Audrey: So you two are going out of town on a romantic getaway weekend?
Adam: Yeah. Yeah, we're actually going to rent the car tonight so we can avoid all the traffic.
Jeff: I know a good shortcut.
Adam: Uh, you don't know where we're going.
Jeff: Doesn't matter. I know a shortcut.
Jennifer: Even we don't know where we're going yet. It's a spur of the moment thing.
Audrey: Oh fun! When was the last time we did something like that?
Jeff: Just last weekend. We made plans to do dinner and a movie, and spur of the moment, we decided not to go.
Audrey: It was fun to not do that.
Adam: Well, you know, we want to do this kind of stuff while we're still young and not overwhelmed with work and kids.
Audrey: Yeah. Sounds great.
Adam: Hey, how come you guys don't have kids?
Jennifer: Adam, you don't ask people things like that.
Adam: Why not?
Jennifer: Because maybe Jeff is shooting blanks. Adam's sorry.
Audrey: It's nothing like that, really. When we were first married, we didn't want to be tied down.
Jeff: We wanted to travel. See Europe.
Jennifer: Oh, that must have been wonderful.
Adam: How long were you there?
Audrey: Never went.
Jeff: We went to Epcot Center, though. It's pretty much the same thing.
Audrey: Anyway, a couple years ago, we tried for about six months, and nothing happened, so.
Jeff: Yeah. It was too much pressure, put it aside, decided to get busy with careers.
Audrey: That's about it.
Jennifer: Well, when the time is right.
Adam: Yeah.
Russell: Hey.
Adam: Hey Russell.
Russell: Hey Archie, Betty, Veronica, Moose. Hey, how's it going?
Jeff: It's going good, Meat-wad.
Russell: That's funny? Meat-wad? All right.
Jennifer: You want to join us Russell?
Russell: At the table, or in your creepy cult of monogamy? No thanks, I'm just picking up a coffee to go.
Audrey: You know, you just make jokes about relationships cause you wish you could have one.
Jennifer: Yeah, you're just jealous.
Russell: You know what? I am a little bit jealous. You're right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go whatever I feel like doing all the time.
Audrey: God, it's sad the way he tries to make his life sound good.
Jennifer: Really.

OPENING CREDITS

Russell is at the Drugstore when he runs into an old flame.

Constance: Russell?
Russell: Yes, ma'am?
Constance: Constance. Constance Williams. I lived in the building you grew up in.
Russell: Oh my God! Of course. Hi!
Constance: You used to take care of my cat.
Russell: Oh that's right. What was her name? I want to say Pickles?
Constance: Snuffles.
Russell: Snuffles. Yes, Snuffles. Well, it's great to see you Constance. Or, should I call you Mrs. Robinson?
Constance: Oh. So you remember that too.
Russell: Oh. Who could forget? Best 18th birthday present ever.
Constance: Yes. I made you show me your driver's license because I thought you were 14.
Russell: Well, mustache hadn't fully come in yet.
Constance: It will. What an afternoon that was. You were so cute.
Russell: Well, who isn't cute with feathered hair and a skinny piano tie? Come on.
Constance: You were so nervous.
Russell: Well, Snuffles was in the room staring at me.
Constance: It was over so fast.
Russell: Staring and judging. And then she jumped on me right in the middle of it.
Constance: Oh, I don't think it lasted long enough to even have a middle.
Russell: All right. Well, you made your point. Anyway, it was a long time ago.
Constance: Yes it was. Every time I think back on it, it makes me chuckle. Anyway, if you want, you can put your items with mine. I get the senior discount.
Russell: Oh, that's sweet. Eh.

Jennifer and Adam are at the rental car place.

