The Stuffy Conspiracy...

Ode to Stuffies

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a bear,*
A dolphin leaping from the sea,**
A gnome with parti-colored hair,***
A snuff with trumpet held on high,****
A violet bear the world forgot,*****
A thing with one myopic eye- ******
We're such a sad, pathetic lot.

*Actually, Friend Bear is rather dirty and squished
**Or, um, a teal coke-holder
***Denotes insanity
****Except its about 5 times his height, so he wears it upside down on his head
*****Bob the Armless Bear was the last of his kind left in the city of Des Moines
******Actually, two, but 'eyes' didn't rhyme. Neither did 'good for slamming stuff'

Welcome to my den of iniquity, where some of the least known but most, um, cute criminals live. If you were looking for the god Sven or the Honeybear Den (aka the Den of Armless Bears...), you're in the wrong place. Those are the respectable stuffies. Some of them are even related to the ones on this page- but these are the pink sheep of their families.

So without further ado, I give you the Stuffy Conspiracy...

Name: Friend Bear
Age: 16 years (b. 1983?)
Height:
Weight:
Personality: Patient. Just don't call him 'pink'.
Occupation: Owner of a stuffy manufacturing and trading corporation.
History: Formerly a member of the Care Bears, he took to a life of crime after discovering that shooting flowers out of his tummy just didn't solve all the evil in the world. He is thought to have been influenced by the book Gatotsu Your Way Through Life! by Saitou Hajime.
Family: Formerly the Care Bears. Currently, the only one he speaks to is Tugs, who has joined a gang of blue stuffed bears and lives a life of petty crime in Chicago, where his tummy tattoo helps him fit in.
Criminal Activities: Leads a stuffy cartel which buys and sells stuffies at outrageous prices by limiting the amount sold and by setting prices (like someone else we know...^_^).

Name: Boya
Age: 2 years (b. Fall, 1996)
Height: (with coke-holder); (without coke-holder)
Weight: (with coke-holder); (without coke-holder)
Personality: Smiles incesantly. Mostly sessile, but very fast in a fight.
Occupation: Formerly a member of the notorious Juppon Sakana, she is now a rurouni (wanderer). She does laundry for the owners of the coke-holder in which she lives.
History: Joined the Juppon Sakana at a young age after killing most of her family. Freed from such a life by Kaishin, the great rurouni whale who proved to her that her theory that the fast swimmers live and the slow ones die (Hayakereba, iki; osokereba, shinu) was only true in the case of plankton.
Family: None. She killed them, remember? They're probably in a tuna can somewhere.
Criminal Activities: Mostly those commited while working for Shimao-sama and Umi-dono, but the occasional lapse seems to have occured since, when she discovered that the life of a rurouni is a hungry one. She has sometimes left her restaurant bills unpaid as a result.

Name: Bjartur Thorgedarson (Bjartur, son of Thorgedr)
Age: 9 months (b. September 1998)
Height:
Weight:
Personality: Insane. Possibly over-fascinated by nutsy Mel Gibson characters.
Occupation: Poses as an old-style fisherman. Has a boat which can be folded up and put in a pocket. This technology is not yet available generally, because GnomeSec likes to be ahead of the game.
History: Rumored to still be a member of the Den and GnomeSec, he struck out on his own for reasons unknown, but since he's insane, there may not be any reason. Has never been arrested. May be the source of Heimdall's horn. Tells several tall tales about his adventures in the frozen north, but none of them are verifiable. In fact, none of them make sense.
Family: Cousin to Gisli, god Sven, and Shinsengumi-colored Bjorn.
Criminal Activities: Spy for Bina. Also runs an international smuggling ring in fish products and Viking artifacts.

