Jane did not sign to me the whole way back to the school. Though, I had always liked Jane I was leery of her then. If she had just signed to me I think I would have been less nervous but because she seemingly had put up a wall between us I sat feeling very alone. I should say that really this behavior was typical of Jane. She is the polar opposite of Emily in the friendly department. It took me weeks the first semester of classes to get Jane to even smile and say hi to me without my initiating the exchange. Jane thinks a mile a minute, I believe, so her mind is never on what is going on around her but on what she needs to be doing next. She probably was unaware that I needed to be reassured that day as we rode through town. Her mind was more than likely on class or Emily or... but not on me. I was at the bottom of her list of things to think about.
Actually when I think about it now I'm sure that Jane is in some ways responsible for my need to hear Emily's voice. It's because I have heard Jane's. Of course Jane scared the living daylights out of me the one time she did vocalize.
I had entered the computer lab. Jane was sitting at the computer next to the door working on something most likely library stuff. We students have a ton of tapes and books we have to read a semester. I was standing at the door. I no longer remember why I hadn't entered all the way. In the lab there was Jane working on a computer and a blond student sitting further in the room watching one of the blasted videos we had to watch. I think I was headed for a computer after registering who was in the room when I heard what to me was the equivalent of a shriek. Scared the tar out of me because there were only Jane and this girl in the room beside myself. I need to back up and say because of how rotten my hearing is I have no sound direction. I can't tell where sound is coming from directionally. I think I spun around to try and figure out who'd let the banshee in the room. It was then that I realized Jane was who vocalized trying to get the attention of the girl at the TV monitor. Until that moment I don't think I realized Jane even had a voice. You must remember that when I came to this school I'd never really encountered a deaf person before. So the fact that Jane, Emily, Dave or Betsy had never uttered a sound until the day I heard Jane vocalize... I sort of thought they were unable to make sound. Though, rationally I knew they could. But in truth Deaf, who sign unless they were taught by total communication or are made to be oral, don't use speech. And most deaf, who fit the previous description, think that mouth movement is a bad thing unless it is part of ASL grammar.
After I hurriedly jumped out of Jane's car I had planned to return to my apartment and take in what had happened and work out a plan for myself. However, it didn't happen as I planned. Why would it so far that day nothing had gone as planned? Does anything ever? I had gone to my car but as I opened the door into the parking lot pulled Eunice Phillips in her purple Geo Tracker. She swung her door open and jumped out with flair. I must tell you Eunice is well, for lack of a better description...over the top. She is almost 60, acts like she's 20. Dresses like she's a millionaire and tends to talk incessantly along with being extremely over bearing. She was definitely not what I needed at that time. Before I knew it the whirlwind named Eunice had herded me into the building and was going on about her current lover from some unheard of country. I remember I felt that I was a mouse caught in a giant mousetrap.
Eunice wanted me to go with her to Emily's office because she needed to change her class schedule for summer school. I had to bite my tongue about knowing anything about Emily. I just told her Emily wasn't in. Eunice didn't bother to go find Sally and get more detail or have Sally fix the schedule problem. Eunice wanted to see Emily and that was it. So upon finding out Emily wasn't there, there was no need for further investigation on Eunice's part.
As Eunice prattled on about this and that... even asking a question or two but never allowing enough time for me to answer, I thought about how Eunice would take the little news that I had to keep a secret. Eunice could be a vindictive Bitch. She despised Betsy, hated Jane and abhorred Brenda just because they had challenged her. Betsy had called her down in class for not signing something correctly. Because it was done in front of the class Eunice was embarrassed and thus she despised Betsy. Jane was Jane... she wouldn't talk to Eunice unless Eunice spoke first so Jane was on the list of people that Eunice was sure hated her therefore Eunice hated Jane. Brenda had made a mistake in grading one of Eunice's papers and Eunice was sure that Brenda was out to get her. So Eunice hated them. Eunice hadn't had Emily as a teacher yet but since we were both supposed to be in Emily's Deaf Culture Class for the 2nd summer session I was dreading learning why Eunice would come to hate Emily, too.
I knew in my heart that if Eunice found a reason to hate Emily then she'd do something to hurt her. Emily was up for tenure the following year. Eunice has money, something the school that Emily and Jane work for smiles highly upon. All it would take is a hefty donation and a little noisy, mean spirited bird in the wrong ear and Eunice could destroy Emily and the rest of the staff. I wasn't sure what the school's policy for moral conflict of interest was but I was pretty sure if Eunice wanted to make a stink out of Emily little problem the school would sit up and take notice. God how I hated my own thought processes that day.
If it meant bending over backwards and doing back handsprings I was positive I would do everything in my power to protect Emily from Eunice. Eunice was reason enough to keep Emily's secret. And I did keep the secret. Eunice didn't learn it from me.
Eventually I escaped from Eunice but Betsy saw me in the hallway so that meant I had to go to my ASL 2 class. We were to be reviewing for our final exam. At that point in time I could have cared less about reviewing for the exam. My mind was not even registering most of the ASL signs that Betsy was throwing at me. I sat stupidly in my chair with my mind elsewhere, which Betsy picked up on and made me answer more than my share of questions for my lack of participation.
After class Betsy pulled me aside and asked where I was since I was not in class at least mentally. I answered sort of honestly. I told her I was concerned about a friend who was having a rough time and my mind was with her. I do think Betsy knew who the friend was though she's never made mention of it. She just said, "I hope your friend is okay and you can get your mind back on learning ASL by next week."
I remember thinking, "How in the hell do I do that?" I so badly needed to tell someone Emily's secret just so I didn't have to carry the burden alone. It was then that I made the realization I wasn't alone. Jane knew. I needed Jane. I needed Jane to help me keep Emily's secret. That meant I had to get her to talk to me. Which also meant finding the darn woman. Another one of Jane's quirks, you never can find her when you need her. The reason for this is... hard to explain.
