back together, rebuilding what we had once had or was it even possible to do that after what had happened?
Even if I had come to understand what must have happened and why it happened the way it did, I wasn't sure how I could face Emily again. I didn't know what to say. I didn't see how we could move forward after each of us hurt each other as we had. I am sure that Emily didn't set out to hurt me as she had done and I sure didn't intend to hurt her. I think things just snowballed and she couldn't turn back the clock. As for me, I wouldn't have reacted the way I did if she had just confronted me and asked what the hell I had done and why. Would have, could have, should have... the past is the past and we have to deal with the future.
I should admit that after Cherry and I got back from shopping, before our ASL 3 class with Jane, I had sent Emily a very ugly email. I poured out all my pain and hurt. I ripped her up one side and down the other. Then I made the grave mistake of hitting send. I knew Emily wouldn't see her email until she was released from the hospital but at the time I didn't care. I wanted her to hurt as much as I was hurting. This was not what the poor woman needed given her circumstances but at the time I didn't care about that much either. I just lashed out and lashed out hard at the person I saw causing my pain. I told Cherry about the email later. I let her read it even. She was very astute in her observation that I had really gone overboard in what I had said to Emily. She convinced me that even if I would rather have just forgotten that I had ever hit send on that email, that I needed to send Emily an apology. I didn't want to hate Emily and I didn't want Emily to hate me so I did as Cherry suggested. But because I couldn't bring myself to see Emily I didn't know if she accepted my apology. Emily doesn't seem to ever answer her emails. Maybe that is a good thing. I don't know if I ever want to know her response to that tirade.
Emily had been released from the hospital on Friday. She was Twenty-eight weeks and two days pregnant by then. Jane had taken her home. Cherry had reported that Emily and the baby were both fine. Dr. Johnson and Emily's midwife, Debbie, both thought that if Emily could keep her stress levels down to manageable levels she should be able to carry the baby to term. I was relieved in knowing that at least physically everything was as it should be but no one could tell me how Emily was mentally or emotionally.
Jane had told me that Emily believed that I was telling the truth about Joanna and what had really transpired. But Jane couldn't tell me how Emily was feeling about everything. I didn't even bother to ask because I knew it wasn't Jane's place to tell me. I didn't want Jane to tell me. I think it is in the poem by Walt Whitman "Song of Myself II, Leaves of Grass" that says, "You shall no longer take things at second or third hand." The meaning being that Emily needed to be the one to tell me what was going through her mind. And I did need to know from Emily her truth. So one week to the day after Emily's release from the hospital, after much groveling and soul searching I called Cherry.
She answered on the second ring, "Hi Rachel." She always knows it is I calling her.
"Hey, yourself. I think I am ready to see Emily. Will you go with me?"
"Are you sure? You'll have to accept whatever she has to say. Can you do that?"
"I don't have a choice. If I can't do that then I'll have to quit school and the agency that is sending me here will be less than thrilled. And to top it off I'd have to tell my mother what happened. I'd rather die a slow painful death than listen to her tell me all the reasons that I am wrong and nothing but a screw-up. So whatever Emily says I will just have to deal with and go from there. But I expect her to at least give me the chance to explain my point of view."
"I'm sure she will. This is Emily we are talking about."
"Yeah, I know. So will you go with me for moral support if nothing else?"
"Sure," Cherry replied.
"Thanks, I'll pick you up in a few minutes. I want to do this before I lose my nerve."
"Okay, Cya in a few."
How come when you want time to move slowly it goes at lightening speed and when you want it to go fast it moves like a snail? It only took me all of ten minutes to get Cherry from the dorm and to cut across the busy roads during the noon lunch hour to get to Emily's house. Normally it would have taken at least 15 minutes on a good day. As I pulled into the drive way apprehension struck but Cherry made me continue my mission. I didn't have much choice anyway.
Emily came out on her porch with a smile on her face. The spark was back in her eyes and I wanted nothing more than to turn and run at the sight of her. "I happy see you," she signed and I burst into tears.