I sat in the classroom four weeks later waiting on Emily per usual. Emily has a penchant for being at least five minutes late for class, sometimes ten. No one really cared. Heck most of my classmates probably on some level hoped she's just not show up at all some days. But I knew Emily would be there. She could have been next to death's door and still would drag herself to school. Her morning sickness proved that. The only reason she took two days off when she miscarried one of the twins was to insure the safety of the remaining baby.
We had one week of first summer session class left. Up until now there were no marked physical changes in Emily's appearance that people would notice without reason. She'd continued to wear her jeans and khaki's. Her oxfords remained neatly tucked in. Her black hair hung down her back most of the time, though she sometimes braided it. There was nothing to say that Emily was 15 weeks pregnant at least not to most people.
I, however, saw the changes in her. I was looking for them. Maybe Jane and Nancy saw them too but maybe not. Jane never having been pregnant wouldn't recognize the outward changes and Nancy probably didn't care. I cared because it was Emily's secret. I was the worrier; the one who wondered how long she could go without someone going, "Hey now!" I was the one who saw the changes, the fullness that had gradually crept into her cheeks and her breast. I saw that her jeans didn't fit the way they had before; there was roundness to her abdomen that she exhibited that hadn't been there weeks earlier. My eyes were open to these things.
When Emily did walked in the first thing I noticed was her habitually tucked in Oxford was outside of her khakis. She looked directly at me with a shrug of her shoulders as if to say don't even.... I smiled and signed, "Good Afternoon."
Later, after class was over I walked back to Emily's office with her. Everyone else had left immediately if not sooner upon dismissal. It was hot in the school. The air conditioning had decided to go belly up somewhere during the first hour of class. So everyone was miserable and wanted to get out of the stifling heat of the building. I didn't care. It's not like I'd melt.
I threw my books on a nearby chair and flopped down in another. "Let me guess, your clothes don't fit today?"
"Is it supposed to happen this quickly? Overnight I can't get my pants buttoned." She signed with a smile.
"I think most ladies say they just one day suddenly seem a lot bigger."
"I think I need to go shopping."
"I think so, too. I doubt anyone will notice the change in your clothing style until your shirts start to bulge."
"That may be soon," she responded also sitting down with a grimace. I knew the face was for the way her clothes felt and not actual pain.
"How much longer do you plan to keep your pregnancy a secret?" I asked signing one handed fanning myself with some sort of order form from her desk.
"Don't lose that. I don't know, maybe a few more weeks. I haven't told Dr. Piersall. I don't know why I haven't."
"Dr. Piersall is your superior?"
"Yes, he is the Humanities Division Head of Wolf Lake Community College. I don't see him unless we have a division meeting at the main campus."
"When do you have to see him?"
"Before resumption of classes for the fall in late August. We have 4 or 5 days of meetings at the main campus."
"I think he'll notice by then that something is different about you."
"You think?" she joked.
I ignored the joke and asked, "Do you think that because of your hearing you'll be judged differently than someone in the same circumstances that can hear?"
"I'd hope not. My hearing shouldn't matter given the curriculum I teach. My pregnancy is a personal matter. It shouldn't be an issue. But, I am up for tenure this year and it could affect that."
"I see."
"Is that why you've not told Dr. Piersall?"
"Maybe. I didn't start off not to tell him. I wasn't even going to have the baby in the beginning. When I decided to have the baby I got sicker than a dog. Jack shows up. Then I lost one of the babies. I kept putting off telling Dr. Piersall. Now when I tell him he'll think I wanted to keep it a secret. That isn't true."
"You can always say you didn't want to tell anyone until after the chances that you'd miscarry were minimal. He doesn't have to know the whole truth."
"When was that?"
"Well, twelve weeks is what the books say. But since you lost a twin you may be at higher risk for longer."
Emily looked away from me towards the window. I knew she was fighting back the grief at the loss of one baby that still overwhelmed her from time to time. There were days when all she wanted to do was cry. Most of it was hormonal but some of it was just what it seemed, pure and utter grief at the loss of a child. It didn't matter that she'd not know it existed prior to its loss. It still was her child and she grieved for its life. She'd always and forever be in her heart the mother of two not one.
When she looked again at me her eyes were rimmed in tears, "I'm sorry Em."
"It's easier now. It doesn't hurt like before."
"Time heals all wounds."
"This is going to take a long time."
"Yes, it is. I have another suggestion for you that might help."
"What?"
I smiled remembering her normal joke. "Plant a tree or a flowering bush in the baby's memory, something that will remind you of life and rebirth every spring. I meant to tell you weeks ago after seeing your garden but I didn't want to bring you more pain."
"Nothing you could have said would have hurt me more than I was already hurting."
"True, do you like the idea?"
