So I drove Emily to my little town at the southern end of the state. On the way there she slept. I was thankful for that because she was so far behind me that I could barely see her hands in my peripheral vision. I would turn to talk to her only at stoplights until she dosed off. She left me to be in my own world as I usually am as I drive.
Something gradually losing my hearing left me as well as being an only child was the invitation to submerge myself in pure consciousness, to revel in my own thoughts without someone to censure them. Because I was alone with my own imagination and my own deeper level of consciousness I became my own best friend, but also my own worse enemy. I was alone but not alone, lonely but not lonely.
In a way taking Emily to where I lived was like removing her from her World and showing her mine. For days at a time I would enter her World, a creation of her own making. She ran the ASL program. She was the Department Chairperson. What happened at the school. What we were taught was purely that of her own accord pretty much. Sure she had to answer to Dr. Piersall. And she had to listen to what Jane and Betsy suggested but most decisions about curriculum and such were on her shoulders. Thus when I was at school I was in her World. When I left school to attend the laboratory observations I was still part of her World, the Deaf World. Only when I got in my car and returned to my little cottage on the edge of town did I return to mine.
My mother met us in the driveway, probably out of curiosity more than anything else. I knew that by taking Emily to my mother's I could forget about trying to accommodate her. My mother would bend over backwards and do headstands to keep Emily entertained. It probably was not actually my brightest idea to take Emily home with me. My mother would more than likely not give her a moment's rest. If Emily had thought I was talkative she hadn't talked to my mother. My mom would talk to a flea if she could get it to sit still long enough to listen to her.
"Emily, you remember my mother?" I said and signed at the same time in SimCom.
"Hello," Emily signed.
"Hello," I interpreted using my voice as hers instead of falling into the controling pit of she said thus and so.
My father came out with Kelsey, the dog. He waved hi but didn't vocalize. Emily waved back. She'd met Kelsey the year before when I had her with me at Wolf Lake.
"Come in. What can we do for you?" my mother asked. "I hope you are hungry. I fixed dinner.
I signed what my mother had said since my mother's back was to Emily as she walked away. I really need to give my mother lessons in Deaf etiquette. "Thank you. You didn't have to go to so much trouble. I am hungry. I need to rest. I hope I can do that here." I replied to my mother as I dragged Emily's traveling bag behind me. I had to smile at Emily's response. I think she caught on quickly that my mother might not give her a moment's rest if she didn't say she needed it. My mother is a born entertainer.
It was 6 in the evening when we arrived. By the time my mother had fed us and made me to interpret what Emily was saying though I was not exactly adept at ASL I was exhausted. I had a feeling Emily was ready for some R and R. I knew I was. My mother can be exhaustive.
I showed Emily to the bedroom at the far end of the house. Away from my parents bedroom and where my parents tended to congregate in the TV room. She would have easy access to the deck that ran the entire length of the back of the house, the spa, the yard, her own private bathroom and easy access to the kitchen. I'm sure if she wanted she could borrow my parents SUV to take a drive into the country or the huge manmade lake that was only miles away.
After Emily had closed the door to her bedroom I turned to my mother and said, "Mom treat her like you do Luke Storm. Give her free rein. If she wants to talk she will come to look for you. I asked her what time she wanted breakfast. She said not to bother. She can make her own if you show her where things are in the morning. Basically she needs to get away from hustle, bustle and stress. Things have really gotten out of hand at school. She's been ordered by her doctor to take two weeks off. But as long as she's in Wolf Lake she was still feeling the pressure."
"What happen that she was order to rest?" My mother asked as I helped to clean up after dinner.
"She collapsed at school."
"Is there any medical complications that I should know about?" my mother asked already worrying that Emily would be her responsibility instead of treating Emily as an adult.
"Not that I am aware of. If there is Emily will know what to do for most things. She's a big girl." I smiled trying to clue my mother in on the fact that I was also a big girl but in my mother's book I'd always be her little girl.
I left a few minutes later for my own home while my mother protested that I should also stay there and take the other extra bedroom. I declined. I got to my house and promptly fell into bed and slept 12 hours.
The next morning I drove the half-mile to my parents home on top of the hill to find Emily in the kitchen dressed in her favorite green robe and her hair braided down her back with a smile on her face. "Good Morning," I signed. "You things my mother show?"
"Yes, I think. Things hard find, not." she replied. "Your mother shower. Store father go."
"Okay, thank you," I replied getting a bowl, cereal and the milk. I wasn't big on breakfast but if I was at my parent's house somewhat early I usually raided their refrigerator.
"Last night good sleep?" Emily asked sitting own with a plate of pancakes.
"Yes you?"
"Same. Your mom and dad namesigns I forget."
"Oh, NJ over heart and W over heart," I replied showing them as I signed.
"NJ say maybe Hotel I go, if want,"
"She wants you to take a tour of the restored hotel here. We would need to call Marion McCarthy and set up a time so she can interpret for you," I said in English word order because I couldn't think of how to say it in ASL.
"Marion Sign?"
"Sign English. ASL interpreters, none," I replied.
"I see. When go?"
"Marion teacher. Work today. Call tonight. Tomorrow afternoon, maybe go. Okay you?"
"Fine."
"Beautiful Day. You go spa want? Temperature I check. See hot not."
