Russell: I can't believe you got this. I've been on the waiting list for months.
Adam: Yeah, well, I'm connected.
Russell: Come on. Your cousin Larry is a night manager at the Paramus Toys R'Us. Not exactly mobbed up.
Adam: Give me this.
Russell: No, no, no! Sorry, sorry, you're mobbed up. You're mobbed up.
Adam: OK, OK. How about we start with this? Huh?
Russell: Oh. Video golf? Yeah, super. I always wondered what it would be like to be 70 and live in South Florida. Come on! Put in the game where you blow things up and you drive your car into hookers. Let's go.
Adam: OK. Yeah. But then golf.

Jennifer comes in.

Russell: Hey.
Jennifer: Hey guys, what are you doing?
Adam: Ah, a little maiden voyage of my new video game system.
Jennifer: Oh, well. I hope you finished your homework first.
Adam: Hey, these games are not just for kids and losers anymore, honey.
Russell: Dirty whore.
Jennifer: What?
Adam: No, it's- he's talking to the game. You were talking to the game, right? Give me that!
Russell: No, no, no! She's not a whore! She's not a whore! Give me, give me, give me! Give me, give me, give me!

Jeff is watching TV.

Jeff: Come on!! Come on!!
Audrey: Hey Jeff?
Jeff: Back here.
Audrey: Oh, hey! Great news! I got it.
Jeff: Good. I'm starving. Did you get the spicy dipping sauce?
Audrey: No. When I said I got it, I meant I got the promotion!
Jeff: Oh, that's good too! Way to go! Kudos.
Audrey: Hey. How about a little excitement, huh? Maybe something on par with your enthusiasm about the dipping sauce.
Jeff: Well, that's gone now because there is no dipping sauce. Or hot wings to dip in.
Audrey: Jeff, this is good for both of us! More money, an extra week of vacation. Tickets to the Met.
Jeff: The Mets? Where are the seats?
Audrey: The Met. The Metropolitan Opera.
Jeff: One little "s" is the difference between the best news ever, and who cares. Good work on the promotion.
Audrey: Where are you going?
Jeff: Well, you came in here talking about wings. You got me all hungry. So I'm going to go out and get some. Maybe some Mets tickets. Possibly a Kudos bar.

Jennifer is hassling Adam and Russell about playing video games.

Jennifer: It's a nice day. Are you sure you boys don't want to play outside?
Adam: No way. Man, this is the best $500 I've ever spent. Oh uh, by the way, next time you see my cousin Larry, you have to show him your bra.
Jennifer: $500? Isn't that a lot to spend on a toy?
Adam: This is not a toy! This is a state of the art gaming console. Plus, I really, really wanted it.
Jennifer: Well, I really wanted those Prada boots I saw at Barney's.
Adam: You only said really once.
Jennifer: My point is I didn't buy them because I would have felt guilty spending so much money on something that was just for me. You know, now that we're us.
Adam: Honey, this is totally an us thing! Give her your controller!
Russell: No, no! No, no!
Adam: Give it to her!!
Russell: What are you doing?
Jennifer: We should just talk to each other before we make big purchases. Especially on something so frivolous.
Adam: What? Friv- frivolous!!! Frivolous?!! This is a necessity, like air and oxygen!! Plus, it's hours of fun for the whole family.
Russell: Ooh, I just ran over three more whores. Oops, that one was a mail lady. Hello, bag full of social security checks. I'll take that. Looks like Granny's eating dog food again this month.

Audrey knocks on the door.

Jennifer: Hey, what's the champagne for? Did you get it?!
Audrey: I got it! I got the promotion!
Jennifer: That's great!
Audrey: Yes, you are now looking at the new senior deputy editor of Indoor Living Magazine.
Jennifer: Well, let's open the champagne. Hey guys, Audrey just got a big promotion at work!
Adam: Hey!
Russell: Hey that's great!
Adam: Get out of the way!!
Audrey: Geez.
Jennifer: They just got that game, they're really into it.
Audrey: Yeah, well don't let Jeff see it. Back in the '90s, he had a pretty serious case of Pac-Man fever.
Jennifer: He must have been really excited about your promotion!
Audrey: He wasn't. A few days ago, he lost this big account at work, so I thought he'd be thrilled I'd be bringing in extra money.
Jennifer: Well, Jeff's a pretty macho guy. You know, maybe he feels threatened by your success.
Audrey: Yeah, I guess it was just bad timing. I mean, I shouldn't have bragged about it right after he had a setback.
Jennifer: You know, we forget. Men can be very sensitive sometimes.
Russell: Die whore, die!!!
Adam: You got her! You got her!
Audrey: Anyway, I've been through this before. I have an idea of something special I can do for Jeff to fix it.
Jennifer: Oh, if you have to do that, you should probably have more of this.
Audrey: Oh, God, no, not that. That's only when I've done something really wrong. Or if my sister's coming to stay with us.
Russell: Aw, come on! She got my wallet again.