Name: Heimdall (gatekeeper of the Nordic gods)
Age: 6 months (b. December 19, 1998)
Height: (with trumpet); (without trumpet)
Weight:
Personality: Eager overachiever. Takes life too seriously. Still manages to have fun. Don't you hate him already?
Occupation: Blowing the whistle, er, horn on tresspassers. (i.e., Gate guard).
History: None.
Family: Adoptive mother Freja, sisters Nana, Sif, and Stjarna, brother Braggi (Sarah's bears). Also distantly related to Maire and her baby Nutmeg, Bella and her baby Cinnamon (Helen's bears), Strawberry, Baby, and Doley (Mimi's bears), and Skadi and Snaebjorn (Bina's bears).
Criminal Activities: Not many. Mostly, he's a lookout for other criminals. He's too young to have done much yet. However, he has in his possesion an ancient Nordic horn that doesn't belong to him, though no one knows how he got it. He says a white rabbit gave it to him. Probably stolen.

Name: Bob the Armless Bear
Age: unknown (app. 6 months, found December 19, 1998)
Height:
Weight:
Personality: Stoic
Occupation: Living through it, whatever "it" may be.
History: As the last violet Honeybear in Des Moines, Bob was teased mercilessly by the other stuffies. After finally being rescued by his older sibling Honeybear, he found his way into the Stuffy Conspiracy because of his remarkable closed-mouthedness (is that a word?). Currently, he reacts badly to only one thing- being called "violet".
Family: Second child of the Honeybear Den, aka the Den of Armless Bears. Siblings include brown Honeybear (Sarah's), blue Aozora (Bina's), yellow Smap (Miko's), green Pepper (Helen's), and snowman-shaped whoever (Kristen's).
Criminal Activities: Leader of a world-wide cult of stoicism. Acts as a bodyguard on the side for other criminal elements. Does this job by throwing himself physically between his client and danger, regardless of the threat to his own life. This is not done out of devotion, but out of the thought that life is pretty annoying anyway, so why prolong it?

Name: Dammit Doll (aka Thing)
Age: 4 years (b. fall 1994)
Height:
Weight:
Personality: Hmmm... I'm not sure it has one. Masochistic maybe. Definitely weird.
Occupation: Local whipping boy, er, thing.
History: Long-standing associate member of the Dublin Debate Team, it participated in a number of rounds as a silent bystander or as a prop. Its role was to help members relieve their stress legally. It joined the team in New Orleans at the low point in their career, and by the time it left, they were second in State only to Westminster. Rumors of its part in alleged underhanded deals that got them there cannot be verified, though they were unlikely canidates for the honor.
Family: I hope not.
Criminal Activities: Accessory to assault and battery of several pieces of furniture.

No images could be obtained of the Rabbit family, relatives of Bunny of the duo "Bunny and Clyde". The family is known to have several members and to be well-connected in the world of stuffy crime. Law officers are still searching for their whereabouts. If you think you have information that could lead to their arrest, please contact your local law enforcement. Thank you.

This page owned by: Raven
Questions? Comments? Smart Remarks?
Email me at meikundayo@yahoo.com
Last Updated: February 5, 1999

(Main) (Raven) (Family) (Photography) (Writing) (Resume)
(Mei-chan's Anime Addiction) (Raven's Reviews) (Credits)
(Middlesex Morris) (Wellesley College) (My Hometown)
(Friends) (The Den) (The Stuffy Conspiracy)

Disclaimer: Copyrights on lines of stuffed animals and on the names of those lines belong to the producing company or somebody else other than me. Any owner objecting to the use of their product's name on this page should email me and the material will be removed immediately. This page is for the amusement of the general population. No infringement is intended.

Second Disclaimer: GnomeSec wishes to inform the general public that they don't exist. And even if they did, they wouldn't admit to having someone like Bjartur as a member.

Third Disclaimer: Bob wishes to inform everyone that stoicism is not a cult. It is a distinguished life outlook dating back to the ancient Greeks, and it can often be a very healthy defense mechanism for those who are laughed at because they are violet, rather than brown or green or yellow or blue. And he is not bitter. Really.