I peered around the curtain at Emily who was looking out the window at the freeway that curls its way through the city right next to the hospital. Only two hours or so before we'd been on that very highway hoping that what I thought was happening wasn't. Unfortunately, I had been proven correct and I really wished that I hadn't been.
Sharon, the interpreter, was gone so Emily didn't know I was there. There was a fetal heart/contraction monitor strip across her abdomen. Seeing it made the purpose of her stay all too real. I had to fight back tears so when Emily did see me she'd not be alarmed by my emotions. Finally, I flipped the light and peeked once again around the curtain. "Hi," I signed still half-hidden behind the curtain, least she would say she really didn't wish me to be there.
She smiled her bright smile even if she looked slightly blurry-eyed from the medication coursing through her veins trying to stop her contractions. "Hi," she signed in return and waved me to come in. I still crept slowly into the room fearful of actually being there.
"Medication working?" I asked eyeing the IV line running with two bags, one containing the regular Ringers solution and the other the Brethine.
"Contractions slowing. Not strong, now," she replied as I sat down in the chair next to her bed.
"Good. You scare me."
She looked away from me. I knew she was trying not to show how frightened she truly was. She didn't like anyone to see her vulnerability. It didn't matter that I had seen it before and more than once. She tried hard to keep it buried within her. Sometimes I wondered if she hid herself so she wouldn't be hurt. If she kept up a wall between herself and those of us who truly cared for her so that we couldn't cause her pain? I knew if I asked she'd deny that she kept herself closed off but to those of us who tried to know her it seemed rather obvious that she didn't want anyone to know her, the real Emily.
I'm not sure what her fear is. If she, like Jane and Betsy, fears that those who hear will hurt her because of her hearing, through oppression? If she fears that if she lets us too close she'll loose us and be alone all over again so rather than letting any of us into her heart she pushes us all away? It is the same fear I have, that I will loose her with a different response to the fear, instead of pushing away I hold on too tightly. Whatever the reason she wanted so badly not to show me once again her fears, so she looked away.
When she looked back at me her eyes were bright with unshed tears, "Scared myself."
"Okay afraid. I understand."
"I loose baby, afraid. One baby die can not loose other."
"Baby, okay. Heartbeat strong. See?" I asked showing her the heartbeat on the readout paper.
"Not if born now. Early not good."
"Your biggest fear baby born too soon. You afraid you loose this baby?" I asked touching her abdomen ever so slightly with my hand since it was bare because of the monitor belt.
"Yes, I wait for more bad happen. All I think about is when not if."
"I understand," I responded.
"I never thought I would be a mother even if it had once been a dream. It was a faded dream that I didn't think could or would happen. School, teaching, Jane and Betsy they were my family. I was content with that even if a bit sad that I was the last of my family line. Then I met Jack. I still didn't consider that my meeting him would lead me to the place I am now but for a brief moment in time I wasn't alone. Then he was gone just like the ones before him. He stole my heart and left me hurt. But he also left me with a miracle. You know how it was for me at first. I didn't want to accept that I was pregnant. Then I accepted the pregnancy but wasn't sure I could go through with it. After that, I came to the conclusion that the pregnancy was meant to be and I decided to have the baby.
"The idea of being a mother grew as I saw the changes the pregnancy brought to my body that no one could see but maybe the few of you who knew the truth and myself. I was carrying life. Somehow knowing that another person lived because I live just… there aren't words to describe how I felt. Then came that awful night when Jack showed up and hit me. The cramping started almost immediately. I tried to will it away, to ignore it but as the hours went by the cramps became more intense and I knew in my heart that I was losing the most precious gift I had ever known, the life of my child.
"I didn't want to look at you that night during class because I knew what your eyes would say and I didn't want to believe them or my heart. I hated Jack then because he had cost me my child. I laid on the doctor's examining table crying bitter tears at being given this gift only to have it so cruelly snatched away. I think my emotional pain was worse than my physical pain because I went back and forth between blaming Jack and then myself.
"When the doctor said I was carrying twins my first response was tears of happiness. I still had a chance, a chance to live out the dream. Then I realized that it would only be half the dream because one of my babies was dead. How could I be happy and sad at the same time? You were the only one who seemed to understand my grief. Everyone else would say, "You should be happy, you still have one baby." Or, "It's better that you lost it now rather than later." How can people think that? It was still my child. It didn't matter that I hadn't known I carried two babies, it was still my baby and it was gone.
"I had no one to talk to who understood but you. I couldn't tell you all that was in my heart. I hope you understand why. I'm not sure why I am sharing my secrets this time.
"After I lost Angel I cried myself to sleep nightly for a month. I didn't want anyone to see my tears or my pain. I had to remain strong at school because it was still a secret and no one had ever seen me as anything less than an oak tree, strong. After I stopped crying all my thoughts went to protecting this baby. I fear that it will be taken from me. I keep waiting for it to be taken away from me. I don't feel like I deserve this miracle.