Let me tell you what it's like in college when the professors can hear. Let's say for this story's purpose it's the week before finals and you need to talk desperately to one of your professors. You'd go to their office. If the door was shut they either A. aren't in there B. in class C. are in there and you just need to knock or D. are in there and don't want to be disturbed. If the door is shut you'd look on it to see if their class schedule is listed... at all colleges I've been to up until this point this is how it has worked. If the schedule were there as it has been at all other places I have been prior to this you'd check to see if the professor is in class thus why the door is shut and when their next office hour is.
Office hours are those hours where the teacher is supposed to be readily available to help students. These hours are basically one half of the total time the professor is at school. So if a professor has 6 hours of class time on a given day then they are supposed to have office hours for 3. If there were an office hour listed at the time you are standing in front of the door, you'd knock and possibly gain entry into the office. Otherwise you'd leave and comeback another time or leave a note.
Now let me tell you about how it works here... it don't. :) The professors here do not have posted office hours. Heck your lucky if you can find the schedule taped on the wall outside Sally's office that tells where the professors are on any given day.
Jane shares her office with Betsy, Dave and several others. If you go to her office the chances that you will find the door open are basically nil. If you want to know if a professor is still at the school but hiding from you, you have to go to the parking lot and find their car. It helps to know what the heck they are driving for this reason. One of the first things you learn to do once you figure out that finding a professor is down right difficult at best is what model and make their car is. But what do you do if the professor's car is in the lot, they aren't in class and the freaking door is shut and you need to speak to them? It's not like you can knock. What good does knocking do when they can't hear you? (I have this problem at my own home so it's not a slight on the professor's part just a frustration of mine that I have yet to figure out away around.)
The answer is the hard part of this problem, as there doesn't seem to be one. If Emily's door is shut that means she's either not here or she's in a meeting, otherwise her door is open. But Jane's.... Man this one always has me in a pickle. If you ask Sally what to do with a closed door she will tell you that it means the professor doesn't want disturbed. That is all fine and well if you don't need them but Jane's door is always shut!
One time I wanted to show Jane something and was talking to another student who was in one of the more advanced ASL classes. I was telling this lady how frustrated I was because of not knowing what to do with the freaking door problem. She said you open it and flip the light. If they don't want you there they will shoo you away. I let her go open the door and flip the light for me. I wasn't about to get Jane mad at me plus I had Sally's admonishments saying that opening the door is a one of those no-nos. After this lady did that I said to Jane that I didn't want to open the door and flip the light because to me (thanks to Sally) I thought it meant she wanted privacy. Jane at the time assured me the door is shut but that it doesn't mean that it's for privacy but more so to cut down on distractions while she works. I still after all this time won't open the door to Jane's office and flash the light. There are too many conflicting answers to what a closed door means here.
On a wing and a prayer I headed for Jane's office hoping against hope that for once the dang door would be open! As it happened luck was on my side that day. Jane's door was open. But this set up another problem... at least for me, flashing the light. In the hearing world when you want someone's attention you knock or ring a doorbell. But that doesn't work in the deaf world. In the deaf world there maybe a doorbell of sorts at the deaf persons house but it doesn't ring a bell. If you push the button it will flash a light telling the person in the house that someone is at the door or maybe there is a phone call. But at the school there isn't one of those door light flashy things. If you want a professor's attention, after you find them that is, you have to switch on and off the overhead light, not once mind you but at least twice. It's not acceptable etiquette in the deaf world to only flash the light once. It's also not accepted etiquette to tap someone on the shoulder just once. You have to tap them at least twice and the more urgent the attention needed the more you flash and tap. But being the shy person I am who doesn't like to be an imposition I have a hard time flashing the light. But this time I mustered my courage and flashed Jane's light.
Flashing lights and touches when not expecting them, don't spook deaf people. They don't scare that easily. Me, I jump out of my skin every time I get tapped. So I flashed the light and Jane looked up and waved me in. I was relieved that she didn't turn me away. I signed, "I need to talk."
"Close the door." She signed back.
I remember feverishly hoping that Sally wouldn't decide she needed to speak to Jane. Sally is the only one, at least I think, in her way of thinking that has the right besides the professors to open a door and flash a light. I guess I resent it a bit that if Sally needs to tell any of the professors something... it comes first and far most above a student's needs. Since Jane and I then had a secret to share the burden of, I dreaded Sally opening the door and seeing anything that my faltering signing produced. All she had to see was the wrong thing and Emily's secret would be no more a secret. I also thought about the other professors who shared the office as well. They didn't stop at closed doors either.
I closed the door and sat down in the chair next to her desk. It was the first time I had ever sat in her office. I signed, "We need to a way to talk. This is too much for me to handle alone. I need your help. I will worry about her. I will be afraid for her. I need to be able to share those concerns with someone and you are all I have. I wish I didn't know the truth."
Jane answered, "She is tough. She'll be okay. She doesn't know yet what she wants to do. This is not something she has considered happening in her life."
I nodded and asked, "How do we keep this a secret? What if Sally sees us talking or Betsy, Dave or any of the others? Deaf people are so much more attune to visual cues than hearing people, the others might pick up something from what we say and put it together."
"I will stop them from coming in here if we are talking about this or I will stop you from signing anymore until they leave. You have my email. I have yours. We can do this for her. I also wish I didn't know. But if we didn't know she'd be alone," Jane responded.
Jane was right. If we didn't know Emily would be alone. If for one minute I had felt sorry for myself for getting myself into this mess, it was gone with those words. Emily shouldn't have to be alone. No woman should have to face the decisions she'd be facing by herself. Maybe that was the reason that I saw the box.