The Idiots' Guide to Battlefield 1942, Part 3

I have a hard time believing it, but I find myself yet again with another collection of tips on how to play Battlefield 1942 (BF1942). Many have commented on my first essay on the subject, and more still have written to let me know that the second installment "helped" them greatly. Let's face the ugly truth, folks: BF1942 is an idiot magnet, and, as such, if you're not playing like an idiot, you're not going to fit in very well with the rest of your team. Trust me, I've seen them play. I offer this third installment as a testament to the sheer creativity in vapidity that I've found on countless BF1942 servers around the world.

• Clear those awful mines. As any goofball who fawned over Princess Diana knows, land mines are icky because they stay around roughly forever, eventually killing some poor farming schmuck decades later. It goes without saying that engineers in BF1942 can render a landscape positively rotten with mines in no time. Just imagine some poor, virtual Pacific islander getting blown to kingdom come after the Axis have slaughtered the Allies on Wake Island—do you really want that on your conscience? I think not. The idiots I've observed have a great strategy for dealing with them, namely, they drive over them, exploding them "harmlessly" while the battle still rages. Of course, the best way to do this is to convince a number of teammates to join you in an APC, but you and a single buddy can use any available jeep in a pinch. Oh, and be sure not to tell your teammates what you're planning to do; i.e., you don't want to spoil the surprise. This tip also helps recycle tickets more quickly and keeps your teammates safe from the horrors of vehicle use, both of which I've covered previously.
• Train those paratroopers well. There's nothing more embarrassing than jumping off the wing of a B-17 only to find that you can't remember to which key you mapped the open-parachute function. Honesty, how much fear does a soldier strike into the hearts of his enemies if they see him hit the ground at ludicrous speed, screaming for mommy like a schoolgirl? The best thing you can do to spare your teammates such humiliation is to get them accustomed to falling. Toward this end, I suggest driving them off a cliff when you're behind the wheel of a jeep. Nothing but lightning-fast reflexes will save them, and that only in the very best of circumstances. Trust me, after a few such "helpful" efforts, your teammates will know how to open those parachutes! Still, constant training is the only way to hone their skills to a fine edge, so don't stop just because they manage to save themselves. Nay, find ways to give them less time. It's the "smart" thing to do.
• Move those ships. On too many maps involving naval vessels, they're not very well positioned; i.e., they're not where the enemy can easily see them, which makes for a pretty dull bombardment. Honestly, people, it's boring as all get out to sit safely on board ship, blasting away at the enemy. Instead, I suggest you hop into the driver's seat and beach that baby! What could be more awe-inspiring than watching a battleship come roaring up toward the land? Besides, it's funny watching all the tanks open fire on a target they normally don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting. As an alternative, you might try simply driving the ship around like a madman in order to prevent your gunners from firing on any targets. We all can surely agree that guns, not people, are the real evil, and those guns aboard ship are darned big! Those awful things could really hurt someone, and nobody wants that. Still another possibility involves parking the ship in a position such that mountainous terrain blocks any outgoing fire. Really, the possibilities are endless for making "good" use of naval vessels.

Yet again I can't take credit for the above suggestions, for they would never have occurred to me on my own. Instead, I have to thank all the idiots out there on BF1942 servers around the world who showed me the dark. Every time I think I have the idiot-way pegged, I find some moron who goes so far above and beyond what I've previously witnessed, I simply cannot help but admire his breathtaking achievements in the field of stupidity. Take my word for it: if only you will pay attention to these and other useful tips, you too can be a part of the thriving community of idiots that play BF1942.

04/16/2003