Emily sat with her hand on mine for a few moments before she signed, "It will happen Rachel. You do belong in the Deaf Community. You don't have the knowledge to interact fully. Give yourself time."
"I want so much… It is hard to be patient. I keep waiting and waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of waiting. I want to belong now!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing Emily that's the thing. I know there is nothing anyone can do."
"Right!" Emily responded reverting back to her other approach, that of few words.
"Err, " I groaned wishing she would find some new words.
She smiled knowing full well that she was driving me nuts.
"Okay, I give up," I said smiling too.
"Give up what?"
"Emily! Oh never mind!" I signed because I was aware that she was just egging me on because she knew she could.
"Forget what?"
I ignored her question because we could do this exchange for a very lengthy time if I let it. I decided to switch topics, "I'm surprised you are not using a Midwife. You seem more inclined to a naturalistic approach to childbirth than what I have seen so far from you."
"Remember I haven't had access to information about different childbirth approaches until now. I haven't even had time to read the material my doctor gave me when I had the pregnancy test done. I read some of it this past week while I tried to rest. I'm not sure I understand about Birthing Centers and the difference from a Hospital." She answered truthfully.
I find it interesting how in some ways Deaf are culturally repressed to hearing Culture. There are some things that they have no clue about. In ASL 3 Jane had to have Football explained to her. Another time she had to have what Cooties are explained. Hearing take those things for granted. Most people even if they don't care for football, understand the general concept. Most mother's know that if they have boys at some point in that boy's life girls will have a major case of cooties and vice versa. But Jane had no concept of either. It didn't exactly surprise me that Emily wouldn't have an idea to the difference between a hospital setting and a birthing center but it left me to wonder what else she really didn't know or understand not because she dumb but because she has had no exposure.
I know many women including myself that have no idea about the functions of their bodies. I have a degree in Biology but the classes I took were more clinically inclined. The teachers explained why things happen when they do but not how. It wasn't until I started the support group that I actually learned how to know when ovulation is occurring or about to occur. Many ladies unless they are actively trying to get pregnant and told what to watch for have no idea that certain body changes indicate ovulation. When those changes stop then ovulation has already occurred. For some women the changes include increased body discharge, sore breasts, and mood swings. Others may have other symptoms including mid-cycle pain, which has a German name that I can't remember how to spell. But until 3 years ago I was in the dark to these things myself so Emily not knowing much about childbirth or things associated with it was not surprising. She'd have had very little exposure not because of her hearing but because she had no need to know.
I tried to explain as best I could with my limited understanding, "Birthing centers are more home oriented. You can have friends and family involved with the birth. There is less medical interference. Midwives usually run them with a more hands on approach and less intervention unless it is absolutely necessary. They usually will do anything the mother wants to do to birth. Labor, Birth and recover all take place in the same room. The rooms are usually set up to create a nurturing environment, with warm, and soothing colors that try to simulate a home-like atmosphere that may be very comforting for some new mothers. Rooming in - when the baby stays with the mother most of the time instead of in the infant nursery is also more normal.
If there are complications then the mother is transferred to a hospital where intervention can take place. I think most Centers are affiliated with hospitals or are part of them because of this."
"My doctor is associated with a Birthing Center and has a Midwife on staff. If it isn't too late I will ask if I can be transferred to her care for the birth. I'd like to be comfortable and in a more natural environment."
"I would if I were you but your doctor may not like the idea because you are high risk. If you develop pre-eclampsia or other complications he will never allow you to use a birthing center. Because of your age he will see you as a major risk. A midwife might feel the same. You will have to take better care of yourself and reduce your stress if you really want a more natural birth."
"How? You know what my life is like?"
"Yoga maybe. Visualizations! Soothing Music… such as whale songs. You have to find a way to not let your life hurt you."
"You mean I can't throw my mouse when I get mad at emails?"
I laughed. I'd seen her throw her mouse after an especially trying day. She hadn't realized I was standing in her office doorway when she gave her mouse a nice little trip across her desk. A few days later I bought her a sponge type bat and told her to beat her computer with it instead. "You can get mad. It's better than pretending that nothing bothers you. Beat your computer with your bat. You just need to find a way to leave your work at work and center yourself."
"Right," She answered before laying her hand on her abdomen.
"Baby kicking?" I asked
"Yes, Stronger everyday."
"Can I feel?" I asked shyly.
"Sure, This baby might not have lived if you hadn't been in my life."
That sent a lump to my throat. "Had I really helped a child to live that otherwise would have died?" I thought to myself before I uttered the words, "You really would have aborted the baby?"
"I don't want to think about what I would have done. But if you hadn't been there that day last May things could have been very different. All I know is I am having a baby and you have helped me when I was confused and sick."