"Yes, let's go to a nursery and pick out something to plant. I'll ask if we can borrow Jane's oldest son to dig a hole."
"What's his name?"
"Micah. He's 15."
"You'll have to pay him," I laughed as I signed.
"Yes, I know."
Three hours later I sat in Emily's backyard sipping carbonated water. Ugh, definitely not my idea of a good drink. Emily was on the TTY talking to Betsy. Jane and most of her brood were somewhere in the house. I was in charge of Micah's digging and planting as he toiled over a hole in the ground for Emily's new Smoke Bush.
Micah made darn sure I felt like a complete failure in learning sign language since he questioned everything I tried to say. He's just as bad as his mother in forcing me to learn and use ASL Grammar! My head was ready to explode from the shear effort it was taking me to sign to this kid. It was days like this I questioned my sanity and the reason I even bothered to try. So instead of paying attention to the pimple faced, snot-nose kid with a major attitude, I replayed in my mind what had occurred over the last four weeks and what hadn't.
The most surprising thing, the thing that made everyone of us leery, was Jack had simply disappeared. I guess hitting Emily scared him enough that he skid-addled. It probably had to do with the fact that he was on parole for assault in Colorado and had broken parole to come see Emily the last time he was here. He may have thought she'd call the cops. She should have. Emily found all this out when she tried to track down Jack's whereabouts through their so-called mutual friend, Blaine, in Colorado. She was less than thrilled to learn that this was yet another aspect of Jack's behavior that she'd not been given prior warning about. Some friend Blaine turned out to be! She'd also learned that Jack was pretty much supported by his hearing sister who basically ran his life and turned the other cheek when he was up to no good. He lived with Joann and her husband seventy-five percent of the time since he made little working for the Colorado park services in Estes Park as seasonal help. Blaine had told Emily how to reach Joann Simmons but Emily didn't want to involve yet another person in her relationship with Jack. She'd rather wash her hands of the man and his family. The only problem with that was she was carrying his baby.
The other thing that took place was Emily's doctor had talked her into having some new fangled test called a Nuchal Fold Translucency the day after her miscarriage. It is supposed to predict whether a fetus has Down Syndrome or not. It's non-evasive in that there are no needles entering the womb to draw or remove tissue. Basically, it's an ultrasound of the neck region of the developing fetus. It's been proven in the past that children with Down have a thickened Nuchal Fold. So doctors now take an ultrasound and measure the fold. If the fold measurements register high it is an indication that further testing may be wanted. Emily's baby tested within the normal range. Emily was very relieved at the news and so was I. Emily had said that she was not having genetic testing because it wasn't going to change the outcome. She was going to have this baby. But I think knowing that there at least was a decreased risk that the baby had Down Syndrome was a weight off her shoulders.
When I broke my daydream Micah was staring at me, leaning on his shovel. "Finished?" I signed.
"Yes," He replied.
"You want something?"
"Your stupid." He answered sauntering off toward Emily's tool shed.
Gee, thanks. But he was right, when it came to signing I wasn't the brightest bulb in the house or maybe I should say the sharpest tool in the shed. For the life of me I cannot seem to remember these darn signs. I think they go in one eye and out the other. Actually, I think I am concentrating so hard on trying to remember what I want to say and the signs that I need to use to say what I want to say that I can't absorb new signs when shown. I have to be shown over and over and over again. Emily thumps my skull from time to time because I can't remember a sign two minutes after she shows me. There was a time when I was pretty much a sponge and could absorb most anything I saw after seeing it just once but age is creeping up on me. It seems that as my hair leeches out to gray my ability to memorize leeches out with it.
Micah reappeared from the shed about the same time that Jane, Jane's four other children; Liz, Becky, Diana, and Patrick and also Emily came out of the house. We gathered in a circle around the poor Smoke Bush. I'm not sure what they all said as Jane and her kids are speed demons at signing but I'm sure that it was some sort of prayer. Emily signed a poem or at least I think it was a poem, the ASL syntax is different than English so I'm not sure. Then it was my turn. I hadn't known I was going to be required to say or sign anything. But I forged ahead with a red and hot face from being put on the spot. I had written a poem shortly after Emily's miscarriage for her. I'd never told her that either. However, it was the only thing I knew to say so it is what I signed.
Little Angel
Little Angel Sleep forever more In lofty clouds, At heaven's door.
Angel baby Gone too fast Why? why? We must ask.
No rhyme or reason Can we find Precious angel That you died
Broken hearts Time will heal Angel baby Oh so real.
Forever sleep Sweet little one You are missed And you are loved. *http://www.appaloosa.org/horsefrolic/foals/angel2.gif
Emily walked over to me with tears streaming down her face and hugged me. "Thank you," she signed when we parted. Jane touched my shoulder as she passed. For once I felt like I had managed to do something right and honorable.