What the hell does this say: AA A A/ A G E AA E A/ T (hint - those of you too lasy/generally crap to get hold of the font Curlz MT will almost definitely find this easier).

Friday, 10/3/00 

Finally, Ed has managed to get a fully working version of The Interactive Psycho Ivan Experience on his site. As you may have guessed, the previous links are where you want to click to get/go to these. Bye.

This is my favourite ever quote about the Championship Manager: “It’s like Microsoft Excel with better graphics.”

Thursday, 16/2/00 

I suppose I’d better do another update now. It’s been a while since the last one, and anyway, it helps me in my constant struggle against the assertion of effort (just a slight contradiction there). Dave Henry seems to be getting all too interested in my site, insisting that I say how nice he is and take out any mentions of nagging. Well, it’s too late now, isn’t it? That aside, I can get back down to not knowing what the hell to put on this site again. I have absolutely no idea how I have managed to sustain it for so long - there were a couple of good updates at the beginning, and now all I’m doing is adding fancy stuff. Oh well. Your loss, my lack of gain.

Please post some messages on my community/message board/forum system thingy - it’s no fun if you just look at it. I know I’m getting visitors - the counter at the bottom keeps going up. Let’s start some really deep and meaningful discussions, eh? Or maybe just be very imaginative with the abuse you hurl at me and Death Of Soul (who still hasn’t sent me the new batch of HELLOs, thank whatever is or isn’t out there). Ed, I know you come here reasonably often, why don’t you post a message, considering your message board DOESN’T WORK.

On the subject of Ed, his site (The Alien Soup Homepage, in case you didn’t know) now contains a non-working version of Interactive Psycho Ivan. It doesn’t work for two reasons: 1) the link points to a file named psychoivan I.zip, which doesn’t exist, and 2) the file psychoivanI.zip, which does exist (although there are no links to it), comes up with an error when WinZip attempts to open it. He tells me he’ll update the site with a working version this evening, so the most of this paragraph has been pointless, but I’m really running out of ideas here.

Want to chuck darts at Ricky Martin? Click somewhere else.

“It’s like the pot calling the kettle black.” In other words, it doesn’t happen, right? I mean, how often do hear pots talk? Even if they could, I’ve got no idea why they would talk to a kettle, which is clearly an inanimate object. Any fool can see that. (Based on observation made by David Henry, in the poorly founded belief that this would change my opinions of him. It won’t. Please excuse any mistakes in the saying, I can’t say that I’ve really heard it much before. You learn something new every day. Except most of them, which you while away doing something totally and utterly pointless, you pathetic weasel. I hate you.)

Friday, 4/2/00 

Today I reluctantly present the mentions page. I also have a couple of links in my links page. Because I have fulfilled all of my promises, however unsatisfactorily, I'd better make some more, to put you in more suspense - look out for Interactive Psycho Ivan. It should be appearing on The Alien Soup Homepage pretty damned soon (like... fudge it will), and you can expect more than just a link in my page. That's right, I will actually hold the file on my server (internet veterans will know how rare this is). Hopefully this should add some more humour to this site, something I feel it is in drastic lack of at the moment. I'm afraid I'm very tired, and all of today's humour supplies, and much of my retained surplus supply was drained earlier whilst I was pissing around with some friends. It was bloody funny though, so at least I benefited. No care (something lawyers possess in abundance, if it's possibly to possess a lack of anything in abundance. I doubt it, but I live in hope. Occasionally).

"Blessed be the peacemakers". Yep, peacemakers generally need all the help they can get.

Sunday, 30/1/00

I never got around to uploading the update yesterday. I'm trying to cut down on my phone bills you see, although soon BT should be doing a flat rate thingy, as I've already mentioned. If you know when it starts, put a message up in my community thing. I'll probably do a links page today, but I really ought to start on the six months worth of work I've been putting off for, um, six months. If there isn't a link for the links page (laughs hysterically), then I haven't done it, obviously (begins to calm down). Snow fair (a fair held in and/or constructed of snow [don't ask me how the latter would work. The simple answer is that it wouldn't. The more complicated answer is that it might, but for an astoundingly short amount of time]).

The purpose of life: who cares? Why does there have to be one? The reason for staying alive is because death is probably painful and/or uncomfortable. It's probable that you'll never get a second shot at life, so why end the first one?

