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Hydrangeas, Australians, and corndogs. Being the 24th part

While unconscious, Z-mage had a very well filmed and strange dream:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - SPRING LAKE, NEW JERSEY - DAY

Z-mage's dream begins with him yawning and putting a cigarette in his mouth as the voice of an unseen woman speaks.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Another modern discovery which we owe to the hydrangea concerns the influence of air drainage upon plant climate...

Z-mage wears army fatigues. We PAN RIGHT to reveal Slick and young AussieBoyPeter also sitting beside him. The PAN continues, revealing the woman who speaks: a middle-aged lady in a flowered hat -- MRS. HENRY WHITTAKER. Notes in hand, she delivers a deadly dull speech in a deadly dull voice to a meeting of the Spring Lake garden club. The entire patrol sits -- docile, serene, and more than a little bored -- in a long line of chairs stretched across the hotel lobby, behind the centered table at which Mrs. Whittaker stands and speaks. Z-mage sits on the end of the line at stage right, in the Mr. Bones position (as in an old time minstrel show). Demonicuss is at stage left. A lot of flowers in a sort of greenhouse-like setting are visible behind them.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Many years ago, when I was traveling about the country, I noticed magnificent hydrangeas on the hills where the air drainage was, er, perfect. And very poor specimens, or perhaps none at all, in the valleys. Formerly, we used to consider sheltered valleys more favorable to plants than hilltops...

The PAN reveals that to Demonicuss's left is a sign noting that the Spring Lake Hotel is hosting Mrs. Henry Whittaker's speech "Fun with Hydrangeas".

MRS. WHITTAKER: ... but the avoidance of late spring and early autumn frost enjoyed by sites with good air drainage where the cold air can drain safely away to lower levels gives the hills a decided advantage.

In the audience sit a mass of white, middle-class, little old ladies in paisley dresses and flowered hats. The PAN continues around the lobby as the ladies listen intently, fuss over their flowers, sip tea, eat cake, smoke cigarettes through fancy holders, adjust bra straps, take notes, etc.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Thus it was the hydrangeas that gave the first pointer in another modern discovery of horticultural importance. From this, it might appear that the hydrangea is a fairly simple plant but there are more complications. The cultivation of hydrangeas was evolved from a number of varieties originally found in Japan, not all of which, of course, have the same characteristics. Two of them do not share the quality of producing blue flowers in mineral rich soils.

At that, Z-mage woke up. "Man, that was a weird dream. Reminded me of 'The Manchurian Candidate.' I wonder what it means."

Then he suddenly realized the hidden meaning behind the dream. He remembered where he last saw that scene.

"My hydrangeas! I forgot to water them!"

Z-mage ran as fast as possible to the Rumbles garden. Here they grew plants of the most vicious variety, and every Saturday they had fights with them. It's more fun than it sounds, really.

It just so happens that he found AussieBoyPeter there, sulking after his deep, surprising, soul seering romance with Prattman, that threatened to tear both the Rumbles and Community boards apart failed to interest anyone enough to write the story.

"Hi Z-mage," Peter said, "This week, my Venus Flytraps will kick your mutated hydrangea's asses. I've been using special sod."

"Yeah, right," Z-mage responded. "I've been using Pokemon DNA, you're still going down. But that's not why I'm here."

With that, he let squirtle and bulbasaur free of their pokeballs to tend to his hydrangeas, and told the Aussie the story.

"So, let me get this straight," Peter said. "Your life is in danger from several conspirators and a rampaging villian designed to be able to destroy entire universes easily, right?"

"Right."

"And you think that, by telling me all this, you'll be able to convince me to use my Ranger powers to help you, when by doing so I'll make myself a walking target, right?"

"Right. You're not going to do it, are you?"

"No, I'll do it," AussieBoyPeter said. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't gone crazy. Let's go."

They began walking to the door that led out of the Rumbles board. As they walked, Peter began singing to himself.

"Everybody
Rock your body
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's Back alright
Kill Greg Hatcher when you hear the word nifty
Tell No one

Oh my god we're back ag-"

"Wait!" Z-mage yelled. "Go back!  What was that last line?"

"Oh my god we're back again?"

"No, before that."

"Oh, you mean 'Backstreet's back, alright?'"

"No, after that!"

"You mean 'Kill Greg Hatcher when you hear the word nifty, tell no one?'"

"Yeah, that's it," Z-mage responded. "Where'd you hear that version of the song?"

"Someone knocked me out awhile ago," Peter answered, "and played it to me over and over and over and over and over and-"

"Yeah, I get that," Z-mage said. "Do you know why?"

"I think they were trying to brainwash me to kill Greg Hatcher and tell no one." Peter answered.

"And they hoped to break your psyche down with a Backstreet Boy's song?" Z-mage asked. "They must not know you very well."

"That's what I was thinking," Peter responded. "Do you think we should tell someone?"

"Well, we should at least tell Greg," Z-mage said. "As a fellow Seattlite and a respected educator I feel he should know about an assassination attempt on his person."

"Okay," Peter said. "Let's go."

With that, Peter did whatever he needs to do to morph, and came out in an orange power ranger costume. They went off to find Greg Hatcher and warn him about the assassination attempt.

They passed Fly on their way out of the Rumbles. He was completely naked and trying to get into a fight. They took the long way around.

Meanwhile, in another part of CBR, the villian Z-mage reflected on his recent run in with his creator. He refused to believe that that was the guy responsible for his creation. He had just run away like that! What a coward! Z-mage uttered a quick spell and suddenly looked like the other Z-mage, except a little thinner. He was going to destroy his creator and take his place. Then he'd destroy DeMonStar. Then he'd destroy that dragon which had attacked him earlier. Then he'd destroy that little bat like thing. Then, for some odd reson, he decided he'd destroy Greg Hatcher. Then he'd destroy anyone who looked at him funny. That would teach his creator for insinuating that he had a small penis.

But the fish his creator left certainly tasted good.

 

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