"I've tried so hard to do everything Dr. Johnson and my midwife, Debbie Bandito, tell me to do. I rest when they say rest. I stopped working the hours that I would normally put in at school. I cut out as much stress as I could but here I am sitting in the hospital with an IV dripping medication into my veins that makes me see double and a monitor strip across my stomach that tells the world that my baby's life is in danger. Why? It all boils down to Jack. He already has taken one child from me. I can't let him cost me another," Emily said in not so many words as the tears of her fright and guilt streamed down her cheeks.
"You do best can. All you can do. Not your fault," I stated indicating the hospital and everything that came with it. "Baby not go away. Baby need you. You need baby."
"I hope you right," She signed wiping at one of those stray tears that she had the lost the battle controlling.
I looked at the contraction monitor and saw that during the time I had been there she'd not had a contraction. I smiled when I looked back at her face, "No contraction long time, now."
"Maybe okay?"
"Maybe. Your Doctor, midwife decide, not me," I signed. "I not know much, more than many people, not more than medical person."
"You knew I have problem. Maybe if waited later baby born early. I not know time contraction length. I not know, should not hurt if false labor. I not know more than 5 contractions one hour need call Doctor. You knew."
"I only knew those things because I read 36,000 emails 3 years past tell me."
"Me happy you like read."
I laughed, "Sometimes, I like read."
"Tired. Drugs make me sleep." Emily signed
"Fine. Sleep. I see if Jane want take me back school. I call Cherry. I tell Cherry what happen. She only tell Sally, Betsy. You care others know? Other students worry. Care."
"No, I not care. See you later."
"Later, " I signed before I left her side.
Jane and I made it back to school by 5:30 in the evening. Jane didn't go into the building because she needed to get home to her brood. I did because I wanted to find Cherry and tell her in greater detail what was going on.
Sally met me at her office door. I was surprised to see her, as she doesn't normally stay past five. "Hi, did Cherry update you?"
"Yes, thank you. Did Jane leave?"
"Yes, Something about Patrick needing something."
"Oh, okay… I guess I'll tell you then. After you left with Emily, Joanna called back. She'll be here tomorrow. She wants to discuss Jack's funeral arrangements with Emily. I tried to tell her that Emily was busy and would be out of town but she said she's still coming and will wait. Jack's body hasn't been released yet by the Wyoming authorities."
"Lovely, just what Emily needs…not. Are you going to the hospital this evening?"
"I have to interpret at a function so no."
"Oh I see. Emily needs to know about Joanna. She's who must decide what to do about her. Emily doesn't think Joanna knows about the baby. I'm not so sure. Even though Emily doesn't need this stress maybe it will be better if it's all out in the open."
"Then you are going back to the hospital tonight?"
"I hadn't planned on it as the medication is making Emily groggy but now I guess I will. Maybe Cherry will want to go with me. I hate going alone."
"Thanks, I think you are right. Emily has to know and decide what course of action to take. It's not our place even if we want to protect her because of the baby."
"Right," I replied as Elizabeth came into the office looking worried.
"Cherry won't tell me what is happening. I know you know."
Sally looked at me. "It's okay. I asked Emily if I could tell. She's okay with it," I replied.
"Okay then. I have to run. See you tomorrow," Sally replied as I ushered Elizabeth out of the office towards the student lounge.
"Wait here, while I go to the computer room and see if anyone there wants to know what is happening. I don't want to have to tell this a million times."
"Okay," Elizabeth replied before she took a swig of her Mountain Dew.
A half hour later everyone who wanted to know was informed and I called Cherry on her cell-phone, "Want to go see Emily. I have to tell her something and rather not go alone."
"Sure! Is everything okay?"
"Well, when we left she'd not had a contraction in an hour so maybe. We can hope anyway. They are rehydrating her with IV fluids. That always helps. But now I have to tell her Jack's sister is flying in tomorrow because she wants to discuss funeral arrangements. I don't think Joanna has bought a clue that Emily would rather forget she even was involved with Jack."
"She'll have permanent reminder soon enough."
"Yeah, I hope the baby inherits her smile and eyes."
"I do too. Her smile is so pretty. It's very natural. I'd call it a perfect smile. What did Jack look like?"
"Like Clark Gable from "Gone with the Wind", black hair, dark eyes, and a muscular build. He was taller than Emily."
"Hope Emily wants a basketball player."
"I'm sure she'd be thrilled," I said with a smile as we got into my car and headed once again toward the city. I knew Emily would be happy with whatever she got as long as the baby was okay. But I couldn't tell Cherry what Emily had told me earlier. I couldn't because what had been shared had been a special moment between friends.