Saturday, 29/1/00

It's been a while since my last update (8 days - count them on your fingers if you need to). I've decided to put the title in an even more ridiculous font, but I've had to make it an image as I assume that most people don't have the font 'Jokerman' (please inform me if I'm phenomenally wrong). To make up for this disappointingly short update, I'll have a longer Thingy At The End Thing (now the official name of that black text).

The meaning of life: "1 the condition which distinguishes active animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, functional activity, and continual change preceding death... 3 b the duration of a thing's existence as a living individual..." (Concise Oxford Dictionary, Ninth Edition).

Friday, 21/1/00

Today I'm uploading the update I wrote yesterday. I've also uploaded some more HELLOs. God help us (note that referring to Death Of Soul instead of God now would be very inappropriate).

"Aah... you put the staples back in" (this quote was painfully supplied by Ed, the author of the Alien Soup Homepage)

I think I've cracked the problem with www.psychoivan.co.uk. It seems to be working, if you're at another of my sites please try it out. Don't ask me why. It might feel better to be in a domain name site. I dunno. Anyway, I have just recieved, via the miracle that is email, the first few HELLO articles. I am posting them this very minute. Other stuff might happen soon, when I get bored enough. At the moment I'm very happy listening to my recently extended collection of Blur music (Blur, incidentally, are wicked). Speak to you (without you speaking back) soon.

Also today, a new member joins the Psycho Ivan team. He is, rather coincidentally, the author of HELLO, and the person I am currently ICQing. He has just informed me that he wants to be referred to Death Of Soul. At his request I have constructed a simple pole:

Psycho Ivan's Very Long Pole

The sound of one hand clapping is very similar to the sound of the person who asked what it sounded like being belted round their lug 'ole (for those of you what don't speak proper that means ear).

Sunday, 16/1/00

At the request of the vast majority of my readership, I have reduced the font sizes of my site. I have also finally moved to www.psychoivan.co.uk, although some people don't seem to be able to get to it (if it doesn't you can try www.users.freenetname.co.uk/~pivan). I am hoping to get it onto a search engine, although why someone would search for anything relevant to this page is beyond me. I am afraid I can't really be bothered to do anything good at the moment, except promise more stuff to come, when I have time. I have an equally, if not slightly more twisted friend who has written these extremely disturbed 'articles' he refers to rather worryingly cheerfully as 'HELLOs'. I have read them all, and all I can say is that they were... interesting. I must admit they had me chuckling on more than one occasion. Partly on his request, I have decided to put them into their own section in the site. I doubt whether anyone else will really get them, but do you get anything on this page? I doubt it very much. Also, you may discover that shortly the updates will be becoming more regular, because BT will soon be starting a flat-fee system, where I only have to pay £30 a month for unlimited access to the internet (or 7 quid for evenings and weekends, which is the only time I use it, anyway). I can quite ironically say that the future's bright, the future's BT. (Note to all American readers [although I doubt I have any] - this may seem very normal to you, but I have to tell you that us humble Britons have never had the bliss that is unmetered internet access that you take for granted before, and this is actually quite revolutionary for us). Expect another update soon, but not too soon.

If a tree falls over in a forest, and no one hears it, can it still crush deaf things?

Wednesday, 12/1/00 (no millennium bug. I told everyone, but did they listen? Oh, no. Well who's laughing now? Not me. Er, damn)

Oh dear. I seem to have neglected my site for some time. As most people who know me will realise, I was otherwise occupied. It has resulted in the absence of the promised Christmas list, and a general lack of refreshing humour to add a little spark of hope to your dull, drab, depressing, meaningless, suicide-inducingly boring lives (the fact that this spark will probably cause some sort of fire or explosion is irrelevant. Anyway, that adds excitement). Loads of stuff has happened in my life, including the release of Unreal Tournament, which I was very happy about, but I can't be bothered to tell you about any of that now.

A copy of my site may soon appear at www.psychoivan.co.uk, if I can find a free FTP uploading program thing, without a timeout (I used to use Terrapin FTP for the now terminally far behind www.imbetterthanyou.freeserve.co.uk, but that ran out after 30 days, or something). Any suggestions are welcome.

