These are the works of a very very frightening man. I've known him since I was little. I would like to say we had many happy memories, because they say that sort of thing in films with Happy Endings, but I would be lying. Actually, that's not very unusual. All right then: we have many happy memories. Read from the bottom up.

Just leave. Turn around and leave now. NOW I TELL YOU. Just make sure you don't make any sudden movements.

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HELLO 6

6

HELLO again fans, I AM really SORRY about the gap between the last HELLO but time to me means very little. I almost repeat ALMOST REPEAT ALMOST decided to write no more HELLO's shock HORROR. I will give up time - 5 seconds, energy - pressing some keys, money - no money and something else - nothing. SORRY once again but you were worried about the YEAR 2000 yes I no no no (HAHAHAHA get the joke with no no no rather than know know know - OH WELL I try my best if you don't LIKE my jokes then I will GO ELSE WHERE) but I knew that nothing would happen as I know just about anything (I was wrong in a sense something happened on the 1/1/2000 which was unusual but I haven't the time to work it out). Another thing fans I have found some other interesting things look at www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-t003.html and a thread from AOK HEAVEN. For laughs almost as good as my ones (NOTHING repeat NOTHING is better than my jokes). I also have a important thing to discuss NO two important things but read on reader who ever you are from whatever walk of life the secrets of the Universe are here for you to read. The forcast for the end of the world is that sadly you are all going to die on Monday. Sad in a way but good in another - you don't have to go to work or school as you are dead your bosses or teachers can't complain as they are also dead so be happy BE DEAD. HAHAHAHA your not going to die for this week anyway but next week WELL watch out for the next HELLO if not you may die without realising it. Onto the next thing I will talk about the only other true god than me. EVEN if you have not heard his name you will SHAKE when you see it now LUCKY (note if anyone has any heart problems please do not read those words - LUCKY) SORRY to shock you fans when you get over the SHOCK of it which you MAY NEVER DO I will talk about Lucky more and answer some questions about him. For any information on LUCKY email me at dspencer@kspencer.screaming.net THANKS ONCE AGAIN fans.

HELLO 5

5

HELLO, again fans I'm back. SOO you must have LOTTS of questions to ask me. Well, what on? The secrets of the Universe perhaps? Me maybe? About yourselves no about I don't know. I do not know what to talk about. Ok I have got it BOM BOM BOMMM about the destiny of mankind. Aha aha aha, yess I'm going to say that mankind have no chance that they are surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrounded by noottttttttthing. You arre all goinng to die just face it. I will make sure that there are no planets within 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 million light years from earth that will support life. Well then there won't be once I get around to them. So everything is looking grim. ALRIGHTY THEN. When I come back in 100 billion years time if I am quick and then I can come along and look around the dead world and say that I was here. Hehe. I'm sorry about today's issue that it is so grim and depressing and that you are doomed. BUT! Remember to never lose hope not even when you are dying as you know are a tiny tiny germ on a tiny tiny dot circling a tiny tiny blob and your life has been a waste of time and energy. Shall I quote from Macbeth "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace day after day after day". It cheers me up to read such depressing words. To end it on a pleasant relaxing smoothing note LA LA LA LA LA LA. I have decided to do a ordnance survey map of everywhere in the Universe. Sounds a bit ambitious does it? Ah well. I know I know I know and you don't ha ha ha ha ha. Yes well I could get some helpers to, you know help me out. HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE. Remember my offer is still open for people to become members. Contact me at death_of_soul@yahoo.com and death_of_soul@hotmail.com. So a final HEELLLOOOO.

HELLO 4

4

HELLO again fans, for the destruction of the earth forecast I predict that the earth won't be destroyed over the next few days. I have planned this experiment with great skill and I am testing it as I speak. So anyway I have been away for a bit so you must be desperate to hear more about the secrets of the Universe so what do you want to know? Did I hear someone say the meaning of life? You said it yess I know you did don't deny it. Well this is a difficult question to answer as although I did create life I didn't realise it for a few million years. Hang on a sec…………………Ahh I have it now. The meaning of life is to live is to die. Quite witty I say hahahaha. Ok I have calmed down now what I was saying was MY PLANS FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD. "GOOD BYE MR BOND". "DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WALK" "NO MR BOND I EXPECT YOU TO FLY". Well, anyway I was getting down to the meaning of life. Well I'm sorry to say it "NO YOU ARE NOT MR BOND" Gothic horror music is played and then with a bang. Life has NO MEANING. Please everyone calm down just because you are completely worthless you don't need to get upset about it. Note, I did warn you in a earlier edition that reading this will make your life worthless. Well, remember my email address is at death_of_soul@yahoo.com or death_of_soul@hotmail.com so if you have any problems to name a few depression, suicide or murder contact me at that address so with a big "GOOD BYE MR BOND" no it's not that it's time to stop so with a big HELLO. See ya fans.