Jeff comes home from work.

Jeff: Hey Audrey!
Audrey: Hey, there's my guy!
Jeff: Wow, look at you.
Audrey: Sit down and relax. Dinner's almost ready.
Jeff: What did you order?
Audrey: I didn't order anything. I cooked.
Jeff: OK, you either bought something really expensive, or your sister's coming to stay with us. And if she is...
Audrey: My sister's not coming. It's just, you're my man, and I want to make sure you're taken care of.
Jeff: And that brings us back to...
Audrey: No. I'm just doing this because I realize the other day I was inconsiderate. I came in flaunting my promotion when you'd had such a bad week at work.
Jeff: Bad week?
Audrey: Yeah, you lost that account.
Jeff: Eh, I was glad to lose it.
Audrey: Why?
Jeff: Well, the client was a pain. He always wanted status reports on his investments. Here's the status. You're annoying.
Audrey: So, my promotion didn't bother you?
Jeff: Not at all! I'm thrilled you got a promotion. You deserve it. You're a smart cookie and a stone fox.
Audrey: Thank you. Why weren't you this happy when I told you Tuesday night?
Jeff: Tuesday night. The Knicks lost a game at the buzzer.
Audrey: You're in a good mood now.
Jeff: Last night they won.
Audrey: You know, Jeff. After twelve years, I expect at parties, you're going to disappear to check the score, or, if we're at a restaurant with the game on, I'm not going to get so much eye contact. But this? This is a whole new level. My promotion was less important to you than the Knicks losing.
Jeff: That's not true.
Audrey: Oh yes, it is. You're more emotionally invested in your teams than you are in me.
Jeff: I haven't been rooting for you since I was five.
Audrey: I am your wife! Our lives should not be dictated by the success or failures of strangers.
Jeff: Strangers? Did I not meet Patrick Ewing? Twice.
Audrey: Fine. Why don't you invite him over for dinner. Maybe he'll take care of you.
Jeff: OK. You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you.
Audrey: How? The moment's gone.
Jeff: How about I take you out tomorrow night for the celebration you deserve?
Audrey: Well, that would be a start. What do you have in mind?
Jeff: Knicks game.
Audrey: OK. There's no way you're that dumb.
Jeff: No, I got tickets from work. Floor seats. You're going to get the VIP treatment. Sit down right on the floor with all the celebrities. Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Matthew Modine.
Audrey: OK.
Jeff: All right? All right.
Audrey: This doesn't totally get you off the hook though. I'm going to want another night out. Including a Broadway show.
Jeff: You don't mean.
Audrey: Oh yes. Possibly the kind where people start singing for no godly reason.
Jeff: Who does that? singing: I'd like to drink this brew. First one, then maybe two. Ooh. See? Stupid.

Russell and Adam are at the Island Diner.

Adam: All right, I'll have the turkey sandwich.
Russell: Ooh. Shouldn't you call Jennifer and ask her if it's OK that you spend those $5?
Adam: She's right, man. We're engaged now. We have to be a team.
Russell: Dude, I'm not wearing a wire, all right? Jennifer's not here. You can speak freely.
Adam: Hey, she said she wouldn't spend a lot of money without talking to me first. You heard her.
Russell: Yeah, I heard her words. But let's examine her actions. How much does she spend on herself each month?
Adam: I don't know.
Russell: I do. Makeup, $50. Waxing, $40. Hair care products, $60. Haircut, $90. Mani, pedi, $80.
Adam: Wow, so she's spending like-
Russell: Over $300 a month. Without talking to you. And you want to know how much she spends on skin care?
Adam: Yeah, I do.
Russell: No. You don't.
Adam: How do you know all this?
Russell: I study the female animal. Know your prey.
Jeff: Hey guys.
Russell: Hey Dunston. Checking in?
Jeff: You're not going to the Knicks game with me. Thanks for making that easy. Now aren't you due back in Paris Hilton's handbag?
Russell: Why aren't you taking me with you?
Jeff: Audrey and I got in a fight. I'm taking her to make up.
Russell: Oh come on! Audrey takes my Knicks ticket, Jennifer's cramping my vid game time. One of you has to dump your chick.
Adam: What was the fight about?
Jeff: Audrey told me about her promotion right after the Knicks lost a close one, I was less than jubilant, she thinks I care more about the Knicks than her.
Russell: Right, she's just figuring that out now?
Jeff: No, I patch things up with Audrey, and it'll get me court-side. It's a win win.
Russell: Is taking your wife to a game really win win? Can I have the binoculars? Give me some popcorn. Ooh, give me the binoculars back. Look, there's ice cream. Hey, hold on to the binoculars. Look, is that a snow cone? Will you grab me one? Give me the binoculars. Oh, I feel sick. Oh how much longer is this? Why did you let me eat all that?