The much linked to Alien Soup Homepage has moved. (Most people would have used an exclamation mark to punctuate the end of that sentence. Why? It is a statement. It is in no way exciting. How I despair.) Its current location is www.geocities.com/tastyaliensoup. I haven't updated any of the links yet, so if you try them, you will reach the cryogenically frozen version, which, I must say, is not that different. Except I think the message board actually works in that one. But, to be fair, the new version has a banner to my wonderful site, but if you compare that to the countless links to his site I've made, it's not a second too late. No hard feelings, Ed, it's just that you don't seem too committed to updating your site (says the person who has had an almost two month long gap between updates). I do appreciate that time and possibly even the dreaded effort went into the artwork, something my site lacks. I have been told that this puts many readers off. Well, if they're willing to produce quality (and possibly, although not compulsilarily [great word I just created there] relevant) artwork, then I'm quite happy to put it up. Preferably scanned or digital photographs of their charred/minced/corroded/drenched/poisoned remains.

As an attempt to lure readers into coming back, I will leave you in anticipation:

Coming soon:

The already mentioned, if rather late, Christmas list (I will do it, honest);

A links page;

More humour (if I can manage);

More garbage (I definitely can manage)

See you in hell.

Friday, 26/11/99

I have mail (said in stupid AOL voice, those who have ever used AOL will know what I mean). It's rather bizarre but that's how I like 'em (I don't really have anything to use as comparison as this is my first non-personal mail, but oh well). I've just created a couple of mail page links, and am now going to piss off and play TFC for a ridiculously expensive amount of time (message to phone companies: burn eternally in the fiery pits of hell). Bye.

Thursday, 25/11/99

The novelty value of this site must be wearing off - more than a week since the last update. Steve (hacking bloke) has not only changed The Alien Soup Homepage back to its former glory (not that impressive, but OK), but actually improved it. Don't ask me why. Maybe he does have a conscience after all. There's even an apology when the page is loading. Wow.

I need to start adding some amazing downloads or something. E-mail me with any sensible suggestions, bearing in mind that I'm no artist. In fact, disregard the thing about it having to be sensible. On the subject of art, anyone willing to waste time so stupidly is quite free to e-mail me vaguely relevant or maybe just totally bizarre artwork for me to put on my page. I'm writing this as if anyone I don't know is going to visit this site. This is almost impossible, as I haven't figured out how to get it working properly on a search engine. I tried Yahoo, but even when I blatantly typed in the name of the page, it didn't come up. It won't even come up in Geocities searches. Everybody who comes here please try and put it on a search engine. Or die. Another contradiction - I said please as if it where a requested, but then went on to threaten the reader, as if it was more of a demand. Great (aren't one word sentences great? Even better than really short ones).

I'm going to annoy everyone by ending this entry boringly unspectacularly. And for Ed's benefit, I won't say 'so there'. Well, I have now, but that didn't count. Bo bear (a big brown thing with claws which is also considered very good by a certain community).

Wednesday, 17/11/99

Gasp (said with extreme lack of enthusiasm) - almost a week since the last update. (Still in slow, sarcastic tone of voice) how could you have coped? Just put this up because I was going online anyway, and I know someone who can fiddle around with Geocities sites (Geocities official people please do something about this). Just so that he can be beaten to death in the streets by angry fans, he's called Steve, and he's already fiddled (if rather pathetically) with The Alien Soup Homepage (another advert - how grateful the author must feel). So if this changes to something very different, and very possibly funnier, it's all his fault, kill him. If Steve is reading this, I would appeal to your conscience if you had one. Oh well. I'll just change it back straight away. Git.