"Swim clothes I bring, not. One I own fit, not."
I laughed. I had a half a billion swimsuits in assorted sizes that my mother had kept. I was positive that something would fit Emily at least in mainly the right areas. "Maybe something I have work." I signed and then disappeared to the garage where I dragged out 3 or 4 swimsuits and took them to her. "You try. I think work."
"Fine. Later. Lake I go. I walk. Me, you take?"
"Sure. When?"
"One hour, okay?"
"Fine. Mom I go see."
One hour later I had packed a picnic lunch and then driven her to one of the recreational areas of the Lake that I knew about. It was more than a few miles from home but it was the best area for her to be at I felt. There were walking trails and then the visitor's center as well as the beach. I dropped her off at a trailhead and left her to her own devices. I went back to the visitors center and read some botany and biology articles of interest. I told Emily when I dropped her off I'd meet her at the trailhead in 3 hours. I tried hard not to let my vivid imagination get the best of me because if I did I knew I'd be a wreck worrying that she'd push herself to hard and make her situation worse instead of better. But when I drove to the trailhead she was waiting looking exhilarated and happy. Maybe she'd found a bit of the peace that she had been searching for, for the last few months.
"The two of us eat?" I signed.
"Yes, I hungry. Bathroom, I need."
"Okay. Visitor's Center two of us go." I replied driving back to where I had just come from. I got out the picnic basket and cooler and headed for a shady spot while I waited for her. She walked slowly up the steep incline to the picnic area with a smile. "Now walk easy not."
"Can we switch to Sign English? My brain is tired." I signed and smiled.
"Sure, I know it's hard for you to get use to signing in ASL."
"Always remembering topic first and then figuring out what the topic is, is mental tiring. Then remembering that time comes before the topic and the negation at the end, so much to think about and still try and have a conversation. I understand ASL better than I can say it."
"It does get easier with time. I just wish I could say being pregnant was the same."
"Well unlike learning ASL there is an end to your misery. You only have15 more weeks left give or take a week or two.
"Don't add weeks, please. I'm already miserable thinking about trying to get through 15 more. My doctor wants me to start Natural Childbirth Classes next week. I never dreamed that one day I'd be attending a natural childbirth class."
"Well I never dreamed that one day I'd actually want to learn ASL. Life has a way of opening doors when we least expect them. I don't regret learning ASL. You don't regret forgetting to take birth control pills now do you?"
She laughed her almost silent laugh. You can almost make out a sound when she does laugh but not quite at least I can't. Maybe someone who actually isn't Deaf can hear her. "Yes, I regret not taking precaution. But I don't regret becoming a mother because of it. I was happy with my life the way it was. I would have been happy to not have a child. I don't think I would have regretted that decision. However, I am having a baby. I will be a mother. I don't regret the decision to have this child. I might have regretted having an abortion. I regret that I lost one of my children."
I nodded in understanding. She regretted not taking precaution. Not because it led to the pregnancy but because it meant Jack was the father. Hindsight is always 20/20.
"The baby do you want it to be hearing or Deaf?" I asked not able to look her in the eye.
"I'd be happy both ways. Deaf like me because it is what I know. I would share a bond with the child that I wouldn't have if it could hear. But then I know I want to hear so how can I say I don't want my child to hear? As long as it is healthy maybe it should not matter if it is hearing or Deaf."
"Would you have a different answer if asked this question twenty years ago?"
"Yes, twenty years ago I would have said I wanted a Deaf child. There were not the opportunities or accessibility there are now. With computers, pagers, and services now available life for Deaf people is less restricted."
"Some hearing people are hurt when Deaf people say their child must be Deaf. Hard to understand the oppression that Deaf have had."
"Yes, that old thought Deaf must have Deaf to continue Culture. Not all think that way now."
"I understand it better than some people I think. I understand that when a hearing parent gives their child a Cochlear Implant that it sends a signal that Deaf is bad. If hearing people don't want a Deaf child, why should Deaf want a hearing child. Hearing have no clue about Deaf Culture or language. They only think of Deaf as a handicap if they knew that it doesn't have to be then maybe there would be a greater understanding between the cultures. Maybe then Deaf people would say that Deaf no longer matters. I think that will only happen overall if hearing stop thinking that to be hearing is a must."
"Yes, your right. Things are changing but it is slow maybe someday that will happen."
"We can hope."
"Yes!"
"I think your baby will have a great life because you are its mother. You can show your child both worlds. It won't have to be stuck in limbo land like me fitting into neither world."
"If the baby is hearing I will need help. I'm not oral. I can make a few sounds and talk some but I won't be able to teach my child speech. ASL is no problem but speech... I hope I can count on my oral friends when the time comes if the time comes."
"Of course, you can. I hope to move Wolf Lake after I graduate. What good will learning ASL be if I have no one to talk to using it. It will be a wasted if I return here to my isolation."
"I hope you move to Wolf Lake. You need to know the Deaf Community and be part of it."
"I feel like such an outsider even if you say I belong. It's like looking in the window and seeing a party but not being invited. I yearn to belong somewhere. I want to have worth and meaning," I found myself yet again in tears. Emily reached across the table and touched my hand. She didn't use her bobblehead approach. For once she actually comforted me.