The Idiots' Guide to Raven Shield

I've previously written no less than three of these "helpful" guides for Battlefield 1942 (BF1942). Part one was inspired largely by players who broke brave, new ground in the field of uselessness. Little did I know that part two would soon follow, all thanks to an unprecedented abundance of team killing. And nobody but nobody was more surprised than I was at part three. So many players, so little intelligence.

In truth, I was really hoping I wouldn't have to write an idiots' guide to Raven Shield (RS), but the player community dictates otherwise. There are so many idiots out there, it's just not fair that the few competent players stick out like they do. You people know who you are: you kill the enemy, you don't kill your teammates, and you generally get the job done. I know how you must suffer, how you must feel so alone out there.

Worry not, dear friends, help is on the way. I'm confident that once you've read the following suggestions you too will be able to play like complete idiots, to fit in and not suffer the pain of being so... different. It will take some time and effort. And it will surely seem more than a bit strange at first, but trust me on this one: you too can play RS like a total idiot if only you'll take my advice.

• Safety first. It's appalling, I know, but not even one of the weapons in RS has a safety, a trigger lock, child-proofing, or any other means to prevent accidental misfire. America's children are her greatest resource; do your part and always remember that safety comes first. Think of Maude Flanders and say to yourself, in a hysterical tone, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!?!" At any rate, given the unconscionable lack of weapon safety features, there's only one thing to do: take your finger off the trigger completely. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you might fire your weapons. The risk is simply too great. The only exception is when helping to train your teammates in avoiding incoming fire, about which more in a moment. Remember: if not for yourself, do it for the children.
• Share your frag grenades. Can we be honest with each other for just a moment? I think we're all aware of the serious shortage of frag grenades in the game. At most, a player can carry a mere six frag grenades; that will never do. So don't hesitate for even a moment to toss one to a teammate; you never know when he might need it. Heck, just to be safe, why not throw all of your frag grenades to your teammates, preferably at the spawn point when you're still nice and close to each other? The life that you save might be your own—trust me, I've seen how badly you throw them, so I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
• Make use of the buddy system. It was good advice when I learned how to swim, and it's still good advice today. So, the next time you see a teammate about to go quickly and easily through a door, be his buddy! That is, run right up there and engage with him immediately. If he can't seem to go through, it probably means he has commitment issues; be sure to wait until he's ready to try again and then go shoulder to shoulder with him at the door. Don't worry if the two of you get stuck there and never actually make it through, for the destination isn't nearly as important as the journey you take together. Sure, your other teammates might complain about you blocking the way, getting them killed, etc., but I'm sure you can forgive their insensitivity.
• Silence is golden. The world of RS is hectic enough, what with all the ambient sounds, footsteps, doors, and, sadly, the tragic cacophony of violence and mayhem. When you see a member of the other team you could yell "Tango spotted!" with a quick V-1-5, but I think we all recognize the need for restraint. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the environment. Think of how all those terribly damaging sound waves pummel the classic architecture and flora in the maps of RS. No, there's only one way to keep the garden growing on the Penthouse map and that's to respect it. No yelling! Oh, and if one of your teammates is enough of a polluter to make a mistake, calling wildly for backup and frightening the shrubbery with all his dismal shooting, just stay put and do your best to forgive him. Perhaps a quick prayer for his soul might be in order, and for more than merely his lack of environmental awareness.
• Be a bringer of light. To update an old adage for a more modern world, 'tis better to flashbang than to curse the darkness. There is so much darkness in RS, be it on night time maps, in closed corners, and so forth. So much darkness. Think of all the poor souls who have perished since the game was released, unable to find their way through the blackness—and/or too "dim" to use the gamma correction adjustment. It's up to you to be their spiritual leader: throw them a flashbang, preferably right in front of them, to light their path. They'll see the light. If not, well, then keep trying until they do. Jesus wouldn't let his teammates wander in the darkness, would he? Neither should you.
• Help your teammates learn. The best way to avoid getting hurt in RS is to stay out of the way of all that dreadful ordnance. Take a moment and think how awful you'd feel if one of your teammates were to run through some strange door in an unfamiliar hallway and meet his untimely end, courtesy of acts of unspeakable violence at the hands of the other team. I know, I know: it breaks my heart too. You can help your teammates greatly in this regard simply by training them to avoid incoming fire. As soon as you spawn, start firing at your teammates. They'll catch on soon enough and will well and truly gain a new "appreciation" for you. If they become frustrated with their own inability to dodge properly, be sure to remind them gently that you're saving them from certain death at enemy hands. Their anger won't help them survive, and even the hardest heart will be moved by such a demonstration.
• Do whatever it takes to stop the violence. I don't normally advocate this kind of thing, but I feel it only appropriate in light of the degree to which cheating exists in the on-line gaming community. The sad truth is that some people feel the need to play honorably, to play intelligently, to work together as a team, and, sadly, to shoot all those nasty bullets at the enemy. What a tragically sad world in which we live! I think we can all agree that sometimes it's necessary to do something we find morally objectionable in order to bring about a greater good. So by all means, cheat like the dickens and then deny it when caught. I got the idea while spectating a player named "Easy(FYU)", who kept spinning around and firing into the corners of walls, firing into the floor, etc. Yet despite his hilarious antics he managed to maintain the highest score in the game, more than doubling that of his nearest competitor. When I asked in public chat about his odd behavior, he issued a quick denial that he was cheating and then left the server immediately. It brings such a "warmth" to my heart, knowing that he was simply doing his best to stop the violence, that I cannot say more about the whole affair. I'm just that choked up about it all.
• Maintain your weapon properly. One of the most terrible situations a counterterrorist operative can face is an encounter with the enemy when his weapon is jammed. Don't let this happen to you. Whenever you think an enemy might be nearby, whenever you think he's just about to run out from behind cover and open fire, whenever you've fired even a handful of rounds and know he's nearby and ready to shoot at any second, be sure to reload your primary weapon immediately. Oh, sure, you could pull out your secondary and return fire instead, but that's simply inexcusable. You might hurt someone, and even if you don't you'll surely dull the finish from the constant friction with the holster. Those guns aren't cheap, and it just isn't worth it.
• Facilitate emotional honesty. If you've followed the other suggestions made thus far, then I have no doubt that the other players on the server will be "touched", their emotions running at an all-time high. As anyone who's ever watched Oprah knows—come now, don't be ashamed to admit that you're a fan too—it's not good to keep even the slightest of feelings to yourself. Normally there's not much a person can do to help another open up and become vulnerable, but RS provides counterterrorist operatives with the perfect tool: tear gas. This only works until the players, no doubt afraid to confront their inner demons, don gas masks, so you've got to be quick about it. When the opportunity strikes, throw tear gas everywhere. The tears in their eyes and the emotions that they feel will surely be genuine, I can promise you that.

Well, that's the best I can offer right now, dear reader. And as with my previous guides I can't take credit for these things. No, too many players contributed to my research on the public servers for me to take any real credit. So, as before, if your RS game isn't what it could be, if you stick out on the server like a rotting body part, if your teammates aren't cursing your name before God and tearing out what little hair they have left in displays of friendly camaraderie, then try my suggestions. I know they'll help you to fit in, to become a part of the thriving community of idiots that play RS.

04/22/2004