Russell and Adam are playing video games.

Russell: You don't want the putter. You want the driver, that's your power club. Line it up, pull it back, slowly, and then wail on that guy's head with it. Bam! Bam! Bam! And don't be shy.
Adam: I got it! I got his Camaro.
Jennifer: All right guys. I'm going to get my hair done.
Adam: You know. You were right. You were right. We should talk to each other before either of us spends a lot of money.
Jennifer: I'm glad you agree. I'll see you later.
Adam: Hang on. Shouldn't we talk about where you're having your hair done?
Jennifer: Ha,ha,ha. Oh, you're serious?
Adam: Oh, yeah. It's a big expenditure.
Jennifer: I'm going to Philippe's, where I always go.
Adam: Hmm. And you get what, a two-color process, maybe a little conditioning toner at the end?
Jennifer: Yes.
Adam: And that plus tip, is how much?
Jennifer: You can't put a price on good hair color.
Adam: Mmm. I bet Philippe can. Probably close to $200.
Jennifer: Where are you getting this?
Adam: I refuse to reveal my source.
Jennifer: Russell?
Russell: Remind me to tell you a bunch of secrets.
Jennifer: You should go.
Russell: I can't. We're in the middle of a mega game here.
Adam: Nah. You should go.
Russell: You try to help people.
Jennifer: Why would you listen to Russell's advice? OK? His longest relationship was three lap dances in a row.
Adam: You're pretty hypocritical spending all that money on your hair.
Jennifer: I can't color it myself! I've been going to Philippe for years.
Adam: Well, I've been playing video games long before I met you.
Jennifer: Which is probably why it took you so long to meet me. Look. This isn't just about my hair, or your game, it's about us spending on ourselves without talking to each other.
Adam: Yeah, you're right. I guess, we need money for our wedding, our honeymoon and a flat screen TV.
Jennifer: Exactly. Oh, how about this? To begin our new plan of fiscal responsibility, I will color my own hair.
Adam: OK. And I will sell my video game system to Russell for an outrageous profit.
Jennifer: It's fun working together.
Adam: Yeah.
Jennifer: OK. I will go to the drugstore and get my hair color kit.
Adam: All right, honey. I'm going to box up the game.
Russell: Way to get rid of her, dude. Let's play.

Jeff is waiting for Audrey to get ready so they can go to the Knicks game.

Jeff: This is going to be great, Audrey! I only get these floor seats once a year. It's a different game up close. We might even get sweat on us. We're lucky. Hey, we better get going, beat the crowd, get in those seats! Take in the atmosphere of floor seats. Hello! What's going on here? You having a yard sale?
Audrey: I'm having wardrobe problems.
Jeff: Oh no. Please. Please, not tonight. Not with floor seats.
Audrey: I've tried everything on here. Nothing looks good.
Jeff: What you're wearing looks good. I told you that when you modeled it for me yesterday.
Audrey: Well, yesterday it fit. Today I'm all bloaty and the seams are practically bursting open.
Jeff: Since yesterday.
Audrey: Are you calling me a liar?
Jeff: You're mad I don't agree you're fat. There's a new twist on an old game.
Audrey: All right, look. I've got two more possibilities. I'm going to try them both on and then you tell me which one looks better.
Jeff: Tell you right now. First one.
Audrey: Jeff! You could at least pretend to care.
Jeff: I was pretending.
Audrey: Oh, go without me.
Jeff: Oh, no, no, no. I'm not falling for that one. This is like when you said I didn't have to do anything special for our anniversary.
Audrey: You didn't have to. I thought maybe you would want to.
Jeff: You should know subtle word play is lost on me. Look, tonight is being torpedoed because you think you're fat.
Audrey: I don't think I'm fat. I feel fat.
Jeff: More word play. Tonight was supposed to be fun for both of us, but now you're in a bad mood because of your clothes, you know what? Your body and clothing issues are just like my sports!
Audrey: What?
Jeff: Yup. When you think that you look good and your clothes all fit, life is good, but if it's not, it's foxhole time.
Audrey: That is crazy.
Jeff: Is it? Is it crazy?
Audrey: Yes.
Jeff: If it's crazy, wear what you've got, let's go.
Audrey: Fine. Let's go.
Jeff: Great. Oh this is going to be great. These seats are practically in the game. You're going to come away with a whole new appreciation- Audrey.
Audrey: You're totally right. I can't do it. I'm pathetic.
Jeff: We're pathetic.
Audrey: I don't want to ruin your night. Why don't you go to the game?
Jeff: Not without you. I've got an idea about something you could wear that will take care of all your problems.

