The Idiots' Guide to Battlefield 1942, Part 2

As I wrote previously, I have this theory: Battlefield 1942 (BF1942) is an idiot magnet. In my previous article on the subject, I provided several useful suggestions for those not sure how to be an idiot while playing BF1942. Since that time, I've been "lucky" enough (naturally) to find even more idiotic teammates than before. Seriously, this bunch makes the last round of tips look like a physics lecture from Einstein. Thus, I thought I would take another crack at making it possible for everyone to play without the slightest shred of intelligence. Toward that end, I offer the following, additional tips.

• Always "pick up" your teammates. It's just common courtesy, really, that when a nearby teammate calls for a pickup, you should respond if you're at all able. When doing so on the ground, I suggest pointing the vehicle directly at them and accelerating to maximum speed without ever stopping—you wouldn't want to waste their time, after all, would you? This works very nicely with tanks, for example, as you'll soon be in a good position to "pick up" what's left of your teammate from the surrounding area. If using a plane instead, aim somewhat off-center so that your wings are roughly at head level; that should make it much easier for your teammate. Before long, they will be "thanking" you for your courtesy over and over.
• Use vehicles strategically. I suggested previously that you should use up as many vehicles as possible—you know, to prevent your teammates from getting targeted by the enemy. Since then I've seen the light. The true idiot does not simply jump into a vehicle he has no clue how to use, driving around pointlessly accomplishing nothing. No, that is the amateur approach to the way of the idiot. The true master idiot parks the vehicle in such a fashion that it can't be used anymore and simultaneously prevents others from using other vehicles as well! It would never have occurred to me, for example, to park a plane on the middle of a runway with its nose to the ground. Once this is done, however, the plane cannot be moved, and because it's in the middle of the runway, no other planes can take off—how's that for killing two birds with one stone!? This works best, of course, if friendly fire is disabled. Wedging a tank sideways on a narrow bridge is another great example, but feel free to improvise!
• Share your grenades liberally. As any serious player knows, grenades are a deadly part of the BF1942 arsenal. As such, you should consider it your duty to keep your teammates supplied with them. In other words, keep chucking grenades at your teammates without pause. This works especially well if you're standing right next to an ammo crate, of course, but be sure to share the three you have with your teammates whenever possible. Caution: if an enemy vehicle or infantry is nearby, you shouldn't do this; he might take that nasty grenade for himself and do something awful with it. Your colleagues will "appreciate" this all the more if friendly fire is enabled. Hey, I know what you're thinking, but if your teammates don't bother to pick the grenades up before they go off, well, that's their problem. Not everybody can be as smart or as giving as you are.
• Give your teammates a boost. When playing as the engineer, you alone of all the classes have the ability to give your teammates a huge boost. Let's say they're setting out for the enemy base in their shiny new tank. The very best thing you can do is wait until they just start to roll over the four loads of dynamite you left on the bridge, then detonate it. With a little luck, you'll launch them all the way to the enemy outpost as fast as greased lightning, and that saves a lot of time.
• Make sure they understand you. I suggested previously that you should never select a useful class. From playing on several servers tonight, I can see that many of you have taken my advice to heart. This time around I simply must go further, however, and exhort you as well to make sure that the other team understands your intent. Make it utterly clear that you mean them no harm; i.e., that you in no way want to do them injury, take their vehicles, capture their control points, etc. Too often in this crazy mixed-up world, failure to communicate leads to hurt feelings and sometimes even violence. Don't let this happen when you're playing BF1942. So, for example, when playing as a medic, run around with your medikit clearly visible. When playing as an engineer, run around with your wrench for all to see. If you're a scout, well, whip out those binoculars and strike a non-threatening pose. Note well: I'm not encouraging you to use any of these tools; that could be misinterpreted as a hostile act, and nobody wants that. Instead, just run around with them out and available instead of a weapon. I know it might be hard for you to listen to the nagging cries of your dying teammates, but let's face facts: violence on your part isn't going to accomplish anything useful.
• Practice mercy killing. To die with dignity; that's all many people want from their final moments. Think of the horror of being torn to shreds by the machine gun on a tank. Think of the awful, searing humiliation that must come from being sniped from afar because you stood perfectly still while trying to figure out the voice-comm keys. These are deaths unbecoming the valiant soldiers of BF1942. Nay, they deserve something better, and it's up to you to make sure they receive the kind of compassionate euthanasia they deserve. This isn't to be something taken lightly, mind you. If you merely wound a teammate, he might not understand. So always shoot for the head; i.e., go for the quick, compassionate kill. Trust me, you're doing your fellow idiot a favor (I've seen the way he plays).

Again, I can't take credit for the above suggestions, for they would never have occurred to me on my own. Instead, I have to thank all the idiots out there on BF1942 servers around the world who showed me the way. I thought I had seen the idiot in his natural habitat. I thought I had learned the way of the idiot. I was wrong, and I hang my head in shame, for I still don't fit in among them. Nay, I stand in slack-jawed amazement in the presence of those players who helped me with the above suggestions, for they truly define a new standard of play. Take my word for it: if only you will pay attention to these and other useful tips, you too can be a part of the thriving community of idiots that play BF1942.

01/30/2003