Adam: Hi. Coffee. To go, please.
Audrey: Adam!
Adam: Oh, hey guys.
Jeff: How's it going?
Adam: Aw, I'm tired. I haven't gotten any sleep since I moved in with Jennifer.
Jeff: All right! Up top, brother.
Adam: No, it's not that. The problem is her tiny bed. I mean, there's no space, that girl's all knees and elbows.
Audrey: Get a bigger bed. We've had one for ten years.
Jeff: We're like boxers. When we're done mixing it up, we like to go to our own corners.
Audrey: And the rounds never last more than three minutes.
Jeff: If you want more than three minutes, then be ready three minutes before Sports Center. Or, be willing to face that direction.
Adam: Hey. Record Sports Center, that way you won't have to rush.
Jeff: I work better with a deadline.
Audrey: He does.
Adam: I'll think about that bigger bed thing.
Audrey: Apple pie for breakfast?
Jeff: Here's my thinking on that. You'd be fine if I ordered Apple Danish, which is basically flat apple pie.
Audrey: Good use of your brain.
Jeff: Oh. Whoa.
Audrey: What?
Russell: Hey, Audrey. McGilla.
Jeff: Russell.
Russell: This is my new friend Dani. Dani, this is Jeff. Audrey.
Dani: Hi! Nice to meet you.
Jeff: Pleasure's mine.
Audrey: Hello.
Russell: It's OK. He's a gentle giant, don't be afraid.
Jeff: Good stuff, Russell. Good stuff.
Dani: Well, I am going to -?- the table because I have to go to the little girl's room.
Russell: Ooh! OK.
Audrey: Russell. Is it bring your daughter to work day already?
Russell: No. But I get it. Hey! Guess what? She's a lifeguard.
Jeff: Lucky drowning victim. So how old is she?
Russell: Don't you mean how old isn't she? Just kidding. But seriously, call Jack Bauer cause she's 24.
Jeff: 24. Whoa.
Audrey: Sit down and eat.
Jeff: Hold on now. How did you do that? How did a guy your age pull that off?
Russell: Age is not an issue. Mostly because I lie about it.
Jeff: It's a good system. You may possibly be my new hero.
Russell: Hey, I'm flattered. Listen, I got to go read the menu to Dani. See you.
Jeff: Hey, you keep up the good work, Dani. Lifeguards are the doctors of our beaches.
Russell: OK, we're good. Beat it.
Jeff: Where's my pie?
Audrey: You're warming it.
Jeff: And now, it's a Danish!

Jeff goes back to his apartment. Audrey is sitting on the couch.

Jeff: Sorry. I don't think I deserved a pant-load of apple pie.
Audrey: Uh, you did. I can't believe you, is that crust on your face? You ate the butt pie?
Jeff: It was paid for.
Audrey: Look. I don't expect you not to find other women attractive. But is our relationship really at a point where you feel comfortable doing it right in front of me?
Jeff: All right. You're right! It was pretty rude. And, I'm sorry. And just so you know, you don't have to worry, I would never leave you for a 24 year old.
Audrey: Thank you. That is a load off my mind.
Jeff: You're being sarcastic.
Audrey: I am.
Jeff: Because you don't think I can attract a 24 year old.
Audrey: Not even if you were wearing a suit made out of Justin Timberlake.
Jeff: You're forgetting you were 24 when you fell for my charms.
Audrey: Oh, your charms? Uh, when I first saw you, you were screaming at a girl for over-pumping the keg.
Jeff: It was going to be all foam! You know what? You believe what you want to believe. You're just lucky there's no way we can prove it.
Audrey: Maybe there is.
Jeff: What are you talking about?
Audrey: I'll give you one night. Go out, take off your wedding ring, and try to get a young girl's phone number.
Jeff: You do not want me to call your bluff.
Audrey: Oh, I'm not bluffing. But if you don't want to embarrass yourself by trying, I would totally understand.
Jeff: Then let's make it a bet. What are we playing for? There, uh, should be something at stake.
Audrey: Oh, something is. Your dignity.
Jeff: Yeah, like I've never lost that before!