Adam is playing Solitaire with playing cards.

Adam: *making gun and explosion noises*
Jennifer: I'm coming out!
Adam: OK! Let me just finish my game. OK. I'm done. Hey, look at you.
Jennifer: Yeah, I did it! Take that, expensive salon. How's Solitaire?
Adam: Uh, just as good as my gaming system.
Jennifer: You know, I feel better having sacrificed for us and our financial future.
Adam: Well, me too. See, we make a great team. We don't need to spend a lot of money to make us happy.
Jennifer: Oh no!
Adam: What is this? It's all over my hands.
Jennifer: Oh, this wasn't supposed to happen.
Adam: Ah! Oh my- It's burning my eye, honey!
Jennifer: Oh!
Adam: It's burning my eye!! AAAH! Get it out! Get it out! OK. What happened in there? Huh? Everything is stained with brown dye.
Jennifer: It's not brown. It's twilight sequoia.
Adam: Whatever, honey. It's all over the sink, and the towels, and the walls. I mean, it's like you executed a family of chocolate bunnies in there!
Jennifer: I must have forgotten to rinse, but it was confusing! I mean I couldn't figure out how to use the applicator, then the mix splattered, then the gloves wouldn't fit, and you may want to buy a new toothbrush.
Adam: Well, let me tell you something. Solitaire sucks, man. I mean, I keep cheating, and cheating, and I still don't win!
Jennifer: I want to go back to Philippe.
Adam: Well, I think we both want that.
Jennifer: And you can get your video game back from Russell.
Adam: Well, I doubt he'll sell it back to me. I mean, you may have to show cousin Larry some side boob.
Jennifer: OK. I'm going to go shower. Hold on. If I'm going back to Philippe, and you're getting your game back, we're not sacrificing anything for our financial future.
Adam: Oh, we sacrificed plenty. The towels, the shower curtain, and possibly the vision in my right eye.
Jennifer: Seriously! I thought we were going to work together like a grown-up couple.
Adam: Well, we still can! I mean, there's other sacrifices we can make.
Jennifer: Like what?
Adam: Well, like walking more. Taking fewer cabs.
Jennifer: We could go to the museums and the parks instead of movies and concerts.
Adam: It's not going to be easy, but we're in it together, right? Come here.
Jennifer: Ooh, careful. Caustic chemicals. Hey. You know what else I thought of that's fun, and it's free?
Adam: Ooh, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Jennifer: Are you willing to make it right now?
Adam: Ah, well, I, I need like a half an hour. I just sacrificed a few minutes ago. Solitaire was really boring!

Jeff and Audrey are getting ready for bed.

Jeff: Well, tonight was fun.
Audrey: Yeah it was. Next time don't let me eat so much. I feel sick.
Jeff: Of course you do. Hey. Sorry I didn't get excited about your promotion. I really am excited, and I promise I'll be thrilled for the next one.
Audrey: Oh, look it's game highlights, maybe we'll see us.
Jeff: Nah, you almost never. Well!! Who is that handsome devil?
Audrey: Pause it. You said I looked cute in that outfit.
Jeff: It's just paused funny.
Audrey: Oh, I look terrible!
Jeff: No, you don't. Spike Lee was wearing the same thing and he's adorable.
Audrey: Your shirt is way too big. It looks like I've been fumigated for termites.
Jeff: That's a good one. Because it's not true.

Russell has a girl over, but he's too busy playing video games.

Woman: Come on Russell. You've been playing that game all night. Come on.
Russell: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Woman: Fine! I'll go put my clothes back on. You'd rather play with that game, than me.

Russell returns the PlayStation2 to Adam.