Thursday, 11/11/99

Hello again. I've been ill. Some unsatisfied reader obviously cursed me with the dreaded influenza. How dare they?!? (bloody question mark/exclamation mark combo) Do you know what I'm going to do with them? Good. I will now proceed to enlighten those of you who aren't telepathically gifted. I will melt them down and throw them in the Pot. That's right, the Pot (note capital). I have been planning this for some time now, whilst confined to the hideous realms of my bed, and now my plan is finally coming into realisation. For years, my response to the question of what I'd do with anything once its use became redundant, was to melt it down and recycle it. I then started using it when enquired about why I would like to buy something: "I'll buy it, try it out, and if I don't like it, I'll just melt it down and recycle it." Then, one day, on a bus, I had the brilliant notion of putting it all into one big pot, and recycling it all into one huge and inevitably disastrous monster type thing. Now I've decided that I'll put just about everything into the pot, including those damned fingerboards crappy type of crappy crap things (I'd better stop the crappy thing while I still can). And I'll boil it and mix it all up and pour acid into it and out of it will emerge this hideous fiend which will loom over all but not actually be as bad as it appears, and it will seek only to be loved, but it will remain outcast from society, until it is driven to commit the crimes that everyone imagined it would in the first place, and then it would end up destroying itself along with its creator (that's me! [don't you just despise people who say that? They must be melted down and cast into the pot]), in a tragic conclusion to a moving novelisation by a female horse which looks slightly like a shell, then the prone body of the demon could be blasted with a flamethrower by a bloke who's spine has been removed and now has a mind of it's own, which assisted in the act (good lord, that was a phenomenally long sentence - 154 words including the brackets that do actually have conclusive punctuation in them, but that doesn't count, hang on, bugger, it's 183 now, no 186, oh damn it all the way to fiery abomination). And the big ball of flame would be launched into space, and it would look like a star, so they could call it Frank and Spine's Mini-star. For those of you who were confused by the novelisation bit, a female horse is a mare... Mary... Mary Shelly... the author of Frankenstein. Oh, I give up, you're all bloody stupid and I hate you all (what a great way of getting readers to come back). My supplies of insane natterings is running low, let me refuel for a couple of months.

Sunday, 7/11/99

Finger boards. Good. The previous two sentences couldn't be much further apart in similarity. Allow me to visually illustrate how different they are:

Finger boards.

Good.

You will note the astoundingly enormous gap between the two. Of course, this representation is not to scale. For both of them to be visible at the same time you would have to be so far away from the centre point that they would both be so miniscule that you would have to split the electron to find something to compare their apparent size. Of course, this would mean that they would not both be visible, as they would be far too small. Don't you simply love contradictions? Now just try imagining how far apart fingerboards and wicked are. It's even more impossible than fingerboards and good. Wow, another contradiction - how can something be more impossible than something else? It can't. I was lying to you all along. So there. Ha ha ha.

For any of you who are fortunate enough not to have encountered these 'toys' (I hesitate to class these even as something a small child should ever be seen voluntarily in the same room as), I will give you a short glimpse of hell. A hell, anyhow. They are these crappy little pieces of crappy plastic with crappy little crappy wheels in the crappy shape of a crappy skateboard, with crappy little crappy stickers to give the crappy impression of crappy designs, which they are frankly crap at. You can supposedly do tons of neat tricks (neat? Hah, crap word). There is, in fact, only one trick you can do, and it's crap. You push down as hard as you can on one of the crappy ends and hope it doesn't hit your hand. If it doesn't, it does a crappy little flip in the air, and lands upside down, looking really crap. To add to the immense crappy excitement, they come with crappy little toolkits, which don't actually do anything. How crap (the reader may start thinking that the author is relying on the word 'crap' to be funny and aggressive. Not so. I am merely trying to give you an inkling of an idea of how damn awful these stupid things are. My vocabulary does actually extend further than the word 'crap'. But all the other words are crap [note: not last appearance of ludicrously long sets of brackets]). Don't bother even contemplating thinking about considering even possibly maybe perhaps buying one. In fact, reading this is giving them far too much acknowledgement. You must perform lobotomy on yourself to be cleansed. Writing this is almost as bad as promoting them. I shall be sure to commit suicide as soon as I have finished writing this article. I shall do mankind a favour by swallowing as many fingerboards as I can, then pick up as many as I can, before leaping into a pit full of either exceedingly hot lava, or extremely strong acid.

Also, today:

Two new nature conservation charities have been launched. The first, the Ink Preservation Society, believe that they must do their best to conserve what little oil is left on the earth, by using as little ink (which, as we all know, contains oil) as possible. If this makes handwritten notes a no-no, well tough. If this impairs their ability to print anything on any printers other than Laser Jets, so be it. The general loss of work done is considered a small price to pay to help make our oil last that little bit longer. Those interested should find anyone named J. Anton and pester him incessantly about this. Or not, as he may kill me if you do, and that would mean an end to all this mindless drivel, which I just know you all enjoy so, so much.