OPENING CREDITS

Adam is showing Jennifer the new bed he got for their apartment.

Adam: Huh! What do you think?
Jennifer: A new queen sized bed?! Ah, this is great! I thought we couldn't afford one!
Adam: We can't. It's my old bed. I got it out of storage.
Jennifer: Wow! I forgot how comfortable it is.
Adam: Yeah! You know when we got it, Sonya wanted to get the cheaper one, but I convinced her to go top of the line. Pretty smart, huh?
Jennifer: Sonya?
Adam: Who?
Jennifer: Your ex-girlfriend, Sonya?
Adam: Was she?
Jennifer: UH! I cannot sleep or do other things in a bed you bought with your ex!
Adam: But you already have!
Jennifer: But, I didn't know it then! Plus, that was when we were dating, now we're engaged, this is our apartment, this can't be our bed!
Adam: Come on! I'm not getting any sleep in the little bed! The little bed is killing me!
Jennifer: I'm sorry, Adam. It needs to go.
Adam: Why?! You didn't have a problem with the chair I brought over.
Jennifer: That's because you and Sonya didn't have sex on it. OK. The chair goes too!
Adam: Come on, Jennifer!
Jennifer: Look, I know it's irrational, but every time I got into that bed, I'd feel like Sonya was in it with us! Really?!
Adam: What? No, I was thinking about... you're so pretty!
Jennifer: Look. Let's just buy a new bed.
Adam: No, no, no, no. When we got engaged we agreed we wouldn't start our life together in debt. We don't need that pressure.
Jennifer: Well, what are we going to do?
Adam: Look. Let's just, let's just go back to your old bed, OK?
Jennifer: OK. I'm sorry. I wish I were as secure as you.
Adam: What do you mean? Why am I secure?
Jennifer: Well because I can't deal with Sonya in your bed, but you're fine with all the guys who've been in mine.

Adam is mad that Jennifer has been with so many guys, so he goes to the Diner to hang out with Russell and Jeff.

Jeff: All the guys. Those were her words.
Adam: Yeah.
Russell: Wow. You know it's more than two, or she would have said both.
Jeff: And that's just in that bed. Home games, road trips, we'll have to estimate.
Russell: Yeah. How old do you think she was in her rookie year, like 16, 17?
Jeff: Let's make it 18. Keep it legal.
Adam: All right. Hey, guys. Thanks. I feel much better now. You can stop.
Jeff: Look, you test drove a Ferrari, you bought a Ferrari, now you're shocked you're driving a Ferrari?
Russell: Yeah, what did you think she was when you met her, a uh, what's a car that hasn't had tons of sex?
Adam: You guys are great. I'm going to go walk this off.
Jeff: Ataboy! What are you doing?
Russell: What do you mean?
Jeff: What are we, going to share a milkshake?! Get over there. Hey, so uh, how's Dani?
Russell: She still does homework, that's how she is.
Jeff: Aren't you worried she's going to find out how old you really are, and you're going to look ridiculous?
Russell: Listen, you married guys are always trying to find a flaw in my shallow, sex-based relationships based on lies.
Jeff: You're right, it does sound perfect.
Russell: Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
Jeff: Not sure.
Russell: Hey, Adam told me about the challenge Audrey gave you. I love it. I know the perfect bar. So what's the game plan?
Jeff: Just going to be myself.
Russell: Ah. Operation Failure. Good call. Want some help?
Jeff: I don't. I'm sure you're a lone wolf on the make for all the honeys, but this old hound still got some honey.
Russell: Nice speech. None of it from this century, but I admire your confidence. Come on, let's see some game. Pretend I'm a woman.
Jeff: Already there.
Russell: I'm trying to help you out. Give me your opening line.
Jeff: All right. Hi, I'm Jeff.
Russell: Hey, Jeff. I'm Laura.
Jeff: Laura. Pretty name. From the Greek meaning fresh smelling.
Russell: OK. Always comment on a woman's odor. That's good. You're going to do great out there.

