The next day I made my trek across town from the suburb of Wolf Lake to the big City to see Emily. I thought nothing of it why should I? I was just going to see a friend who was in the hospital. But when I arrived and started towards Emily's room, I felt something was amiss. A nurse was looking at me strangely. I walked on towards Emily's room trying to figure out what was going on that made me feel as if something was wrong. Had Joanna been back? Did Emily know that Joanna knew about the baby? I couldn't imagine Joanna returning to the hospital after I left her at McDonald's but I supposed it was possible.
I started to go into Emily's room as the nurse rushed up to me, "I'm sorry. What is your name?"
"Rachel Stevens, why?"
"Ms. Wesson has asked that you not visit her today."
"Specifically me or everyone?"
"You," the nurse answered turning away leaving me to try and absorb what was happening and why on my own.
I stood there in the hall my head and heart reeling. What had I done? Why was Emily suddenly mad at me? I'd done everything she wanted of me and more, way more. The uncertainty and non-understanding as to why this was happening left me sick to my stomach. I wanted to rush into Emily's room and ask her but I couldn't. I couldn't find out anything and it hurt. It hurt me deeply because I would never purposely do anything to hurt her and yet she seemed to have no problem hurting me. I walked slowly; fighting back tears and panic towards the elevator and the refuge of my car. I never dreamed that betrayal could hurt so much.
I sat in my car and wept. I wondered as time went by if perhaps Emily thought I betrayed her. What if Joanna had come back. I'd never do anything to hurt Emily. But maybe she didn't trust me as much as I trusted her. Whatever the reason, I wasn't sure I could ever face Emily again to look her in the eye. And if I couldn't look her in the eye how was I ever going to get through the classes that I had with her as my instructor?
I don't know how long I sat in that carbon monoxide filled garage staring into space as tear dripped from my cheeks onto my shirt unabashed. I don't know how long I sat in grief and pain, trying to make sense of what was happening. But eventually, I found the strength within myself and started my car. I, probably, drove very erratically back to Wolf Lake hoping that Elizabeth, Cherry, or someone whom I thought of as a friend was there to comfort me. I desperately needed a friend because I couldn't tell my mother what was happening. She tends to make me feel worse when things go wrong in my life as if I am always to blame. There is no gray area when it comes to negative things in my life according to my mother. It's always either my fault or someone else's. More times than naught my mother will blame me for being too fat, or too deaf, or too short, or not pretty enough. The list never ends of my faults. And Emily deciding that I couldn't see her would be my fault too.
Because I couldn't go to my mother with my hurt the only recourse I had were my friends. Before, I'd have turned to Emily first but I couldn't do that this time and it cut like a knife deep within my chest, robbing me of my breath. From my car as I entered the Wolf Lake grounds I called Cherry's cellphone hoping I wouldn't get the darn voicemail that Cherry seldom checks. "Hi Rachel," Cherry answered after the 3rd ring knowing it would be me since no one else but her parents bothered with calling her cellphone.
Can you meet me in the student lounge?" I asked feeling like tears were going to overwhelm me again.
"Oh no, what's wrong? Is Emily okay?" Cherry asked sensing my distress.
"She's fine. I think but I have to talk to you."
"Okay, sure. I'll see you in a few minutes." By the time I Parked Cherry was walking fast across the campus lawn toward my car. She took one look at my face and knew something bad, at least for me, was happening. "Okay, spill."
I sat down at a picnic table near the school entrance and stared off into space for a minute trying to find the words, "I told you about Joanna last night, right?"
"Yeah, what a egotistical woman. What does she have to do with anything?"
"Well, I went to go see Emily, like I always do. But when I started to go in her room a nurse stopped me and asked who I was. I told her my name. Then she says that Ms. Wesson has requested that I not visit her. I asked if it was just me or others as well. She replied it was just me. I have no clue what is going on. I think maybe Joanna went back to the hospital and told Emily something."
"Oh no, that doesn't sound like Emily, though."
"I know it doesn't but something has happened. I just don't know what."