Psycho Ivan's comment:
The bits about 'Mr. Bond' is our rather poor joke based on one of the Bond movies. If you haven't seen it, you'd better read my short explanation: James is (I think) stuck on some sort of metal table, with his wrists and ankles secured with metal hoop thingies. There is a laser thing slowly burning the table between his legs, working its way upwards. Bond defiantly cries "Do you expect me to talk", but the villian replies, disobeyig the ancient unwritten rules of villainship, "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

To pass the time during a very boring holiday to Portugal (I don't see the point in going to hot places), we were saying these quotes, along with one from a different Bond film- "Goodbye, Meeeysta Bond" (spelt phonetically), in very silly voices. Then, when we for some reason had to go on a long walk which was even more boring than hanging around doing nothing, we realised that the words 'walk' and 'talk' rhymed. So we rather appropriately swapped the words. Shortly afterwards I think someone was talking about how much easier it would be to fly to wherever we were going, and we realised that 'fly' rhymed with 'die'. Now we had a vaguely coherant set of altered quotes. After that the hours just flew by, at about 30 mpeh (minutes per English hour), as opposed to the previous 5 mpeh. How sad our lives must seem to you.

HELLO 3

3

HELLO, again fans. For this week's forecast is the world is going to end well the chances are that there is 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 chance that you the world will end if you are unlucky. I'm sorry to announce that I will be unable to write anymore for a while as I am going on holiday. But I would like to tell you some more before I go. I would like to first of all to say how useful this computer this. It will saves me speaking to you all one to one. Are you a bit tired of the Secret's of the Universe, well I will tell you a bit about myself then. First of all, you all know how I came about so I won't waste repeating myself myself myself (hahaha). I tour this Universe, planet by planet star by star. Quite a few are pretty boring but some are really interesting it was only 100,000 years ago that I went to Mars, fascinating place. All that water underground, just waiting to waiting for the day when it will come out and bring life to Mars. Well, by that time I come back it will be a shell of a planet with no life. Same goes with Earth. You wouldn't believe it but I have spent all the between now and the beginning of the Universe touring the Universe and I have seen barely a fraction of it. I'm thinking of getting some helpers, then we can write about what we have found out over the Internet. Only problem is we haven't got any telephone cables (in space). Well I will find a well. So does anybody out there want to be immortal? Sorry didn't hear you did you say "No". No don't argue with me I'm sure that you did. WELL, I might come back later and decide if I want anybody from here in a few million years time, when I have made up my mind. Oh sorry I forgot, you will all be dead in a few million years time. Oops, spoiled the surprise. Sorry. So you want to hear more? Ok. Yet's say that it will get a little hot around here, hehe. So how did I make heaven and hell all those years ago if I hadn't seen Earth for a long time (billions of years). Well I knew about living creatures (and no longer living creatures), so I thought that it would be a waste if they just vanished so I sent them to these places – you have already heard about them. I don't know about how people found out about heaven and hell. The devil probably sent someone back to Earth to tell people about it. He must of put people off from going to hell as he gets nervous around people. I can now understand the God they worship is me. However, all those things that I'm supposed to have done in the bible. Well it's all nonsense if you ask me. You can worship me by telling me all you know about the Universe, I know lots but more would be useful. I would like to write a book on the Universe, planet by planet, star by star. The only problem being that some won't exist will not exist by the time I find them. This is why I need helpers, if you want to help me run the Universe and have some information on this planet please contact me at this email address death_of_soul@hotmail.com or death_of_soul@yahoo.com