Jeff is ready for his night at the bar.

Audrey: Whoa. You look sharp.
Jeff: Sure you don't want to call this off?
Audrey: Because you bathed? I don't think so. What is that? That some new cologne?
Jeff: It's a man's all over body spray.
Audrey: You bought body spray.
Jeff: It came in the newspaper. Now, knowing all of this, one last chance to call it off.
Audrey: No. No. I don't want to call it off. Why, do you?
Jeff: Does this answer your question? I'm going to need some butter.

Jeff is now at the bar.

Beth: Hi.
Jeff: Hi. I'm Jeff.
Beth: I'm Beth. I like your shirt.
Jeff: Oh, thanks. My wife bought it for me. Hold on. Hold on. When, when I said wife, uh, I meant my dead wife. Hi.

Adam comes back from his walk.

Adam: I'm back! What are you doing?
Jennifer: Still designing those sales brochures for those condos. Look. I don't like the way we left things before.
Adam: Ah-ba-ba-ba! I've decided nothing happened before. We have a clean slate, a new start. I have Chinese food, and a movie.
Jennifer: Oh. OK. I like it. What movie did you get?
Adam: Sideways.
Jennifer: Oh, good, I love that one.
Adam: You've seen it?
Jennifer: Mm-hmm.
Adam: Oh really, with who? One of the guys? One, one of the little bed guys?
Jennifer: What happened to the clean slate?
Adam: Oh, you would love a clean slate, wouldn't you?
Jennifer: It was your idea!
Adam: Why all?! Honey, why did you have to say all the guys?!
Jennifer: It's a figure of speech. And neither one of us should have to apologize for our pasts!
Adam: Well, then why did you make me get rid of the Sonya bed and chair?
Jennifer: OK. You're right. How about this? I made you get rid of two things from your past, so I'll get rid of two from mine. A picture from my trip to Mexico with Jason, and the cookbook with the first recipe I made for Michael. Both gone. Now we're even.
Adam: Not really. I mean, Jason and Michael? That's two relationships to my one, so the guidebook I took to Barbados with Ann. Now we're even.
Jennifer: No. Now it's three items to two, so from Nick, on Valentine's Day. Three all.
Adam: OK. You want to rumble? This, sexy, sexy mix CD made for me by Cindy for our third anniversary trip to Nantucket. Where we had sex!
Jennifer: Steven! Josh! Alejandro.
Adam: I'm going to go roll around in the Sonya bed.

Jeff is still trying to pick up a girl.

Jeff: You, uh, put that on my tab. Cheers. I enjoy a cocktail. Like to drink and I enjoy drinking it. Big drinker. You're welcome. You enjoy that.
Russell: Hey. How's it going, old man?
Jeff: What are you doing here?
Russell: Aw, are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this. Hey, I'm a big drinker, I'm actually a drunk, hey where you going? That stuff is gold.
Jeff: A little rusty. It's still early.
Russell: It's later than you think. Ladies! Check it out, here comes Plan B.
Tawney: Hi, you must be Jeff. I'm Tawney.
Jeff: Hello, Tawney.
Russell: Yeah, Tawney's one of Dani's little buddies.
Tawney: Russell said you used to live with George Clooney.
Jeff: Russell and I need to talk.
Russell: Two seconds, two seconds.
Jeff: She a hooker?
Russell: You going to have sex with her?
Jeff: No.
Russell: Then she's not a hooker. Look, you say you're friends with George Clooney, you get a phone number. It's real simple.
Jeff: You think I have to lie to somebody to get a number?!
Russell: I've been watching you. You do! Come on, don't you want to prove Audrey wrong?
Jeff: This is not about proving anything to Audrey. It's about proving something to myself. Am I past my prime? Have I lost it?
Russell: Yes. And yes. All right, I'll be with the girls.

Jennifer is over at Jeff and Audrey's apartment discussing her and Adam's fight.