"Do you want me to see if Jane knows? She and my Uncle Colin have been sort of seeing each other like 3 times since I introduced them. Maybe Jane can find out or maybe she'll tell Colin and he'll tell me."
"I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize Jane's friendship with Emily but if you can find out what is going on without that happening I'm all for it."
"I'll see. Try not to over-analyze this. Not everything may be as it seems. Maybe Emily just needed to rest."
"Then why is it only I that she has banished from visiting her?"
"I don't know but stay calm. I'll see if I can find out anything."
"Cherry, if she'd just talk to me and tell me what is going on maybe I could straighten it all out but she's cut me off."
"Give her time, remember she's pregnant, hormonal and given to whims of hormonal surges."
"How would you know? You are 19." I laughed and smiled for the first time since that morning.
"Remember I have twin six-year olds for sisters. I remember what my mother was like."
I wanted to say we'd be in big trouble if Emily was pregnant with twins if this is what her hormones were like with just one in the oven. But I stopped myself and sent a silent apology to heaven as I remembered Angel. Instead I said, "Well, that explains your knowledge. I forgot about them. What are their names again?"
"Kirsten Ivy and Kaitlin Rose. We call them Kirsty and Katy."
"Pretty names."
"I got to pick Kaitlin's name."
"Cool."
"You feeling better?"
"Not really, I still feel like I've been sucker punched."
"What the heck is that?"
"Punched in the stomach and the wind is knocked out of you."
"Ooh, nasty feeling."
"Yep, I just want to understand why?"
"Come on I don't have class now. Let's go shopping. You need to do something to get your mind off of this for a little bit."
"Thanks, I just feel sick."
"I understand. I'd feel the same way," Cherry said as we walked to her car. I think she figured out that I might not actually be exactly a fit driver.
Later, after my last class for the day, I met up again with Cherry. We'd blown some money earlier but at least it had improved my disposition. Maybe it was the chocolate bar I ate, who knows? "What's up?"
"I talked to Jane."
"Oh?"
She wants to see you."
"OH?"
"Now don't start. Your the one who made me start talking to her. She is as you said a very nice lady."
"I know, I'm just not trusting anyone much right now."
"Well, I hope that doesn't include me."
"No I trust you. If I didn't I'd not have turned to you earlier."
"Thanks. Jane is waiting in her office," Cherry said as we walked toward the small office that Jane shared with Betsy and the others. Cherry hit the light flasher.
Jane swung open the door with her bright smile and cheerful green eyes, "You need me?"
"No, need Santa Claus. Yes, me need you," Cherry smiled as this seemed to be their standard exchange. "I bring Rachel."
"Come in," Jane instructed as Betsy gave us a quick smile and returned to her work.
Jane looked at me waiting for me to start. I hate the feeling of expectation that washes over me when she or Emily do that. I tried to ignore the power of her gaze, "Emily mad me, why?"
"You tell Joanna about baby."
"No. I never do. Joanna tell me. Know Emily lie, ask why? Me surprised. I ask know how? Past, Joanna say, work nurse. Know pregnant woman if see. She say bad things about Emily. I defend Emily. I leave Joanna McDonald's. Mad she hurt Emily."
Jane shook her head, "Emily think you tell Joanna. Joanna say you tell her."
"No, no, no. I not tell. I say true after Joanna tell me, say bad about Emily. I not betray Emily trust," I had long since started to cry again. Jane handed me a Kleenex as Cherry put a hand on my shoulder.
"I believe you say true. I talk Emily," Jane answered as I wiped at my tear stained cheeks.
Afterwards when I was alone sitting in my apartment swimming in self-pity and guilt; still trying to understand why things had happened the way they had, I wondered how Emily and I could ever go back to the way we had been. I no longer trusted her not to hurt me and she no longer trusted that I'd not betray her. No matter what happened from this point forward our friendship had been changed. I wasn't sure that it could ever be what it had been before ever again.
****** Note: There is irony in this chapter. For 3 weeks I have been leading up to this betrayal in the story. Then just days before I had planned to write this chapter someone I trusted betrayed and hurt me badly. It is ironic how sometimes life and art mimic each other and sometimes it is downright frightening.