Adam: Hey. Uh. Do you think that we'll have kids when we're married as long as Jeff and Audrey?
Jennifer: We don't even have a wedding date yet. We don't need to worry about that now.
Adam: Well, that's probably what they thought. So let's learn from them and decide some of our big life issues right now.
Jennifer: OK. I was thinking we'd have two kids.
Adam: Same here! Yeah, we can move out of the city, get a house in like seven to ten years.
Jennifer: Yes.
Adam: Yes.
Jennifer: Somewhere really peaceful, but...
Adam: But, but close enough to Manhattan so that we can make the quick drive in.
Jennifer: Exactly. Oh and if I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull the plug.
Adam: Oh my God. Pull my plug too. This is so great.
Jennifer: You know, I hate it when couples say they're soul mates.
Adam: Oh I know, me too. It's so lame and fake.
Jennifer: Yeah.
Adam: Yeah.
Jennifer: But we're soul mates.
Adam: Totally.

Jeff and Audrey are getting ready to watch a movie.

Jeff: All right. All right. All right. Don't want any glare on the old flat screen. I've wanted to see this movie for months, and tonight is the perfect night.
Audrey: Are we terrible people for not having kids yet?
Jeff: No, we're not terrible people.
Audrey: I mean, seriously, just about everybody we know has kids.
Jeff: Well, that's why we stopped hanging out with them. It was all, Susie got a new tooth, or little Jimmy made a poo poo. Real interesting.
Audrey: You know, I think it's interesting if it's your kid. The same way your fantasy football stories are only interesting to you.
Jeff: People like it when I talk about my fantasy foot-
Audrey: Oh, no they don't. Honey, your stories stink like little Jimmy's poo poo. We do want kids, right?
Jeff: You know, I'd love a son. Or a son and a daughter.
Audrey: Well, look, since we never had success before, maybe as a first step, we should both get checked out.
Jeff: Checked out. Good. That way we'll know if one of us has a problem in that area.
Audrey: Yeah. I mean, it could be your swimmers.
Jeff: Could be your pool.
Audrey: Well, whatever it is, we'll find out and then we can take steps to fix it.
Jeff: You mean, take steps to fix the pool.
Audrey: Or the swimmers.
Jeff: You call your pool guy.
Audrey: Call your lifeguard. Look, whatever it is, we'll deal with it together.
Jeff: We will. Now let's just watch the movie.
Audrey: OK.
Jeff: Pool.

Adam and Jennifer are deeper into their discussion of major life decisions.

Adam: Yes. Yes. One big dog and one little dog. That's what I want too.
Jennifer: This is so great! Our brains are totally in sync!
Adam: Is yours thinking about your boobs too?
Rental Agent: OK. All I'll need to see now is your driver's license?
Jennifer: Oh. I want to put my license on there too.
Adam: No. You don't have to. I'm driving. I'm the man.
Jennifer: Of course you're the man. I was just thinking, I should be able to drive in case you have to get out of the car and kill a bear... or something.
Adam: That's, that's a good point. Plus, you'll be doing a lot of driving when we have our house in the suburbs.
Jennifer: With our two kids.
Adam: And our two dogs.
Jennifer: It's so great that we agree on our entire lives.
Adam: I know. I know. I'll go off to work. And you'll drive the kids to school in the minivan, maybe do a little yoga, a little shopping. You come home, walk the dogs.
Jennifer: Yeah. Uh. I don't know if I'll have time for all that. I'll be working.
Adam: I know. Honey, raising a family is a full-time job.
Jennifer: So is running your own graphic design firm, which is what I'll be doing.
Adam: Uhh. Who's watching the kids?
Jennifer: We'll get help.
Adam: No. No. I don't want a stranger raising our kids.
Jennifer: She's not a stranger! She's a delightful English lady who at times we break into song. Besides, we'll need two salaries to get the house we want.
Adam: No, no, no. We don't want a mortgage so big that we both have to work.
Jennifer: Well, then you stay at home with the kids.
Adam: NO! I'm not staying at home with the kids! NO! You know how crazy work is right now!
Jennifer: You know? Maybe we shouldn't go on this damn romantic weekend!
Adam: Yeah, maybe we shouldn't!
Rental Agent: OK. You're all set. And here are your keys.
Jennifer: We don't need the car.
Adam: No. You don't need the car. And I'm going to drive around while I'm still young and strong enough to kill a bear!