Jennifer: I just don't know what to do! I mean, neither of us can change what we did before we met!
Audrey: Yeah. You know, most people deal with this stuff before they get engaged. You guys just dove in after seven months. Are you pregnant?
Jennifer: NO!
Audrey: It's OK if you are, just don't tell anyone I gave you wine.
Jennifer: I'm not pregnant. I just don't want our insecurities to mess things up. I mean, Adam's the one. And I had to chase him for a while.
Audrey: Jeff pursued me. Of course, I was carrying a three foot party sub at the time, so...
Jennifer: Did you guys have problems dealing with your past?
Audrey: Yeah, a little at first. You know, the longer you're with someone, the stuff just fades away.
Jennifer: Yeah. I just have to get Adam to see that. I wish we were as secure as you and Jeff.
Audrey: Yeah, well, don't get too secure. Then you start taking your wife for granted by drooling over some 24 year old right in front of her.
Jennifer: So you sent him to a bar without his wedding ring to hit on young girls.
Audrey: Yup!
Jennifer: Guess you showed him.
Audrey: I'm not worried.
Jennifer: Jeff's a good looking guy!
Audrey: In a statue on Easter Island kind of way. Plus, he's kind of a dufus. He walks around singing Huey Lewis songs. And the man can't brush his teeth without putting his other hand down his shorts.
Jennifer: Then as long as he's at that bar singing and brushing his teeth, you have nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile at the bar...

Russell: Ten minutes, and she hasn't even maced him. The old veteran might still have it. You know what he reminds me of? 1977 World Series Reggie Jackson hit three home runs. I was there.
Dani: Wow! Wait a second, you weren't even born then.
Russell: You know what? You're right. You caught me. It's time to come clean. I was not there.
Jeff: All right, so this is your email, your web address, your screen name. Don't you have a phone number?
Bonnie: Oh. I don't give it out. I'm sort of private. But you seem like a nice guy, so OK.
Audrey: Hi. Is this seat taken?
Jeff: No. Oh, hey.
Audrey: Hey. You like buying a girl a drink?
Jeff: Sure. What's a lady like you doing in a place like this?
Audrey: Oh, I had a fight with my husband. He was sort of being a jerk.
Jeff: Is that right?
Audrey: Yeah. Yeah. He met this 24 year old slut, and-
Jeff: We don't know she's a slut.
Audrey: She's a lifeguard.
Jeff: Are all lifeguards sluts?
Audrey: Would you quit it? I'm doing a thing. All right? As I was saying, my husband carried on about her right in front of me like I wasn't even there. Made me feel taken for granted.
Jeff: Well my wife thought that she was the only one who could ever find me attractive. Made me feel taken for granted.
Audrey: She shouldn't have done that.
Jeff: He shouldn't have either. Want to go back to my place?
Audrey: What kind of girl do you think I am?
Jeff: I'm hoping lifeguard.
Audrey: Well, you know, they are the doctors of our beaches. By the way, you get any body's number?
Jeff: Just yours.
Russell: Jack and Coke, and a uh, Cosmo.

Jennifer is at home when Adam comes in.

Adam: Hey.
Jennifer: Hey. Come here, I want to show you something.
Adam: Another box? How much more stuff do you have?
Jennifer: No, look. This box is full of our past, right?
Adam: Mmm, yeah.
Jennifer: And this one's empty. But, the seashell we found the first time we went to the beach. The matches from the restaurant where you proposed. The bottle of wine I drank tonight while trying to figure this whole thing out.
Adam: Whoa. You drank the whole bottle?
Jennifer: Took a lot of figuring. My point is, that one's as full as it's ever going to get. But this one, we'll be adding to for the rest of our lives. And before we know it, it'll be so full that that one will seem like nothing.
Adam: You're the best. And one brand new spatula!
Jennifer: What do you say we go make up in our big queen sized bed?
Adam: Huh! Sonya bed?
Jennifer: What do you say we stop calling it the Sonya bed?
Adam: Yeah, uh, gotcha.

Russell is dancing with Dani.