HELLO 2

2

HELLO, again fans, for the world destruction forecast, I can with confidence tell you that the world won't end this week. Now onto bigger things. The creation of the Universe is interesting. I did not mean it to happen, when I was around (literary flying around) I noticed lots of dust. Now that may seem surprising to see pieces of dust flying around space. So I decided why not have a game with them. SO I put some dust together into ball – hundreds and hundreds of them and then I sent them in all directions and chased them. However they collected more and more dust so they became well, planet size. At first this didn't worry me as I thought well at least it means that I have got all of my dust into place. SO I collected them all together and had some fun with them, then disaster struck. I had a cold and I sneezed. This sent all the planet's away from me and created well everything apart dust. Including you. Isn't it interesting for you to know that you are a piece of my snot however small. Well after that I decided why bother spending billions of years to collect it if it only blew away after I had a cold. SO, that was that. I must tell you fans that I won't be stay much longer and it will be a long time until I return (3 billion years to be precise). I DID sat that I was going to talk about humans more, well you are lucky lucky lucky, oh oh oh (laugh) please PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!… I have calmed down now, what was I saying? Oh well it doesn't matter. Oh I know. Not telling hehehe. So you want to know? Really? Well all right then. I have considered killing you all. YESS YESS KILL KIL CARNAGE… YESSSS. SO CHILDREN BE SEEING YOU NEXT TIME. SO DIE DIE DIE………….. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

HELLO 1

1

HELLO again fans I will start of by saying that the world won't end tomorrow or in three days time as some think. Now I will get down to the purpose of today – the secrets of the Universe. WARNING – This may affect your health and make your life worthless, but it's worth it. I AM A GOD. I decided to create this universe for fun. It was hard work – life was a accident I dribbled in my sleep and made oceans, but well it's a fun place anyway. Lots of people pray to this other God but I AM THE ONLY TRUE GOD – how many times have you heard that? The people who try to get to heaven are so boring that I send them down to hell which contradicts to what most people is a place where people are tortured so badly that they want to die. Now let's get this straight. Satan is a nice person but a bit dull – locked with him for all time would be a hell. He gives him everything they want and tells them everything. However Hell is just one big hotel like thing – used to be a dungeon but what people expect changes. Most people think it's heaven at first and then find out it is hell and to tell you the truth it's their own fault. They want to go to a nice place where their hearts desires are fulfilled. Heaven is a very different place it's a house of horror. People get killed and tortured the whole time but come back to life the next day. The really cool people are allowed to run the place and add to it. If you want to know where this place is, it's a fair distance away. However your ticket there is death. I think that earth is a good place it is both in heaven and hell – I didn't know what to do with people when they died. Well that's all. Next week I will talk about the creation of the universe and about humans more. So until next time let's say a big HELLO.
Psycho Ivan's comment:
O.K., more explanation needed here. This, as some of you may have guessed, was written sometime just before Nostradamus predicted the world would end (I told everyone he was wrong: all the other predictions were revealed after the predicted event happened. Smells distinctly of aquatic life to me). In this rare instance, our friend was right- the world didn't end, but it didn't take a genius to predict that one. As for the revelations about the afterlives, if you're religious, don't take it too seriously- it's all harmless fun.

The introductory HELLO

HELLO

So with a big HELLO! to you. If you have spent time getting to this document then well it has not been a waste of time. I must first add that many secrets involving the world and other worlds will be revealed. Look out for "The secrets of the Universe" will be coming out in the near future. This will be updated at least once a week. So with a big HELLO I hope you enjoy yourself.
Psycho Ivan's comment:
Right, I think this needs some explanation. The author, who I have known for many years, has never been very normal. But that's O.K.- I'm not that normal. We, and many others, happily paddled slightly behind the ship that is sanity. But slowly, as life went on, my friend fell further and further behind, until he was a mere speck on the horison. In fact, I don't really think he ever even left the harbor in the first place. But enough of this rather bizarre metaphor already. He has now come to the point where he thinks that both he and one of his cats are gods, that I was once eaten by the cat in question (which is, incidently, the offspring [don't get excited Ed] of one of my three cats), and that reading weird history books and playing Age of Empires II for excessive amounts of time is really an acceptable way of life (on the contrary, he should be reading Terry Pratchett and playing Unreal Tournament). Oh well, he's an alright bloke in reality, it's just that he, like me, needs to escape reality occasionally. Anyway, I have left the grammer in the original, rather imaginative state. He claims that he wrote it as he thought of it, without checking for mistakes or anything. If you find it hard to follow, sit in a cave until you go insane, and you'll understand perfectly.

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