Jeff and Russell are hanging out at the Island Diner.

Jeff: She's 60. Hope you used protection, or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Russell: Well, she was 39 when we got together. And she was 39 and 10 seconds when we finished.
Jeff: That's pretty weak.
Russell: Come on. I was young. Plus her cat Snuffles was staring at me the whole time. Freaked me out.
Jeff: I once dated a girl whose dog would watch us and bark. Like he owned that position.
Russell: Yeah, you don't expect that from man's best friend. You know what? It just bugs me that there's some woman floating around out there saying I'm bad in bed. You know? Who knows who she talks to.
Jeff: Pharmacists. Meals on Wheels guys.
Russell: Well, she was hot. And she still looks good-ish.
Jeff: Oh God. You're uh, you're not going to do what I think you're going to do.
Russell: Yes, I am. But I'm going to do it better than you think I'm going to do. I got to set the record straight on this one.
Jeff: Wow. I'm torn between keep me posted and keep it to yourself.
Adam: Can I get change for a medium?
Russell: Hey, what's up Meat-wad? That one's mine now.
Adam: Hey! Hey, if you guys want, you can take your food to go and eat in my car while we drive around.
Russell: Yeah, I really want to eat my waffles off my lap in a Ford Focus.
Adam: No. No, I upgraded man. Yeah, I got a Mustang.
Russell: Oh, you should have said something. No.
Jeff: Hey, I thought you and Jennifer were going out of town this weekend.
Adam: Yeah, well, we canceled. We got in a fight.
Russell: About what?
Adam: Ah, you know. The kids, the house, the money.
Jeff: You have none of those things.
Adam: Yet. Anyway, she wanted to turn the car in, but I kept it. Just to show her. So I win. Aw, crap! I'm getting a ticket!!
Russell: This guy. Relationships sound terrible. You know what? I still need the thrill of the chase.
Jeff: Not much of a chase when both her hips are titanium.

Jeff and Audrey are at the fertility clinic.

Doctor: And once we have the sample, we'll check motility, which is how well they swim, morphology, where we look for any abnormalities, and we'll calculate the total, which is determined by multiplying concentration by volume.
Jeff: Growing up, I played a lot of team sports, and I always wore a cup, in case that affects things.
Doctor: That shouldn't be a problem.
Jeff: Shouldn't be a problem.
Audrey: Didn't think it would be.
Jeff: OK, great, so uh. How much do you need?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Audrey: He's just a little nervous. Honey, just do your thing once and they'll take what they need.
Jeff: Oh, OK. So can we have your office for about 10 minutes, Doc?
Audrey: Jeff!
Doctor: Actually, we have a private room in which you can produce the sample.
Jeff: By myself.
Audrey: Yes. The moment you've been practicing for all these years.
Jeff: She's just kidding. I don't, uh...
Doctor: It's fine.
Jeff: OK. I do.
Doctor: In the room, you'll find an assortment of visual aids.
Jeff: Sex magazine?
Doctor: Yes.
Jeff: Nice. Where are they stashed?
Doctor: They're right there in plain view.
Jeff: Very nice.
Audrey: I married him.

In the private room...

Jeff: Whoa. Interview with Brett Favre.

Russell is out with Constance.

Constance: It was such a nice surprise to get a dinner invitation from you Russell.
Russell: Well, I figured I owe you from all the butterscotch candy you used to give me. Plus I thought it would be a good chance for us to catch up.
Constance: What a nice idea.
Russell: So how is good old Snuffles?
Constance: Oh. She passed on. Old age. But you know, she did have a litter.
Russell: Wait. Was the father Mr. Belasko's Siamese?
Constance: Yes!
Russell: I knew something was going on with those two. Oh, look with the entree you have a choice of soup or salad.
Constance: And what are the soups?
Russell: Split pea and lobster bits.
Constance: Both delicious choices.
Russell: You know, I also enjoy chowder. It walks that fine line between soup and stew.
Constance: Look, why don't we cut the crap? We both know where this is headed.
Russell: Yes, we do. Check, please!
Constance: We haven't ordered yet.
Russell: Even better.