"Can I cry," I thought. I looked down trying not to cry. Finally I signed "No problem. I like to help people." It seemed to be an off-handed statement given what she had said but I couldn't bring myself to say thank you. I didn't really feel I had done anything but try and help where I could.
The baby kicked beneath my hand. I don't know how to describe the feeling or express the longing that surged through me. Since I was a little girl all I ever wanted was to be a mother. When I was thirteen I had genetic testing done in possible preparation for Growth Hormone Treatment. It was then that we learned that my bone plates had been closed for two years. I was still a child but I had long since stopped growing. There was nothing that could be done. It was also at that time that some genetic syndromes were bandied about. One doctor thought I had Osteogenesis Imperfecta. The Doctor doing the genetic testing thought I had Turner Syndrome. Neither is something that great to have. Broken bones mark OI in the worse cases. Turner Syndrome is a Sex Chromosome disorder. Instead of having two sex chromosomes like most people have, either XX for a girl or XY for a boy, Turner Syndrome is XO. They are always girls and they are always sterile. These Girls never develop sexual characteristics because they are missing the genetic blueprint that helps to determine sex.
I never understood why the one doctor thought I had Turner's since I was very decidedly a girl with functioning equipment but after the test all came back normal I feared that whatever was truly wrong with me could be passed on to my offspring. I lived in fear as a 13-year-old child that I'd never be a mother. It was and is painful for me to think about. Now that I know that I do have OI in a very mild form and that I can pass it on somehow it isn't as frightening as not knowing what was wrong. I don't really worry that my children will suffer worse than I have. I have met people with OI who have good lives. I have met dwarfs who are happy. And most of all I now know that being Deaf isn't the end of the world. So sitting there with my hand on Emily abdomen, feeling her baby move beneath it, the flame was rekindled with the longing that one day I too would be a mother.
"Why are you crying?" Emily asked. I hadn't realized tears had escaped me.
"I'm touched."
She shook her head in bafflement, I think. Emily wasn't that attune to emotion.
"This is a strange question," I said wiping my eyes after I took my hand off her stomach. "But did you know that if the baby is hearing it can hear music now. They have shown with research done pre-natally that fetus's can hear and respond to sound by twenty-one weeks of pregnancy. I know hearing women tend to talk to their babies. I am curious if you do?"
"Me? You know I don't speak unless I'm calling the animals. What I say with my voice doesn't sound much like speech to most people."
"Oh." I mouthed wondering if I really should do what I was thinking about doing.
"How do they know that babies can hear from the womb?"
"They had women listen to folk songs every day for a week at 21 and 31 weeks of pregnancy and a control group that listened to no music. Then when the babies were fourteen days old they played the songs in 3-minute intervals with a rest period of 3 minutes between each song. While the music was playing and during the rest periods they counted the kick movement of the babies. They found a decrease in movement in the groups of babies who were exposed pre-natally to music compared to the control group. They also showed via ultrasound response to music."
"Interesting."
"I'm not sure how I feel about knowing that. It would seem to lend toward earlier hearing tests. Tests done within the womb. If that happens I worry that parents will maybe terminate a pregnancy on hearing alone. It is a very sad thing to think about. Because then the world would be without people as special as you."
"I don't think that will happen. Isn't twenty-one weeks late to terminate?"
"Actually the law here allows termination until twenty-seven weeks of pregnancy. That is what legislature here deems as a viable fetus, able to live outside the womb. It doesn't seem to matter that doctor's are now saving babies born as early as twenty-four weeks of gestation."
"I didn't know. I can't imagine terminating this pregnancy now. My baby is alive. I feel it moving, kicking. How can anyone do that?"
"I don't know. I try not to think about it."
She looked away from me. I think that was one fact that she'd rather have not known.
"That is sad," she signed after a few moments.
"Um, I want to do something," I signed fumbling as I did so.
"What?"
"This maybe will be strange to you but I want to sing something for you and the baby."
"Why?"
"Because it is one thing I felt I was good at and I want to share my gift with you. I know you will hear the music even if you don't understand the words."
She smiled, "Whatever."
I smiled in return feeling some what foolish to be sitting at a picnic table out in the middle of a State Park singing but there probably would be worse places that I would sing. I hummed at first so she'd here the melody before I actually started to sing:
"Amazing grace! How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; Was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved; How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come; 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.
When we've been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we'd first begun." Words: John Newton Music: by James P. Carrell and David S. Clayton
She sat looking at me. I signed, "Finished," because I wasn't sure she knew I was done.
"Your voice will be the one my child remembers from my womb if it hears," she signed.
The concept floored me. I looked away as again tears sprang from my eyes.