The second is the Save the Electron Fund. This rather misguided charity believes that it would be a good idea to turn off all electronically powered instruments for at least 5 hours a week, in an attempt to save the lives of millions of hapless electrons. They feel particularly strongly about computer monitors and televisions, as not only do these media use electrons for power, but they also fling them 'cruelly' at a big sheet of glass. Said a fund spokesperson:

"We don't care whether these poor electrons 'excite' multicoloured lumps of phosphor, they can find their thrills elsewhere. We wish to, on behalf of the electrons themselves, call a 5-hour strike every week. I will personally be turning off my mother's life-support machine this Saturday. It's her birthday, you see, and although she can no longer communicate, I'm sure it's what she wants. The doctors say that she'll be as right as rain by the end of the month, but the electrons can't wait that long. Goodnight."

Shortly afterwards, for apparently no reason whatsoever, he was beaten to death by a disgruntled toilet cleaner wielding a toothbrush. After committing the offence, the rather grubby man wandered aimlessly off, muttering something about not having been paid for advertising some sort of sight. When questioned, he simply screamed "NEVER" very loudly (maybe visiting the Alien Soup Homepage would shed some light on this...).

My God, that was a long article. I must have been, er, pooh bored.

Monday, 1/11/99

Dammit, I'm beginning to make a habit of this stupid updating lark. I just thought I might as well put a link to the Alien Soup Homepage. It's made by this person I know, and he puts up games made in this program called The Games Factory (which I own, but someone has borrowed for a frustratingly long amount of time) to download free. Well, it wouldn't exactly be a good idea to charge for them.

Friday 30/10/99

Look! Less than a week since the last update. "But you promised," I hear you cry. Well tough luck, I'm not a man who sticks to his word, so there. Look again! (don't you just hate misused exclamation marks?) 7 visitors. Wow! I'm popular, and better than you! "Hang on," you reply, thoughtfully, "how many times have you been here, hmm?" Well, 7 actually, but at least that means that you don't exist, so there you non-existent figment of my deranged imagination. Hah! Try and beat that one! YOU CAN'T! Coz you don't exist! Neener neener neeeeener, naah naah nahnaah naah! Hang on, I'm rather childishly insulting something that doesn't even exist. Damn. I suppose I will have to settle with another exclamation mark! And maybe even an entire volley!!! I'm sane!!!!! Mr. Parkinson is a communist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (only an extremely select group of people, i.e. me and a mate, will actually get this joke. Oh well, the humour is too good to share. I'd better conform with the rest of the Internet community by closing this ridiculously long set of brackets with a 'smiley' :o) (Look at that nose! Wicked! Well, it looks a lot better than the standard :) (And the other one :-) :o(Unless, of course, you don't have that Curlz [isn't using a z instead of an s zuch a cool dude super mega modern idea, thumbs up, etc.] font) (No more faces, so there).

Tuesday 26/10/99

It's been ages since I wrote the first bit of this site, and I'm only just putting it up now. Oh well. I suppose I've been doing other stuff. Or maybe I've been so preoccupied avoiding doing other stuff that I couldn't actually get down to doing anything else. Who cares? Who's reading this? Very few people, except some people I know, I suspect. I mean, how are you going to find this site with such an obscure address? With much difficulty, that's how.

I'm eagerly awaiting the release of Unreal Tournament, which was meant to be out some time ago now. I got a video clip of it from a cover disc on PC Zone (a wicked magazine, by the way), and knew that I had to have it. At first I thought it would be out some time in September, then last Sunday, and now probably some time in November or something. I ordered my copy ages ago and it still hasn't arrived. I just hope it's as good as it looks and the review in PC Zone claimed it would be, and that it runs on my computer.

By the way, don't expect regular updates, I'm too busy avoiding doing stuff. You never know, come summer I might update it daily, but not right now. Expect the minimum time between updates to be at the very least a week. So there.

Today I also added the LovePsychoIvan and KillPsychoIvan Yahoo (free) email addresses. Send mail to the appropriate address and I may post it if it is either humorous or worrying enough. Should be a laugh if anyone ever goes to my site.

Sometime long ago, and quite possibly in a galaxy considerably further than a short walk down the road.

Hello. What an amazingly meaningful first word for a web page. Wow.

I am Psycho Ivan. I live in England. I have just got a super turbo ninja, er, basket (or possibly bar steward) Pentium III PC with a modem, so I thought I might as well put up a web site. Don't expect anything amazing, I haven't really used HTML much before. I play computer games loads, and have been, in some form or another, for some years now. Apart from my PC, I also have an N64, which is really good and in my opinion much better than a Playstation (please don't mail me about this, I know how many people disagree with me).