Audrey is waiting for Jeff to come out of the private room.

Audrey: Come on, Jeff. You don't have to read all the magazines.
Jeff: Damn it! You made me miss.
Audrey: What?
Jeff: You made me miss. You knocked just as I was teeing off, and I shanked it.
Audrey: Are you nude?
Jeff: If I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right. Why did you knock?
Audrey: Well, I'm sorry, but you were taking forever.
Jeff: I was romancing myself.
Audrey: Why? You know how easy you are.
Jeff: With you maybe. With myself, I like a little foreplay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a quick nap and then play the back nine.

Adam and Jennifer are still upset at each other.

Jennifer: How's the romantic weekend with your car going?
Adam: It's going great. Mm-hmm. And it's good I kept it. You know why? Because I realize our relationship is like a car. We're assuming the ride will be smooth, but then we come out of the diner, and our relationship is being towed.
Jennifer: The car got towed?
Adam: Yes. Yes it did. And, and you and I arguing over houses and kids? I mean, it's, it's stupid. You know, it's like me arguing with the tow truck guy. I mean, if it's a loading zone, then it's a loading zone.
Jennifer: Adam, everything was fine until we started arguing about the future.
Adam: Yeah, the stupid, stupid future!!
Jennifer: We can't decide everything right now!! It's like trying to predict the weather!!
Adam: They actually do that.
Jennifer: You know what I mean. The important thing is that wherever we go, we're in this together, even if it's places that we don't expect.
Adam: Yeah, or even places that scare us. Like an impound lot under the West Side Highway.
Jennifer: I mean, why argue about stuff in the future, when we have plenty of stuff to argue about in the present?
Adam: Yes we do.
Jennifer: Like the stupidity of you keeping the car?!
Adam: Yeah, or the stupidity of you leaving your shoes all over the apartment so I trip over them!!
Jennifer: Or the stupidity of you not looking down when you walk!!
Adam: Or the stupidity of your pants being on right now!
Jennifer: My pants?! What about your pants?!
Adam: God, they are stupid! Bedroom?
Jennifer: Rental car.
Adam: Don't hold back! I paid for insurance.

Russell is at Constance's place.

Constance: I'll be ready in a minute. I'm just taking my blood pressure pills.
Russell: OK. You're a star. You're a big, bright shining star.
Constance: Show me what you've learned in the last twenty years.
Russell: Now the pupil has become the teacher. Son of a bitch. AAAH!

Audrey is reading a magazine at home when Jeff comes in.

Jeff: Hey.
Audrey: Hey. The doctors called.
Jeff: And?
Audrey: And I checked out fine. Everything is working.
Jeff: Good. Good. So. It's my swimmers.
Audrey: Well, they're just a little slow.
Jeff: Come on!!
Audrey: Jeff, it is nothing to worry about.
Jeff: Nothing to worry about?! We're talking about my junk here!
Audrey: I know, but it's very common, and easily treatable. The doctor gave me this list of really simple things you can do to just speed them up.
Jeff: Wear loose underwear. Sometimes I wear no underwear.
Audrey: I know. The guys you play basketball with have complained to me.
Jeff: Yeah, let them complain. Nobody crowds me under the boards. No hot tubs? What a jip.
Audrey: Just go to a bar like a regular softball team.
Jeff: What's this?
Audrey: Oh, it's an herbal powder he recommends. You mix it with water, and drink two a day.
Jeff: Scotch has water in it. All right, what are we saying here?
Audrey: Let's just say you do the things the doctor recommends, and we'll see what happens.
Jeff: Let nature take its course.
Audrey: Yeah.
Jeff: You would be a great mom.
Audrey: You'd be such a great dad.
Jeff: For a boy. Or, a boy and a girl.

Jeff joins Adam at the Island Diner.